Four Things I Missed in the Last Few Days

1. Eric Cantor pulls into the lead for biggest asshole in the Congress.

“When a family is struck with tragedy — like the family of Joplin … let’s say if they had $10,000 set aside to do something else with, to buy a new car … and then they were struck with a sick member of the family or something, and needed to take that money to apply it to that, that’s what they would do, because families don’t have unlimited money. And, really, neither does the federal government,” Mr. Cantor said.

So if you want to help out the folks whose homes were destroyed, that spending has to be offset with cuts somewhere else. Okay, that might make sense in a horrible way, I guess. But it makes a little less sense when you consider that Cantor never demanded offsets for the Bush Tax Cuts, the Iraq War, the Medicare prescription drug boondoggle, or any of the other crap that added to the defecit over the last 10 years. But helping disaster victims, well that frivolous expenditure will have to be offset. What an asshole. Almost as big an asshole as. . .

2. Mayor Jack Scott, mayor of Cordova, AL who won't allow FEMA trailers in his town.

 

(Artist's Rendition)

 Ala. town hit by tornadoes bans FEMA trailers

By JAY REEVES, Associated Press Jay Reeves, Associated Press – Sun May 29, 7:40 pm ET



CORDOVA, Ala. – James Ruston's house was knocked off its foundation by tornadoes that barreled through town last month and is still uninhabitable. He thought help had finally arrived when a truck pulled up to his property with a mobile home from the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

Then he got the call: Single-wide mobile homes, like the FEMA one, are illegal in the city of Cordova.

Obviously, this is just a formality, and there will be a waiver issued right away, because. . .wait, really?

Scott has heard all the complaints, and he isn't apologizing. He said he doesn't want run-down mobile homes parked all over town years from now.


"I don't feel guilty," he said. "I can look anyone in the eye.

Jeezus, you know it's Alabama, right? Show me a town in Alabama that doesn't have run-down mobile homes parked all over town.

Residents whose homes were destroyed assumed they would be able to live in one of the hundreds of long, skinny mobile homes that FEMA is providing as temporary housing for tornado victims. After all, the Cordova Police Department, a pharmacy, a bank and City Hall all have moved into similar trailers since the storm.


But the city enacted a law three years ago that bans the type of mobile homes provided by FEMA, called single-wide trailers. Older single-wide mobile homes were grandfathered in under the law and double-wide mobile homes are still allowed, Scott said, but new single-wides aren't allowed and a tornado isn't any reason to change the law, even temporarily.

 
Actually, that is exactly a reason to change the law. Which, honestly is a dick law to begin with. How do you have a law banning single-wide trailers? A law that basically says "there's a limit to how poor you're allowed to be in this town. The people who can afford a double-wide are the absolute limit of poorness we're going to allow. We don't want any of those single-wide white trash in our town!"
And it's apparently OK for a bank or a pharmacy or City Hall to move into one of these trailers, it's just people who aren't allowed this kind of relief. What a fucking scumbag! At least as big a scumbag as. . .


3. Pat Boone, who had this to say about Paul Ryan's plan to end Medicare:

Our country needs leadership over politics.  On behalf of the 60 Plus Association, I commend those individuals who have voted for and continue to support the Medicare-saving reforms proposed by Rep. Ryan.

Of course, calling the end-Medicare plan "Medicare-Saving Reforms" is a completely blatant attempt to  misrepresent, mislead and misinform, or am I misunderstanding something here?

“Harry Reid and his cohorts are not fooling seniors with the ‘Medi- scare‘ tactics. Rep. Ryan’s budget will not end Medicare. Instead, it will preserve the offerings of this program for our children and grandchildren. When they controlled Washington, Democrats, led by President Obama, failed to address the solvency issue of Medicare. And they’re still refusing to address the issue. Their ’solution’ is to wait for others to propose a plan – and then misrepresent and attack it.

 Ooooh, Oh I see. It's the people pointing out your lies who are the real liars. Got it.

 This senior isn’t going to take it. I’m going to lace up my white shoes and spread the news far and wide that this administration is trying to mislead and scare seniors.

Ha! remember how I used to wear those white shoes? Boy, those were the days, huh? I used to make a living turning rock and roll songs into acceptable white music! Wasn't that awsome!

No, no it wasn't. You were a sorry prick then and you're a sorry prick now. You would almost be the sorriest prick in the world of showbiz this week it it weren't for. . .

4. Peter Fonda, who was apparently envious of all the negative publicity sister Jane has gotten over the years.

  

Well, my skin is certainly crawling!

Cannes 2011: Peter Fonda encourages his grandchildren to take up arms against President Barack Obama

Peter Fonda, the star of Easy Rider, says he is training his grandchildren to use rifles for a conflict with President Barack Obama.

 

Gee, now that peace sign feels a little insincere!

Peter Fonda, the star of Easy Rider, suggested to Mandrake that he was encouraging his grandchildren to shoot President Barack Obama.

“I’m training my grandchildren to use long-range rifles,” said the actor, 71. “For what purpose? Well, I’m not going to say the words 'Barack Obama’, but …”

Holy God! Isn't illegal to threaten to shoot the president? And isn't it even illegaler to train your own squad of assassins? Isn't this worse than whatever it is Jane did?

Okay, no. This is worse.

He added, enigmatically: “It’s more of a thought process than an actuality, but we are heading for a major conflict between the haves and the have nots. I came here many years ago with a biker movie and we stopped a war. Now, it’s about starting the world.

Yes. That's exactly what happened. You and Dennis Hopper made a dumb movie about motorcycle-riding drug traffickers and the Vietnam War ended. Yes, Easy Rider, that was really the deciding factor.

 

This ended the Iran Hostage Crisis!

"I sent an email to President Obama saying, 'You are a f(expletive) traitor,' using those words... 'You're a traitor, you allowed foreign boots on our soil telling our military -- in this case the coastguard -- what they can and could not do, and telling us, the citizens of the United States, what we could or could not do'."

Ah, I see. So you are also insane as well as being a huge asshole. Good to know.

I swear to God, If I Hear One More Freakin Word About Oprah Winfrey, I'm going to Snap!

I'm sure Oprah is a good person. I've heard she does a lot of nice things for people. I know she built a school and all that. I have nothing personally against Oprah Winfrey. But dear God, it's just a talk show. Why are we acting like Oprah retiring her silly fluff-TV show is some sort of national tragedy?

On the way home from work, I caught a bit of the Randi Rhodes show (not really a fan, but it's nice to have a progressive voice on the air in Atlanta) and I had to turn the station. She spent two segments getting verklempt over Oprah and how much she means to people and on and on. She actually said that when people ask why she believes in God, she answers "Oprah." And I don't think she was joking.

 

 

I don't think she was joking because she also said, and I'm probably paraphrasing a little here, but she also said "If Oprah isn't God, God definitely works through her." 

God. Seen here working in mysterious ways.

And here's the thing about Oprah. Before she became the queen of afternoon fluff, she ushered in an era of trash TV from which the industry has yet to recover. Before Oprah came along, there was Phil Donahue. And Phil Donahue and his guests and audience would talk about the things which in those days were known as "issues." Oprah took Phil's format, dragged it down to the local carnival and put it to work in the sideshow.

 

Instead of discussing issues, Oprah's show was about trannies and fetishes and extra-marital affiars.

 

And freaks. Lots and lots of freaks.

Soon, there came Geraldo Rivera  

And Jenny Jones

  

And Sally Jesse Raphael

and Maury Povich 

 

and Montel Williams

And on and on until you get to Jerry Springer, then Tyra Banks, and even Wendy Williams.

None of that is possible without Oprah Winfrey paving the way. 

In fact, you could arguably draw a straight line from Oprah to Snooki.

Also, she gave us these folks:

 

 

 

So, please, let's not act like Oprah is some sort of national treasure. Again, I'm sure she's a very nice person who does many nice things. I have nothing against her personally, but for fuck's sake, it's just a dumb fucking talk show.

Sarah Palin Buys a Home in Hell's Waiting Room

Scottsdale, Arizona. A place where the damned congregate to acclimate themselves to the brutal heat and desolation which they will be facing for the next eternity.

Now Sarah Palin has purchased a home walled compound in this barren wasteland.

Seriously. This is it.

For some reason, people are taking this as a sign that she is seriously going to run for president. I can't see it. She wasn't willing to put in the work to be a halfway-decent vice-presidential candidate, I can't see her doing the exhausting work of a presidential campaign. Also, I can't really picture her giving speeches for which she is not paid.

So why would she purchase a $1.6 million home in Arizona, of all places?

 

Here are a few possibilities I thought of:

# 1: She bought a $1.6 million dollar walled-in compound to get away from all those darned elitists.

      'Cuz she's jes' plain folks!

#  2: Living in a walled-in compound in the middle of a god-forsaken desert is a great way to meet some of    those hot Navy Seals. (Reason #1 for Todd Palin)

 

# 3: Needs concrete walls to feel safe from Katie Couric.

# 4:Because it's all about Alaska. And Family. And America. But mostly her love for Alaska. And it's sad that you just don't get that.

# 5:  Because the Constitution, the Founding Fathers, God, America, Reagan.

# 6: Lots of room for free-range Mama Grizzlies.

# 7: To be closer to Bristol, because someone's gotta lug Trig around when the cameras are off!

# 8: Because living in Alaska was one more thing she could quit.

# 9: Going to live in all 50 states alphabetically.

# 10: Alaska no longer insane enough.

 

Another Conservative Victim

Patricia Heaton Says Her Politics Have Cost Her Possible Roles

Really? Because I seem to remember something about a TV show. . .

Heaton stars in the ABC hit sitcom, “The Middle,”

Yeah. That's the one.
Also, there was "Back to You," with fellow discriminated-against-conservative actor Kelsey Grammer.

So, since the end of "Raymond," you've been given lead roles in 2 prime-time sitcoms. Compare that to your co-stars Ray Romano (1),  Brad Garrett (1) and Doris Roberts (0). Although, really if anyone has reason to complain about his post-Raymond acting career, it's Peter Boyle.

Too soon?

The 'The Middle' actress - who is best known for playing Ray Romano's wife in 'Everybody Loves Raymond' - explained her conservative views on topics that include abortion and stem cells have led to her not being considered for certain acting roles.
She told website PopEater: "We know for a fact there are some people who have said they wouldn't want to work with us because of our politics."

Yes, that's it. That's why you haven't gotten more roles. Usually, movie studios are lined up to throw starring roles at 52-year-old sitcom actresses.

Especially when they're aging so gracefully!

Yikes!

She added: "My feeling is all these things come from God and as long as I know I'm staying in line with him, I don't have to worry if there is backlash.
"God will open any doors he wants to open and if he closes doors that's fine too."

Yes, if your acting career falters, blame God. Why not? God, conspiring with the godless heathens who run Hollywood. Sure, that's reasonable.

Are your children too young to be misinformed by FOX News?

Sure, FOX is great for misinforming adults, but they use a lot of big words that kids might not understand, like "deficit," "apocalypse" and "Santorum." Fortunately, Mike Huckabee has the answer.

New, From Mike Huckabee!

Give Your Kids An Exciting Way To Learn
The Facts About American History

With Learn Our History and The Time Travel Academy, your kids gain an understanding of important concepts and how those concepts play a role in our everyday lives. From understanding the role of government and taxes to national security, democracy and more, your children will learn to appreciate what it means to be an American and how fortunate they are to live in the the home of the brave and the land of the free!

No, really. This is totally serious.

At Learn Our History, our mission is simple. 

We're dedicated to celebrating America's contributions to the world and making it fun for kids to learn our history.

It's widely accepted that kids learn best through experience.  But, unfortunately, the only way kids are experiencing history today is by having it force-fed to them through dry text books, monotonous lectures and boring lessons.  On top of that, our children's classes and learning materials are often filled with misrepresentations, including historical inaccuracies, personal biases and political correctness.

See, according to Mike Huckabee, the problem with today's history teachers is that they inject their own political biases into their lessons. These videos will totally not do that. They will inject Mike Huckabee's political biases instead. Just like the founding fathers intended!

Learn Our History aims to promote the learning of America's history and the celebration of our great country by telling the stories of our shared past.

Because that's what history, real history, is all about. It's not supposed to be an objective analysis of the events of the past. It's supposed to be about how awesome America is and how that is due largely to Ronald Reagan!

• 

  The Reagan Revolution

  The time traveling teens go back to see the lives of their parents and grandparents to explore the problems of America in the 1970s and how one great President was able to make a huge impact.

Each Time Travel Academy film utilizes history that is carefully documented through a three-step process.

 First, our lead researcher goes through various primary and secondary sources, including printed and online resources to determine the most important events and themes that will be included in each episode.  

Okay, let me stop you fight there. If your "lead researcher" doesn[t already know what the most important events in US history are, then I gotta think that he's not much of a researcher. Probably not what you'd call an "historian."

Those events and themes are then woven into a script in which the animated characters experience the history first-hand.  After its completion, the script is reviewed by at least two members of Learn Our History's Council of Masters, who suggest changes to make the film as historically accurate as possible. 

Council of Masters? What kind of cult are you running here?  Do you know what you get when you google "Council of Masters?" These guys:
 

We work hard to make each Time Travel Academy film as accurate as possible, often using direct quotations from historical figures.  However, given that the Time Travel Academy is an animated children's series about a fictitious group of time travelers, we sometimes make slight modifications to the presentation of historical events

Yes, we make them as accurate as possible, but we change shit to fit in with the fictional story. That's just how responsible historians do things. Isn't that right, Leopold Von Ranke?

 

  Ich spreche kein Englisch 

 

Our current Council of Masters is listed below.

• Professor Larry Schweikart, Author of A Patriot’s History of the United States, #1 on the New York Times Non-Profit Paperback Best Seller List, and Professor at the University of Dayton
• Professor Daniel Mahoney, Chairman of the Political Science department at Assumption College
• Dr. Alan Corlew, an experienced high school and middle school history teacher with 20 years experience; he served as Head of School at Orchard Hills Academy and Principal at Harvest Academy
• Andrew Howell, a high school history teacher at Spring Creek Academy and the Founder of Howell Academy, a private instructional organization

Assumption College? Harvest Academy? Well, why didn't you say so? With those kind of credentials, you gotta have confidence in the Council of Masters! If I knew you had actual high school teachers on the council, well, that just puts all doubts to rest!

Australian Tobacco Companies Have Some Freakin' Balls

The Australian government recently unveiled plans to make all cigarette packages look the same, with the brand name written in simple block type. Naturally, the cigarette companies are not happy about this. So they are resorting to blackmail.

Tobacco Companies Fight New Regulations By Threatening To Slash Prices

British and American Tobacco Australia (BATA) have threatened to slash the price of a packet of cigarettes, if the government implements its plain packaging policy. BATA laid down the gauntlet when its representatives said that more people would end up smoking if cigarette packaging is whitewashed. 

This is what BATA Australian chief executive David Crow had to say:

"Could (the price of) cigarettes halve over time? In the longer term, potentially yes," he added, saying the cheap prices "basically means more people will smoke, more kids will smoke"."It's going to backfire and go bad and lead to more people smoking, which is just mad if you're sitting at a government desk," he told the Melbourne Herald Sun.

Wow. If you make us change our packaging, we're going to get your kids to start smoking. That is just an unbelievably blatant threat. I thought American companies were shameless.

Headlines that could have been written in advance.

1.   Obama speech riles GOP   

No kidding? Really? Something Obama said has the GOP's panties in a bunch?

He could give a speech about how much he loves Sarah Palin and they'd be upset that he gave Bachmann short shrift. They're always going to find a way to be angry with anything he says or does or doesn't do, or neglects to say. This is what they do.

Stupidest Quote of the Week

We have three finalists for the title stupidest quote of the week. First up, giant-headed boob Newt Gingrich:

Gingrich: 'Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood'

Now that's a stupid quote! I guess the takeaway is that you might as well make up whatever crazy shit you want about Newt Gingrich, since quoting him directly is considered a "falsehood." So, here goes:

Newt Gingrich is made entirely of cow dung. He was built in a lab by Benito Mussolini and Jack the Ripper. His first notable achievement was the invention of bestiality. However, he is best known for having created the television program "Jersey Shore."
Most of that should be considered falsehoods, but you never know. Some of it might be true. But I doubt it.

Our second nominee is loathsome worm Rick Santorum:

 

 

Oh, sorry Jerry!

 

Here's Rick Santorum:

 

Rick Santorum says John McCain doesn't know what he's talking about when it comes to torture

Also, why does ESPN have Steve Young commenting on football? What the hell does he know about football?

HUGH HEWITT: Now your former colleague, John McCain, said look, there’s no record, there’s no evidence here that these methods actually led to the capture or the killing of bin Laden. Do you disagree with that? Or do you think he’s got an argument?
RICK SANTORUM: I don’t, everything I’ve read shows that we would not have gotten this information as to who this man was if it had not been gotten information from people who were subject to enhanced interrogation. And so this idea that we didn’t ask that question while Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was being waterboarded, he doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works.

Now there are a lot of things John McCain doesn't understand, like where the e-mails come from, or why the grandkids don't call more often, or why the hell it always has to be so goddamned cold in here? But torture? John McCain has actually been tortured. He has been subjected to "enhanced interrogation."  He knows exactly how it works, you stupid, ignorant little creep.

Third up: Kirk Cameron:

Heavens No! Kirk Cameron Attacks Stephen Hawking for Godless Views

""To say anything negative about Stephen Hawking is like bullying a blind man. He has an unfair disadvantage, and that gives him a free pass on some of his absurd ideas.

 No, it's not at all like bullying a blind man. Having a fistfight with Stephen Hawking would be like bullying a blind man. Having a battle of wits with Stephen Hawking is like bullying Andre the Giant.

 

In that, the bullyer may soon find himself the bullyee!

 

 

Professor Hawking is heralded as 'the genius of Britain,' yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life," the former TV star tells E! News.

Scientific impossibility? Oh, Mike Seaver is going to tell us what is scientifically impossible? 

I'm sorry, from which University did you receive your PhD, Kirk?

"Why should anyone believe Mr. Hawking's writings if he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came?" Cameron queried.

Oh, I don't know, maybe because his IQ of 160? Maybe because he has spent his entire life studying this sort of thing? Maybe because he is a scientist and not a mediocre sitcom actor?

I can't decide which quote is stupidest. I'm going to tentatively call it a three-way tie, unless anyone wants to weigh in.

Scott Walker is an Even Bigger Scumbag than I Thought

Gov. Walker: No hospital visitation for gay couples

Gov. Scott Walker wants Wisconsin to abandon legal defense of a new state law that gives same-sex couples the right to visit partners who are hospitalized.

Seriously?  No hospital visits? What is even the point of that? How does a guy visiting another guy in the hospital affect anyone else?

A Democratic-controlled Legislature, in 2009, approved a new law in which same-sex couples can sign domestic partnership registries with county clerks “to secure some — but not all — of the rights afforded married couples,” the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported.

Of course, even that is too much for some pricks. As long as any gay people anywhere have any rights at all, the prick brigade will be there to fight against them.

The law has been challenged by an anti-gay rights group, Wisconsin Family Action, saying the visitation privileges violate an amendment to the state constitution that bans same-sex marriages or similar legal agreements.

Wisconsin Family Action. That would be these asses:





Here's the mission statement from Wisconsin Family Action's website. See if you can spot the irony!

We take seriously our mission of advancing Judeo-Christian principles and values in Wisconsin by strengthening and preserving marriage, family, life and liberty.

Yes, liberty. The answer we were looking for was "liberty." They will fight tirelessly to preserve liberty, except for the liberty of certain people to marry certain other people or even visit them at the fucking hospital!  Or liberty for women to control their own uteri. But other than that, give them liberty of give them death!

This is what has this group of scumbags up in arms:

The registries allow same-sex couples to take family and medical leave to care for a seriously ill partner, make end-of-life decisions and have hospital visitation rights. But according to Fair Wisconsin, they still confer only about a quarter of the rights associated with marriage, lacking provisions to allow couples to file joint tax returns or adopt children together.

So, if a person is in the hospital, seriously ill, facing death, Walker and the Family Action Dick Brigade feel that it is of the utmost importance to deny that person the comfort of the person they love most in the world if that person is of the same gender. Because, why, exactly? What's the point? Do they really think that Bob visiting Jim in the hospital is really a threat to boy-girl marriage? Really? They can't possibly be that insane, can they?

I think that maybe they really believe that if you make life difficult enough for the gay people, they will eventually give up and stop being gay. Or maybe that if they aren't senselessly cruel enough to the gay people, being gay will just seem so attractive an option that breeders will defect in droves?

Callista Gingrich!

According to Peteykins, mentioning Callista Gingrich is a good way to increase traffic to one's blog. I was planning on just typing "Callista Gingrich, Callista Gingrich" over and over like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, but then I saw this:

Gingriches owed as much as $500k to Tiffany's

WASHINGTON (AP) - Republican presidential contender Newt Gingrich's family at one point owed as much as a half million dollars to luxury jeweler Tiffany's.
Financial disclosures filed by Callista Gingrich show she or her husband also owed as much as $50,000 to American Express. Callista Gingrich, who worked as an aide in the U.S. House until 2007, was required to disclose debts of more than $10,000 and the rules allow reporting of a broad range of figures.

Oh, so I see Callista and Newt are not only strong representatives of Republican Family Values, but also paragons of Fiscal responsibility. 

Although, I suppose what with Newtie being out of work for so long, it must be difficult to pay the bills.

The most recent report on file from 2006 says the couple had 

between $1 and $2.5 million in assets. 

Oh. never mind.

  

Jeezus Christ! Don't look her in the eye!

On a related note, Callista Gingrich, Callista Gingrich, Callista Gingrich!!!

For more Callista Gingrich, visit Cafe' Chaos, where we'll be talking about Callista Gingrich.

Which Paul is Worse?

We already know which Paul was the best. It was Les.



There will never be a better Paul.

But which Paul is the worst? That's open for debate. Let's start with the newest Paul, young Rand.

Rand Paul says people who support universal healthcare 'believe in slavery'

 

 Ooh. Sprinting out to an early lead!

"With regard to the idea of whether you have a right to healthcare, you have to realize what that implies. It’s not an abstraction. I’m a physician.

Yeah, for starters, you're really not a physician. You're not certified by any recognized medical board. In fact, you considered the certification process so unfair (requiring doctors to know stuff! The very idea!) that you created your own made-up certification board to certify yourself. But do go on.

I’m a physician. That means you have a right to come to my house and conscript me," Paul said recently in a Senate subcommittee hearing.

"It means you believe in slavery. It means that you’re going to enslave not only me, but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses," Paul said, adding that there is "an implied use of force."

So, if there are more people who can afford your dubious services, meaning more people who potentially might come to your office and pay you money to do whatever it is you do, that's like conscription? How do you not see that this would be to your advantage?
MORE CUSTOMERS = MORE MONEY.
It's a pretty simple equation.
I think you don't really get what the word "slavery" means. It means someone forcing you to work against your will for no pay. It looks like this:

 

Or, for some people, like this:

                 

but that's none of my business.

What you're talking about, universal health care, looks like this:

 

See the difference?

"If I’m a physician in your community and you say you have a right to healthcare, you have a right to beat down my door with the police, escort me away and force me to take care of you? That’s ultimately what the right to free healthcare would be," Paul said.

Also, the police would themselves be slaves since everyone is entitled to their protection. Sure, they signed up for the job, receive a salary and are free to quit at any time, but still. SLAVERY!

Really, I'd say you're more of a slave now, since every citizen of Kentucky is entitled to be represented by you. Maybe "entitled" isn't the right word, since I can't believe most of them are any too happy about that. Still, though, every citizen of Kentucky has a right to your representational services, so by your logic, that makes you a slave! Now fetch me a mint julep, slave!

Usually, when a wingnut makes this sort of outlandish claim, you can figure out where the germ of the idea came from. You can usually figure out what fact they are misinterpreting or distorting, but this? I have no idea where this comes from.

This is going to be hard to beat. May we have the next Paul please?

 

Oh, no. No. I'm not touching that one.You are disqualified, sir.

Next!

 

Ah, Ok. Here we go. It's Texas Congressman Ron Paul, the original Paultard!

I've always had a certain grudging respect for Ron Paul, even though I think he's wrong about pretty much everything. I mean, even when he's right, like opposing the Iraq War, he's right for the wrong reason. But I like the fact that he seems like one of the few political figures who is really sincere in his beliefs, and really says what he means, not what he thinks his audience wants to hear. Anyway, I always thought he was more nutty than awful. Then I read a few quotes from his newsletter.

(via the Houston Chronicle)

""Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5 percent of blacks have sensible political opinions, i.e. support the free market, individual liberty and the end of welfare and affirmative action," 

""Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the `criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal," 

 "(Carjacking) is the hip-hop thing to do among urban youth who play unsuspecting whites like pianos. The youth simply walk up to a car they like, pull a gun, tell the family to get out, steal their jewelry and wallets, and take the car to wreck. Such actions have ballooned in the recent months.

"In the old days, average people could avoid such youth by staying out of bad neighborhoods. Empowered by media, police, and political complicity, however, the youth now roam everywhere looking for cars to steal and people to rob.

"What can you do? More and more Americans are carrying a gun in the car. An ex-cop I know advises that if you have to use a gun on a youth, you should leave the scene immediately, disposing of the wiped off gun as soon as possible. Such a gun cannot, of course, be registered to you, but one bought privately (through the classifieds, for example).

"I frankly don't know what to make of such advice, but even in my little town of Lake Jackson, Texas, I've urged everyone in my family to know how to use a gun in self defense. For the animals are coming."

 

Okay, that's it. No more calls, we have a winner.

Holy Shit!

Crazy Candidate of the Day

Oh, my God! This is so ridiculous, it looks like a Saturday Night Live parody. Except funny.



I don't know where to begin with this ad. Maybe the lady screaming "I'm Korean!!!!" for no apparent reason? Or maybe the candidate reassuring her that being Korean isn't necessarily a bad thing, heck even my wife is Korean!

Could a political ad possibly get any worse?
Haha, of course it could!



I don't know what's the most ridiculous part of this. Maybe it's the worst trash-talking of all time? "Oh yeah? well my dad's a lawyer!" Is that supposed to psych him out? You're supposed to say something like "you can't beat me, you got no game, don't bring that weak shit in here," or something, I don't know, basketball-related?
And "gets shit done" is pretty much the job description of every unemployed baby-daddy on Judge Judy. What do you do for a living? Oh, you know, I do my thing. I get shit done. So, sure, vote for me for Congress!

And when did Patty Duke go insane?



Thank God they cut away before the big gross foursome started. Unfortunately, they didn't cut away before Patty Duke made a bunch of old-lady-pooping-her-pants noises.

The End Is Upon Us! Oh, wait. False alarm!

From Yahoo News:

Searching for Judgment Day

We've seen a 200 percent jump in searches on Yahoo! for "May 21st." Searches are also spiking for "the rapture," "end of the world," and "Harold Camping." 

Oh, my God, really? Tell me that doesn't mean people are taking this guy seriously.

Seriously, that's really him. That's really what he looks like.

 So, apparently there's some super-secret hidden code in the Bible and THIS GUY. . .

. . . has cracked it.

This guy is the only one who has figured out this super-secret code written by the Almighty himself. This guy.

So, it seems like one of two possible scenarios is taking place here.

Either a) God has this super-important message about the end of the world that he wants his children to know, but for some reason, he hid it in some elaborate code that makes the Enigma Machine look amateurish.

Or b) God hid this message in super-secret code because he DIDN'T want people to know about it, but haha! He hadn't counted on Harold Camping!

 

 

Camping said he pinned down May 21 as doomsday using clues and prophesies he found in the Bible. "It is absolutely going to happen without any question at all," Camping said in an interview. But if you look at his track record, you may not be so convinced. Camping previously predicted judgment day would be in September 1994. 

 

Wow! And from what I gather, there are still people who believe this nut.

You know, at least the Mayans were on to something. At least their doomsday prediction was based on something. Whether or not it has any significance, our sun will be at the exact center of the Milky Way on Dec. 21, 2012.

Mmmm, right in with all the delicious nougat!

Will this cause the world to end? Probably not. But there is some speculation that the gravitational pull of the sun and the other stars and what-not could theoretically cause the poles to shift, which could cause other bad things to happen. I assume this is highly unlikely, but at least it's something.At least the Mayans studied Astronomy and figured out patterns which allowed them to predict a cosmic event which could maybe be significant. It's better than finding some super-secret hidden code in an English translation of a book written in Ancient Hebrew.