Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Food Network

Someone always has the Food Network on at least one of the TVs in the gym (which is kinda weird to begin with) and I have noticed a pattern. Other than the great Paula Dean, everyone on the Food network is either a strangely large-headed woman( Giada De Laurentiis, Sandra Lee, Rachael Ray) or some spiky-haired dude that's gonna show ya how cooking ROCKS!

Here's a tip: grown women should Never use the word "yummy." It's not cute or endearing, it's cloying and puerile. There is nothing charming about infantilization. Oh, and Racheal, "yummo" is about a thousand times worse.

here's another tip: No one should ever use the word "tablescape" That is not a real word, and it does not make you sound sophisticated. It makes you sound like a person who makes up words. On today's "ridiculous crap with Sandra Lee" Ms Lee said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "This tablescape is what I call Retro-Chic and Ultra-Cool." Really? Because the rest of us call it garish and trailer-park tacky!

Oh, and a tip for Giada de Laurentus: You don't need to tell us every time an ingredient is Italian. "Marscapone Cheese, that's Italian!" "Amaretto, that's an Italian Liquer."
We've all had Italian food. We know what Italian food is. You don't see me going around saying "Oh, look a Volkswagen, that's German! Bratwurst, that's German! Oh, look, skinheads!" well, you get the idea.
And stop pretending that salt and pepper are your special secret ingredients. Everyone uses salt and pepper. They put them on the table at restaurants, for God's sake! We're not idiots!

But, then I guess that if we're watching your show, maybe we are.

Hans Asperger

I'm sorry, but if you discover a disease and your name sounds like ass-burger, you don't get to name it after yourself. No doctor should ever have to struggle to keep a straight face while telling parents "I'm sorry, but it seems your son has Ass Burgers." That's just not right.

Other people after whom diseases may not be named:

Musician Bruce Cockburn

Movie Actor Bob Cummings

Composer/ Pianist Dick Hyman

19th Century French Poet Honore' De Balzac

Race car driver Dick Trickle

"I'm sorry, Mr and Mrs Smith, your son has Dick Trickle's disease."