Monday, December 3, 2012

Bad advice from awful women

First up: marriage advice from Michelle Duggar, because when I think of the term "happy marriage," I immediately think of an empty-headed baby factory whose husband is so gay that he makes sure to impregnate her every time they mate so that he doesn't have to do that again for at least 9 months!

Michelle Duggars Tips For A Happy Marriage: Husbands Are Commanded To Govern Their Wives

Is it just me or do they look an awful lot alike?

So, yeah, her advice is pretty much as creepy as you might expect:

A Husband Needs A Wife Who Accepts Him As A Leader And Believes In His God-Given Responsibilities”: Husbands are commanded to govern their wives; God works through a man’s decisions — good or bad; Bad decisions reveal his needs and allow the wife to appeal and demonstrate Godly character; The more a wife trusts her husband, the more careful he will be in giving her direction; Never ask others for counsel without your husband’s approval; reassure your husband that you understand and believe that he is your God-given leader.

 She even has some sort of a workbook with fill-in-the-blank questions about being a good Stepford wife:


Although, one might amend  that to read "A painfully insecure man wants to prove his manliness.


1. Physical
2. Spiritual
3. Mental
4. Emotional

And some are just weird:

1. ____________________is killed by self-sufficiency.
2. Whoever controls the _______________controls the ______________ . 

(insert your own filthy sex joke here)

 And some area little frightening:

A wife may avoid temporary consequences by taking matters into her own hands, but doing so will ultimately cause destruction (Proverbs 14:1).

Okay, I'll bite, what does Proverbs 14:1 say?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.


Reading this passage from a sane perspective, as I am wont to do, it seems to be saying that women should try to be, you know, wise. And not foolish. Which seems like good advice for women or men.  I don't see anything here about not taking matters into one's own hands. In fact, I would venture to say that based on this passage, a wise woman should take things into her own hands, but a foolish one should probably not.

And then some is just sad:

A husband needs a wife who will continue to develop inward and outward beauty: How can you become more of the wife of your husband’s dreams?; discover and  conform to your husband’s real wishes; explain your hairstyle to others on the basis of your submission to your authority


Of course, if this was my hairstyle, I'd try to blame it on my husband too.

So, yeah. Discover and conform to your husband's real wishes. Because why be who you are? Why have a personality of your own, when you can just be some sort of sad puppet?

If you have a strong stomach, you can read the whole thing here:

Then there's Suzanne Venker, the author of How to Choose a Husband and Make Peace With Marriage, which is an odd title, since someone who is looking to choose a husband has probably already made her peace with marriage, or else why the search for the husband?

Suzanne describes herself thusly:

I am a wife and mother who writes. A lot. I’ve spent the past thirteen years, while at home with my children, examining the culture and its social agendas as it pertains to sex, marriage, gender roles, and the work and family dilemma.
Because the best possible place to do this kind of sociological research is at home with a bunch of dumb kids!
 And who knows more about the "work and family dilemma" than a stay-at-home mom? 
The purpose of my work is to offer a perspective I believe is commensurate with the way most women think and feel about their lives


[kuh-men-ser-it, -sher-] 
1. having the same measure; of equal extent or duration.
2. corresponding in amount, magnitude, or degree: Your paycheck should be commensurate with the amount of time worked.

Before I became a writer, I was a teacher. I was so shocked by what I witnessed in public schools that I quit and wrote my first book, or started to anyway (my first marriage was falling apart at the time, so the project fell by the wayside),
That marriage and motherhood has been so devalued in this country is the reason I took to the computer once again. All of my books examine the demise of the American family since the 1960s
So, your marriage failed. So obviously it's society's fault for de-valuing marriage and allowing the demise of the American family. 

So you may be wondering by now "is this a book that I really need? Well, thankfully Suzanne has a handy quiz to help you determine just that. If you answer "yes" to 5 or more of these questions, damn right you need her stupid book!

1. Deep down, do you feel superior to men?
2. Are you nicer to your girlfriends than you are to your husband or boyfriend? (Another way to answer: Is your behavior and demeanor the same with your guy as it is when you’re with your girlfriends?)

So, if you're a rude, arrogant lady you're already 2 for 2 in the needing the book score.

 4. Do you secretly believe you deserve to be married to Brad Pitt? And that if you were, your life would be better?
Suzanne's book is ideal for the extremely delusional!
 6. Do you have sex very quickly when you’re in a relationship? Or when you’re not in a relationship at all?
Buy my book, you whore! Otherwise you'll just keep on enjoying your sexuality all over the place and won't have time to read awful self-help books.
9. Be honest: Are you looking for tall, dark, and handsome as opposed to smart, stable, and kind? Or perhaps all of the above?
Do you have standards? Are you not eager to settle for short, pale, and ugly? Because that's the only man you deserve, not one that you're attracted to! Because as we've already established, you're a rude, arrogant whore!
10. Are you open to the idea of living with a man?
 If you're still not sure whether this book is right for you, just click on the "read an excerpt" link


Which takes you to this gem:

Read an Excerpt From How to Choose a Husband

Coming Soon


Sure, she's already all over FOX promoting this book, but it still seems like it might be a bit too early to post an excerpt.


Finally, here is the book description from presented without further comment:

It's been forty years since the sexual revolution, and the women of America have everything they want. Everything, that is, except a husband. Women may be schooled in the art of sex, but they have failed in the art of love.

That isn't surprising. The modern generation is living in a culture that isn't the least bit interested in helping them get hitched. For decades women have been taught to sleep around indiscriminately, to pursue an education and career at all costs, and to never depend on a man. As a result, women delay marriage indefinitely or ignore it altogether -- as though marriage has no bearing on their happiness. As though it were a nice idea, or nice accompaniment, to an otherwise satisfying life.

This is an unprecedented worldview. Until recently, women have always mapped out their lives according to what they considered their most important role: wife and mother. Today, women plan their entire futures around big careers. Husband and children come last.

In How to Choose a Husband, social critic and bestselling author Suzanne Venker says American women need a detox. If they want to be happy, or just plain satisfied, they must do a 180 when it comes to their attitude toward sex, courtship, and married life.

If they do, marriageable men will reappear -- and women will find the love that eludes them.



Have you ever wondered what Winnie the Pooh would look like in a bikini?

Yes, you have, liar!

Well, wonder no more!


I think Pooh is supposed to be dressed as a bee, but it looks like he’s sporting a stylish black two-piece. Kudos, Hallmark.