World Cupdate (see what I did there?)

Thoughts on watching USA v. England

1) Yoo Ess Ay!! You Ess Ay!! You Es---dang, that was quick!

2) Hey, soccer fans: enough with the horns already! It's like watching a game in the middle of a swarm of giant locusts. You enjoy making noise? Who doesn't? But let me offer you some alternatives A) Hand Clapping B) shouting "Huzzah!" C) Whistling D) chanting mindless slogans like USA!! USA!!

3) Note to announcers: You don't have to keep explaining what a terrible play Rob Green made in goal. We may not have your level of soccer expertise here on this side of the pond, but Helen Keller could tell what a bad play that was. That was the worst play since "RENT." (zing!)

4) American soccer fans: High-fiving and fist-pumping after a game ends in a tie is weak. I know the US was a heavy underdog in this match and a tie was a better result than anyone expected, but try to have some dignity. It's a tie. It's better than a loss, obviously, but celebrating a tie is pretty weenie.

Who's Got Ideas For Dealing With The Oil Spill?

Me 'n' my buddies'll line up on the beach, an' if that oil gets within 20 yards of shore, we'll blow its fuckin' head off!






Let's just move the oil to a different body of water and then let's never speak of it again!

Let's burn it off! That would be frickin awesome! God, I am so wasted!

Well, my cat-bucket idea sure isn't working!

I didn't factor in the goose element.

I could block the oil with a Wall of Sound!







Has anyone tried gettin' a bunch a naked chicks to roll around in it?

I'm just saying, it couldn't hurt!

Unleash the Robot Army!

There is no oil spill! It's all a giant hoax perpetrated by the television!







Just tell that oil to go back to where the hell it came from!



I'm working on a new invention that should solve the problem once and for all.
I just need a giant, floating head. Preferably a thirsty giant floating head.



Yes, this could work!

Market it to children?
Say it's educational.

Wrap it up in pastry!

Mazola, dude. Mazola.

Why some people should just stay off of the Twitter

Hey, John McCain is on the Twittering machine. And he's using this new form of media to communicate important information to his constituents about. . . haha, no. He's just straight up chattin' with Snookie.

For anyone who has been spared the knowledge of her existence, Snookie is one of these:

Another one of these is nicknamed "The Situation" which makes McCain's line about tax and stuff really clever and funny! See, it's funny because he used "The Situation" which is a person who is on the same show as the Snookie, but he used it in a different context, which is so, you know what, I don't have time to explain comedy to you people. Trust me, other comics appreciated that line. I'm sure Lewis Black is wishing he'd thought of that one.

So, I think a pretty good indication that you are no longer qualified to hold a position of responsibility is the use of the phrase "You're Right, Snookie!" Unless Snookie has just said that cows say moo, or that airplanes fly in the sky. In any other context, that phrase just doesn't make sense.

Oh My Stars! He Said the A Word!

This is Becky Quick.

She is the host of some show nobody watches on some cable network nobody watches that runs in the early morning when nobody is paying attention.

The show is called "Squawk Box," and it is on CNBC. I know, I never heard of it either.

But anyway, Becky has opinions about things that people say. Especially when they are said on another TV show on at the same time as hers. (only with viewers) Here's her take on President Obama telling Matt Lauer that he would like to know whose ass to kick, or something like that:

"If you’re the pres­i­dent of the United States and you go on the Today Show which is a morn­ing show, where you’re going to have a lot of kids sit­ting around watch­ing this, I think you choose your words more care­fully,” said Quick. “Using the A word when you are on the Today Show talk­ing with Matt Lauer, yeah, that dis­turbs me.

Seriously? You think a lot of kids are sitting around watching the Today Show? I have an adult attention span and I can't sit through more than a couple minutes of that fluffy drivel pretending to be news. You know there are shows for kids on at that hour, right? You think a large number of kids are just deciding, "fuck Elmo, I'd like to hear what the president has to say on the subject of the Gulf oils spill. Ooh, I hope Matt Lauer holds his feet to the fire! I, as a five year old, would really appreciate that kind of tough journalism. Oh, but I sure do hope no one says 'ass.' Why, I'm not planning on hearing that kind of talk until I'm old enough to join the Merchant Marines."

Really, what kids are watching the Today Show with their Lucky Charms?

Okay, I'll give you that one, but trust me, she's not going to be traumatized by hearing the word "ass."

Honest to God, Becky, do you have any idea what kind of shit kids watch and listen to every day? Even if some kids were sitting down to watch Matt Lauer interview the president, do you really think the word "ass" is going to upset them?



Really, you gotta have bigger things to worry about.

You Might Not Be A Member of the Public

I may have mentioned before that Neal Boortz is a world-class jackass.

If not, let me take this opportunity to point out that Neal Boortz is a world-class jackass. Also an impertinent gasbag. And a dick.

He's the main promoter of the "Fair Tax" scam, despite having no training or background in economics or finance. He wsas a real estate agent, I believe, before going into radio.

So Neal says a lot, a whole hell of a lot, of stupid stuff. But this one, printed in a recent edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, caught my eye:

Years ago I stopped using the ridiculous name “public schools.” These hideous institutions are owned, operated and staffed by government. They’re government schools, not public schools.

Yeah. Okay.
So, apparently, if you are employed by the public school system, you are "government" and not a member of the "public."

I have to assume that the same principle applies to police officers, firefighters, members of the military, postal employees, and transit workers. None of you are considered members of society, so relax! Societal obligations no longer apply to you!

Neal continues :

I bring this up because there is now a movement in Washington — a Democrat-driven movement, of course — to pass yet another bailout bill. This will be a bailout of the pension plans of what they’re calling “public sector unions.” These are government employee unions. The word “public” is being used because the average myrmidon will mutter to themselves: “Public! Why that’s us! They’re doing something for the public!” Nonsense, they’re doing something for themselves.

Yeah, I didn't know what the fuck a "Myrmidon" was either. According to Wikipedia,
The Myrmidons are people of ancient Greek mythology. They are very brave and skilled warriors as described in Homer's Iliad, and are commanded by Achilles. So I have no idea what sort of point he's trying to make other than maybe "look at me, I know big words!"

Does Neal really not understand what the term "public sector" means? I doubt it. I don't think he got to where he is by being that stupid. I think he's just purposely being misleading because he hates the idea of there being a public sector, and wants his readers to share his hate.

Public sector employees provide valuable services like law enforcement, parks maintenance, air traffic control, etc. etc. and they get paid with money that comes from the public in the form, mainly of taxes. Neal can't stand this. So to him, anyone employed by the public sector is some sort of government leech who is somehow not a member of our society. And if you can demonize public sector employees as being part of the hated government, then it's easy to say "fuck them, let their pensions disappear, what the hell have they ever done for us?" As though "they" and "us" are two separate groups.

Screw this guy, he's "Government!" Why should he get to retire comfortably?

To hell with this "government" guy. He's not one of us!

And people really listen to this guy. His radio garbage-fest is syndicated all over. Sometimes I just don't know whether to laugh or cry. Or punch that jackass Neal Boortz right in the weiner.