Friday, September 27, 2019

Why NCIS is the worst show on Television

Image result for ncis

Okay, first of all, it's just bad. It's badly written, the characters are bad, the jokes are bad, it's just a bad show. But there are a lot of bad shows. What makes NCIS stand out in a crowd of bad teevee? Glad you asked.

First of all, the show supposedly takes place in modern-day America. A time and place with which we are all too familiar. But their version of modern-day America is one in which a: Everybody knows who/what N.C.I.S. is
and B: everyone respects them.

When they walk into a crime scene or knock on a witness's door and announce "N.C.I.S!" no one says "what the hell is NCIS?" And no one says "NCIS? hell, I'm not in the Navy, you guys can pound sand!" Everyone reacts to them the same way they would if they flashed their badges and said "FBI!"

Also, in their universe, not only does NCIS investigate crimes involving sailors and Marines, they are also involved in counter-terrorism and counter-espionage. And they out-rank everybody somehow. Special Agent Gibbs (Mark Harmon) can say to an admiral "you need to take this aircraft carrier back to port." and the admiral will say "Negative, sir, I have orders to rendezvous with the USS Gerald Ford in the Persian Gulf" and Gibbs will say "Not anymore, admiral. Your ship is my crime scene now!" And the admiral will just go "shit, he's got me. I guess I'll forget about my orders from the Pentagon. The guy from Summer School obviously has the final say."
Image result for mark harmon summer school

Oh, and let's talk about Special Agent Gibbs.
First of all, his name is Leroy Jethro Gibbs. And the few people who are on a first name basis with him all call him "Jethro." He could go by Leroy. He could go by Roy. He could probably go by Lee. Why Jethro? Who would choose to go by Jethro?
Now Leroy Jethro Gibbs is not a pleasant man. He is what the French might call an "asshole."
This is how he interacts with his subordinates:

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Image result for ncis headslap gif

Image result for ncis headslap gif

When he's not shouting at them, he's smacking them in the back of the head. He's never pleasant or friendly or anything but hostile to most of the people who work for him (more on that later), yet they all worship him. WORSHIP him! When they speak his name, it is in hushed, reverent tones "Leroy. Jethro. Gibbs." And it's not just employees kissing the boss's ass. They talk about him like this when he's not even around.

Here's an example. In one episode, Agent McGee's aunt or cousin or something played by Lily Tomlin, is a suspect in a case. McGee tries to get her to talk to him by warning her "if you don't talk to me, you're going to end up talking to Gibbs." Tomlin says something about how she's been arrested before and dealt with cops before and "I thionk I can handle your Agent Gibbs." To which McGee replies "Genghis Khan couldn't handle Gibbs!" And he's not joking.

So you'd think that Gibbs would be the worst character on the show, right?
Hahaha, not by a long shot! Let's look at some of the other characters.

First, they're's Ziva. Ziva is a former/sometimes current Mossad agent who, for some reason works for NCIS. Because that's not a waste of her talents!

Image result for ncis ziva fight gif

Now, if you call up central casting and tell them you need an actress to play an Israeli woman, who would you expect them to send over? A Chilean woman named Cote de Pablo? No? Well, that's who plays Ziva David, a Chilean woman named Cote de Pablo.

Cote de Pablo Picture

Cote de Pablo

Why? Who knows?
But that's not important. Nor is it important that for some reason, a woman who was/is an agent of the deadly elite Mossad considers being accepted as an NCIS agent to be her proudest moment. What is important is that her main purpose besides being hot is to be the butt of a running joke in which she gets mixed up with American colloquialisms. She will say something like "well, that was a wild duck chase!" and one of the other agents will say "Goose, Ziva. It's a wild GOOSE chase." And then she will say "That makes no sense, why would anyone chase a goose?" It's called comic relief, folks!

Then there's Abby Sciuto, the resident forensic science genius. What is her field of science? Everything. She's a computer whiz, she is an expert in chemistry, biology, physics, whatever she needs to be an expert in, she's an expert in. Like the Professor from Gilligan's Island.

Now Abby, or "Abbs" as she is generally addressed, is a woman in her thirties - thirty-four when Season one aired. And she is a scientist. And she works for the military in a military facility. Yet she dresses like a 13-year-old whose local mall just got a Hot Topic.

Image result for abby sciuto outfits

Image result for abby sciuto mini skirt

Image result for abby sciuto mini skirt

So this is annoying, but she also is just an annoying character in general. She babbles. She's clearly the most intelligent character on the show, but she babbles. It's really irritating. And her relationship with Gibbs is not just unprofessional, but downright creepy.
She definitely looks to Gibbs as a father figure, seeking his approval. And when she finds him a particularly useful clue, he ksses her. On the forehead or cheek, but he kisses her! His employee! And then she sighs dreamily because she not only looks at him as a father figure, she also has a huge Electra-complex crush on him.It's gross. And I don't think that the Navy would tolerate this kind of behavior.
Oh wait. I just remembered "Tail Hook." Never mind.

So, is Abbs the most annoying character on the show?
You'd think so, but no.

That distinction goes to Dr. Donald Mallard, or "Ducky" as he is almost always referred to. (Get it? 'Cuz his name is "Mallard?")
Donald Mallard, played by David McCallum, is an old school British colonialist.  The kind who likes to drone on about his time in Afghanistan or Kenya or other far-flung outposts of the British Empire. All he's missing is a pith helmet and jodhpurs as he waxes nostalgic about his youthful adventures and dispense the wisdom of the lessons he learned from various locals and whatnot. He is just absolutely insufferable, yet every other character on the show just adores him for some unstated reason. Curiously, in the first few episodes, Gibbs seems to regard him as an irritating nuisance, but soon they're thick as thieves. Ducky is one of the few people that address Gibbs as Jethro.

So put these unbearable personalities together into one show and you've got the makings of a true Hindenburg of a show. But it gets even more problematic. Because everyone on this show Worships the Marines. I mean, they love and respect all branches of the military, but the revere the Marine Corps. The Marines can do no wrong. The hushed, solemn tones they use when they say "Semper Fi" or "Ooh. Rah." which they do more frequently than you would imagine, is nauseating.

It really is the worst show on television.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

This show has certainly been on forever and provided Mark Harmon with a nice lifetime salary. I've never watched it, not even once, and your post today shows me that it was a wise decision. Thanks!

Alive in Sweden said...

Thanks for this. I’m “trying” to watch an episode and I have seriously no clue what’s going on. It’s like a strange foreign language - nothing makes sense.

Ejf said...

Terrible writing from pulling up to a diner full of gun toting criminals without a baracade to jimmy and Casey talking back to gun men. Never worhappen, maybe the writers should watch a couple of seasons of Chicago PD

Just garbage unprofessional federal agents that act like highschool kids

Ejf said...

They should look back to when Catlyn was there and see how it has charged the worst.

tuxedomask33 said...

Thanks for articulating some of the things I loathe about this show. I've only seen snippets of it in the break room etc, but it just seems like made-for-tv 50+ white dude macho drivel. Formulaic af and the characters are at best boring and come off as caricatures of people. Hot garbage. They should do a crossover with Horatio from CSI: Miami. Very much the same vein.

PeaceMessage said...

And don't leave out the weirdly inexplicable "meaningful looks" and smirks. I mean, sometimes "Gibbs" looks like he is having a dementia moment, smirking or staring, about what god only knows. Just absolutely awful, everything about this show sucks. But I would agree the Gibbs Worship is the probably the number one most irritating thing, if I had to pick just one. Aside from watching snips of it here and there while channel cruising, I gave this show a one episode (the first one) chance...ugh. It's just jaw-droppingly horrible. And yet, it ran how many seasons? Sheesh!

Anonymous said...

This is absolutely wrong, first off you can't judge a show by articles and maybe watching one season second, it is absolutely amazingly written and when Gibbs says it's a crime scene then everyone is a suspect and therfore can't go anywhere. Also people like Gibbs because he is respectable and kind, If you actually watched the show you would know that, people love he character because of his tough love. This article is an absolute shame when you haven't even seen the shoew!

Anonymous said...

Also don't make an article to talk about how trash a show is when all you want is the clout.

Anonymous said...

lmao the writers for the show should watch a few episodes of Criminal Minds if they want to know how to write a crime show

Anonymous said...

NCIS is the best show dammit

TeresaM said...

Hubby watches this show and thinks it's great, also because of the female characters.

Didn't like David McCallum as an actor years ago and Michael Weatherly names him as a mentor.
He had a guest spot in Major Crimes and tried too hard to be funny.
Don't think there is any real chemistry between them.

Unknown said...

The unbelievable characters used to be entertaining. Not anymore. Gibbs is just a grumpy old man, sexy Kate and Ziva are just memories and Tim is stupid enough to think he can stop jets with his pistol (Gibbs shoots Tim for this, but damn it, he lives). I really did like this show until the Ziva character left. It's been horrible and just plain stupid since. Yet, CBS cancels MOM which actually improved when the teenager, oops, I mean the 40 something Christy left the show.

Ben said...

Thank you for your post. I just watched my first NCIS ever, accidentally, some show which involved a scavenger hunt in New Orleans that I would describe further but my brain would start to hurt.

Needless to say, I was wondering "what the hell is this crap" and I Googled "Is NCIS the worst show on Television" -- and that was obviously an Online-Marketing-Optimized search perfect for an article entitled "Why NCIS is the Worst Show on Television."

You've sated me. Great thanks.

Unknown said...

Network TV during the summer months is always painful. I just finished watching an episode of NCIS for the first time, as there was nothing else on. I have a leg injury so getting up and out of the chair is next to impossible for the next few days, the remote was across the room (this is MY excuse.) Then I googled "why does NCIS suck so bad?" Many comments, most of them I agreed with! Read this blog and save yourself some time that you'll never get back if you choose to watch even 10 minutes of this drivel.

Anonymous said...

YES.. I used to think that My ADD was acting up when I didnt understand anything! :_)

Anonymous said...

Absolutely horrible! The acting and jokes are ridiculous. I feel so second hand embarrassed for anyone who would ever defend the show by calling it acceptable to watch

Anonymous said...

Absolutely horrid show. From it's beginning in another duzey (JAG) which itself was conceived from A Few Good Men and Top Gun has sucked from day one.

Same, overused plots and MO (hero worship - Gibbs/Harm...) and then let's take it exponentially and position a NCIS bureau in a city near you and rerun the plots again and again...


Nathan Skiles said...

Thank you for saying what I've been feeling since the first time I was flipping it through channels and came across it. The acting is horrible the script is horrible the storyline horrible. It's just horrible all of it. There are so many crime dramas (SVU and all the other Law and Orders, Chicago PD, Etc) youd think there are several just as bad, but no its all by itself. The others can get annoying but they're w watchable. As soon as NCIS. Not ncis. As soon as it comes on
i change and i feem my mood getting worse..

Unknown said...

Networks always keep horrible shows on for 19 seasons. Get a life

Unknown said...

show is awful. So awful that i actually googled "why is ncis so terrible". Which led me here

1badjesus said...

"Not anymore, admiral. Your ship is my crime scene now!" 100% PURE.. comedy gold! It's currently 3:27am in Los Angeles and I'm watchin dude from Quantum Leap (Scott Bakula? can't believe i remembered that) in Season 224 of NCIS. I suffer from insomnia and our TV is broke hence receives only TBS signal.. and TBS hosts an NCIS Marathon EVERY night. Every.. night. ANYWAY... i googled something like "NCIS terrible" and this site was #3 or #4. So i clicked on it and started to read THEE most hysterical review EVER! Happy to see other like minded folks exist. What confounds me is the popularity of the show.. i mean.. who is it written for? ..Americans who moved to Puerto Rico at the age of 2 and never returned? Regardless I'm a fan of this vlog/site and wanna thank you for the desperately needed laughter you brought me tonight. THANK YOU.