Worst Reaction to Harriet Tubman Bill

When they announced that Harriet Tubman was going to be on the new $20 bill, I expected ignorant assholes to have a problem with that. I expected to see comments like:

End Cultural Marxism ‎@genophilia

So as the USA becomes a 3rd world shithole, the $20 bill goes ghetto#HarrietTubman

Lord Humungus ‎@DarklyEnlightLM

Removing a white from $20 bill to replace with a mudskin is an act of #WarOnWhites. Wake up, white man.#HarrietTubman

BrewCitriot ‎@BrewCitriot

After Harriet Tubman- let's put this guy on a bill 2 show how blacks would still b living if whitey never came along

You expect this kind of shit from horrible white people.

But I did not see this coming:

Carson: Maybe Tubman should go on the $2 bill

By Eliza Collins

04/20/16 03:05 PM EDT

Ben Carson thinks that Harriet Tubman might be better on the $2 bill than the $20.
The retired neurosurgeon and Donald Trump surrogate was reacting to a story first reported by POLITICO that Tubman — the African-American abolitionist and a woman — will replace President Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill.
"Well I think Andrew Jackson was a tremendous secretary — I mean a tremendous president,” the former presidential candidate said Wednesday on Fox Business.

Hey, don't sell him short, he was a hell of a secretary, too. He could do shorthand like nobody's business.

“I mean, Andrew Jackson was the last president who actually balanced the federal budget,"

Are you sure he was the last one? Because I seem to remember, back in the dim recesses of history. . . oh, gosh what was his name? Real skirt-chaser, played the sax?

I dunno, it was so long ago, who could possibly remember the chubby guy who not only balance the budget, but left a surplus.


So, sure. Andrew Jackson. because right-wing history always has holes in it. There was the founding fathers, then everything was good until Jimmy Carter, then Reagan fixed everything, then nothing happened for a while until Barack Obama caused 9/11 and lost all the wars and did Benghazi.

"And here he gets kicked off the $20 bill," host Neil Cavuto said.
"Right, in honor of that we kick him off of the money,” Carson said

Well, I'm not privy to the discussions held in DC about this change, but I imagine it had more to do with Jackson being a genocidal asshole than with having balanced the budget.

“Are you anti-Harriet Tubman?” Cavuto asked.
"I love Harriet Tubman. I love what she did, but we can find another way to honor her. Maybe a $2 bill,” Carson said.

Yes. What better way to honor this amazing woman than by putting her on a denomination no one uses. Perfect. Why didn't they think of that sooner?

   

 Oh, yeah.

Ted Cruz gets coveted Y-w-h endorsemsnt

So this came across my Twitter feed today:

Ted Cruz’s Yiddish ad tells New York Jews he is God’s chosen candidate

Well of course he thinks he's the chosen one!

Yiddish advertisement run by the Cruz campaign touted the Texas Senator"s conservative bona fides and religious faith.
"Presidential candidate Ted Cruz is the first and only since President Reagan who believes that God is the one who decides who will be elected president of the US, which is why he is confident that he will be elected." 

Okay, first of all, I'm no linguist, but I'm pretty sure that's not Yiddish. 

But anyway. . . Ted, Bubbeleh,  what are you even talking about? God decides who will be the president? If God decides who gets to be President, where the fuck do you get off complaining about Barack Obama? According to you, Barack Obama was chosen by God  himself to be President of Gods' favorite country, where do you get the chutzpah to kvetch about his choice?

Also, Teddy, you meshuggah pischer,  if God is going to decide who wins, and you're confident that he's going to pick you, what are you working so hard for? Relax, have a nosh. Maybe take a schvitz. If God wants you to be president, you'll be president. Why put all this effort into wrangling delegates away from Trump? Just let God work his magic. You know, if you actually believe what your ad says. Or is it all just a bunch of shmontses?       

 

Oy! Enough with the fake Yiddish already, you goyish shmegege! 

On my worst enemy, I shouldn't wish such a read as this post!

Goddammit, this is a weird freaking family!

Ted Cruz apparently has a thing for soup.

Bad soup.




According to his weirdo wife Heidi:

When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.

 Campbell's Chunky? You couldn't at least get Progresso? I mean, it's still canned soup, but it's like the difference between Ragu and Prego. I mean even for canned soup, Campbell's Chunky is pretty low. Have you ever tried Snow's brand clam chowder? Now that's a pretty good canned soup. And it's a concentrate, which makes it more surprising. Also, I don't know if you can get Andersen's Pea Soup outside of California, but . . .



Anyway, we seem to have gotten a bit off-topic. Back to Heidi:

This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”

A "tough conversation?" "Don't buy an insane amount of crappy soup" is a tough conversation? A tough conversation is usually something along the lines of "I know you meant well, but I can't wear this whorish outfit you bought me for our anniversary" or "No way in Hell is your lunatic father moving in here!"
 

No, it would not be like that at all!

So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.

So this marriage is obviously getting off to a solid start. He goes behind your back to buy a survivalist's bunker's worth of bad soup, you go behind his back to return it. Trust is the foundation of a solid relationship!

Also, you're a professional woman. You have an MBA from Harvard. You had just finished working as as an economic policy director on the Bush for President campaign. And you're calling your mother up for Stepford housewife advice?

I was Phi Beta Cappa!

And neither of you realized that your only two options are not 100 cans or zero? You couldn't say, let's get maybe a dozen at a time? It would be the easiest compromise you'd ever have to make. Although, I assume Ted probably would say "I get all 100 cans or so help me, I'll shut down the government!"

And I will read this children's book cover to cover! 

And you will sit there and listen to every word!

Stupid People Saying Stupid Things

Stupid person number one: Bill O'Relliy

Discussing Trump’s poor showing with black voters and his attempts to appeal to that demographic, O’Reilly let loose :
BILL O’REILLY: But how are you going to get jobs for them? Many of them are ill-educated and have tattoos on their foreheads, and I hate to be generalized about it, but it’s true. If you look at all the educational statistics, how are you going to get jobs for people who aren’t qualified for jobs?

You know, putting aside for the moment that Bill O'Reilly is a huge racist, what the fuck is he even talking about? I've seen a lot of people in my time - black, white, Asian, Hispanic, etc. and I'm pretty sure that I have never seen a black guy with a forehead tattoo. I don't think even Dennis Rodman ever had one. I've seen plenty of white guys with tattoos all over their faces, but never a black guy.

But maybe that's just me. So I Googled "forehead tattoo" and looked at the images.

You have to scroll through about 50 scary-looking white guys before you finally come to this fellow

who for some reason felt the need to have a brand of shoes tattooed on his noggin.

And there are a couple of other black guys, but it's mostly dudes who look like this:

And, granted, those guys are going to have a tough time finding jobs in the non-criminal sector of our economy, but who the hell thinks that forehead tattoo is some kind of a black guy stereotype?


Stupid person number two: Rep. Mark Walker

North Carolina Congressman: Bruce Springsteen Is a "Bully" for Canceling Concert

How? How is Bruce Springsteen being a bully?

A U.S. congressman who represents portions of Greensboro, N.C., is accusing Bruce Springsteen of being a "bully," after the rock star canceled a concert there to protest a new law that's being described as anti-gay.
"It's disappointing he's not following through on his commitments," said Rep. Mark Walker, a Republican freshman congressman.

Yes. that's what bullies do. they fail to follow through on their commitments. That's why everyone hates and fears them.

"Bruce is known to be on the radical left," continued Walker, "and he's got every right to be so, but I consider this a bully tactic. It's like when a kid gets upset and says he's going to take his ball and go home."

 Um, I think you're confusing being a bully with being a crybaby? Bullies don't take their ball and go home. They take YOUR ball and go home. And your lunch money.
 Taking your ball and going home is a response to being bullied, it's not bullying.

 Okay, so you just lost Bruce Springsteen. Care to look on the bright side, Congressman?

"We've got other artists coming soon — Def Leppard, Justin Bieber," the congressman told The Hollywood Reporter.

 

 Ahahahaha! Def Leppard!

 

 Ahahahahaha!! Justin Bieber!

 "I've never been a Bieber fan, but I might have to go. Maybe artists who weren't 'born to run' deserve a little bit more support," he said, referencing one of Springsteen's most famous songs.

You know what? Go. Go to a Justin Bieber show. Sitting through a Justin Bieber performance seems like an adequate punishment. Not for your anti-LGBT laws, but for that hacky "Born to Run" reference.

Bad News, Ladies.

Christian Author Mack Major Says Female Masturbation Is ‘Direct Path To Satan’

Too many Christian women are losing their salvation because they masturbate. Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals. It's one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods.

Uh oh!

Masturbation is a direct path to Satan. There's nothing normal about it. And shame on any Christian that says so.

Many of you who are reading this have sex toys in your possession right now.

Looking at you, readers of the Daily Irritant, you naughty sex piggies!

And whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life. 

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and not accept that as fact. Mainly because it is very silly and has no basis in any kind of reality and also doesn't really make a lot of sense.

 And because this would make a lousy sex toy.

“There are such things as sex demons. And the danger in masturbating is that one could inadvertently summon a sex demon to attach itself to you through the act of masturbating.

Okay, so let me see if I got this straight.
Demons are fallen angels whom God has sentenced to an eternity in Hell. They are trapped in the lake of fire for all eternity. Unless someone masturbates. That's the loophole. 

  

Every time a vibrator buzzes, a demon gets his wings!

 I bet God wishes he'd set the sentencing guidelines a bit more carefully.

 Now we'll be safe from the demons. I mean, unless someone touches her ladybusiness. 

But who would ever do that?

Sex is God's chosen method for bringing into physical existence His own children. But Satan very cleverly determined that sex could also be used to empower demonic entities via human sexual activity. And it's been his chosen method above all others to deceive and destroy humans.

Wow! So much to unpack from this short paragraph. First of all, it sounds like you're saying that Satan really outsmarted God on the whole sex thing. Also, "physical existence?" Does that mean that before our parents made us we existed in some otherwordly dimension? Like we were souls floating around waiting for our parents to make bodies for us to live in? I'm no fancy big-city theologian, but that doesn't really seem biblically sound.
Also, saying that sex is used via human sexual activity? That's like saying that bacon is used via bacon. Mmmmm, bacon. . . .

“Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals,” he wrote. “It’s one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods.”

Really? well, according to Satan_supplies.com, your one-stop shop for satan-worship supplies (I'm not even kidding) other items used in satanic rituals include pendulums, bells and incense, so I guess I should avoid grandfather clocks, kitchen timers, and hippies?



Also, it's really odd that this whole summoning demons thing seems only to apply to female masturbation. Demons just aren't interested in dudes jacking it? It's only when a woman uses a dildo that they. . . actually, yeah, I can see that. Demons are probably all hetero males.



And speaking of dildos and vibrators. . .

Holy fuck, look at these monsters!
This is pretty much exhibit A for why you should never use the word "pussy" to refer to someone who is weak or not tough or wimpy or whatever. Banging these things is what "pussies" do for FUN! These things are terrifying!
You know what's weak and not tough and can't take the slightest hit? Testicles. If you want to call someone weak, you should call him a testicle.

Read more about the connection between sex. masturbation and demons here: https://www.edendecoded.com/blog-2/item/lust
and
https://www.facebook.com/edendecoded/?fref=nf 

It's worth a few minutes of your time!