Sunday, May 15, 2011

Which Paul is Worse?

We already know which Paul was the best. It was Les.

http://obit-mag.com/media/image/lespaul.jpg

There will never be a better Paul.

But which Paul is the worst? That's open for debate. Let's start with the newest Paul, young Rand.


Rand Paul says people who support universal healthcare 'believe in slavery'

 

 Ooh. Sprinting out to an early lead!

"With regard to the idea of whether you have a right to healthcare, you have to realize what that implies. It’s not an abstraction. I’m a physician.

Yeah, for starters, you're really not a physician. You're not certified by any recognized medical board. In fact, you considered the certification process so unfair (requiring doctors to know stuff! The very idea!) that you created your own made-up certification board to certify yourself. But do go on.


I’m a physician. That means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me," Paul said recently in a Senate subcommittee hearing.

"It means you believe in slavery. It means that you’re going to enslave not only me, but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses," Paul said, adding that there is "an implied use of force."

So, if there are more people who can afford your dubious services, meaning more people who potentially might come to your office and pay you money to do whatever it is you do, that's like conscription? How do you not see that this would be to your advantage?
MORE CUSTOMERS = MORE MONEY.
It's a pretty simple equation.
I think you don't really get what the word "slavery" means. It means someone forcing you to work against your will for no pay. It looks like this:

http://www.erbzine.com/mag18/bu077h5.jpg 



Or, for some people, like this:
                  http://www.towerofpain.com/preview/preview-pics/top983.jpg

but that's none of my business.


What you're talking about, universal health care, looks like this:


http://costofivf.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/PAYING-DOCTOR-PHOTO-200x300.jpg 

See the difference?


"If I’m a physician in your community and you say you have a right to healthcare, you have a right to beat down my door with the police, escort me away and force me to take care of you? That’s ultimately what the right to free healthcare would be," Paul said.

Also, the police would themselves be slaves since everyone is entitled to their protection. Sure, they signed up for the job, receive a salary and are free to quit at any time, but still. SLAVERY!

Really, I'd say you're more of a slave now, since every citizen of Kentucky is entitled to be represented by you. Maybe "entitled" isn't the right word, since I can't believe most of them are any too happy about that. Still, though, every citizen of Kentucky has a right to your representational services, so by your logic, that makes you a slave! Now fetch me a mint julep, slave!

Usually, when a wingnut makes this sort of outlandish claim, you can figure out where the germ of the idea came from. You can usually figure out what fact they are misinterpreting or distorting, but this? I have no idea where this comes from.

This is going to be hard to beat. May we have the next Paul please?

http://www.hscdsb.on.ca/Userfiles/Users/0/Image/schools/paul/StPaul.jpg 
Oh, no. No. I'm not touching that one.You are disqualified, sir.

Next!

http://themoderatevoice.com/wordpress-engine/files/2010_Feb/ron_paul_at_a_debate.jpg 

Ah, Ok. Here we go. It's Texas Congressman Ron Paul, the original Paultard!
I've always had a certain grudging respect for Ron Paul, even though I think he's wrong about pretty much everything. I mean, even when he's right, like opposing the Iraq War, he's right for the wrong reason. But I like the fact that he seems like one of the few political figures who is really sincere in his beliefs, and really says what he means, not what he thinks his audience wants to hear. Anyway, I always thought he was more nutty than awful. Then I read a few quotes from his newsletter.


""Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5 percent of blacks have sensible political opinions, i.e. support the free market, individual liberty and the end of welfare and affirmative action," 

""Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the `criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal," 

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiamCOGyInCc6n0Tpt326jLU5Mv1INX7eeTyxDprVE_EutZz0IN9UAZkdBr0KbZb0ge2FeK_nfvjknmbHCW5xgtlC4yLHDj7ysbUgutAg7laZmDkzn8ewoX2tPQPt-vJpTtxSu7N0kOuMo/s320/stunned+face.jpg
 "(Carjacking) is the hip-hop thing to do among urban youth who play unsuspecting whites like pianos. The youth simply walk up to a car they like, pull a gun, tell the family to get out, steal their jewelry and wallets, and take the car to wreck. Such actions have ballooned in the recent months.

"In the old days, average people could avoid such youth by staying out of bad neighborhoods. Empowered by media, police, and political complicity, however, the youth now roam everywhere looking for cars to steal and people to rob.

"What can you do? More and more Americans are carrying a gun in the car. An ex-cop I know advises that if you have to use a gun on a youth, you should leave the scene immediately, disposing of the wiped off gun as soon as possible. Such a gun cannot, of course, be registered to you, but one bought privately (through the classifieds, for example).

"I frankly don't know what to make of such advice, but even in my little town of Lake Jackson, Texas, I've urged everyone in my family to know how to use a gun in self defense. For the animals are coming."

http://images.mylot.com/userImages/images/postphotos/1181314.jpg 


Okay, that's it. No more calls, we have a winner.

Holy Shit!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Crazy Candidate of the Day

Oh, my God! This is so ridiculous, it looks like a Saturday Night Live parody. Except funny.



I don't know where to begin with this ad. Maybe the lady screaming "I'm Korean!!!!" for no apparent reason? Or maybe the candidate reassuring her that being Korean isn't necessarily a bad thing, heck even my wife is Korean!

Could a political ad possibly get any worse?
Haha, of course it could!



I don't know what's the most ridiculous part of this. Maybe it's the worst trash-talking of all time? "Oh yeah? well my dad's a lawyer!" Is that supposed to psych him out? You're supposed to say something like "you can't beat me, you got no game, don't bring that weak shit in here," or something, I don't know, basketball-related?
And "gets shit done" is pretty much the job description of every unemployed baby-daddy on Judge Judy. What do you do for a living? Oh, you know, I do my thing. I get shit done. So, sure, vote for me for Congress!

And when did Patty Duke go insane?



Thank God they cut away before the big gross foursome started. Unfortunately, they didn't cut away before Patty Duke made a bunch of old-lady-pooping-her-pants noises.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

The End Is Upon Us! Oh, wait. False alarm!

From Yahoo News:

Searching for Judgment Day

We've seen a 200 percent jump in searches on Yahoo! for "May 21st." Searches are also spiking for "the rapture," "end of the world," and "Harold Camping." 

Oh, my God, really? Tell me that doesn't mean people are taking this guy seriously.

http://arthurgraph.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/harold-camping.jpg Seriously, that's really him. That's really what he looks like.

 So, apparently there's some super-secret hidden code in the Bible and THIS GUY. . .

http://greatwrath.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Harold-Camping-e1301746003202.jpg

. . . has cracked it.

This guy is the only one who has figured out this super-secret code written by the Almighty himself. This guy.http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_bPy-NDdUSEE/TSS359Sxu_I/AAAAAAAAMZE/LzYXlvHAvTs/s1600/harold+camping.jpg

So, it seems like one of two possible scenarios is taking place here.

Either a) God has this super-important message about the end of the world that he wants his children to know, but for some reason, he hid it in some elaborate code that makes the Enigma Machine look amateurish.

Or b) God hid this message in super-secret code because he DIDN'T want people to know about it, but haha! He hadn't counted on Harold Camping!

Camping! 

 

Camping said he pinned down May 21 as doomsday using clues and prophesies he found in the Bible. "It is absolutely going to happen without any question at all," Camping said in an interview. But if you look at his track record, you may not be so convinced. Camping previously predicted judgment day would be in September 1994. 

http://www.clipartguide.com/_named_clipart_images/0511-0702-2316-3517_Businessman_Laughing_Hysterically_clipart_image.jpg 

Wow! And from what I gather, there are still people who believe this nut.

You know, at least the Mayans were on to something. At least their doomsday prediction was based on something. Whether or not it has any significance, our sun will be at the exact center of the Milky Way on Dec. 21, 2012.

http://www.interestment.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/milky-way-380x274.jpg

Mmmm, right in with all the delicious nougat!

Will this cause the world to end? Probably not. But there is some speculation that the gravitational pull of the sun and the other stars and what-not could theoretically cause the poles to shift, which could cause other bad things to happen. I assume this is highly unlikely, but at least it's something.At least the Mayans studied Astronomy and figured out patterns which allowed them to predict a cosmic event which could maybe be significant. It's better than finding some super-secret hidden code in an English translation of a book written in Ancient Hebrew.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Bristol Palin has already learned to speak Republican.

Bristol Palin: 'It's not plastic surgery!' it's 'corrective jaw surgery'





Riiiiiiight!
Obviously, this was medically necessary surgery.

Also, so was this:



Apparently, the Palin family is just congenitally unable to tell the truth.

Or maybe Bristol has been studying with Frank Luntz. Having your chin and cheekbones reshaped is "corrective jaw surgery," just like the estate tax is the "death tax." Just like allowing more air pollution is the "clear skies" initiative. Just like allowing more clear-cutting is the "healthy forests" initiative.

This is just how they talk. They absolutely refuse to have an honest discussion.

Bristol Palin admits her recent change in appearance was due to a procedure — but not plastic surgery.





The 20-year-old daughter of 2008 GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin tells Us Weekly that she underwent corrective jaw surgery in December, a month after she finished third on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Her face now appears thinner, with higher cheekbones and an angular jaw.




The new look, complete with Palin losing 5 pounds, was unveiled April 30 at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington, D.C.




"Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons," she told the magazine for its May 23 issue, which will be on newsstands Friday.




Palin said she had the procedure so her jaw and teeth could properly realign.




Yes, yeas she does expect you to believe that. Sure, my cheekbones look more defined, after all I lost FIVE POUNDS! And everyone's chin looks thinner after oral surgery! Why not just say "I had a bunch of money from Dancing With The Stars and from my ridiculous abstinence speeches, so I decided to have a little work done." Who would hold that against her? If she didn't like the way she looks and has the money to change it, more power to her! Why lie?
 
Here's my theory. I once saw an interview with Rosanne in which she said that she had cosmetic surgery because she didn't like to look in the mirror and see the face of her abusive father. I think Bristol couldn't stand looking in the mirror and seeing Sarah the Quitter, but she's scared enough of sarah to not want to admit this publicly, so she made uo this whole "corrective jaw surgery" story knowing that her mom is dumb enough to believe it.


Oh, she may well have actually had this jaw realignment, but I'm guessing that she told the doctor, "hey, as long as you got me under, how about fixing these cheekbones and chin?"

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Schmuck of the Day

It's the Right Reverend Jim Moats of  Newville, PA!

Three Days Ago. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Yesterday.
Local pastor made up elaborate Navy SEAL tale

 By Liz Goodwin Mon May 9, 4:11 pm ET

Moats told his church for five years that he was a former SEAL, and even once wore the elite program's gold Trident medal around town.
Oh, that's just a bad idea. There is no way this ends well. Unless you're really good at keeping a low profile, maybe.
 
He elaborated on that tale when his local paper contacted him last week as it was reporting a story about the rigors of SEAL training in the wake of the SEAL raid on Osama bin Laden's compound.




Oh, my God. Really? You really went ahead and talked to the press about your made-up Walter Mitty military career? Did it not occur to you that some actual Navy SEALS might read the local rag?

Or maybe you did enough research about the SEALS to be able to put together a realistic account of your made-up time in the elite fighting force?


 
I would start here.
Several former SEALs wrote into The Patriot-News casting doubt on the reverend's account of his service
Retired SEAL Don Shipley said he is one of a few former SEALs who are entrusted by the Navy with maintaining the database containing the names of all SEALS. The database cannot be accessed by the public.

Moats was never a SEAL and never had set foot in Vietnam, Shipley said.
Oh, but wait. That's not even the best part.
THIS is the best part:

Shipley said Moats’ story about being re-assigned to kitchen duty and about being waterboarded were lifted from the Steven Seagal movie “Under Siege,” while his reference to being hit by SEAL instructors was vintage “GI Jane.”




 
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
“We deal with these guys all the time, especially the clergy. It’s amazing how many of the clergy are involved in those lies to build that flock up,” Shipley said.
 


Wait, what?
There are really a lot of clergymen trotting out the fake Navy SEAL story?
How does that build up the flock?
Why would a minister being a former special-ops killing machine be a selling point for your congregation? If a minister is going to lie about his past accomplishments, shouldn't those accomplishments be a bit more Jeezusey?  I've heard of pastors claiming to have been involved in exorcisms, or being able to raise the dead. I could see bragging about how many souls you've saved or what dangerous places you've been as a missionary, but why a Navy Seal?

 
Oh. I see.

There's something very wrong here. What kind of person is shopping for a house of worship and says "Hey, I hear the guy at Saint John's has the most confirmed kills?" How is that a criterion for choosing a spiritual leader?
If that's your basis for joining a congregation, you deserve to have your pastor turn out to be the Schmuck of the Day.