Micheal Jordan is a Dick!

What the hell happened to Jordan? He used to be the King of Basketball, now he's the King of Acting Like a Big Jerk! (Zing!)

He's getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, this should be one of the proudest, most satisfying moments of his life, but he's up on stage taking cheap shots at everybody. Pathetic!

Here's a crap bomb he lobbed at former GM Jerry Krause:

"Jerry's not here," he said. "I don't know who'd invite him. I didn't. I hope he understands it goes a long way. He's a very competitive person. I was a very competitive person. He said organizations win championships. I said, 'I didn't see organizations playing with the flu in Utah. I didn't see it playing with a bad ankle.'

Look, dude, we already know how great you were. You don't need this. It's like you think people don't realize your impact on the game. If your basketball abilities were being disparaged, I could see where you might bring up the "Oh, I was playing with the flu, or I was playing on a bad ankle," but this is the night you're being recognized as possibly the greatest player of all time. Totally weak.

...he flew his old high school teammate, Leroy Smith, to Springfield for the induction. Remember, Smith was the upperclassman his coach, Pop Herring, kept on varsity over him as a high school sophomore. He waggled to the old coach, “I wanted to make sure you understood: You made a mistake, dude.”

Wow, insulting the old coach and humiliating a former teammate, what a two-fer!
I can imagine poor Leroy Smith being all excited, "hey, Micheal invited me to the induction ceremony! Wow, I didn't think he'd even remember me!" Then sitting in the audience and hearing that cheap shot. "Oh, he only invited me to point out how much I suck in comparison to him."
Yeah, Mike, you were MVP like what, 5, 6 times? Everyone sucks compared to you. We don't need to be reminded, and Leroy Smith did not need to be singled out for comparison to your awesomeness. And I'm sure Pop Herring had better things to do than fly to Springfield to be insulted.

Jordan remembered scoring around 20 points in a row late in a game to pull out a win, which was followed by a conversation with Bulls assistant Tex Winter.

“Tex reminded me that there’s no ‘I’ in team,” Jordan said. “And I looked back at Tex, I said, ‘There’s ‘I’ in win.’ So whichever way you want it.”

see, that's the sort of thing that you should look back at and cringe, and think, "God, I was such a cocky young punk back then," not trot out as a witty bon mot 30 years later. Look let's let John Stockton show you how to be gracious in triumph:

“I thought they’d figure me out pretty quickly. I thought the Jazz would figure out that they’d made a mistake, so first paycheck I saved every cent,” Stockton said. “I was pretty sure I was a one-year-and-out guy.”

Notice how he didn't take cheap shots at anyone? Neither did David Robinson, Jerry Sloan, or anyone else but you. Micheal Jordan, you're a dick!

And for my money, Oscar Robertson was the greatest player ever.

This Is Your Headliner?

Today I received an e-mail from Tony Perkins. Naturally, i thought it was Psycho, Fear Strikes Out Tony Perkins, so I eagerly opened it.
And this, THIS! is what I saw!

Former Miss CA Carrie Prejean Confirmed for Next Week's Summit--Register Today!

Who the fuck would think that Airhead McSilicone would be a big draw?

Even Billy Bush can barely disguise his contempt!

Maybe because the roster of speakers at this little "summit" runs the gamut from the merely douchey

To the Batshit insane.
To the blatantly corrupt

Seriously, check out the lineup of dullards, dolts, dunces and dimwits who will be filling the rostrum at this convocation.

Confirmed* and Invited Speakers for 2009

• 

  Bill O'Reilly
  Host, The O'Reilly Factor

• 

  Gov. Sarah Palin
  Governor of Alaska

• (someone needs to tell the organizers of Stupidpalooza that Palin is no longer Governor)
  

• 

  Phyllis Schlafly
  Founder, Eagle Forum

• (Someone needs to tell the organizers that Phyllis is no longer among the living)

• 

  Sean Hannity
  The Sean Hannity Show

• (in Sean's defense, he has been invited but has yet to accept)

• 

  Rep. Michele Bachmann
  U.S. House of Representatives

• 

  Rep. John Boehner
  Congressman (OH)

• 
  
• 

  Amy Kremer
  National Coordinator, Tea Party Patriots

• (that would be the National Coordinator of the totally spontaneous, grass-roots tea party demonstrations)

• 

  Bill Bennett
  Host, Morning in America

• (If they can drag him out of the casino)

• 

  Stephen Baldwin
  Actor

And so on. . . .

So, if that's your lineup, then yeah, maybe Former Miss California Carrie "huh?" Prejean would be your big draw.

So what is the point of this meeting of the minds?

Let's look at some of the "sessions" planned for the Value Voters Summit.

TRUE TOLERANCE: COUNTERING THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS

OK, so anti-gay hatred, that's predictable.

OBAMACARE: RATIONING YOUR LIFE AWAY

Anti-healthcare fear-mongering, that's to be expected.

MARRIAGE: WHY IT'S WORTH DEFENDING AND HOW REDEFINING IT THREATENS RELIGIOUS LIBERTY

Hatred of the gay people AND paranoid fear-mongering together in one session? Well, that'll save time!

GLOBAL WARMING HYSTERIA: THE NEW FACE OF THE "PRO-DEATH" AGENDA.

Okay, I get the anti-science thing, but "pro-death"? What the fuck?

SPEECHLESS - SILENCING THE CHRISTIANS

Paranoia. Portraying Christians as a persecuted minority, it's almost cliche at this point.

THUGOCRACY - FIGHTING THE VAST LEFT WING CONSPIRACY

Good old fashioned conspiracy theory!

DEFUNDING PLANNED PARENTHOOD

Just being assholes.

THE NEW MASCULINITY

I'll bet you Ten Dollars that's going to be creepy as fuck.

But here's my personal favorite:

5:00 - 5:30 p.m.

Book Signing - Diplomat Foyer

• Stephen Baldwin

Yeah, Steven Baldwin. I think how this works is you just bring Steven any book and he signs it. Look it's my Steven Baldwin autographed copy of Interview With The Vampire!

Who's Stupider?

Contestant Number One: Mark Kirk



Mark comes to us from Champaign Illinois, where he is a member of the State Bar Association, the Republican Main Street Partnership, and something called, I swear to God, the Federation of Galaxy Explorers.

No fooling.

So what did Congressman Kirk have to say about the President's speech?





Rep. Mark Kirk (R-Ill.), who is running for Obama's old Senate seat, said, "He talked at us. He didn't listen to us."

Yes, Mark "captain" Kirk doesn't understand the difference between a speech and a conversation. Most people know that when giving a speech, the speaker generally does the talking and the audience does the listening, but much like Joe Wilson, mark Kirk just doesn't seem able to grasp that distinction.



Contestant Number Two: Lindsey Graham




Lindsey hails from Central, South Carolina where he enjoys having a girl's name and being suspected of homosexual tendancies. He is a member of The Committee to Elect Lindsey Graham.

So, Lindsey tell us what you had to say following the President's speech.





"I was incredibly disappointed in the tone of his speech,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.).”At times, I found his tone to be overly combative and believe he behaved in a manner beneath the dignity of the office.

That's right, Lindsey Lohan, oops! I mean Graham, felt that someone was behaving in a less than diginified manner.

Not Shouty McGee


















Not the paper-wavers.















Not even Louis "hand lettered sign" Gohmert.

(seriously, the fucking tea-baggers have more professional signs than Gohmert)












No, according to Lindsey Davenport, I mean Graham, it was president Obama acting undignified.

So it looks like we have a tie. We'll have to have some sort of a tie-breaker to determine who goes on to face returning champion Michele "I can't even spell Michelle correctly" Bachmann.

Hey, Look!

Look how cute my baby is! I bet you humans wish your babies were this fucking cute, huh? Well, eat your hearts out, stupid humans!

It's Just So Predictable

It happens with such regularity that it barely even qualifies as news anymore. The more a politician talks about "family values," the more you can assume that he can't keep it in his pants.

This time, it's California Assemblyman
Mike Duval (R [of course]-Yorba Linda)
According to the Orange County register, "he has received a 100 percent rating for his “family values” voting record from the Capitol Resource Institute, an anti-gay lobbying group based in Sacramento."
So it should come as no surprise that the married Mr. Duval was caught on tape bragging about his TWO MISTRESSES. And using R-Rated language to boot.

WARNING: Audio is NSFW






If you don't want to play the audio, here's a little excerpt:

“She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday — a lot! And so she’ll, she’s all, ‘I am going up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me!’ So messy! … So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, ‘I know you like spanking me.’ I said, ‘Yeah! Because you’re such a bad girl!’