Monday, July 15, 2013

Might want to Stear Clear of Missouri for a While



Because it looks like there's apt to be a bunch of 7-year-olds running around with guns.



Even more than usual.

New Missouri Law Would Allow First Graders To Take NRA-Sponsored Gun Class

EDDIE EAGLE GUNSAFE PROGRAM: Each school district and charter school may annually teach the Eddie Eagle Gunsafe Program to first grade students, or use a substantially similar or successor program of the same qualifications. The purpose of the program will be to promote safety and protection of children and emphasize how students should respond if they encounter a firearm. School personnel and program instructors must not make value judgments about firearms. Firearms are prohibited from the teaching of the program. Students with disabilities will participate to the extent appropriate. (Section 171.410)


Hey, Missouri. Let me save you a little time here. Here's the Professor Chaos gun safety class for first graders.

DON'T EVER TOUCH A GUN

Feel free to use this curriculum at any of your schools. No charge!
You're welcome.

P.S. Here's something I didn't know about Missouri. If you are incarcerated in one of their prisons, they will bill you for your stay there, like a fucking hotel.


(also from the text of SB-75)

Under current law, prisoners in a county jail must pay the costs of their board. This act requires the circuit clerk in each county to report to the Office of State Courts Administrator the names of people certified by the sheriff as being delinquent in the payment of money owed for a period of imprisonment in a county jail. Whenever a person has satisfied his or her debt or begun making regular payments to the sheriff, the sheriff must notify the clerk that the person is no longer considered delinquent. (Section 221.070)


So when you get out of the hoosegow (as they probably still say in Missouri), not only do you have a record hanging over your head, making it difficult for you to re-start a new life on the straight and narrow, you also have this debt hanging over your head so that when you do manage to find someone who will hire an ex-con, it will be even more difficult to make ends meet, which is totally not a recipe for a return to a life of crime!


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Don't tackle Jesus!




Someone is selling this weird little tchotchke on the net:



Which is weird enough to begin with, but check out the kid on the right. He's tackling Jesus!

Fuck you, you little bastard, you don't tackle Jesus!

Also, someone painted this:



Hey, asshole. Jesus is calling for a lateral! When Jesus calls for a lateral, you goddamm well lateral that ball to Jesus! Don't be a fucking ball hog!



Apparently, Jesus is big into sports. Who knew?



Ha ha! I'm so much taller than you!
 
Dammit, Jesus, this is no fun!

He plays a lot of basketball:

 
Bitch, you can't guard me. You got nothin'!
 
 
And hockey:
 
 
 
Verily, I say unto thee: Helmets are for pussies!




His hands-on approach to baseball coaching gets a little creepy:

 
 



And the less said about this, the better:

 
Yeah, I don't think that's really Jesus. Have you seen any ID?

 
 
He's the one that made Romo fumble that snap in 2007:
 
 
 
 
Ha ha, I had the Seahawks and the points!


He coaches karate!
Wait, he coaches karate?



 

Turn the other cheek method! If done right, can not defeat!

He even makes up his own sports!

Okay, Jimmy, you take the snap from center, pass it to Jenny who whacks it with a bat, then Suzie scores a three-pointer. It can't miss! 




I said I like sports. I didn't say I understood them!




Wait a minute. He's fighting a girl. That boy is fighting a girl? How can Jesus sanction this bout?

Jeesus Christ, Google. What the Fuck?


(via GRIST)


Google hosts fundraiser for climate-denying Sen. Jim Inhofe




Oh, for the love of. . . Are you fucking serious, Google?

Didn't Google's corporate logo used to be "don't be Evil?" I guess they've decided that it's not strictly "evil" to be a huge bag of butts and shockingly pignorant (copyright 2011, Chaos Industries)

The lunch, at the company’s Washington, D.C., office, will benefit the Oklahoma Republican Jim Inhofe, who has made a career of dismissing climate change as a “hoax” on the Senate floor.
Proceeds of the July 11 lunch, priced at $250 to $2,500, will also go to the national Republican Senatorial Committee.

You know, it would be one thing if James Inhofe was merely an embarrassment to a once-great (arguably) nation and a walking punchline to a joke about inbred Oklahomans, but his fucktarded assholery has real-world consequences for this planet and the people condemned to live upon it (oh, shit. That's us!)
 
Also, who hosts a fundraiser at some company's DC office? Are there no banquet halls available in Oklahoma?

 
Oh, right!

Seriously, though, come on, Google. You know, if you really don't understand how dangerously stupid James Inhofe is, you could find out pretty quick with A GOOGLE SEARCH!
 
 
 
I mean, it's not like you guys are actually in favor of environmental destruction, are you?

It’s the second show of support from Google for the anti-climate cause in recent weeks.
Last month, the Washington Post reported that the internet company had donated $50,000 for a fundraising dinner for the ultra-conservative Competitive Enterprise Institute — topping the contributions even of the Koch oil billionaires.

 Oh, for fuck's sake!

The Competitive Enterprise Institute has launched multiple lawsuits aimed at trying to discredit the science behind climate change — accusing scientists of fraud. None has so far succeeded.

Really? That's hard to believe. I mean, if you can't sue someone for doing science, what has our legal system come to?
Seriously, what standing could you possibly have to sue climate science? The fact that they're showing you to be moronically wrong about science maybe equals defamation of character?


 
Well, if we had any character. . .


Come on, Google. You know who James Inhofe is. You know he's dangerously wrong about, well, everything, but especially climatology. You know that. there's no excuse for helping to fuel his destructive idiocy. I don't know what committee he sits on that might affect your future business plans or whatever, but there is no way in hell you're afraid enough of this pinhead to fund him out of intimidation. Just stop it. It's wrong, you know it's wrong, just stop it.

However, a company spokesperson noted that Google maintained data centers in Oklahoma. The spokesperson then sent an email saying:
We regularly host fundraisers for candidates, on both sides of the aisle, but that doesn’t mean we endorse all of their positions. And while we disagree on climate change policy, we share an interest with Senator Inhofe in the employees and data center we have in Oklahoma.

Fuck, you, yes it does mean that you endorse their positions. How much more of an endorsement could you give a candidate than to host a fundraiser on his behalf? You can't say "we're raising a bunch of money to help this guy get re-elected, but we sure hope it doesn't work, 'cuz holy fuck is he a loonie!"

And it's not just his stance on science being wrong because he thinks science is some sort of conspiracy and the Bible doesn't talk about it so it isn't true. He's really just a terrible, awful person:




Wandering off topic a bit, as I seem wont to do lately, you want to know what I (a "normal person") and James Inhofe (not even close) have in common?

Glad you asked!

James Inhofe knows exactly DICK about climate science. I also know pretty much dick. The difference is I'm not smart enough (barely) to realize this. And I understand that the men and women who have spent their adult lives studying climate science know a bit more about climate science than the guy who watched an episode of NOVA once, but it was about string theory and I didn't really understand it that well and I guess it isn't really all that germane to the topic at hand, but I did stay awake through the whole thing.

 Inhofe1




So fuck you, Google. And fuck you, people of Oklahoma who keep returning this anthropomorphic pig's anus to the Senate (Along with Coburn, who's just as bad). This isn't about political differences, this is about how bad the next tornado season is going to be, and all the tornado seasons to come. It's about how n=many people are going to be killed, how many homes are going to be destroyed because we refuse to take any steps to mitigate the damage we as a species are doing to our habitat, and James Inhofe is a big reason why none of those steps are being taken. And, sure if it was just tornados, we could all say "hey, Okalhoma, if you don't mind being Wizard-of-Ozzed all over the plains by giant tornadoes every year, that's your problem. And if we lived there, we'd probably be praying for tornadoes, too,"  but it's also about how many people will be killed by hurricanes in Florida, and how many people will drown in floods throughout the Ohio River Basin, and (and I know this is hard for you to grasp) how many people will die in horrible giant blizzards in the Northeast.
So, knock this shit off, people of Oklahoma. It's not funny. Your actions affect everybody, and so far the effects have been pretty terrible. For fuck's sake, you just had the two largest tornadoes in history, or the tstrongest, or something, I f=don't know but they were pretty awful.  No one's asking you to like Al Gore. Just quit obstructing the people who are trying to save the rest of us from destructive weather patterns, and you can make fun of him for being dull and aft all you want. He probably won't mind, if it means that the Earth might still be inhabitable for his grandkids.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Rand Paul Cohort is a racist, secessionist, neo-Confederate assbag? I am shocked!


 

Rebel Yell


Rand Paul aide has history of neo-Confederate sympathies, inflammatory statements

 
 



Well, you know what they say, scratch a Libertarian, find a Neo-Confederate!
Yes they do always say that!


A close aide to Sen. Rand Paul (R., Ky.) who co-wrote the senator’s 2011 book spent years working as a pro-secessionist radio pundit and neo-Confederate activist, raising questions about whether Paul will be able to transcend the same fringe-figure associations that dogged his father’s political career.


Okay, let's just stop here for a second to point out that Rand and Ron Paul don't associate with fringe figures. They ARE fringe figures.
The only reason they have the level of mainstream acceptance they have is that most of their supporters don't have any idea what they actually stand for past legalized pot and no more taxes.


 
Hard to believe these guys wouldn't be better informed!



Paul hired Jack Hunter, 39, to help write his book The Tea Party Goes to Washington during his 2010 Senate run. Hunter joined Paul’s office as his social media director in August 2012.
From 1999 to 2012, Hunter was a South Carolina radio shock jock known as the “Southern Avenger.” He has weighed in on issues such as racial pride and Hispanic immigration, and stated his support for the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln.

This is maybe the most extreme example of the "It's Okay If You're a Conservative" phenomenon,. If you're far enough to the right, you can actually celebrate the murder of an American President and still have a career in politics. You can still be welcome to spew your sicko views onto the public airwaves, and a Senator eyeing a presidential run won't even feel like he needs to shun you, even though you OPENLY CELEBRATE THE ASSASINATION OF A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
Oh, and you can openly call for secession from the US of A and still be considered a good patriotic American of whom a potential presidential candidate need not be ashamed.

Prior to his radio career, while in his 20s, Hunter was a chairman in the League of the South, which “advocates the secession and subsequent independence of the Southern States from this forced union and the formation of a Southern republic.”

I hadn't ever heard of the League of the South before,

 
I honestly thought it was this.


So I checked out their webpage and it's pretty much what you'd expect. An exercise in wrapping polite language around the basic ideas of white supremacy and hatred of modernity. Here are a couple of highlights"


The League of the South asserts that Southern society is radically different from the society impressed upon it by an alien occupier. American society today is egalitarian and Marxist and is devoid of any grace or charm


 
Hell, yeah! Grace and Charm!
 

 
In contrast, we believe in a Southern society that:


Upholds the ontological or spiritual equality of all men before God and the bar of justice.  . .

Is structured upon the Biblical notion of hierarchy. In short, a recognition of the natural societal order of superiors and subordinates where Christian charity (as found in the second Table of the Law) toward our neighbors produces harmony and stability. Christ is the head of His Church; husbands are the heads of their families; parents are placed over their children; employers rank above their employees; the teacher is superior to his students, etc.


You know, equality!

 Teaches and practices good manners and the famed “Southern hospitality, which are outward manifestations of the recognition that our fellow men are made in the image of God and should be treated according to God’s law.


Except n***ers and Jews!

Some of the funniest (in a tragi-comic sense) parts are on the FAQ page:

Q: Does the LS advocate armed revolution or overthrow of the current US government?
A:
No. We are not revolutionaries; therefore, we do not seek the overthrow of the US government. Rather, we seek, by peaceful and well-established legal and constitutional means, to separate ourselves from it

We would certainly not advocate violence. We believe in using Constitutional, legal means which don't exist, have never existed, never will exist and are the creation of our own wishful-thinking and just plain ignorance. You know, like the well-established legal principle of "but I really want to!"

Q:  What is the LS position regarding blacks in the South?
A: The LS disavows a spirit of malice and extends an offer of good will and cooperation to Southern blacks in areas where we can work together as Christians to make life better for all people in the South. We affirm that, while historically the interests of Southern blacks and whites have been in part antagonistic,




In part antagonistic! just like the sometimes strained relations between cats and mice. Or me and a pint of Cherry Garcia.

Oh, you are going DOWN, muthafucka!
 

Anyway, I don't to spend a whole lot of time on it, but if you have a few minutes, check out their website: http://dixienet.org/rights/2012/index.php it's laugh-out-loud funny (unintentionally) and surprisingly devoid of the N-word. (Although, if there's a comment section, hoo boy, I'd hate to even think about it.) Basically, they seem to be a group of deluded white guys who got their image of the Antebellum South from Gone With The Wind and think that if only they could get back to those halcyon days everything would be just fine and dandy once again, so basically, morons, I guess.

Anyway, back to Jack Hunter, or, as he likes to refer to himself in the third person, "The Southerm Avenger!"

A photo of the Southern Avenger posted to Rebellion Blog.

Take that, sense of irony!



I'm not sure who publishes his drivel, but his drivel includes drivel like this:


No Apologies for Slavery
by The Southern Avenger
4 March 2007


John Wilkes Booth Was Right
by The Southern Avenger
13 April 2004


Let's Invade Saudi Arabia  
by The Southern Avenger
16 October 2007


And my personal favorite:

White, Right and Ready to Fight  


 
by The Southern Avenger
10 September 2004

In which the Avenger encounters a black man passed out drunk at a bar and uses the drunkard to extrapolate to the entirety of race relations in the whole of the US, and includes this charming paragraph:
 
 The bartender politely told the man he could not sleep in the booth, that he should finish what was left of his beer, but then he must leave - and like clockwork - the man began cursing and threatening the bartender and then declared he was going to sue the bar for racism. There was no racism here. I should have told this A-hole that the Avenger got kicked out a month ago for having sex with a black girl in the exact same booth - but it didn't have anything to do with the fact that the girl was black. I got kicked out because she was the girlfriend of one of the bartenders.      

I don't even have a smart-alecky comment, just an apology for the mental image.


 
You're picturing me doing it right now, aren't you?

I would point out that just because an extremely inebriated man makes a baseless claim of racism, that hardly seems like a scientific sample from which to build your theory of race relations. Let's judge all white guys by what Mel Gibson says when he's drunk!

Oh, no wait. I just took another peek at the archive and now I have a new personal favorite:

Are White People Out of Style?  

by The Southern Avenger
22 November 2004




Um, short answer yes. Long answer yeeeeeeeesssssss.

So I'm going to guess that this article is going to be about how white people must bear the heavy yoke of some unfair double-standard?


Clothing company Abercrombie and Fitch settled a lawsuit last week in which they agreed to pay $50 million dollars in damages for alleged “racial discrimination.” This class-action lawsuit was filed last June by Asian and Hispanic groups who claimed the clothing company discriminated against racial minorities in order to convey a virtually “all-white image.” This settlement also requires Abercrombie and Fitch to hire  at least twenty-five “diversity recruiters” whose main task will be to make sure the company is not too white. This nonsense is just one more example of the racial double standard we have in this country
.

Bingo!

The three largest racial groups in the United States today are whites, blacks and Hispanics. But unfortunately, the mutual respect needed is not prevalent among all three groups. Black Americans are encouraged to celebrate their racial identity by appealing to their shared experience of injustice and African roots, and while hip-hop is a worldwide phenomenon, rap is still a musical culture that is defined overwhelmingly by black American youth.


It is so totally unfair of them to be better at it than us!

 
Also totally unfair!


 Hispanics indulge in an even more nationalistic form of racial identity by flying Mexican flags, listening to a foreign music that both black and white Americans have never even heard of, and turning everywhere they settle into northern outposts of their Mexican homeland.


Um, everyone but you has heard of Salsa, Conjunto, Norteno, and Selena. But that's probably not the point, is it?

 
What strange manner of foreign musicry is this?


And then there are white people. Not only are whites not afforded the same right to celebrate their own cultural identity – but anything that is considered “too white” is immediately suspect. Nobody talks about rap music being “too black.” No one would dare suggest that the agricultural work force is “too Hispanic.” But let something like NASCAR, country music or the Republican party become patronized mainly by white Americans, and you can bet your ass someone is going to scream racism. You never hear about the need for “diversity” when the group in question is black or Hispanic. But when the group is white – diversity somehow becomes the number one objective.



Oh my God. I never understand this. If these people are going to create their own alternate reality, why wouldn't they make it a pleasant place for them to live? In my alternate universe, I'm sort of a Joe Montana - Carols Santana hybrid who can't walk around the house without tripping over one of my Nobel Prizes. But in their alternate reality they're ALWAYS the victim. Look at that last paragraph: White people are "not afforded the same right?"  They can't "celebrate their cultural identity?" I guess that's why you never see anyone waving Italian flags at Columbus Day Parades?

 
 
If only we were Mexican!


And you never see Irish flags waving in the breeze outside of every other bar in town.

 



Or  British pubs in every city in the US

 
 

Or whatever the hell this is!
 
But, no. In the alternate universe of the right-wing sisters of perpetual victimhood, only Mexicans are allowed to fly their flags.
 

And when has anyone called NASCAR racist? It's been called boring. And stupid. And boring.

 
Also stupid!
 
but when has anyone ever said "oh, mainly white guys like auto racing. Pardon me whilst I go out and scream 'RACISM!'"
 
If Abercrombie and Fitch want to hire and promote only blonde-haired, blue-eyed Swedish models, what's wrong with that?

 
Um, really? You actually have to ask "what's wrong with blatant racism?"
 
Abercrombie and Fitch is a company that appeals mainly to preppy white people and I think it's ridiculous that they are being punished for it.

 
How exactly are they being punished for having a mainly white clientele? They are being sued for pushing out non-white employees in order to maintain their lily-white image. No one is saying punish Abercrombie for having mainly white customers.
 
 
 
Although I am saying punish them for this bullshit!
 
Anyway, I seem to have wandered off topic a bit. I huess my main point is that Rand Paul associates with racist neo-Confederate douchebags mainly because he is one and that no one is going to call him out on this because It's Okay If You're A Conservative!
 
 


 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Courage International is fucking weird!

When last we spoke, or when last I typed and you were bored enough to read, we were discussing horrible Paul Scalia and his membership in some weird organization called Courage International.

 
 (Artists' Rendition)
 
 
Well, if anyone's free the last week of July, they're having a conference!
 
 COURAGE/ENCOURAGE CONFERENCE 2013
 A Spiritual Conference
 for Members and Friends of Courage and EnCourage
 
 
And you can tell that this conference is all about doing God's work here making the world a better place because it costs $375 per person to attend! (All profits go to the victims of the conference's organizers. Not really, screw those losers!)
 
Here's important fact number one to know about this conference:
 
This year's conference is dedicated to Benedict, Bishop Emeritus of Rome.            

Because who personifies "Courage" more than Benedict, a man who, when faced with the awful realization that priests under his command were committing atrocities against children, leapt bravely into the fray to help them cover up their crimes and place them in position to commit more!

And check out this morning schedule:

6:45 am – BENEDICTION
7:00 am – Spanish Mass (Homily in English)


Yes, a Spanish Mass presented in English, because that's what God speaks! Sure, there might be singing and whatnot in Spanish, because pandering to Hispanics is the new black for republicans. Well, not black, but whatever the Republican go-to fashion color would be in that analogy, but when it comes to actual theological teaching, either you learn to speak English or prepare to be deported to Hell, amigo!

But before you attend, be sure to recite the recommended prayer:

Lord Jesus, I consecrate my sexuality to you; 


 
No, thank you. . . really, I'm uh, I'm good!
 
 
 

. . . cleanse my mind, my memory, my imagination and
my dreams of all erotic content.


 

 
 
Yeah, that can't be done!
If Saint fuckin' Augustine couldn't pull that off, what chance do you think you have?
 
 
Grant me the gift of chastity, to bring my sexual
drive into subjection of your Holy Spirit dwelling within me
 
 
 
Buh-huh-huh-huh-huh!!!
 
 
Guard my weakness by your Holy Cross through
the intercession of your Mother Mary, my
guardian angel, Saint Charles Lwanga, and the
communion of saints. AMEN
 
Yeah, I didn't know who Charles Lwanga was either, so I looked him up. According to Wikipedia:
 
Saint Charles Lwanga (also known as Karoli Lwanga) (1860[1][2] or 1865–June 3, 1886) was a Ugandan Catholic catechist martyred for his faith and revered as a saint in the Catholic Church
 
Twelve Catholic boys and men and nine Anglicans were then burnt alive. The ire of the king was particularly inflamed against the Christians was because they refused to accede to demands to participate in sexual acts with him.[4] Charles Lwanga, in particular, had protected the pages from King Mwanga's sexual advances.[5]
 
Kind of ironic that protecting young boys from sex with a male authority figure used to be something the Catholic Church apparently saw as a positive.
 
 
Interstingly, Charles Lwanga and the other Catholics who accompanied him in death were canonized in 1964 by Pope Paul VI.[7] Although the Anglicans could not be canonized, they were named "with the others, also deserving mention" for enduring "death for the name of Christ".[8]
 
 Because apparently Pope Paul VI was a really petty little prick. The Anglicans do the exact same thing, but because they aren't officially Catholics, they're only eligible for honorable mention?
 
 
Congratulations, but you're still not welcome in Heaven!
 
 
So, if you're thinking of attending, be sure to get there by Thursday, so you won't miss the opening night keynote address:
 
7:30 pmOPENING KEYNOTE ADDRESS - Dr. J. Budziszewski, “Why Is There Sex?
 
Wow!