Stand For Christmas! Or don't. Whatever.

So apparently, the war on the "war on Christmas" has begun! And the latest volley comes from a website called StandForChristmas.com

This site allows you, the shopper, to post reviews and comments about various stores and their level of pro-Christmasiness or anti-Christmasitude.

Seriously.
Here is a sample of some comments on the site, which I will try to translate
into sane English.

Comment Date: Dec 2 2009 8:22 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: When did a Christmas tree become a 'Great tree'? When it appeared at Macy's. They won't get my patronage.

Translation: If you aren't using our Lord and Savior as a marketing tool to boost profits, you'll get none of my money!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 8:06 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Me and my family shop at Dadeland Macys in Miami Florida.The Salespersons are very friendly and Christmas Focus.I am a very Aggressive and Bold person for CHRIST any store that i spend my money in they better tell me Merry Christmas or a VOID will be following in seconds.

Translation: And the Lord said to his disciples: "Go ye into all the world and scream my name in the faces of retail clerks, lest thou have to void thy transaction."

(On a side note, I really don't get why this person rated Macy's as Christmas-Offensive when he says that the salespersons are "very friendly and Christmas focus."[sic])


Comment Date: Nov 24 2009 2:37 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Shopping CHRISTmas friendly stores is very important to me. I do not believe that CHRISTmas advertising should begin until after Thanksgiving. The day to celebrate the birth of Jesus has become far more too materialistic, and seems to become that way more each. year. Loacally the CHRISTmas decorations, songs, etc. began before holloween. Absurd and disgusting. Thank God for Focus on the Family and all you do. God Bless each and everyone at Focus. Myrna

Translation: Retailers MUST invoke the name of Christ in their marketing! But Goddamn it, don't you invoke his name before Thanksgiving. God hates it when you make too big a fuss over his birthday. It makes him feel all self-conscious and reminds him that he's another year older, and who likes that? In summary, I want to see CHRISTMAS plastered all over every store in the mall, but boy is it a shame how Christmas has gotten so commercialized!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 4:13 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: I just watched the commercial for GAP, I was truly repulsed when they mentioned that we should liberate and how they put Christmas next to solstice. Pretty much what they said was we need to break free and do what we feel is right which goes against everything for this Christmas season. Please go to youtube and watch the commercial if you haven't already seen it. I will NEVER step foot into one of their stores or any store affiliated with them. They have completely lost my business and my families too.

(note: how many families do you have? And how did they all get lost?)

Translation: Christmas is about strict conformity! Liberation is the enemy! War is Peace! Freedom is Slavery!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 3:46 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Very offended by the recent advertisement. How dare they suggest we celebrate what we want? This is a Christian nation.

Translation: You will celebrate what you are told to celebrate, and goddamn it you will do it with a smile!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 12:29 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: I will never buy anything with their name on it or wear it. They are truly offensive in their year round marketing that is corrupting our youth with the lack of modesty they sell.
(note: this comment refers to The GAP)

Translation: Why don't these perverts sell burkas? I mean seriously, just look at these whorish outfits: http://www.gap.com/browse/category.do?cid=34785
When I was a young lady, we wore nun's habits until our wedding night and that's the way we liked it!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 11:57 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Happy Solstice? Since when is Wicca an equal of christianity or judaism?

Translation: How can you compare some Stone-Age Celtic mythology to our glorious Bronze-Age Israeli mythology?

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 4:03 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I was very pleased to find 2 tables of Christmas books displayed. I would like to see this closer to the front door but at least there were the tables set aside. Thank you.

Translation: No matter what you do, I'm going to find some way to feel slighted.

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 8:11 PM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: When I paid for my Christmas shopping, I said, "Thank you and have a Merry Christmas!" To which the cashier simply said you too.

Translation: No matter what you do, I'm going to find some way to feel slighted.

Comment Date: Nov 25 2009 12:41 PM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: They sure do have a lot of titles with "Christmas" in them, but they are accompanied by cursing or other inappropriate words. Absent in the store in totality is any mention of Christmas. Lots of "Christmas alternative" holiday items also. Ugh.

Translation: They have lots of christmas stuff, but no Christmas stuff! Also, the Christmas stuff which they do have (yet also don't have) all have 4-letter words in the titles. "How the Fucking Grinch Stole Christmas," "Rudolph the red-dicked reindeer," "A Child's Christmas in that shit-hole Wales." etc. Also, they have Jewey Channukkah crap, which disgusts me.

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 8:48 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Thank you, Home Depot for the big Merry Christmas greeting painted across your front entrance windows. We as Christians are only sharing our dollars at stores where the corporate executives recognize Christ as the reason for the holiday. Thank you again and may God continue to bless your business and your employees.

Translation: I have no idea that the founders of Home Depot, Bernie Marcus and Arthur Blank, are both Jewish.

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 6:49 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: had heard chrismas carols while shopping in the store

Translation: I don't know how to spell Christmas, nor do I realize that "Christmas" is a proper noun and, as such, should be capitalized.

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 5:58 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I love the bags "make Christmas count." The Christmas advertising made me want to buy more at K-mart just because they aren't afraid to call it what it is! Great job K-mart!

Translation: I don't realize that I'm being played. I will give K-Mart even more of my money as long as they continue to manipulate my religious convictions!

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 12:19 AM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: The K-mart in Fairfield, Calif. has been playing Christmas Music, with the words of Christmas and even Glory in the Highest by Michael W. Smith. I hope that K-mart would tell those who would complain to go shop somewhere else or offer them earplugs,so those of us who truly treasure our Christmas are not deprived.

Translation: Fuck everyone else. These are the songs I like, and you can like it or lump it.

(note: No one complains about music being too Christmassey. And when people like this complain about things being less than sufficiently Christian/Christmassey, I would love it if someone offered them earplugs or invited them to pound sand.)

Comment Date: Nov 28 2009 11:39 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: Love the Christmas carols celebrating the reason for our celebration as well as "Christmas" used throughout the store as well as employees who are friendly, attentive and not afraid to wish me "Merry Christmas". I tell EVERYONE to shop here! (K-Mart)

Translation: Friendly and attentive employees? I don't know where I was, but it sure as hell wasn't K-Mart!

Comment Date: Nov 29 2009 12:43 PM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: 11/29 Ad: "Every Season starts at Dick's" That's all: no Holiday, no Christmas. no Dick's.

Translation: I find it hilarious that there is a store named Dick's!

Comment Date: Nov 25 2009 8:41 AM
Rating: Christmas-Negligent
Comment: Other stores are too commrcial as well. All are most interested in making money rather than the real meaning of Cristmas

Translation: I don't understand how capitalism works.
Do you mean to tell me that retail stores are in business to make money? Not to spread the Gospel? Well, I never!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 1:02 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: I shopped at JCPenney on Black Friday after researching their use of Christmas. I was very pleased with their use of Christmas in their ads. I appreciate and am proud to shop at JCPenney!

Translation: JC Penney is still in business? Holy Crap!

Comment Date: Nov 30 2009 1:40 PM
Rating: Christmas-Friendly
Comment: As a platinum card holder, I received a gift in the mail from Dillard's wishing me a Merry Christmas. I almost fell over and I am thrilled to shop there this Christmas. I was more excited about them wishing me a Merry Christmas than the gift.

Translation: That's right, I said PLATINUM card holder! Platinum! That's better than gold! I'm so fucking awesome!

Comment Date: Dec 1 2009 7:46 AM
Rating: Christmas-Offensive
Comment: Last week, I read through a Crate and Barrel catalog to see what their stance was on Christmas. I was amazed that the catalog was chocked full of Christmas themed items with no mention of the word "Christmas". This was made more eery because they seemed to try not to use "Holiday" either. Very bizarre.

Translation: Everything frightens me!

Marc Mezvinsky is a lucky SOB

Marc Mezvinsky is one lucky guy.

The man who's marrying Chelsea Clinton

And not just because Chelsea Clinton is easy on the eyes. And not just because she's Stanford-smart, which is like Yale-smart without the evil.
No, Marc Mezvinsky is one lucky guy because he will be the only married man in the US who can rest assured that Bill Clinton won't hit on his wife.

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She Can Quit

So Sarah Palin was in Washington State for Thanksgiving week, and the Tri-City Herald has this story:

Palin participates in Turkey Trot

By Kristin M. Kraemer, Herald staff writer

Most of the story deals with the creepy, cultish behavior of her fans, but there was also this little detail:

Palin had announced on Twitter that she would be running the 5k race organized by the Benton-Franklin Chapter of the Red Cross.

She didn't finish the race, opting to leave the course early to avoid more crowds at the end. About 40 minutes into the run, word started trickling out to people gathered at the finish line that she was gone.

Seriously, Sarah? You can't even finish a frakin 5-K for charity?
And I could understand if you didn't finish because you were too tired, I probably couldn't run 5 kilometers either, but no - you quit because you didn't want to deal with all these regular American folks that you claim to love so much and to represent and to be one of.
Pathetic!

Even more pathetic, though are the Palin-worshipers who fawn over her everywhere she goes. The story in the Herald centers around creepy couple Cynthia and Gary Waddoups, who came to the 5-K just to bask in Palin's presence. No, really!

The Waddoupses have been watching Palin's Facebook page for announcements about her public appearances and upcoming Richland book signing. And it was all politics that drew them out early on the bitter cold holiday because "just being near her" was like a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

"Sorry, we're stalking Sarah Palin, I'm afraid," said Gary Waddoups.

"In a big way," his wife added.

And what do you do when you finally get to meet your hero?

Cynthia Waddoups' wish was fulfilled when she handed Palin two pairs of cashmere/wool socks she'd found in Walla Walla.

Socks? What the hell? You give her socks? Socks you found in Walla Walla?

So if I ever meet Keith Richards, I should present him with, what, some tighty-whiteys that I found in Kalamazoo?

she handed Palin two pairs of cashmere/wool socks she'd found in Walla Walla. One pair was for Palin's son, Trig, and she suggested the other pair could go to grandson, Tripp.

Palin immediately put the socks on Trig, then grasped Waddoups' hand and talked with her before moving on.

Good thing the baby is out in the cold morning air with bare feet.

"She was very nice," said Cynthia Waddoups. . . "That made our day," Gary Waddoups said of Palin. "Her reaction was so genuine. You wouldn't get that out of other people."

Right. No one else would pretend to like a crappy gift. Especially not someone with political aspirations.

But the thing that made me want to cry was this description of a button worn by another Palin fanatic:

. . . Thompson of West Richland, who wore a Rosie the Riveter pin with the words, "Women like Palin make America strong."

Yes, America is made strong by quitters.

Pathetic! Rosie the Riveter must be turning over in her grave.

And yes, I know Rosie the Riveter is not a real person. But Norman Rockwell is probably turning over in his grave.

Too Late!

I Save You Ten Bucks

On Thanksgiving day, Mrs. Chaos, myself, and a friend saw
"The Road."

I don't want to spoil the plot, such as it is, for anyone who is going to insist on subjecting themselves to this movie, but I will just say thay, after the first 20 minutes or so, I spent the next Two Hours rooting for the main characters to commit suicide.

I know that this movie is getting good reviews, and yes the cast is terrific. And the movie is visually impressive. But it's all in the service of a go-nowhere plot that just drags on monotonously and repetitively. And the voice-over contains lines like this:
"When I have nothing else, I try to dream the dreams of a child's imaginings." (probably not an exact quote, but as close as I can remember)

The basic story is that some un-named catastrophe has killed all the plant and animal life on earth (except for a bunch of humans, for some reason)
The entire earth has gotten extremely cold, damp and cloudy. Cannibalism has become common. And this man and his young son are determined to stave off their inevitable doom long enough to get to the coast. They never explain why they are so hell-bent on getting to the coast, and when they do finally get there, and it's just as desolate and hopeless as everywhere else, they don't seem at all surprised or disappointed. And their pontless journey just goes on pointlessly until the father dies.

And I get that it's supposed to be about people trying to hold on to their last bit of humanity under completely inhuman conditions, or the power of mankind's survival instinct, or the strength of the father-son bond or what-the-fuck-ever, but honst-to-God, when you're trying to keep yourself from shouting at the screen "Just do it! Just shoot the kid then shoot yourself!" it's hard to really care about these sort of themes.

And early on in the movie, the father shows the son how to put the barrel of the gun into his mouth and pull the trigger "when the time comes," but somehow the time never ever comes. Even when the father is dying and leaving his Maybe-10-year-old son to fend for himself, he still doesn't put the poor kid out of his misery.




And this isn't even the most preposterous plot point. Earlier in the movie, the kid and his father find a waterfall cascading into a river. Even thought they are bundled up in parkas and wool hats and gloves, they decide to just strip off and go skinny-dipping, as if they were vacationing in the tropics.

Later, after finding an abandoned bomb shelter full of food, blankets, etc. the father decides that they have to leave because it isn't safe. Which wouldn't be strange except that we've already been shown that there is nowhere safe anywhere in the entire fucking world! So the choice is being in danger, but hidden away with food and shelter, or being in danger out in the open without food. And this goddamned genius picks the no food and shelter option?

And when they get to the coast, the father, who has been pretty understandably paranoid about letting the boy out of his sight, decides to leave the boy in a tent on the beach while he tries to swim out to an abandoned boat offshore to see if there is anything onboard that they can use. Oh, but he does give the kid the gun which at this point has exactly ONE BULLET left. So, yeah, he's probably pretty safe.

Anyway, I guess the short version of my first attempt at writing a movie review is this:
"The Road." Save your money.