Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Ted Cruz gets coveted Y-w-h endorsemsnt



So this came across my Twitter feed today:



Ted Cruz’s Yiddish ad tells New York Jews he is God’s chosen candidate


http://49.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lp7r72190b1qapfvgo4_400.gif

Well of course he thinks he's the chosen one!
Yiddish advertisement run by the Cruz campaign touted the Texas Senator"s conservative bona fides and religious faith.
"Presidential candidate Ted Cruz is the first and only since President Reagan who believes that God is the one who decides who will be elected president of the US, which is why he is confident that he will be elected." 

Okay, first of all, I'm no linguist, but I'm pretty sure that's not Yiddish. 

But anyway. . . Ted, Bubbeleh,  what are you even talking about? God decides who will be the president? If God decides who gets to be President, where the fuck do you get off complaining about Barack Obama? According to you, Barack Obama was chosen by God  himself to be President of Gods' favorite country, where do you get the chutzpah to kvetch about his choice?

Also, Teddy, you meshuggah pischer,  if God is going to decide who wins, and you're confident that he's going to pick you, what are you working so hard for? Relax, have a nosh. Maybe take a schvitz. If God wants you to be president, you'll be president. Why put all this effort into wrangling delegates away from Trump? Just let God work his magic. You know, if you actually believe what your ad says. Or is it all just a bunch of shmontses?       

https://m.popkey.co/f62efd/WW7lq.gif 

Oy! Enough with the fake Yiddish already, you goyish shmegege! 
On my worst enemy, I shouldn't wish such a read as this post!



Friday, April 15, 2016

Goddammit, this is a weird freaking family!


Ted Cruz apparently has a thing for soup.

Bad soup.


http://whatsyourdeal.com/grocery-coupons/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Capture34.png

According to his weirdo wife Heidi:
When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.

 Campbell's Chunky? You couldn't at least get Progresso? I mean, it's still canned soup, but it's like the difference between Ragu and Prego. I mean even for canned soup, Campbell's Chunky is pretty low. Have you ever tried Snow's brand clam chowder? Now that's a pretty good canned soup. And it's a concentrate, which makes it more surprising. Also, I don't know if you can get Andersen's Pea Soup outside of California, but . . .

http://independenttravelcats.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Pea-soup-andersens-sign1-1024x829.jpg https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c1/Andersens_restaurant,_Buellton,_California.jpg/250px-Andersens_restaurant,_Buellton,_California.jpg

Anyway, we seem to have gotten a bit off-topic. Back to Heidi:

This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”


A "tough conversation?" "Don't buy an insane amount of crappy soup" is a tough conversation? A tough conversation is usually something along the lines of "I know you meant well, but I can't wear this whorish outfit you bought me for our anniversary" or "No way in Hell is your lunatic father moving in here!"
 

http://kube57.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/The-King-of-Queens.jpg
No, it would not be like that at all!

So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.

So this marriage is obviously getting off to a solid start. He goes behind your back to buy a survivalist's bunker's worth of bad soup, you go behind his back to return it. Trust is the foundation of a solid relationship!

Also, you're a professional woman. You have an MBA from Harvard. You had just finished working as as an economic policy director on the Bush for President campaign. And you're calling your mother up for Stepford housewife advice?


https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/f9/5f/65/f95f65a540e38a77b5df3711f10f0b44.jpg
I was Phi Beta Cappa!


And neither of you realized that your only two options are not 100 cans or zero? You couldn't say, let's get maybe a dozen at a time? It would be the easiest compromise you'd ever have to make. Although, I assume Ted probably would say "I get all 100 cans or so help me, I'll shut down the government!"


http://a57.foxnews.com/media2.foxnews.com/thumbnails/i/092413/780/438/Cruz_EggsHam_Insider_0.jpg


And I will read this children's book cover to cover! 
And you will sit there and listen to every word!


Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Stupid People Saying Stupid Things

Stupid person number one: Bill O'Relliy

Discussing Trump’s poor showing with black voters and his attempts to appeal to that demographic, O’Reilly let loose :
BILL O’REILLY: But how are you going to get jobs for them? Many of them are ill-educated and have tattoos on their foreheads, and I hate to be generalized about it, but it’s true. If you look at all the educational statistics, how are you going to get jobs for people who aren’t qualified for jobs?

You know, putting aside for the moment that Bill O'Reilly is a huge racist, what the fuck is he even talking about? I've seen a lot of people in my time - black, white, Asian, Hispanic, etc. and I'm pretty sure that I have never seen a black guy with a forehead tattoo. I don't think even Dennis Rodman ever had one. I've seen plenty of white guys with tattoos all over their faces, but never a black guy.

But maybe that's just me. So I Googled "forehead tattoo" and looked at the images.



Image result for forehead tattoo
Image result for forehead tattoo
Image result for forehead tattoo
Image result for forehead tattoo
Image result for forehead tattoo





You have to scroll through about 50 scary-looking white guys before you finally come to this fellow

http://www.vladtv.com/images/size_fs/video_image-416935.jpg
who for some reason felt the need to have a brand of shoes tattooed on his noggin.

And there are a couple of other black guys, but it's mostly dudes who look like this:

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/05/0d/9e/050d9e19bab00f0f9c98d4ee100b7226.jpg

And, granted, those guys are going to have a tough time finding jobs in the non-criminal sector of our economy, but who the hell thinks that forehead tattoo is some kind of a black guy stereotype?


Stupid person number two: Rep. Mark Walker

North Carolina Congressman: Bruce Springsteen Is a "Bully" for Canceling Concert

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8kcoiZzDy1r5o8sz.gif



How? How is Bruce Springsteen being a bully?

A U.S. congressman who represents portions of Greensboro, N.C., is accusing Bruce Springsteen of being a "bully," after the rock star canceled a concert there to protest a new law that's being described as anti-gay.
"It's disappointing he's not following through on his commitments," said Rep. Mark Walker, a Republican freshman congressman.

http://i.imgur.com/pzIug.gif


Yes. that's what bullies do. they fail to follow through on their commitments. That's why everyone hates and fears them.



"Bruce is known to be on the radical left," continued Walker, "and he's got every right to be so, but I consider this a bully tactic. It's like when a kid gets upset and says he's going to take his ball and go home."


 Um, I think you're confusing being a bully with being a crybaby? Bullies don't take their ball and go home. They take YOUR ball and go home. And your lunch money.
 Taking your ball and going home is a response to being bullied, it's not bullying.

 Okay, so you just lost Bruce Springsteen. Care to look on the bright side, Congressman?

"We've got other artists coming soon — Def Leppard, Justin Bieber," the congressman told The Hollywood Reporter.

http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/03/Laughing-GIF.gif?gs=a 
 Ahahahaha! Def Leppard!


 http://images.heartzies.com/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=3859&g2_serialNumber=1
 Ahahahahaha!! Justin Bieber!



 "I've never been a Bieber fan, but I might have to go. Maybe artists who weren't 'born to run' deserve a little bit more support," he said, referencing one of Springsteen's most famous songs.

You know what? Go. Go to a Justin Bieber show. Sitting through a Justin Bieber performance seems like an adequate punishment. Not for your anti-LGBT laws, but for that hacky "Born to Run" reference.



Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Bad News, Ladies.





Christian Author Mack Major Says Female Masturbation Is ‘Direct Path To Satan’


Too many Christian women are losing their salvation because they masturbate. Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals. It's one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods.





http://37.media.tumblr.com/62b7401a6903c8627edebb9d00007ad6/tumblr_mjzrd4J65F1qhum9po7_250.gif

Uh oh!
Masturbation is a direct path to Satan. There's nothing normal about it. And shame on any Christian that says so.

Many of you who are reading this have sex toys in your possession right now.


Looking at you, readers of the Daily Irritant, you naughty sex piggies!

And whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life. 

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and not accept that as fact. Mainly because it is very silly and has no basis in any kind of reality and also doesn't really make a lot of sense.


http://entrecruzados.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/ghost-videos-550x300.jpg

 And because this would make a lousy sex toy.

“There are such things as sex demons. And the danger in masturbating is that one could inadvertently summon a sex demon to attach itself to you through the act of masturbating.

Okay, so let me see if I got this straight.
Demons are fallen angels whom God has sentenced to an eternity in Hell. They are trapped in the lake of fire for all eternity. Unless someone masturbates. That's the loophole. 

 https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/bb/94/45/bb944576aa0be6041859023f06696ce4.jpg 
Every time a vibrator buzzes, a demon gets his wings!



 I bet God wishes he'd set the sentencing guidelines a bit more carefully.

http://nlife.ca/sermons/Gospel/repent/images/cartoon-god.jpg


 Now we'll be safe from the demons. I mean, unless someone touches her ladybusiness. 
But who would ever do that?


Sex is God's chosen method for bringing into physical existence His own children. But Satan very cleverly determined that sex could also be used to empower demonic entities via human sexual activity. And it's been his chosen method above all others to deceive and destroy humans.

Wow! So much to unpack from this short paragraph. First of all, it sounds like you're saying that Satan really outsmarted God on the whole sex thing. Also, "physical existence?" Does that mean that before our parents made us we existed in some otherwordly dimension? Like we were souls floating around waiting for our parents to make bodies for us to live in? I'm no fancy big-city theologian, but that doesn't really seem biblically sound.
Also, saying that sex is used via human sexual activity? That's like saying that bacon is used via bacon. Mmmmm, bacon. . . .

“Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals,” he wrote. “It’s one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods.”

Really? well, according to Satan_supplies.com, your one-stop shop for satan-worship supplies (I'm not even kidding) other items used in satanic rituals include pendulums, bells and incense, so I guess I should avoid grandfather clocks, kitchen timers, and hippies?



Also, it's really odd that this whole summoning demons thing seems only to apply to female masturbation. Demons just aren't interested in dudes jacking it? It's only when a woman uses a dildo that they. . . actually, yeah, I can see that. Demons are probably all hetero males.



And speaking of dildos and vibrators. . .

http://previews.123rf.com/images/modestil/modestil1203/modestil120300011/12770417-Pink-Dildos-Stock-Photo-dildo-vibrator-sex.jpg
Holy fuck, look at these monsters!
This is pretty much exhibit A for why you should never use the word "pussy" to refer to someone who is weak or not tough or wimpy or whatever. Banging these things is what "pussies" do for FUN! These things are terrifying!
You know what's weak and not tough and can't take the slightest hit? Testicles. If you want to call someone weak, you should call him a testicle.

Read more about the connection between sex. masturbation and demons here: https://www.edendecoded.com/blog-2/item/lust
and
https://www.facebook.com/edendecoded/?fref=nf 

It's worth a few minutes of your time!


http://i.imgur.com/Y88sPTY.gif?noredirect

Monday, April 11, 2016

Grover Norquist is smart, knows stuff.


Grover Norquist is apparently still around, because I guess no one has had the sense of irony to drown him in a bathtub, but not only is he still around, there is a once-prestigious newspaper that sees fit to publish his idiotic masturbation fantasies


Image result for washington post

These six new voting blocs won’t want Hillary Clinton in the White House




There are new voting blocks? What combination of activity and family member haven't we already come up with? Billiard Dads? Carpentry Moms? Shuffleboard Uncles?


Democrats have approached the 2016 presidential election with great confidence, arguing that changing demographics will guarantee them victory.

Actually, it's Republicans' willingness to nominate Trump or Cruz that gives Democrats great confidence.

By this, they mean the growing number of African Americans, Hispanics and Asian Americans expected to vote in November.

Even in print, you can hear his disapproving tone of voice.

However, other dramatic changes in the electorate over the past 30 years give Republican candidates an advantage. 

You mean the 30 years that FOX has been brainwashing the conservative portion of the electorate? Because I'm pretty sure that's the only change that could possibly favor Republicans.

  Hillary Clinton, the likely Democratic nominee, has insulted — and telegraphed her plans to damage the issues important to — these groups of Americans. Clinton began her political life in the late 1970s, and her understanding of who votes and why predates the emergence of these voting constituencies — in some cases by decades.


Yes. That's it exactly. She began her career in the 1970's and therefore is unaware of any societal changes that have taken place since 1979. For instance, she has no idea that America has finally gotten to the point where a black man could win the race for President. Or that most Americans are now totally fine with gay marriage.

 http://45.media.tumblr.com/1f09a9e26a79d92aea2c2805d6438556/tumblr_nuh7kzcC971rgddu0o1_400.gif
 Is this the groovy new dance step that the hepcats are all doing in the discotheques?

So, okay. Let's hear what these new voting blocks are supposed to be.


 Home-schoolers: Thirty years ago, home schooling was illegal in almost every state. Today, all 50 states allow home schooling, and about 2 million children — nearly 4 percent of K-12 students — are home-schooled.

 Okay, 2 million homeschooled children, figure about an average of two parents for every 19 kids. . .

http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnnnext/dam/assets/150522094331-01-duggar-family-super-169.jpg 
And counting!

That's a total of about. . . one hundred thousand voting-age adults. Half of whom are women, half of whom are not allowed to vote, or drive, or wear pants, or leave the kitchen. . . Yeah, that's a hell of a powerful voting block there! I see why you'd want to lead with that one!

 Charter school supporters: There are nearly 3 million students in public charter schools, an educational choice not available before 1992. Clinton has been endorsed by teachers unions, which see as a top priority bringing unionized teachers and work rules into public charter classrooms, destroying the very educational environment that parents of charter school students fought to win for their children.
 Really? I wasn't sure what Ms Clkinton's views are on charter schools (or what they will be next week - ZING!) so I Googled "Hillary Clinton + Charter Schools" and found these interesting tidbits:

Charter School Champion Hates Bernie Sanders, Prefers Hillary Clinton


And
Already, she is being pulled in opposite directions on education. The pressure is from not only the teachers who supported her once and are widely expected to back her again, but also from a group of wealthy and influential Democratic financiers who staunchly support many of the same policies — charter schools and changes to teacher tenure and testing — that the teachers’ unions have resisted throughout President Obama’s two terms in office.
 And
 
Another major Democratic donor, Eli Broad, refused requests for contributions from another friendly super PAC, and only changed his mind after personal reassurances from former President Bill Clinton and campaign chairman John Podesta that Mrs. Clinton will support charter schools.
…
He said he was reassured after conversations with Messrs. Clinton and Podesta that Mrs. Clinton would in fact support charter schools, and he said he believes she will support teacher-accountability measures. He said he now expects to financially support her campaign.
“I think when push gets to shove, she’ll be more like Bill Clinton and perhaps [Obama Education Secretary] Arne Duncan than we think right now,” he said.
So I'm not sure that the charter school folks are going to line up all that solidly against her. What else you got?

Concealed-carry permit holders:


 Say no more. Gun nuts won't vote for Hillary Clinton, I'll give you that. But gun nuts have never voted for anyone with the slightest whiff of progressivism about him/her, so this is hardly a new development.

 Fracking workers: It has historically been an easy decision for Democrats to insult and belittle the oil and gas industry. Energy workers lived in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana and Alaska — unlikely states for a Democratic presidential candidate to win. But the emergence of fracking has opened up oil and gas exploration in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Colorado. 

Okay, let's say that people with jobs in the fracking industry will all vote against Hillary Clinton (or Bernie Sanders, this race ain't over yet). Seems like they might be offset by the block of voters whose drinking water is now flammable, or whose cows are getting sick and dying, or who suddenly have to worry about earthquakes. Seems like a wash at best.

Users of e-cigarettes and vapor products:

Oh, fer. . . no. Vapers? Vapers are a voting block? Ugh. Let's not even bother with this one.

http://media.tumblr.com/fc18989ae822867d00db519c2b9340a4/tumblr_inline_mi32zuHWHh1qz4rgp.gif


Uber drivers and others in the sharing economy: There was no Uber before 2009. Today, there are 400,000 Uber drivers who take at least four trips a month. 

So people who need to chauffeur  a bunch of drunk strangers home from bars to supplement their income are going to vote Republican?
Sure, they might.

https://media.giphy.com/media/UclCYTnzD25b2/giphy.gif


 Clinton watched her husband run for the presidency and win in 1992 and 1996. But that was before vaping, fracking, Uber, concealed-carry, charter schools and home schooling became prevalent in the United States.
 Yeah, it was also before Republicans had to choose between an arrogant fascistic game-show host and a Canadian theocrat whose own colleagues hate him.


https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/1d/54/ef/1d54ef415ccadc9b0ee5eaabe6060d50.jpg



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