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I don't get it. Why would anyone want to be shitty to Santa? This is a man who does nothing but try to bring a little happiness to the children of the world. He just gives and gives and asks nothing in return. Why would you want to engage in petty one-upsmanship with a man who has dedicated his entire life to making people happy? He is the most selfless individual on the planet. Her makes Mother Theressa look like Ayn Rand. And yes, he has imprisoned hundreds of elves and forces them to work in his factories, but everyone knows elves are assholes.

So you're going to stand there with that smug, smarmy expression and talk shit to Santa? You're going to relegate him to the role of dog-gift-giver? Fuck you, lady! How dare you? Santa has more class and decency in his little finger than you could ever dream of having in your entire body. I hope you get coal every year for the rest of your life, you miserable witch.

Bachmann May have a point

Michele Bachmann Demands Apology From NBC, Says Michelle Obama Would Have Gotten One

True, she would've. On the other hand, they probably wouldn't have played "Lyin'Ass Bitch" for michelle Obama's walk-on music, which seems fair, considering that she has never claimed that Jimmy Carter caused the swine flu outbreak of 1976 or that vaccinations make you retarded. (based on the extensive research conducted by the Lady I Met in the Parking Lot Institute.)

But surely, the Roots could have made a better choice of songs. Let's see, just off the top of my head. . .

Tebow Time and Other Similar Times

 

 Tebow Time!

Tivo Time!

Devo Time!

Peabo Time!

 

T-Bone Time!

 

Cee-Lo Time!

 

Kneebone Time!

Asshole of the Year

The current front-runner for this year's asshole of the year award is the former CEO of AIG,  Maurice "Hank" Greenberg.

If an asshole had an asshole, that asshole would look at Greenberg and think "Jeez, what an asshole!"

Ex-AIG CEO Suing U.S. for $25 Billion

• By Joe Coscarelli
• 
  Former AIG chief Maurice “Hank” Greenberg's current company has filed lawsuits accusing the government of taking valuable assets from AIG's shareholders without their consent or fair compensation.
  (Scott Eells, Bloomberg / November 10, 2011)
    
• The suits accuse the government of taking valuable assets from AIG's shareholders without their consent or fair compensation, in exchange for the government's 80% stake in the company. The suit says the government's actions violate parts of the 5th Amendment.

Could there be a more perfect representative of the 1%? I drove my company into the ground so fucking hard that it threatened to take down the whole economy. It was so bad that you little tax-paying peons had to bail me out. Now I'm going to sue because I didn't get paid enough for my criminal mismanagement!

Beware of Turkeys!!!

 

1. Sacrificed to Allah? Do Muslims even do animal sacrifice?  And if they do, would they really say "this turkey I sacrifice to you, oh great Allah. J/K, LOL! we're going to sell it to an infidel for Thanksgiving!

Gotcha, Allah!

2. How do you think that turkeys are normally killed? You don't think their tracheas and aortas are severed? You think they have some sort of humane lethal injection process or something?

3. Do you really think that Butterball employees are taking the time to recite an Islamic prayer every time they slaughter a turkey? You think Butterball turkeys aren't raised on factory farms and slaughtered on an assembly line? Do you have any idea what modern turkey farming looks like?

  

(hint: Not like this so much)

4. What if they really were? What if the Butterball people really were following halal butchering practices? How would that affect the eaters of the turkey? Wouldn't the cooking process kill any Muslim cooties that were in the bird?

 

I once ate a bagel, and look at me now!

--Chin Ho Pak