Tuesday, March 31, 2020

People Who Are Helping

These people are helping by thinning the herd.

1. Jonathon Shuttlesworth
Jonathan Shuttlesworth – Calvary Cathedral International
Pastor says only “sissies” & “pansies” wash their hands to prevent coronavirus

I got to tell ya, anyone who takes advice from a pastor who uses terms like "sissies" and "pansies" well, I don't really think the world would miss them if they were to die from taking that advice.

“If you’re putting out pamphlets and telling everybody to use Purell before they come into the sanctuary and don’t greet anyone, you should just turn in your ministry credentials and burn your church down — turn it into a casino or something,” he said. “You’re a loser. Bunch of pansies. No balls. Got neutered somewhere along the line and don’t even realize it.”

Yes, only a "pansy" would use hand sanitizer to kill a deadly virus. Real men shoot the virus off od their hands with a .45!

He also said that coronavirus prevention measures are the work of the devil.
“Let me tell you if the devil doesn’t want there to be mass gatherings — it’s time to hold mass gatherings. If I lived in Italy I would call an open-air crusade to pray for the sick. If you have to go to jail, go to jail.”

Wow. Where to begin?
Okay, first of all, the Coronavirus protection measures have been endorsed by his Holiness Pope Francis, so I'm not really sure how you come up with this "work of the devil" nonsense. What are you basing that on? Oh, nothing! Right!

And to take this absurd premise that preventing disease and death is something that the devil came up with, and build on that shabby rickety foundation an argument for defying both the law and common sense, I'm guessing they didn't teach logic or critical thinking at wherever you got your divinity degree. Did they by any chance teach any science at that school?

While he rejects a science-based approach to coronavirus prevention, he did say last week that there is something that will protect America from the disease: Donald Trump’s policy towards Israel.

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“They can say whatever they want, he honored Israel. Obama honored the enemies of Israel; Trump honors Israel, and it’s a massive difference,” Shuttlesworth said.

Oh yeah. That makes sense. That explains why there were so many more coronavirus deaths during the Obama administration than under Cheeto Mussolini. It all adds up.

Trump honors Israel, and it’s a massive difference. And because of that, I predict America will be minimally affected by coronavirus,” Shuttlesworth said.

Ah, okay. Well, let's see. This article was published on March 12. It is now March 31. Let's see how that prediction is holding up. . .

Coronavirus live updates: More Americans have now died in pandemic than on 9/11

John Bacon

Block gif's from 3rd party sites? | NodeBB

Okay, so that's who this Rev. Shuttlecock is. But how is he helping to thin the herd? Glad you asked!

Pastor: Despite COVID-19, I’m Planning a “Woodstock”-Like Easter Gathering

George Harrison Laughing GIF - GeorgeHarrisonLaughing ...

Oh yeah! I'm sure it will be just like Woodstock!

Janisjoplin #Laughing GIF by Janis Joplin - Find & Share on GIPHY

Let's see. Woodstock was "3Days of Peace and Music" with some of the finest musicians of that or any era. A weekend of peace, love, sex, drugs and rock&roll.
Your thing is going to be what, 3 Days of Praying and self-flagellation? A weekend of celibacy, sobriety and Christian Contemporary music?

I’m gonna announce it… We’re gonna hold an outdoor Easter blowout service. Not online. A national gathering. You come from all over, like Woodstock. And we’re gonna gather and lift up Jesus Christ.

Yeah, you're gonna lift up Jesus Christ. Why do these epeople think that Jesus Christ needs them to lift him up? Isn't he already in Heaven? Is there some higher level that he could get to? And it's not like he needs them to be his publicists. He's pretty much the most famous person in history no matter what John Lennon thinks.
But yeah, you're gonna be lifting up Jesus Christ. Anf you're gonna be sending a whole bunch of your gullible rube followers to meet him prematurely. And I gotta say, I have no objection.

Rev. Jonathon Shutter Island is helping to thin the herd with his brain-dead insane mania for defying basic safety procedures.
Tomorrow: More people who are helping to thin the herd.

Friday, March 27, 2020

Five Coronavirus-related observations

It has been pointed out many times by many people that Trump supporters are akin to a cult. But now we have this, which is about as close as you can get to literally drinking the Kool-Aid.

Fearing coronavirus, Arizona man dies after taking a form of chloroquine used to treat aquariums

Man dies after taking chloroquine phosphate in effort to prevent coronavirus

"Trump kept saying it was basically pretty much a cure," the woman whose husband died told NBC.

Yup! Don't listen to your doctor. Don't listen to the CDC or the NIH. Don't listen to any scientists or medical experts. Just listen to the Great Leader who knows all! Oh, listening to the Great Leader got you killed? Well, that's just inexplicable! You must havenot followed his instructions correctly. The Leader is never wrong!~

Bart Simpson Episode 13 GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Good news, though. If you want to be safe from the Corona virus, there is a very simple way to protect yourself. Just get a job at Hobby Lobby!


Yes, Mrs Hobby Lobby heard a voice say three words.( And they weren't "Empty, Hollow and Thud".)
Those words were "Guide, Guard and Groom" which is pretty much what pedophiles do to their victims, but it may surprise you to learn that the voice she was hearing was God's! I know! What are the odds, right? And you know that when God has an important message to share with one of his favorite corporate entities, he's not gonna just come out and say "I, the Lord thy god, command you to keep your business open, for the people of this nation shall need their gewgaws and knick-knacks in this time of trial. And Lo, I shall extend my hand of protection over thy dumbass business, even though I apparently can't be bothered to do the same for Italian doctors. For verily I say unto thee, I can only be in one place at atime. I can't protect everyone. I have to pick my battles, and clearly a shop specializing in cheap cheezy decor must take priority. I am the Lord."
No, obviously he's not gonna do that. Of course he's going to whisper three alliterative words that could be interpreted to mean pretty much anything you want. That's how the omnipotent omniscient ruler of the universe operates. It's pretty standard procedure for a deity. If you were a god, you'd do the same.
Anyway, apparently Hobby Lobby is going to remain open and oh, by the way, they do not offer paid sick leave to hourly employees. Because Jesus, I guess!

Was Jesus Married? Did Jesus Have Siblings? | Bible Questions

He who believeth in me shall never be sick, but shall have eternal life peddling trinkets and doodads to rubes and rednecks!

It really is astonishing how quickly the right-wing narrative re: Coronavirus has moved from "Pscht! It's no big deal" to "Yeah, some people are just going to have to die to keep the Dow from falling." With stops along the way at "We, the most incompetent administration in history, have it handled" and "it's all China's fault!"

I think the first person I heard suggesting that senior citizens be sacrificed on the altar or Wall Street was Texas' Lt Governor Dan Patrick.

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick suggests he, other seniors willing to die to get economy going again

“No one reached out to me and said, 'As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that America loves for its children and grandchildren?' And if that is the exchange, I'm all in,” Patrick said.

Yeah, weird that. So strange that no one reached out to you to ask whether you'd be willing to die so that the economy can do better. I mean, who would even have the authority to ask that? Is there someone who is the head of the who lives and who dies commission that would be reaching out to septugenearians  asking for voulunteers to throw themselves into the volcano to appease the NASDAQ gods?
Also, no you fucking wouldn't, Dan. It's real easy to say that knowing that you will never be asked to make that sacrifice. It's like me saying "if I had been around during World War II, I totally would have snuck into Germany and killed Hitler." Because obviously, no one is ever going to say "okay, here's a plane ticket to Frankfurt, good luck and Godspeed!"

But since Patrick's appearance, other right-wing ghouls have jumped on the "let the oldies die" bandwagon.

Again ,easy to say. Easy to say "I'd happily die" knowing that you won't ever be asked to.

Former Wells Fargo CEO wants

Americans back to work next month:

‘Some may even die, I don’t know’

Some may.

Not me of course.

Or anyone I care about.

But you know, if a few thousand commoners have to die, they have to die!

The important thing is my stock portfolio shouldn't suffer.

It only took Cheeto Mussolini 3 years to turn the USA into a third-world country.

U.S. Appeals to Aid Recipients for Help in Fighting Coronavirus

The U.S. State Department is instructing its top diplomats to press governments and businesses in Eastern Europe and Eurasia to ramp up exports and production of life-saving medical equipment and protective gear for the United States, part of a desperate diplomatic campaign to fill major shortcomings in the U.S. medical system amid a rising death toll from the new coronavirus.

Alibaba's Jack Ma Sends Boxes of Coronavirus Test Kits and Masks to U.S.

In his first tweet, Ma posted photos of a China Eastern Airlines plane with boxes of coronavirus test kits and face masks slated to be shipped and donated to the U.S. from Shanghai.

That's right. We are a charity case. People are now donating medical supplies TO THE US! Partly because President McCheese invoked the Defense Production Act but doesn't seem to realize that the act gives him the authority to compel US companies to produce needed supplies. He apparently still thinks that he needs to insult companies on Twitter to get them to do what he wants.

Also because, depending on which FOX show he watched most recently, Orange Julius Caesar sometimes doesn't believe that we actually need a bunch of ventilators and my believe that we already have all the necessary tests.

‘I don’t believe you need 40,000 or 30,000 ventilators’: Trump questions New York’s plea for critical equipment

“I have a feeling that a lot of the numbers that are being said in some areas are just bigger than they’re going to be,” Trump told Fox News host Sean Hannity in a phone interview. “I don’t believe you need 40,000 or 30,000 ventilators. You know, you go into major hospitals sometimes they’ll have two ventilators, and now all of a sudden they’re saying, ‘Can we order 30,000 ventilators?’”

Facepalm GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY
Yeah, if you only need two when there is no pandemic, how can you need so many more when there is a pandemic? The only difference is the pandemic!

Anyone Who Wants a Coronavirus Test Can Have One, Trump Says. Not Quite, Says His Administration.

Key officials in recent days have corrected or clarified the president, who has sought to project calm as the coronavirus continues to spread in the United States.

"Anybody that needs a test gets a test; they're there, they have the tests, and the tests are beautiful," Trump told reporters during the visit
"The tests are all perfect, like the letter was perfect, the transcription was perfect, right?" he added later. "This was not as perfect as that, but pretty good."
Azar nodded at one point as the president noted that "they're making millions more [tests] as we speak."
This virus is causing even the most hidebound organizations to make pretty radical changes.

I'm not Catholic, but I think if I was, I'd be pretty pissed. You mean to tell me I could have just been forgiven this whole time? No confession, no penance, no attending mass, just forgiven across the board? So I was doing all that shit for nothing?
I would be like Nicole Parker in Mad TV's Wizard of Oz sketch.

Monday, March 23, 2020

White House Press Corps Gets Boost of credibility

Remember when the Bush administration brought a gigilo/porn actor into the White House briefing room to pretend to be a reporter and lob softball questions at the podium? And that seemed like it was pretty much the rock-bottom nadir of GOP press relations? Like that was pretty much as bad as it could ever get?

This is worse.

The current administration has apparently credentialed one Chanel Rion (which is a porn name if ever I've heard one) from a news site called OAN.

OAN Reporter Chanel Rion Criticized For Asking Trump If ...

Chanel Rion pictured here making her serious journalist face.

So who is this Chanel Rion and what the hell is OAN? Hell if I know, let's find out!

Well, for a start, OAN apparently stands for One America News Network. I don't know where the other "N" went when they were crafting their acronym, but that's probably not important.

Their homepage looks fairly reasonable with headlines such as

President Trump To Deploy Military Hospital Ships To Calif., N.Y. Amid Surge Of COVID-19 Cases

Sen. Rand Paul Tests Positive For COVID-19, Colleagues Weighing Options On How To Combat Spread Of Virus


Labor Shortages Pose Problem For Food Supply Chain

And honestly, the articles under those headlines are pretty straightforward, not weird or crazy at all. But then there's this recent incident in Florida:

Judge Judy Facepalm GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

Oh, fer the love of. . .

This country is so screwed. When we have elected officials, people in positions of responsibility, who are so profoundly stupid, so pathetically credulous that they would publicly recommend that people fight a virus by scalding their nasal membranes. I mean -- There's no coming back from this. I mean, it would be bad enough if your dumbest Fox-watching uncle believed this nonsense, but this guy is in a position of authority. I know it's just some county in Florida, but I guarantee you that every county commission, every small-town  city council, every local school board has at least one Bryant Culpepper serving on it. Hell, we've got several in Congress!

Rep. Louie Gohmert says he’s been told he’s ‘being ...
Rep. Steve King crossed the line on race by using a ...
How James Inhofe Snowballed the EPA | The New Republic

But, to be fair, OAN did post this on their front page:

Fla. Official Falsely Claims OAN Hailed Hair Dryer As COVID-19 Cure

. . . the official claimed he saw this debunked method on One America News. However, OAN staffers have conducted a thorough review of content, including on-air and on the internet, and have found no association with Culpepper’s remarks.

So who knows? I'm sure as hell not sifting through all their content to try and find out who's lying.

Anyway, they seem on the surface to be a reasonable if conservative-leaning news site.

On the other hand, they employ Ms Chanel Rion.

Who seems like a fucking nut.

I went to her Twitter, this is her pinned Tweet:

I guess someone should have told her at some point that Japanese hegemony over Korea ended with Japan's defeat in World War II. The Korean War had nothing to do with Japan.

Also this:

Image result for oh wow veep gif

Pkay, first of all, the guy she's citing as a "monitored source" appears to be one of the astronauts from the movie 22001 A Space Oddessy.

Alao, what the hell is a "monitored source?" She also refers to him as a "citizen investigator" which is generally a fancy way of saying conspiracy theorist, but a "monitored source amongst a certain set of the DC inrelligence community?" That's not a real thing, is it? I mean, I guess it could mean that the NSA is keeping tabs on him because he's one Q-anon post away from sending pipe bombs to congressmen, but other than that, I have no clue.

But I lookes him up and this is the kind of "investigations" he does:

Ah, yes.
We all know just how much Diane Feinstein whose net worth is estimated at around $80 million looooves Communism!
Also, who tipped her off? She's a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee. It's not exactly a mystery how she could possibly have gotten some sort of inside info. (For the record, I do not know what she knew ahead of time or what stock transactions she did or didn't make, but I sure wouldn't put a bit of insider trading past her)

Also, it looks like it's pretty easy to be a "citizen investigator." You just reference the name of someone in the government and then go ". . . TREASON?"

So, yeah, if this guy is your source, I gotta think you're doing some pretty solid investigative journalism there, Chanel.

Oh, and this is getting a bit off topic, but this Tweet just made me laugh.

Have you ever seen someone who is a cocaine user? They tend to be pretty high-energy. They don't schlub around like cartoon invertebrates, drawling out every word sounding like a 45 rpm record played at 33+1/3.

Mitch McConnell Appears to Be a Racist and the USA Needs ...

Anyway, here she is pushing the "fake news" bullshit narrative:

So, if I have this straight, CNN reported that a national "curfew" was being discussed / considered at the White House. Chanel says this is false because . . . the WHITE HOUSE, who lies constantly about everything, says it wasn't true.

Martin Scorsese GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

Okay, so it makes total sense that this lady is a credentialed White House reporter. I'm sorry I ever questioned it!

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Good News, Everyone!

Image result for good news everyone gif

We no longer need to worry about the Corona Virus!

Christian pastor Shawn Bolz: 'Lord showed me the end of the coronavirus'

Caleb Parke
By Caleb Parke | Fox News

Hey, if you can't trust Fox News .com/faith, who can you trust?

Shawn Bolz, a Christian pastor in Los Angeles who teaches about listening to God, has good news to share about the coronavirus.
He prophesied about the virus, which has sickened 91,000 people worldwide and caused more than 3,000 deaths, declaring "the tide is turning now!"

Um, if you're talking about a thing that is happening NOW. . . that ain't prophesying, butch. That's just talking.

"We're going to see it come to an end," Bolz told Fox News.

Good point. It is going to come to an end. The science people are going to develop a vaccine or a cure and we're all going to lock ourselves in our homes for a couple weeks and eventually this pandemic will be no more. It will end as all things end. Still don't really think this counts as prophecy. I mean, if that counts as a prophecy, then I am declaring myself a prophet because I am prediciting right now that baseball will once again be played in America. Eventually. I HAVE SPOKEN!

"I do believe it's the answer to prayer, with people of every type, Catholics and Christians. . .

Ohhh, hold on a minute there. Let's just unpack that statement for a second. Okay, to begin with, yes. Obviously there are only two types of people in the world - Catholics and Christians. And obviously Catholics are different from Christians because they worship, um . . . Christ. But a different guy who also just coincidentally happened to be named Christ? Okay, never mind., That all checks out. Please continue.

"I do believe it's the answer to prayer, with people of every type, Catholics and Christians, we can't afford a moment of darkness in history," he added. "God has a plan."

We  certainly can not afford a moment of darkness at this point in our history. That's not in dispute. So it's a good thing that God has a plan that so far has only involved about  2,500 deaths in Italy, 500 deaths in Spain, and 100 so far in the US! (plus a few thousand in the heathen countries, but it's not like God can be expected to listen to their prayers!)

Bolz counts himself among many Christians who hear God, including Vice President Mike Pence, Gov. Mike Huckabee, Justin Bieber, Chris Pratt, Denzel Washington, and Oprah Winfrey, who recently shared how hearing words from her pastor, Wintley Phipps, guided her career over the last 30 years.

Okay, this is a bit off-topic, but I'm pretty sure that Oprah's pastor has convinced her that he is God?

That never ends badly!

Image result for branch davidians

The founding pastor of Expression 58 was at a national event in South Africa Friday,During the event, Bolz prophesied to several people, including one person who recently finished treatment for cancer. Calling out details like names, children and profession, he told him the cancer would not come back and that he would live a long life and see his kids grow up. 

Jesus Christ! This is the dame schtick that Criswell used to pull. Make a prediction that won't be proven true or false until way off in the future, then take a bow and declare that you have prophesied and there's certainly no reason to doubt that it will come true! People are really still falling for this? You want to be a prophet? Prophesy about something that's going to happen later this afternoon. If it comes true, we can talk.

Bolz also said a number of significant miracles happened.

Image result for of course!

Right, sure, of course! No need to provide, say, a video clip of said miracles or even a general description of what they were. I mean, did you heal the sick? Raise the dead? Make the little girls talk out of their heads?

"I just felt like the tide is turning shortly -- whether it's two weeks or two months -- God cares about this," Bolz explained. "He's answering prayer and I saw two vaccines coming. I think one will come from Israel and another from an Asian nation, and they're going to hit pretty quickly."

Oh, yeah. I can see how much he cares about this because it's only been a problem since January and now he's going to maybe do something about it within like 2 months. I mean, he's obviously got a lot on his plate right now.
And vaccines being created in Israel and "an Asian nation" would obviously be the work of the Lord, not of Israeli and Asian scientists or anything!

Bolz said he later heard from a pastor from China that Wuhan, the province where the virus originated, is a place with many Christian missionaries who have been praying for revival for the past 100 years. 

I said "REVIVAL," not "Re-VIRUS!" Clean out your ears, God!

Monday, March 16, 2020

Corona Virus Lady Bingeing

Since we're being told to stay in our homes as much as possible, and since it is Women's History Month and since I totally missed Día Internacional de la Mujer, I thought I would try to combine all these recent events and present. . .

Lady-Centric Shows to Binge-Watch on Netflix


Derry Girls
Derry Girls Rip Poster Official Licensed 24x36"

The story of 4 teenaged Irish Catholic Girls (and James, who is a "dick") growing up during the "troubles" in Northern Ireland. Might be somewhat offensive to any super devout Catholics, but pretty much safe to enjoy in mixed company for everyone else.

Workin' Moms

Image result for workin' Moms poster

Created, written by and starring Catherine Reitman (daughter of Ivan), this show is a humorous look at the difficulties faced by new mothers returning to the workplace. This show does get quite a bit, um, bawdy, you might say? There is some occasional nudity, but interestingly enough, the nudity is never done for any reason other than to get a laugh. It's never erotic or prurient. In fact, this show might do more to de-sexualize / de-stigmatize the female nipple than any other endeavour. Probably wouldn't want to watch this with your kids or your parents.

Lady Dynamite

Image result for lady dynamite poster

It's not a great show, but Maria Bamford is so good, just really really good, that it doesn't matter that much that the supporting characters are mostly annoying. She's just great. Of course, Bamford is one of my favorite comics, so if you're not as big a Bamford fan as I am, this may not be your best bet. Don't watch with anyone who has a problem with a lot of four-letter words.


Good Girls

Image result for good girls poster

This is actually a network show (NBC, I think) but the first two seasons are on Netflix. It's the story of three women, all desperate foir money for various reasons, who rob a grocery store. Then things quickly spin out of control as they are drawn deeper and deeper into a life of crime. It's the Breaking Bad formula, but funny. Great cast, too: Mad Men's Christina Hendriucks, Parks & Rec's Rhetta, Arrested Development's Mae Whitman, It's Always Sunny's David Hornsby, The Bridge's Matthew Lillard, etc.
It's made for network TV, so it's fairly appropriate family viewing.

Last Tango in Halifax

Image result for last tango in halifax poster

Two women from very different walks of life are thrown together when one's father begins dating the other's mother. It's a love-hate relationship that gradually trends more toward the love side as the two parents get engaged and everyone is becoming family. It's funny, it's sad in parts, it's a beautiful love story except when it isn't. And the cast is amazing. It's a master class in acting. Sarah Lancashire from Happy Valley and Nicola Walker form Unforgotten play the warring soon-to-be stepsisters. Created by Sally Wainwright who also did Happy Valley (see below)
(Unforgotten would have made the list, except that of the two main characters, only one is a lady-type person. But it's definitely worth watching too)



Marianne Poster

(In French, with English subtitles)
As a young girl, Emma had recurring nightmares about a witch named Marianne. When she grew up, she turned those dreams into a series of successful horror books. Now it seems that maybe Marianne wasn't a figment of her dreams after all!
Too scary for children, but fine for teens and up I would think.

Cop Shows/Mysteries

Happy Valley

Image result for happy valley poster

A cop trying to track down a kidnapper who may have been the man who raped her daughter and fathered her grandson while dealing with difficult family dynamics. About as dark as it sounds, not for kids.

Dicte: Crime Reporter

Dicte: Crime Reporter Poster

(In Danish with English subtitles)

here's tne imdb description: Dicte is a dedicated reporter and refuses to give up before she has her story. Her stubbornes gives her problems immediately with the policeman John Wagner, and they often get into clashes with each other.

Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries

Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries Poster

Phrynie Fisher is a thouroughly modern woman with enough money to not have to live by 1920's society's standards. She solves murders while living the adventurous life of a roaring 20's flapper in Melbourne, Australia. Light-hearted, nothing graphic, fun for the whole family.

The Bletchley Circle

The Bletchley Circle Poster

A group of British women who had worked as codebreakers during World War II turn detective. I don't remember a lot of the details, but I know we loved season one. The main character doesn't return for season 2, so we didn't like it as much, but it was still good.


Marcella is listed (or ranked) 36 on the list The Best Crime TV Shows on Netflix Instant

A cop on the verge of a nervous breakdown investigates a murder which might possibly have been committed by her.


Call The Midwife

Call the Midwife Poster

You all know how much I love Call the Midwife. What else could I possibly say about this brilliant show that I haven't already said? Binge watch this sucker ASAP!

I know there are probably several I've forgotten, but we have free HBO for one more day and I need to finish the last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm., so I gotta go. Happy bingeing!

Thursday, March 5, 2020

Things I learned on Twitter

I'm not quitting the blog. I've just been super busy lately. Hopefully regular posting will resume in the near future. But today, I present Things I Learned on Twitter:

!. Bill Clinton just doesn't know when to let things go.

You know, Bill, no one was wondering. No one is sitting around in 2020, trying to decide between Bernie and Joe and thinking "Gee, I wonder why Bill Clinton decided to get his dick sucked in the Oval Office?" First of all, because all of us who happen to have dicks have no problem understanding why you would want to get yours sucked pretty much anywhere, but especially in the Oval Office. That's not a mystery. We totally understand your motivation there. I'm a little confused about your motivation fro bringing it up now, though. Did you just get up in the morning and think :you know, I haven't humiliated Hillary publicly in a while, think I'll bring up my most famous infidelity in an interview!" Then you popped your head up and said "Hey, America, remember me? Remember that time I got my dick sucked in the Oval Office? That was a baller move, right?" I think I speak for most of America when I say we would like to go back to not having to think about you at all, and we would especially like to not have to keep feeling bad for Hillary.

2. There's a good chance that thi year, the choice for President will come down to a senile compulsive liar who's a Republican and a senile compulsive liar who's a Democrat.

Image result for 'Merica! gif

3. Men in the 1970's were apparently super weird about women's hands?

When you see a headline that reads "Things to do with your hands that men like," you're probably thinking "Yeah, I know what that one thing is." But apparently, you'd be wrong. 'Cuz there are like a hundred other things that men apparently used to want women to do with their hands.Some of them are a bit obvious, like "un-kink his tense neck muscles with a massage." I mean, sure. Who wouldn't enjoy that? Others a re just downright offensive like ". . .put cushions under his head and feet. Bring him a martini."Then there are some that are just bizarre.

Hand his orange juice to him while he's toweling off after the shower.

Yeah, that's the perfect time to hand someone a beverage, when he doesn't have a free hand. He'll think you're a lunatic.

Smash his goblet in the fireplace.

Okay, first of all, who has a goblet? What Medieval fortress are you living in that has goblets and fireplaces? And you know what, goblets aren't cheap. If someone threw my fancy-ass drinking vessel into the fireplace I would have a serious bone to pick with that person.I mean, why exactly am I supposed to enjoy this bit of senseless vandalism?

Section his grapefruit.

Oh yeah. Treat your man like an invalid or a toddler. Hey, maybe you can cut his meat for him too! And give him his beverage in a sippy cup (since you've already destroyed the glassware.)

Do needlepoint while he watches.

Is needlepoint code for some sort of naked activity? Or is your man just incredibly easily entertained and doesn't own a television, radio, or books?

Put your hands on his naked waist and stare at him.

Stare at him? He's naked, you're putting your hands on him, he's thinking there are good times ahead and then you just. . . stare at him? Are you trying to get him to have you committed?

Give him an egg shampoo

Right. . . I know there's nothing I enjoy more than when my wife cracks eggs onto my head and. . . I mean, I guess that's what an "egg shampoo" would be? Like washing one's hair with eggs instead of something that makes hair, you know, clean? Oh hell yeah, baby! Next could you rub raw bacon on my face and coat my skin in cake batter?

Now that egg shampoo thing might seem impossible to top, but what about this thing that us menfolk love for our womenfolk to do?

Make a sandwich out of him and two pillows. Your feast.

Image result for what the gif

Okay, I'll admit the "your feast" part sounds intriguing, but am I to be smothered between two pillows whilst the feasting is happening? Because I gotta say, that's. . . well, okay, it's not a deal breaker, but it sounds pretty awful.

And there are some that are even a bit insulting.

Pat his stomach and ask if there's any movement.

So, is she making fun of my pot belly? Like pretending that she thinks I'm pregnant? Because that is just rude. I have lost like 15 pounds already, I am doing my best! Nothing is ever good enough for you!

Put your fingertips across his mouth

Okay, I get it. You can just say "Shhh." Or "Not now, I'm watching my stories." You don't have to be a jerk about it!
Image result for shhh gif funny