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Monday, July 25, 2011

My problem with the new Planet of the Apes trailer

Well, two problems reaaly. My first problem is that they are making another Planet of the Apes movie. Didn't they already make more than enough of these silly movies in the 1970's?

 

Apparently, Monkey Lovin' was considered acceptable back then?

 And haven't they already done the obligatory "gritty reboot?"



 



And didn't we all laugh at it then? So why in the world would they think to make a new version with a completely different origin story with the "unintended consequences of science" theme popularized by Mary Shelley?


 

Why we can't have stem-cell research, because this might happen.


 


But, since the movie industry has developed a crippling fear of anything original, I guesss I shouldn't be too terribly surprised. They made a Miami Vice movie, for God'sake. And an A-Team movie. And Two Charlies' Angels movies!

But here's my main problem with the new Planet of the Apes trailer:




Okay, I get that the chimps are super-smart. And I get that they are seriously pissed off, and rightly so. And there are a lot of them, and they're very strong. But what the filmmakers seem to have forgotten is that people have guns. If a bunch of angry monkeys started tipping over cars on the Golden Gate Bridge, how long do you think it would take for the SFPD to mow them all down? Okay, maybe the SFPD isn't our best defense, but eventually, these damn dirty apes are going to wind up in East Palo Alto or Richmond, and they're going to run into these muthafukkas:

 

Or they'll wander into Oakland and run smack into these sob's:

 

Either way, there's gonna be a whole bunch of dead monkeys pretty quick.

Granted, these monkeys are pretty scary.

 

But how are they going to beat a species who have this:

 

And this:

 

And this:



I just don't see how you could make a Planet of the Apes movie that's so unrealistic!


Now this is more like it:






2 comments:

Abu Scooter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Abu Scooter said...

And if the apes attack on the day of a Raiders home game, well, they'll be asking those gangs to rescue them.

This may look like a remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, but I imagine these marketing geniuses are saving that title for the sequel where the Planet of the Apes is attacked by the Predators. Or Chucky.