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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Health Care

While trying to make the case for keeping Guantanamo Bay open as a detention center, Republican Sen. John Ensign said of the detainees, “They get better health care than the average American citizen does.”

The sad thing is, he may be right.

Imagine if we ran other vital services the way we ran healthcare. I think it might go a little something like this. . . .(picture gets wavy). . . (dream sequence harp music). . . .

OPERATOR: 911, What's your emergency?

CALLER: Someone's breaking into my house!

OPERATOR: May I have your account number please?

CALLER: Look, I need the police!

OPERATOR: And I'll be happy to assist you today, sir, but I am going to need your account number.

CALLER: Oh, God! It's um, 54A-65293

OPERATOR: Great now how can I help you?

CALLER: I need the police! Someone's breaking into my house!

OPERATOR: Ok, I'll be happy to send an officer out to you. How do you want to take care of the co-pay today?

CALLER: Can't you just bill me?

OPERATOR: Sure, we can do that. Let me just verify your address.

CALLER: 1705 Maple Drive.

OPERATOR: Okay, got it. Now is the intruder armed?

CALLER: I don't know!

OPERATOR: Okay, I'm going to need you to find out, because if an armed response is required, I'll have to check your policy and see if we can cover that today. Normally, for an armed response, there is a 20% deductible.

CALLER: Hurry, he's in my house! And he has a gun!

OPERATOR: Great, so that clears up that question. Now since he is carrying a firearm, that's going to require a 2-officer response. Let me see who we have in the area. Officer Jenkins, no he's not taking any new referrals. Seargeant Thomas, not without a referral from a primary patrolman. See, the problem is that there just aren't a lot of officers we can use with your basic policy.

CALLER: Never mind, I've already been sodomized and murdered.

AND SCENE!

Let's have a nice round of applause for the not-ready-for-single-payer players!

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