Defending the indefensible: Palin vs. Whoopi

Here's Palin being stupid and spouting gibberish in defense of the teabaggers on stupid Sean Hannity's stupid show of stupidness:



And yeah, she uses the word "refudiate," which is of course, not an actual word, but that's not even the stupidest part. Claiming that teabaggers don't tolerate racism is like sying that my car doesn't tolerate gasoline. Of course, nobody's saying that ALL the teabaggers are racist,I'm sure some of them are just baboon-ass insane in non-racist ways. Some of them just can't distinguish between small steps toward healthcare reform and Nazi Germany, but when you see people with signs like this:







And no one is objecting, well, that's pretty much the dictionary definition of "tolerating racism."

Oh, and here's a lovely "tweet" from the Springboro Tea Party leader:

Nope, nothing racist there!

And what is this "beautiful movement, full of diverse people, diverse backgrounds" she talks about? The teabaggers are about the least diverse group I've ever seen, and what the fuck is so "beautiful" about a bunch of angry fat people screaming about Nazis and Communists and Tyranny? What beauty do you see in that?

What beautiful threats of gun violence those are!

Aah, so beautiful! And just look at the diversity!

Oh, wait. No, there he is! There's our "diverse" guy!

And it's interesting that the racism isn't what's divisive, it's the NAACP pointing out the racism that's divisive.

And this is just gibberish: "So to be called a racist, yes, those over there on the left who are opposing that good message of Tea Party Americans are using this racism accusation in order to keep people away from not only the movement, but keeping them — keeping a wall built between what the message actually is and the American public that is today receiving that message very well."
And Tea Party Americans is not an ethnic group. It's like calling me a baseball American, or a blogger American. It's just stupid. Almost as stupid as sticking up for Mel Gibson.

But no one could possibly be sticking up for crazy Mel right about now, right?



Oh, Jeezus!

Seriously? Mel's not a racist because he's nice to your face? You've never met someone who's insincerely pleasant? I smile and converse pleasantly with people I can't stand every day. It's called having a job. Just because I listen to "Bob" prattle on about his impressions of next year's NBA teams without screaming at him to shut the hell up and try doing some goddamned work for a change you lazy piece of crap, doesn't mean that I actually like that loser. And Mel's an actor. He can fake nice better than most.
And you know about drunks, right? You know that they say stupid shit when they're drunk, right? But do you really think that Mel has no problem with Jewish folks, it's just the alcohol talking. He doesn't really know what they're saying? Don't be ridiculous! What alcohol does is lower your inhibitions so that you say out loud what you normally have enough sense to only think. If Mel's sober, he says "Oh, I'm sorry, Officer, was I speeding?" but he's still thinking "Bloody Jew! You people are responsible for all the wars in the world." He's still an anti-Semite, he just has enough sense to keep it under his white hood--I mean under his hat!
And then after all that about how drunks say things they don't mean, you say "I don't think he was drunk." So, according to your theory, he really meant the "pack of N---ers" comment. So how is he not a racist?
Claiming that Mel Gibson is not a racist is like claiming that Roman Polanski didn't rape a 13-year-old girl.



Ooohhh, right! That's strike 2, Whoopi.



Oh, yeah! I forgot about that! Steeeeerike Three! Yer out, Whoopi! Please never speak publicly again.

Voyage of the Damned

The National Review is hosting a cruise!
Usually, cruises are fun, but this cruise is, shall we say, unusual?
They have a whole bunch of Speakers!
Here's your headliner:

Karl Rove



But wait, there's more!

Phyllis Schlafly
(apparently still alive, but I wouldn't bet money on it. This has "weekend at Bernie's"
written all over it)

Jonah Goldberg


Bernie Goldberg
(apparently, Lucianne Goldberg was unavailable)


Andrew Breitbart

And the list goes on. Now, it's gonna set you back a few thou for this sneak preview of Hell, but I think I can approximate the experience here for free. Here goes:

Hi, welcome aboard Satan's Shit-boat Cruise Lines. I see you'll be sharing a stateroom with Charles Manson. What? No, not that Charles Manson! Boy, he gets that a lot. No, don't worry, this isn't Charles Manson the murderer. This is Charles Manson the pack of incontinent howler monkeys with boundary issues.

So, here's your itinerary, we'll be making stops at Razor-sand Beach, Syphilis Bay, and the Island of Inappropriate Stepfathers. Oh, and of course, Fire Island. Gay? No, not that Fire Island! This is an Island that is actually on fire. You'll go ashore and spend the night there.

We also make a short visit to the Men's room of the Minneapolis Airport, where you'll meet our special guest. (he's a Senator!) Then on to Sodomy Creek, The River Styx, the Sea of Despair, and the Jersey Shore.

Oh, and you'll love our activities! There's being locked in a closet, Eric Massa's special massages, and watching MTV!
No, we don't have swimming with dolphins, but we do offer having your limbs fed to Orcas. Oh, it's wonderful. Those magnificent creatures really put on a show!

And don't forget to check out our all-you-can-eat bread and water buffet!

Crazy Candidate of the Day -- Incumbent edition

It's Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC) with her crackpot theory about Mexican Hezbollahs or something:



So, let me see if I got this straight, Hezbollah doesn't have enough to do in Syria, so they're going to Venezuela, learning Spanish, then sneaking in to the US to do evil deeds. And they think that if they are stopped by Border Patrol, the smart thing to say is "I'm Mexican!" Oh, you're Mexican? Sorry to bother you senor! Go right on ahead. Here I was worried that you might be one of those Syrians who keep sneaking into San Diego. No, we Border Patrol types welcome Mexicans!

Also, you need to be trained in linguistics to be able to distinguish between Arabic and Spanish? Really? I guess if you think all them foreign languages sound perty much alike to you, and all them sorta brownish people look the same, then you might have trouble telling the difference between a Middle Eastern terrorist and a Mexican migrant.

Also, whenever someone begins with "when you start putting the pieces together. . ." you can just go ahead and tune them out, because what's coming next is going to be a giant crock of craziness.

Chuck Norris Dildo Update

Let's check in with Chuck Norris and see if he's still a dildo.

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White House vs. Boy Scouts, Part 1

Well, he's still writing for WingNut daily, so he's probably still a dildo, but let's check his column just in case

(Editor's note: This is Part 1 of a three-part series on the White House and the Boy Scouts. In Parts 2 and 3, Norris will not only give further proof concerning how the Obama administration is creating an arm's-length relationship with the BSA, but show how President Obama's advocacy of the BSA compares to the past 100 years of U.S. presidents.)

because, you know, who cares about healthcare or Afghanistan, the true measure of a chief executive is his relations with the Boy Scouts of America!

Over the past months, a widely circulated e-mail has reported that President Obama is not signing Eagle Scout certificates, which only 4 to 5 percent of Boy Scouts attain. Categorically, Internet watchdog sites like Snopes.com and TruthOrFiction.com have classified the claims as "hogwash." But I have found a steady stream of White House whitewashing when it comes to the Boy Scouts of America.

Snopes and TruthOrFiction have labeled this claim hogwash, but that doesn't fit with my central thesis, so they can be dismissed out of hand.

"No Eagle recognition letters have been received this year from the president," said Richard Meyers, who attained his Eagle rank in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency and is now assistant scoutmaster for troop 162 in Arlington County, Va.

And if you are the Assistant Scoutmaster for Troop 162, you know everything that has happened throughout the entire BSA organization this year. Nothing happens without the okay of assistant scoutmaster for troop 162!

So why the tardiness? The BSA says the primary reason was due to an administrative delay authorizing the president's signature – something they say occurs every time there's a change in the presidency.

Okay, that clears it up. If you're a normal person. I'm going to go ahead and guess, though that it doesn't clear things up for Chuck.

Fascinating how I don't recall any "administrative delay" with the host of presidential signatures on a wide variety of issues and legislation from Obamacare, further stem-cell research, additional federal liberties for abortions or increasing the U.S. debt to bailout banks, the car industry, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, etc.

Yes, because the presidential signature on major legislation is exactly the same as signing certificates proving that Jimmy put up with inappropriate contact from scoutmaster bob all the way through high school. Also, the banks were bailed out during the Bush Administration, and abortion has been legal in this country since 1973, but whatever.

Obama became the honorary president of the BSA way back on March 3, 2009 – an event that was done almost completely in secret in the Oval Office. Since President William Howard Taft in 1910, U.S. presidents have proudly fulfilled the position of honorary president of the BSA. But neither the honor nor event was highlighted in any official White House communication. Nothing said at the March 3 White House briefing. Nothing noted anywhere on the White House official website.

Gosh, why would Obama soft-pedal his association with the Boy Scouts? Well, I think I'll let you answer this one yourself, Chuck.

To be frank, I think Obama's delay in signing Eagle Scout certificates has more to do with White House political correctness and establishing an arm's-length relationship with the BSA than it has to do with any simple "administrative delay," especially when a series of lawsuits have been levied against the BSA because of its stand against atheists, agnostics and homosexuals.

Oh, right. Maybe he wasn't real super-proud to be the honorary president of an organization with an official policy of homophobia and religious intolerance.

No Gays Allowed!

On the other hand, on that single day of March 3, 2009, the White House considered all the rest of the following events as newsworthy enough to post on its official website: . . . "Remarks of the president to commemorate the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior."
Yet, not a peep mentioned about the president's acceptance of BSA's honorary presidency. Could it be the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior ranked of higher importance than Obama's acceptance of the BSA's position in its 100th year of celebration?

How could a major Department of the Federal Government be more important than a bunch of boys in neckercheifs going camping?

For years, I've signed and sent out hundreds of Eagle Scout recognition letters. And I've personally known a host of Boy Scouts, Eagle Scouts and other Boy Scout leadership.

Okay, that's creepy. What the hell are you doing hanging out with Boy Scouts? And if you're signing these letters, I could see where the President wouldn't want to put himself on the level of a washed-up B-movie actor who's taken a bunch of blows to the head.

A Joke told to me by my friends' 5-year-old daughter

Adorable 5-year-old: Why did the chicken throw butter out of the window?

Me: Um, I don't know?

Adorable 5-year-old: Because he wanted to catch a painting!

Me: Fuck, dude! You just blew my mind!

Adorable 5-year-old: It's really more of a Zen Koan than a traditional riddle.

Me: No, yeah, I get it. I totally get it. It's like surrealist humor.

Adorable 5-year-old: Yeah, I'm glad you caught that. It was kind of a hat tip to Andre' Breton.

Me: I saw it as more of an audio tribute to Marcel Duchamp.

Adorable 5-year-old: I don't know who that is. I'm only five!

Okay, some of that was embellished, but that really was the riddle she told me. And it did have a sort of quasi-Zen feel to it.