A vampire walks into a bar.
The bartender thinks to himself, "wait a minute, there's no such things as vampires!"
Then he realizes that it's just some guy in a vampire costume.
Mike Johnson, from across the street.
Oh, hey, come on in, Mike!
A lady opens her refrigerator and is surprised to see a chicken sitting inside.
"What are you doing in my refrigerator?" asks the lady.
The chicken says nothing.
The lady cooks it and eats it.
A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
They each order a beer.
The bartender asks "who's paying?"
"This one's on me," says the priest.
And then the rabbi says "I'll get the next round!"
Q: If there are three women in a room, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, how can you tell which is the blonde?
A: By her hair color.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says "a beer? I figured you'd order the drink that's named after you!"
"No," says the grasshopper, "I prefer the taste of beer."
A man comes home from work to find his wife in bed with his best friend.
"Dammit, Linda!" he says, "I'm filing for a divorce!"
Thank you! I'll be here all week!