Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Stay Classy, Yahoo! News

Really classy coverage of the 2012 games, there, Yahoo! News.

Women's Beach Volleyball match: Chen Xue of China signals to teammate Xi Zhang (Alexander Hassenstein/Getty Images)
Beach volleyball secret signals decoded

Curious readers want to know: What do those well-placed hand signs really mean?
A photo tour

Spain's Liliana Fernandez Steiner signals the play to her teammate Spain's Elsa Baquerizo McMillan during their women's beach volleyball preliminary round match against the Netherlands atSmart Beach Tour 2012 - Day 1 HamburgLOCOG Test Events for London 2012 - VISA FIVB Beach Volleyball International

Olympians reveal their tattoos
Sporting the colors of the country they represent is gratifying enough for most Olympic athletes. For others, an ink gun provides the opportunity to express themselves in a more permanent way. -- By Armando Botello II, Yahoo! Sports

A Canadian swimmer sports an Olympic rings tattoo at the Aquatics Centre before the start of the London 2012 Olympic Games in LondonA tattoo of the Olympic rings is seen on a member of the U.S. national Olympic swimming team during a training session at the main pool of the Aquatics Centre before the start of the London 2012 OlympKathleen Hersey

Asshole Minister is an Asshole

Rev. Kevin Swanson,
pictured here fantasizing about stoning people to death
(via Raw Story)
Pastor: Kermit deserves ‘death penalty’ for taking ‘sodomy route’

During his Friday radio broadcast, Kevin Swanson said he wanted to see “Miss Piggy on a bun” because The Muppets had dumped Chick-fil-A after restaurant founder Dan Cathy insisted the company was “guilty as charged” of funding anti-LGBT organizations. 

Um, you know she's a fictional character, right? But if you really want a foam-rubber sandwich that badly, don't let me stop you.

“A Christian perspective ultimately brought the death penalty upon homosexuality between roughly 350 AD and roughly 1850 or so, for about 1,500 years that form of life had pretty much been eliminated except here and there, it was in the closet, but it was almost unheard of for over 1,000 years, until recently,” Swanson explained. 

A Christian perspective? Which Christian perspective would that be? Would that be the "love your neighbor as yourself" perspective? Or the "judge not, lest ye be judged" perspective? Or maybe the "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" perspective? Or maybe you're talking about the perspective based on what Jesus so famously said about the gay people, and I quote: "_________."
What aspect of Christianity do you feel would lead to the practice of murdering people because of whom they find attractive? I think what you go there is an Old Testament perspective, or maybe a Medieval fundamentalist Muslim perpective.

“And Kermit the Frog is not eating Chick-fil-A either,” Swanson continued. “Maybe Dan Cathy should consider doing a frog filet for one of the sandwiches.”

Ooh, yeah! That would show 'em! Take that, ghost of Jim Henson!

“Dave, you know that Sesame Street and the Muppets are going to take the sodomy route,” 


“Dave, you know that Sesame Street and the Muppets are going to take the sodomy route,” he said, adding that the puppets may also support the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), a pedophilia advocacy group.

Ah, there's the Dickbag Express, right on schedule. Because you can't hate on the gays without accusing them of pedophilia. Nor, apparently, can you hate on anyone who is gay-friendly without accusing them of being pro-pedophilia. Because how else would we know what a colossal  asshole you are?

That big, huh?

Monday, July 30, 2012

How to insult a great many people at once, by Mitt Romney

Romney praises Israel’s success

“As you come here and you see the GDP per capita, for instance, in Israel which is about $21,000 dollars, and compare that with the GDP per capita just across the areas managed by the Palestinian Authority, which is more like $10,000 per capita, you notice such a dramatically stark difference in economic vitality,” the Republican presidential candidate told about 40 wealthy donors who breakfasted around a U-shaped table at the luxurious King David Hotel.
“And as I come here and I look out over this city and consider the accomplishments of the people of this nation, I recognize the power of at least culture and a few other things,” Romney said, citing an innovative business climate, the Jewish history of thriving in difficult circumstances and the “hand of providence.”

So, who should be more insulted by this statement?
Should it be the Palestinians who've just been told that their economic woes are due to their inferior culture?
Or should it be the Israelis who have just been told that you know, all throughout history you people have been really good with money. You people are just so talented at accumulating wealth!

Yeah, see this guy knows what I'm talking about!

 Or maybe it should be "providence" that's most insulted, being blamed for this economic disparity which probably has more to do with the US sending $400 million in economic aid and $2.7 Billion in military aid to Israel (source) and Palestine being blockaded and walled-off than anything that "providence" has done.

 Also, I'm not the one bulldozing their houses!

Romney, in comparing the Israeli and Palestinian economies, made no mention of the fact that Israel has controlled the West Bank, Gaza Strip and east Jerusalem since capturing them in the 1967 war. Israel withdrew from Gaza in 2005, but continues to control access, and has enforced a crippling border blockade since the Islamic militant Hamas seized the territory in 2007.

In the West Bank, Israel retains overall control, and Palestinians only have limited self-rule. Israel controls all border crossings in and out of the West Bank, and continues to restrict Palestinian trade and movement.

The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund have said repeatedly that the Palestinian economy can only grow if Israel lifts those restrictions.

So, how else can Romney put his thousand-dollar loafer in his mouth?

Romney Breaks With Every GOP President, Pledges To Never Criticize Israel

By Zack Beauchamp on Jul 29, 2012 at 3:45 pm


Really, Mitt Romney? Never criticize Israel? Never? Are they just that thin-skinned that they can't handle the slightest criticism? Really?

Romney suggested that any public criticism of Israel in public would be off-limits in a Romney Presidency:

    We cannot stand silent as those who seek to undermine Israel voice their criticisms. And we certainly should not join in that criticism. Diplomatic distance in our public between our nations emboldens Israel’s adversaries.

What, are we afraid that Israel will wish us into the cornfield? 

It was a good thing you bulldozed that village, Israel, it was a real good thing!

i don't think Mitt has gotten the hang of this "being a human being" thing yet. It's like someone told him "it's important to the base that you show unwavering support for Israel" and this is what he comes up with.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

the Cat Olympics













Thursday, July 26, 2012

So Many Questions.

I don't know who these folks are who are acting out this section of Bobby Jindals' memoir, but that's really the least of my questions.

I guess my first question would be: someone in your little group has a seizure and NO ONE calls an ambulance? The head weirdo says "c'mon everyone, lay hands on her" and nobody says "sure, as soon as I'm done dialing 911."
Question # 2: What's with the fat guy scat-singing during prayer time? I'm sure he would claim to be "speaking in tongues" but I'm pretty sure he's just imitating what he thinks Hebrew sounds like. And while we're on the subject, in the New Testament, when the disciples start "speaking in tongues," everyone in the area heard them in their own language.
Acts 2: 6 -- the multitude came together, and were confounded, because that every man heard them speak in his own language.
And they were all amazed and marvelled, saying one to another, Behold, are not all these which speak Galilaeans?
And how hear we every man in our own tongue, wherein we were born?

So how is it that whenever these nuts supposedly "speak in tongues," it's just gibberish that no one understands?

Hommina Hommina Hommina!

 If you want to speak gobbeldygook and say that it's some sort of sign of how godly you are or whatever, that's certainly your right, but it seems pretty stupid to call it "speaking in tongues."


Question # 3: Shouldn't the Devil be more adept at bad language? At some point the possessed girl says something like "you buzzkills are boring me to death!" Also I believe she says "eat my farts!"  I'm pretty sure the devil would be capable of more scathing language than that.

Ask her, she can give you a few tips. You mother-fucking cunts!

Question # 4: Do they really think that flatulence signals the presence of the devil? "Oh, my God, her gas smells like sulfur!" Um, so does everyone else's. 
One year when I was a kid, there was one Easter egg that my dad hid so well that no one found it for weeks. If these people had been there, they would have thought the entire backyard was possessed.

Question # 5: A "Rival Christian Group?" How are there rival Christian groups on this campus? "Let's all pray together now." "Hey can we pray with you?" "Fuck you, heretics! Your position on tras-substanciation is totally bullshit!"

Fuck you, we're the People's Front of Judea!

Question # 6: So, if I'm getting this correctly, the lesson here is that if you have cancer, your best bet is to get yourself possessed by the Devil, because after the possession, the doctors found zero cancer cells? No need to waste your money on expensive medicines and surgery, just go Linda Blair and boom! Cancer gone!

Or is the lesson that Bobby Jindal is a nut? Yeah, maybe that's the real lesson.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Party of Personal Responsibility

Remember when it used to be considered a bleeding-heart pansy liberal thing to say that "society" was to blame for people becoming criminals or whatever? And remember how conservatives used to howl about personal responsibility and how no one is to blame for the crime except the criminal himself? I miss those days.

AFA News Director Says Liberal Churches, Media Share Responsibility for Colorado Shooting

Fred Jackson, the American Family Association’s news director, while discussing the Colorado movie theater shooting today said that liberal Christian churches and liberal media helped contribute to violent incidents by supposedly deemphasizing the fear of God and the Bible. During AFA Today, Jackson had on as his guest Jerry Newcombe of Truth in Action Ministries to discuss his column on the AFA’s OneNewsNow blaming the shooting on a waning fear of God and Hell, and blamed the American Civil Liberties Union for destroying the public school system by supposedly forbidding students from reading the Bible. “You wonder why all these terrible things are happening to us when there is no fear of God,” Newcombe said.
Jackson maintained that unlike in the communities of forty years ago, liberals in the media and churches, along with movies and the internet, have “have come together to give us these kinds of incidents.”

Also unlike 40 years ago, nuts now have easy access to military-grade assault weapons. But I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

But seriously, if only our culture put more emphasis on the fear of God and Hell, this young man's brain chemicals would never have turned on him and he would never have become a paranoid schizophrenic or whatever it is that convinces a young person that the audience at a Batman movie must be destroyed.

Because obviously this is the sort of man who weighs the pros and cons of his actions before proceeding. I'm sure he would have weighed the possibility of going to Hell against the chance that the Batman audience was all out to get him and made the wise decision.

R. Emmett Tyrrell: 'Brain Dead' Liberals are to Blame for Colorado Shooting

Yesterday, Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association blamed liberals for the movie theatre shooting in Colorado:
But Fischer is not alone in assigning blame to the left.
R. Emmett Tyrrell, the founder and editor of The American Spectator, spoke to Fischer yesterday about the Colorado shooting and told the Religious Right talk show host that “a country that is being forced to turn away from God because of the liberals gets things like the Colorado massacre in abundance.” 
 Because it was Brain-Dead liberals who decided that gun manufacturers should be completely free to sell any kind of weapon to any lunatic who wants them. I believe it was Saul Alinsky's idea!

Culture of Death and the Batman Shooting

Today, children are reared in a culture that glorifies – even worships – death and violence. But brutal crimes such as this are not the cause of our culture of death; they are merely a symptom. . . 
Just one example, though a big one, is America’s ongoing capitulation to the horrific abortion violence carried out under cover of manmade law each day – an equally evil phenomenon.
Beneath the euphemistic banner of “reproductive choice,” hundreds of women elect to have their own babies slaughtered in the womb daily. Children – those who dodged the abortion bullet anyway – aren’t stupid; they’re just young. From this, they can only deduce that, according to our culture, human life is cheap and meaningless.
So why are we surprised when people like the “Batman killer” act accordingly?

 They certainly couldn't learn that life is cheap and meaningless from an administration that sent thousands of their peers to their deaths in some god-forsaken desert for no discernable reason other than to funnel taxpayer money to KBR and Blackwater.
And I'm sure that no one would get the idea that life is cheap by a culture that says "you want a military-class submachine gun? And you're batshit insane? Here ya go, son!"

Now don't go committing any mass murders, kiddo!

Fischer: 'We've Tried It the Liberals' Way for Sixty Years Now and What Do We Got? We Have Massacres in Aurora'

Today on Focal Point, Fischer specifically blamed liberals and opposition to posting the Ten Commandments in public schools for the shooting, lamenting, “we’ve tried it the liberals’ way for sixty years now and what do we got? We have massacres in Aurora.”

Aw, shit! No one told me that "don't kill" was a commandment! 
If only they'd been posted at the courthouse!

Flip Benham Declares CO Shooter to be 'Spawn of the Ideology of the Democratic Party'

Flip Benham of Operation Save America has decided to join the cavalcade of blame being unleashed by the Religious Right over the tragic mass shooting in Colorado last night, declaring that the suspect is "an Occupy Wall Street guy" who is "the spawn of the ideology of the Democratic Party:"

So apparently, the shooting is the fault of: Liberals, abortion, The Democratic Party, Secularists, Liberals, Occupy Wall Street and Liberals. Everyone except the man who pulled the trigger. And guns. Goddammit, you better not try to blame gun violence on guns! Because what ever happened to personal responsibility?

Santorum Going Out Of His Way to be an Asshole.

Yummy brown sauce

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Life Imitates The Simpsons

Or at least former criminal and current idiot Darrell Issa does:

Sat Jul 21, 2012 at 04:00 PM PDT

Darrell Issa proposes renaming the ocean after Ronald Reagan

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) is floating legislation that would name most U.S. coastal waters after former President Ronald Reagan.
Issa reintroduced his bill Wednesday to rename the country’s Exclusive Economic Zone (EEZ), which generally extends from three miles to 200 miles offshore, as the Ronald Wilson Reagan Exclusive Economic Zone.

Hmm, reminds me of a little something from back in 2003. . . .
I remember it like it was yesterday. . . .
 Simpsons WIki
 Season 14, Episode 14:

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington

Mr. Burns: Welcome, fellow Republicans. To start with the old business, Brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.
Dr. Hibbert: All Millard Fillmore schools are now Ronald Reagans, the Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan...
Dracula: And my good friend Frankenstein is now Franken-reagan. Blah!
Mr. Burns: Excellent!

Is FOX Even Trying Anymore?

Because this is pathetic!

I don't know what is worse, that FOX thinks two little girls with a lemonade stand is somehow proving some sort of point, or that the little girls' parents are willing to trot them out on TV as right-wing stooges, repeating bs talking points that they don't really even  understand. Or maybe the fact that their parents apparently think that it's just adorable for their little daughters to refer to them as "investors" and claim that their lemonade recipe is "proprietary." Yeah, that's the worst part. Oh, look honey. Our little darlings are already talking like little business school douchebags. Isn't that sweet?

If by "sweet" you mean "sad and creepy," then yeah. Totally sweet!

And I swear to God, no one has ever been worse at any job than Brian Kilmeade is at his.

Kilmeade began his segment with the Sutton sisters by playing a clip of Obama saying that business owners "didn't build" their businesses. . .
"These two girls beg to differ," the Fox News host claimed. "They built their lemonade business, not only without government help, but without any help. . . Who helped you start this business?"

You can't say that they didn't have any help and then ask who helped? You just can't be that ridiculous. Except on FOX I guess.

"Clara, how do you feel about the president saying that you needed help to start this business?" Kilmeade asked. "And just speak from within." [Because, yeah, a 7-year-old totally understands what that means!]
"I would say that's rude because we worked very hard to build this business -- but we did have help," Clara insisted. 

So. . . . it's rude to say that you needed help, but you did have help? I know you're just repeating what your idiot parents are telling you to say, but even if a 7-year-old doesn't see the gap in logic, Kilmeade is a fucking grown man. How does he not say, "oh, now I see why we shouldn't have 7-year-olds making our political points for us" and just throw to commercial? 

Four-year-old Eliza added: "My brother does things he likes to do, and he says, 'Car, car' every time. Every time he sees a car!"

You mean a car driving on a government-built road, pulling up to the government-built curb to buy some of your lemonade from the stand that your "investors" helped you build? My God, what rugged individualists!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Fixing Sean Hannity's Sickening Interview With Murderer George Zimmerman.

Transcript of Sean Hannity's Interview with Murderer George Zimmerman from FOX website with questiuons Hannity should have asked inserted by me:

HANNITY: A lot of time has passed since this incident with Trayvon. How do you feel about it now that you have had some time to reflect on what has happened?
GEORGE ZIMMERMAN: I haven't really had the time to reflect on it.

ME: You haven't had time? You killed someone. How can you think about anything else? What could possibly be keeping you so busy that you haven't had time to reflect on the signature event of your life thus far?

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN: I haven't really had the time to reflect on it. When I was in jail, obviously I was in solitary confinement and I had a lot of time to think and reflect.

ME: so, we're one question in and already you've lied? Because you just said that you hadn't had time to reflect. That was ONE FUCKING SENTENCE AGO!

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN: I haven't really had the time to reflect on it. When I was in jail, obviously I was in solitary confinement and I had a lot of time to think and reflect. I just think it's a tragic situation, and I hope it's the most difficult thing I'll ever go through in my life.

ME: Oh, yeah. I sure would hope that YOU never have to go through anything this difficult again. This must be really tough for YOU. I mean, sure Trayvon's mother and father and his friends and his girlfriend, they're probably going through some tough times right now, but YOU - YOU are obviously having a real difficult time.

HANNITY: Let's start at the beginning.

ZIMMERMAN: I was going to Target to do my weekly grocery shopping. Sunday nights was the only nights -- well, Sunday after we mentored the kids, we would always go grocery shopping

ME: Stop! Stop right there. No one cares if you were mentoring kids. You don't get to weigh the kids you've supposedly helped against the one you murdered and think that you can deduct that from your guilt. Also, who the fuck does their grocery shopping at Target? Who does that?  What, do you live on Froot Loops and Pepsi?

HANNITY: We all have heard the 911 call. On that 911 call, you had mentioned that there had been a number of break-ins in the neighborhood.
ZIMMERMAN: Yes, sir.
HANNITY: Why were you a community watch person? How long were you involved in that and why did you become a community watch person?

ME: Sorry to interrupt, Sean, but George Zimmerman was NOT a community watch person. He never joined any community watch group. Community watch persons do not carry guns. Vigilantes do, but not community watch persons. One does not get to just declare oneself a community watch person. It's not like calling yourself a "journalist."

ZIMMERMAN: In August of 2011, there was a home invasion. A young lady was home with her nine-month-old baby, and they broke into her sliding glass door. She barricaded herself in the upstairs bedroom. And my wife was home by herself, and she saw the people that burglarized her run through our backyard with their belongings. And even though my wife wasn't certain what happened, that was enough to scare her and shake her up. And I promised her I would do what I could to keep her safe.

ME: wouldn't a better way to keep her safe be to stay home with her? Or give her the gun when you go out? Running around the neighborhood playing cops and robbers seems like a terribly inefficient way of keeping your wife safe. While you're out shooting unaremd teenagers, who knows how many criminals could be breaking in to your house where your poor wife sits alone and gunless?

HANNITY: Now, your gun was legal. You had a legal weapon in the state of Florida.
ZIMMERMAN: Yes, sir.

ME: Is there such a thing as a not-legal weapon in the state of Florida?

HANNITY: Why did you feel the need to carry a gun? A lot of people maybe have a weapon inside their home, but you decided to carry yours. Why did you think it was necessary to have a weapon with you? And did you carry it at all times?
ZIMMERMAN: I carried it at all times except for when I went to work.

ME: Sorry, that's not even close to an answer. The question was "why carry the gun?" Your answer can't be "I carry it a lot." I'm sure Sean will want to ask you a follow-up question. . . . No? Really? 

HANNITY: A lot of this case legally -- and we are going to get to Mark in a few minutes here and ask him about a lot of legal aspects, because there are so many of them in this case -- has to do with stand your ground. You have heard a lot about it. And I was just curious, prior to this night, this incident, had you even heard stand your ground?
HANNITY: You have never heard about it before?

ME: Oh, come on! Seriously? You'd never heard of stand your ground? I live in Georgia and I've heard about it. I don't own a gun and I've heard about it. You're telling me that a gun-nut in Florida doesn't know about Florida's gun-nut law? 
HANNITY: Well. Now, on -- it was very interesting, in the 911 call that everybody has heard, you said that all of a sudden you found somebody who looked suspicious, he may be on drugs. That was one of the earlier comments that you made in that 911 call. What made you think he was suspicious, and what made you think that he might be on drugs?
ZIMMERMAN: I felt he was suspicious because it was raining.

ME: Raining? Is that slang for black?

ZIMMERMAN: I felt he was suspicious because it was raining. He was in-between houses, cutting in-between houses, and he was walking very leisurely for the weather. 
ME: Yeah, it was raining. Hence the "hoodie."
ZIMMERMAN: I felt he was suspicious because it was raining. He was in-between houses, cutting in-between houses, and he was walking very leisurely for the weather. I -- it didn't look like he was a resident that went to check their mail and got caught in the rain and was hurrying back home. He didn't look like a fitness fanatic that would train in the rain

ME: So, it was his gait? He wasn't walking fast enough for your liking so you figured he was on drugs? And how is he walking leisurely and also cutting in between houses. Cutting in-between houses sounds to me like he was in a hurry to get home.
HANNITY: Yes. You said he started from almost the beginning in that 911 call, you said he came towards you, and he seemed to reach for something in his waistband. Did you think that was a gun?
ZIMMERMAN: I thought he was just trying to intimidate me.

ME: You said in the 911 call that you were going to follow him and that these guys "always get away." How could you follow him if he was coming towards you? And if he was coming towards you, why would you be concerned about him getting away? 

HANNITY: You said in that tape something's wrong with him, he's checking me out. I don't know what his deal was. So it's almost from the very beginning you felt -- are you saying on that 911 tape that you felt threatened at that moment when you said that to the dispatch?
ZIMMERMAN: No, not particularly.

ME: Of course he didn't feel threatened, Sean you moron. He was the one with the gun! And if he had felt threatened, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have decided to follow the kid. 
Have you actually read the 911 transcript? Because I just Googled it, and right after he says  "I don't know what his deal is," he says
He’s running. [2:08]
911 dispatcher:
He’s running? Which way is he running?
Down toward the other entrance of the neighborhood. [2:14]

So how could Zimmerman possibly feel threatened by someone who is running away from him?

HANNITY: You said he's running.
ZIMMERMAN: Yes. He was like skipping, going away quickly. But he wasn't running out of fea
ME: Skipping? He was skipping? Isn't skipping like the least threatening thing a person could do? Isn't skipping usually the province of little girls with pigtails? Can you at least make up your mind whether he was a big scary thug or someone who skips away in the rain?

Call 911!

HANNITY: . . . Let me ask you this. At that point, we can hear the unbuckling of the seatbelt, hear you opening the car door, and this dispatch asked you at that point. . . "are you following him?" And you said yes. Explain that.
ZIMMERMAN: I meant that I was going in the same direction as him

ME: Oh my God, we know what "following" means! Even Hannity knows what the word "following" neans! I think he's asking you to explain WHY you were following Trayvon Martin!


Aaaanyway, the interview continues in this vein for a while with Hannity not playing the role of the interviewer so much as the role of the sleazy Law & Order defense attorney prepping his client for testimony. 
Then comes the most shocking part of the interview:

HANNITY: Is there anything you regret? Do you regret getting out of the car to follow Trayvon that night?
HANNITY: Do you regret that you had a gun that night?

ME: WHAT? How the Hell can you not regret anything? You killed another human being! Even if you really really feel like you were justified in killing an unarmed teenager who wasn't doing anything wrong, how does having killed him not haunt you? What kind of a monster are you?

HANNITY: Do you feel you wouldn't be here for this interview if you didn't have that gun?

ME: Then you're lying! Because you've been claiming that the only thing that stopped this skinny kid, whom you outweigh by about 50 lbs, from repeatedly bashing your head against the pavement was you shooting him. If that's not alie, then then you would definitely not be here without the gun. So you're either lying about what happened (duh!) or you're just a goddamm idiot! Look, Sean's even going to try to help you:

HANNITY: Do you feel you wouldn't be here for this interview if you didn't have that gun?
HANNITY: You feel you would not be here?
ZIMMERMAN: I feel it was all God's plan and for me to second guess it or judge it --

ME: God's plan?!?! God's plan was for you to shoot some kid dead for no good reason? How could that be God's plan? I'm glad I'm not there in the studio, because There's gonna be some lightning headed your way. Or at least a defamation suit.

Hey, where am I going to find a Lawyer?

Anyway, to sum up: Zimmerman is a murderer who shows absolutely zero remorse, Sean Hannity is fuck-awful at his job and at being a human being, and if all else fails, blame God!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

Funny Woman of the Day -- Suzanne Weber

Suzanne Weber wrote the book
To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?
  Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers

upon which I happened to stumble while killing time at Barnes & Noble.

She has probably written other funny things, but either way, this book alone qualifies her to be today's Funny Woman of the Day. Here's an example:

Iʼm Not Okay

When I bonk myself really, really hard
on the edge of the coffee table…
When I fall down ʻcause Iʼm just learning to walk
and Iʼm still not that steady on my feet…
When I slip off the swing ʻcause you were checking your iPhone
and not watching me as carefully as you should have…
Guess what?
That shit hurts!!
Youʼve got to know it does.
So why is your first reaction always,
“Youʼre okay! Youʼre okay!”?
Do you honestly think youʼre gonna trick me into thinking I didnʼt just
get an enormous goose egg on my forehead?
Or that my knee isnʼt gonna bleed like a mother-fucker?
Or that the bruise on my elbow is just a smudge of dirt?
When was the last time you smacked a vulnerable part of your
anatomy against a hard unforgiving object?
It HURT, right?
Now imagine everyone around you just dismissing your pain
with an idle wave of the hand and a pat on the head and an
“Oh, youʼre okay.”
And, even though you actually felt the lump rising on your head and
in your throat, you had to smile gamely through your discomfort,
because you could see that everyone was just so invested in
your not crying or making a fuss?
If you understand a fraction of what Iʼm trying to tell you,
then you understand that “okay” is exactly what I am not.
I wouldn't say no to a lollipop.
Copyright © 2012 by Suzanne Weber. Excerpted from "To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born? Revenge Poetry For Babies And Toddlers," by Suzanne Weber. Published by Atria Books.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Oh, My God, He's a Fucking 12-Year-Old!

George W. Bush: 'Eight Years Was Awesome, And I Was Famous And I Was Powerful'

Awesome? Really?

Who could possibly used the word "awesome" to describe the presidency without linking it to the word "responsibility?" Like "being in charge of the world's sole remaining superpower is an awesome responsibility which I took very seriously."

But no, 8 years of warfare and recession are apparently just totally awesome 'cuz you get to be all famous and shit!

Dude, remember how awesome it was when you did nothing to even try and prevent the worst terrorist attack on our nation in history? And remember how totally rad it was when you sent thousands of our troops to their deaths in the wrong country? And wasn't it bitchin' when you decided like, sure what the fuck, let's become one of those countries that tortures people!

What other gems of wisdom did Bush crap out during this interview?

“I think it’s bad for the presidency to have former presidents bloviating, opining, telling people how it ought to be done. …
(someone got a word-a-day calender for his birthday!)

I don’t want to undermine our president — whoever’s president — and a former president can do that. … 
 Oh, well that's cool. That's pretty classy, actually. Don't want to do anything to undermine the current prez. That's pretty decent of ya. Unless you're about to. . . .

 Bush did add that he hopes Mitt Romney wins the presidency this November.

I don't want to do anything to undermine the current president, except for publicly stating that I hope he loses his re-election bid.
Jeezus, what a moron.

Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0712/78606.html#ixzz21JSAN7V2