New Rules for Olympics

After seeing the Russian ice dancers' take on Aboriginal folk dancing, it's clear something has to be done.

"At times, Shabalin led Domnina around by her ponytail. They mugged, stuck out their tongues and mimicked the hand over mouth gesture that was once associated with American Indians."
(Yahoo News)

And it's not like they were just somehow unaware that this was going to be offensive:

When the Russian pair did the Aboriginal dance at the European Championships in January, they drew criticism from Aboriginal leaders who found the dance and costumes offensive. Domnina and Shabalin toned down their costumes and removed their face paint, but made no changes to their Aboriginal dance.

And why do this at all? Because the ice dancing officials decided that this year's theme for the original dance was to be "folk dancing." Now one might think that the Russian pair might choose a Russian folk dance, but no. So apparently it falls to me to make new rules for future Olympians.

Rule #1: No ice dancer may ape any culture other than their own. That should have gone without saying, but apparently not, because the American pair saw "Slumdog Millionaire" and figure they knew a little something about the culture and traditions of India.



Rule #2: If you have a son and a daughter who are both into ice dancing or figure skating, you are required to make them choose other partners, because this:

is just un-fucking-acceptable.

It is not possible for John Kerr to be gay enough to make titty-humping his sister acceptable.
I won't have it.

Rule #3: Biatholon will no longer be ski, stop, shoot, ski, stop, shoot. Participants will now be required to shoot while skiing. Preferably with a gun in each hand like a John Woo Movie.



Rule #4: Ski jumpers need to do something while they are in the air. Ski jumping is insanely dangerous, but the ski jumpers make it look so easy it seems kinda boring. You're up in the air for like five fucking minutes, do a trick. Or shoot something. I don't know, do something to make us appreciate your skill.





Rule #5: During individual figure skating, all skaters are on the ice at the same time. They should be knocking each other over like Battling Tops.



If it's good enough for short track, it's good enough for figure skating.