How do you make snarky little jokes about a story like this?
Oath Keepers is organizing “Spartan Training Groups” in every state with the aim of bolstering efforts to combat “antifa and the far left.” He spun the effort as part of a larger vision of becoming a national militia that could be called into action by President Trump:
I mean, a heavily-armed group of paranoiacs wants to become America's Brown Shirts? You try coming up with a punchline for that.
We’re going to have our most experienced law enforcement and military veterans, as well as firefighters, EMTs, Search and Rescue — guys that we’ve vetted that are qualified to teach, to go and train average Americans in how to organize their own neighborhood watch, their own security teams, their own event security, and walk them up the ladder in proficiency, so that they are available for the sheriff as a posse, under a Constitutional governor to be a state militia, or if it was called out by the President of the United States to serve as a militia of the United States to secure the schools, protect our borders, or whatever else he asks them to do to execute our laws, repel invasions, and to suppress insurrections, which we’re seeing from the left right now.
For God's sake! Not only do they want to form militias to "suppress insurrections," they think they're already seeing said insurrections! They're pretty much ready to open fire on anyone with a pussy hat or a #RESIST shirt.
Or try to find the humor in this story:
Officials in a majority-black Georgia county accused of trying to close almost all polling places to make it harder for black people to vote claimed last week that the locations couldn’t be used because of accessibility problems for people with disabilities.
I mean, they were seriously claiming that they needed to shut down 7 of 9 polling places in theis county because they weren't ADA compliant. Because, you know how much conservative Republicans love the ADA. Seems like oinly yesterday that someone wheeled Bob Dole into the Senate to beg them to agree to a treaty extending ADA protections to disabled people in other nations and they said "Ha! Get lost, ya old cripple!" and threw candy wrappers and empty beer cans at him. (That's the way I remember it, don't bother Googling, I'm pretty sure that's accurate.)
Now there is some good news, at least. They have abandoned their plans to keep black voters from the polls in this particular county. They have, of course, been "purging" the voter rolls to be sure that anyone who is not eligible to vote, or has the first name LaMarr, Moesha or Pedro will not be able to commit "voter fraud" aka vote for Stacy Abrams to be the first black female governor in the history of these United States.
(donate to Stacy Abrams HERE, if for no other reason than to piss off the racists and misogynists of the State of Georgia)
So there's not a lot of humor to be found on the interwebs lately. Although, I guess this would be pretty funny, if this lunatic didn't have a following:
Alabama pastor speaks in tongues demanding prayers for Trump because ‘witchcraft’s trying to take this country over’
“When Elijah faced Jezebel, he was facing witchcraft,” he said. “What’s happening right now in America, is witchcraft’s trying to take this country over. It’s witchcraft that’s trying to take America back over.”
And you'd think that if you told a group of people that "witchcraft" was trying to take over the US, they'd check you for a fever, ask if there's some medication you're supposed to be taking, maybe try to have you committed. But not these folks. They all nod and "mm-hmm" as if he just said the most logical thing imaginable. Like if he had said something like "partisanship is taking over Washington" or something. You know, and people would say "oh, yep, he's got a point." But no. This guy is literally saying that some sort of supernatural evil force from Old Testament times is trying to take over America. And it hasn't been incarnated as an orange-colored syphilitic baboon.
And this should be funny. 10 years ago, this would have been funny. Hell, three years ago this would have been funny. But now, these are the people in charge of our government. These people are the Betsy DeVoses and Ben Carsons of Podunk, Alabama.And these people vote. And own guns. So many guns! And there's nothing stopping them from looking at you or me and deciding that we are part of the witchcraft invasion and going all Daniel Johnston on us. (Google him, young people)
Honest to God (no pun intended) someone tells you "the Holy Spirit told me to tell you this that or the other" and you don't immediately think "Hmm, is this guy a huge liar or is he actually insane?
And he actually says that he doesn't know how Trump is able to bear up under the weight of this, and Trump is as strong a man as he has ever seen and no one points out that the son of a bitch spends half his time rage-tweeting conspiracy nonsense and the other half on the golf course?
And then God told him to warn the church - not the President, who is supposedly under threat from a Hebrew King and Queen that have been dead for a few thousand years, but the church, that so far he has been dealing with Ahab, but he's about to come face to face with Jezebel, and the crowd reacts like the miniature people that Lisa Simpson created when someone says the name "Bart."
Then he says that God told him to tell people to pray for Trump which is just so bizarre. Why would God come to a person and tell that person "you'd better get people to ask ME to protect Trump." Like, clearly this is what God already wants or he wouldn't be having this conversation. So why would he need to ask you to ask someone else to ask Him. . .it's mind-boggling.
Ooooh, and the tongue-speaking. What the FUCK is up with the tongue-speaking? Is that supposed to be some language that God speaks? Like you ask him for something and he just goes "ehhh, no English, Senor." so you gotta sing Rubber Biscuit to get his attention? Where does this nonsense come from?
I was raised in a pretty fundamentalist church and we never ever babbled in gibberish. We prayed in the King's English as the Good Lord intended! The speaking in tongues thing comes from the Book of Acts. On the day now known as Pentecost, the Holy Spirit descended upon the disciples and they began "speaking in tongues." BUT, when the crowd of people heard this, they wewre amazed and said and I'm paraphrasing here, but "some of us are Jews, some are Greeks, some Persians, yet all of us hear these guys speak in our own native tongues." So if these Pentecostal freaks were actually speaking in tongues, I would hear them clearly in English. A Frenchman would hear him in French, a Spaniard in Spamish, etc. Burt that's not what's going on here. Everyone hears the same unintelligible schizophasia and these idiots lap it up.
It should be funny. But it isn't. Nothing is right now.