Monday, January 30, 2012

How to tell when you've hit rock-bottom of patheticness. . .

. . .When you get pwned by Miss Piggy

Star Wars is Totally Gay!

Tony Perkins has a warning for you.

Surprise, surprise, it's a warning about something that will turn your kids gay!

Tony Perkins (Family Research Council) 
Tony Knows Gay!
So what is it this time?

Star Wars! 
Totally gay!

Specifically, some new online Star wars video game. I'll let him explain.
(via Raw Story)
“In a new Star Wars game, the biggest threat to the empire may be homosexual activists!” Perkins announced during his daily radio commentary. “In a galaxy not so far far away, Star Wars gamers have already gone to the dark side.
First, do we even have to point out that the Empire is evil? That the good guys in the Star Wars movies are fighting the evil Empire? So anything which is a threat to the Empire is  a good thing? 
I find your lack of a girlfriend disturbing!

So what is it about the new Star Wars game? Light sabres replaced by giant laser-penises? Star Wars theme replaced by show tunes? Do you have to score points by gay-sexing George Lucas? 
oh please, oh please oh please!

Oh, no. Nothing that innocuous. They have something much more insidious up their sleeves!

The new video game, Star Wars: The Old Republic, has added a special feature: gay relationships.”
And all the players will be forced into these gay relationships? Well, that does sound kinda wrong, if . . .I'm sorry I'm being told that no one will be forced into anything. Apparently, in these huge multi-player online games it is possible to have virtual relationships with other players, and the new Star wars game may have it possible for two players of the same gender to form one of these fake relationships if that's what they're into. That's it. 
Dude, I have so many on-line girlfriends.
Don't hate the playa, hate the game!

He continued: “On the game’s website, there are more than 300 pages of comments–a lot of them expressing anger that their kids will be exposed to this Star Warped way of thinking. 
Oh, I see what you did there! Star Warped! What a clever man you must be!
You can join them by logging on and speaking up. It’s time to show companies who the Force is really with!”  
Heh, heh, I mean Jesus! Show them who Jesus is with! 

Of course, this is a bogus claim also, as Raw Story points out:

A quick search of Bioware’s forum shows that there are probably not “300 pages of comments” on the topic — and very few if any of the commenters were “angry” about the idea. In fact, most players were more concerned that the featured had not already been released
Although, to be fair, it's kind of hard to make heads or tails of comments like:
I do realize how my shooting through the ranks Jedi Sentinel would miss out on Kira regardless. I also kind of want to see Mako, if she's really a good male option (she's young-acting enough that I wonder if it can be done well), become a s/s option for everyone, but understand what that means for my friend who's a Smuggler right now. 

 Although, some comments are written in Earth language and they tend to be along these lines:
Of course we want same sex romances and having romance option with Khem Val on SI.
I would also like to see more variability in the romance options. I mean, this isn't 1952 anymore. If it chaps someone who cares?  

If you don't want the same sex content, don't choose those chat options. It's quite simple and pretty damn selfish for people to say it shouldn't be included.
I gave the forum the quick once-over and I didn't see any commenters who seemed to be at all angry about the new same-sex option.
So, I guess my main question for Tony Perkins is what exactly is the threat here? Are you worried that gamers are going to discover that gayness is a thing that exists and then, what, want to try it out? And then they'll turn gay and it will all be Star Wars' fault? And then when they're all gay, they won't want to send their hard-earned money in to the Family Research Coun. . .that's it isn't it? That's the only thing that makes sense. Because it can't honestly make any difference to you whether computer game players like boobies or not, can it? That couldn't possibly affect you. But if people maybe don't want to send money in to anti-gay hate groups, well that could be a problem for someone like you. 

Well I say put gay features in all video games! Seriously, if you could turn on-line role-playing gamers gay, at least they'd have a chance to have sex sometime in their lives. 'Cause God knows they aren't getting girlfriends!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Is it Caturday?

I don't even know what day it is right now. I've been working the overnight shift the last couple weeks and my internal clock is all messed up (hence my spotty posting lately)

Just to be on the safe side, cats: 

And non-cats: 

There, I should be covered either way.

New Hampshire has Idiots in Positions of Responsibility Too.

Apparently, some lawmakers in New Hampshire think it ought to be a bit more difficult to arrest a man for domestic violence.
(via the Concord Monitor)
House Bill 1581 would turn the clock back 40 years to an age when a police officer could not make an arrest in a domestic violence case without first getting a warrant unless he or she actually witnessed the crime. 

So, a cop shows up at the house, sees the wife with a black eye and the husband with bruised knuckles, he can't just go around making arrests willy-nilly. He's got to leave the scene, leave the victim there with her abuser, go find a judge, swear out a warrant and come back to make the arrest? And that seems reasonable to whatever psycho wrote this bill?
And that psycho would be one Representative Daniel Itse, who proudly proclaims on his website that he:

Will protect New Hampshire families even when

it is not politically correct.

Apparently, for Mr. Itse, "families" does not include "wives." Because they would not really be protected so much under his bill.

Of course, Mr. Itse has family values. His website has a list of some of his core values:

Dan’s core beliefs by which he will represent Rockingham District 9 are as follows:
1. Self-government (self-control and personal responsibility) is the foundation of our constitutional republic.
2. My first job as a State Representative is to protect you [sic]rights from the government.
(emphasis in original)
Including your right to not be protected from domestic abuse.
Then there's also HB1608:

House Bill 1608 would also almost certainly cost lives. It removes judicial discretion by severely restricting when someone who has violated a domestic violence protective order can be arrested to three offenses: committing an act of abuse or an offense against the person named in the protective order, or engaging in prohibited contact.
The bill would also, law enforcement believes, remove a judge's ability to order a defendant in a domestic violence case to relinquish weapons or prevent him or her from purchasing a gun. It would also eliminate law enforcement's ability to arrest a defendant who threatens to use physical force against a victim or her children. All are changes that could have deadly consequences and make life more frightening for abuse victims and their families.

The psycho who introduced this bill is one Mr. Skip Reilly, about whom I couldn't really find out very much, he doesn't seem to have a website. So I'm going to go ahead and assume that this is a fair depiction: 

Update: Bill 1608 was rejected in committee, due partly to the fact that bill sponsor Skip Reilly failed to show up for the hearing. ( 

Me no have alarm clock!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Oklahoma Continues to Lead the Field in Protecting Us From Imaginary Threats


A bill introduced in the Oklahoma Legislature: “No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.”

Still technically legal  in Oklahoma:

Feeding human fetuses to animals
Feeding mis-carried human fetuses to people
Soylent Green

Jones and Jools

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Tennessee Teabaggers About as Weird and Awful as One Might Expect

The Tennessee Tea Parties are issuing a set of demands for the teaching of history in TN.

(Via the Memphis Commercial Appeal)

NASHVILLE — Members of Tennessee tea parties presented state legislators with five priorities for action Wednesday, including “rejecting” the federal health reform act, establishing an elected “chief litigator” for the state and “educating students the truth about America.”

Wait. Chief Litigator? Does Tennessee not have an Attorney General? Isn't that what a "chief litigator" is?!/img/httpImage/image.jpg 

All Currently Available
Regarding education, the material they distributed said, “Neglect and outright ill will have distorted the teaching of the history and character of the United States. We seek to compel the teaching of students in Tennessee the truth regarding the history of our nation and the nature of its government.”

Okay, that sounds reasonable. But of course, you know it won't be.

That would include, the documents say, that “the Constitution created a Republic, not a Democracy.”
Um, everyone already knows that. Are they worried that Tennesseeans are going to try to vote directly for laws rather than electing representatives to . . . oh, forget it. It doesn't matter. The real point is their demands re: history textbooks.

The material calls for lawmakers to amend state laws governing school curriculums, and for textbook selection criteria to say that “No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership.”
Sure, sure, it's important to be sure that those pesky minorities don't get too much ink. Although, apparently, it's okay if it's a minority experience which did not actually occur?

Fayette County attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s lead spokesman during the news conference, said the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.

Intruding on the Indians? Intruding? What did the pilgrims walk in on them in the bathroom? 
I don't know which is worse, that the attempted genocide of Native Americans would be considered a mere "intrusion" or that criticizing said genocide would be considered "made-up criticism." Oh, and also slavery is totally made up. None of the Founding Fathers ever had any slaves. You could look it up! But don't.

Monday, January 23, 2012

R.I.P. Etta James

The legendary Ms Etta James went on to the great concert hall in the sky a couple days ago.

I saw here back in 1986 at the San Fransisco Blues Festival, and she would have torn the roof off the place, had the show been indoors. Buddy Guy and Junior Wells joined her backup band along with Ms Katie Webster on piano. It was such an amazing set that Albert King could not follow her. My friend and i started heading for our car during his set. Later we felt shitty about it when we were informed that he was dying of cancer, which might have affected his performance.
Anyway, Etta James was one of the greatest singers of all time. I don't know that anyone ever matched the sheer power of her voice. She will be missed.

What Have I Missed?

Let's see, what have I missed being offline for the last several days?

Gingrich Wins South Carolina Primary

Hmm, South Carolina prefers the arrogant Southern blowhard to the arrogant Yankee blowhards? What a scoop!

 Jan 22, 2012

American Idol Auditions 3: On An Aircraft Carrier


What better platform from which to jump a shark?

Elder President Bush Saddened By Paterno’s Death

Wow, a member of America's worst family shows how cluelessly out of touch with reality he is? Stop the presses!

 In a statement Bush called Paterno “an outstanding American who was respected not only on the field of play but in life generally.”

You know, other than the looking the other way while little boys are being raped part, he was very highly respected. Because he won a lot of football games. Which is what's really important.

Let's see, what else. . . oh, someone invented a bear creepier than Pedo-Bear:

Cock-Blocking Bear strikes again!

Monday, January 16, 2012

technicaL difficulties

wi_fi wont cooperate.
this is all im gvoinvg to type on a phon e.
back soon

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Crazy Candidate of the Day

Well, it's election season again. Time for the crazy candidates to come out of the woodwork.

Today's crazy candidate is Alabama's Kathy Peterson, who is running for some position that they have in Alabama.

If elected, Ms Peterson will prevent the EPA from eliminating people to create their "perfect world," because that's what the EPA does. They eliminate people. They're like a combination of the CIA and the Mafia, basically, with a little Batman Villain thrown in.
What Alabama needs is business-type people in charge of its public service commission, because public services just aren't being run profitably. So, if you live in Alabama, please consider Kathy Peterson. Don't make her husband come shoot you in your stupid, environment-loving face!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Well, it's about goddamn time!

How the Hell did it take this long?

Pat Buchanan out indefinitely at MSNBC

Why was Pat Buchanan ever on MSNBC to begin with? I could see the scumbags at FOX trotting him out, although I would think that even they might steer clear of him in order to protect their "we're not racist, but. . ." veneer. But MSNBC? It never did make any sense. I never got why Rachel Maddow, in particular, treats him like a curmudgeonly but lovable old uncle.

How is it that any legitimate outlet would keep trotting out a man who regularly says things like:

The poor homosexuals -- they have declared war upon nature, and now nature is extracting an awful retribution.
  --Pat Buchanan, discussing AIDS in 1983, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

There were no politics to polarize us then, to magnify every slight. The "negroes" of Washington had their public schools, restaurants, bars, movie houses, playgrounds and churches; and we had ours.
-- Pat Buchanan, when discussing race relations in the 1950s, in Right from the Beginning, Buchanan's 1988 autobiography, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

How, then, can the feds justify favoring sons of Hispanics over sons of white Americans who fought in World War II or Vietnam?
-- Pat Buchanan, discussing affirmative action, January 23, 1995, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

 Hitler's success was not based on his extraordinary gifts alone. His genius was an intuitive sense of the mushiness, the character flaws, the weakness masquerading as morality that was in the hearts of the statesmen who stood in his path.
-- Pat Buchanan, in a 1977 column, The Guardian, January 14, 1992, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

 Rail as they will about "discrimination," women are simply not endowed by nature with the same measures of single-minded ambition and the will to succeed in the fiercely competitive world of Western capitalism.
-- Pat Buchanan, November 22, 1983, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

 (all quotes VIA) 
Also this.

Somehow, MSNBC has felt okay about putting this man on its airwaves for years.

MSNBC’s Griffin apparently believes, however, that Buchanan’s newest work
has crossed a line. 

Ohhhhh. Crossed a line. Where exactly was this line, because it seems like Buchanan hasn't seen that line in the rearview mirror for about a hundred miles.

So, apparently this "line" is situated somewhere between "I think [Barack Obama]'s affirmative action all the way." and "Those who believe the rise to power of an Obama rainbow coalition of peoples of color means the whites who helped to engineer it will steer it are deluding themselves. The whites may discover what it is like to ride in the back of the bus."

Apparently, what it took for MSNBC to finally admit that Buchanan is a racist embarrassment to their network was for Pat to publish an entire book of his paranoid white-supremacist nightmares, and then for the "Color of Change" folks to spend like a year bringing this to their attention until they could finally deny it no longer. 

Oh, but don't worry, Grand Dragon Pat hasn't actually been fired, just "suspended indefinitely."

The network executive said that there has been no decision as to whether Buchanan will be allowed at any point to re-join the network’s political team. 

Which is sort of like an oncologist saying that he hasn't yet decided whether or not to put the tumor back in. 

To join Color of Change in demanding that MSNBC fire Buchanan, click here: 


Monday, January 9, 2012

Jonesuary Continues

We were at this show! If you listen closely, you can hear us clapping.

So, apparently pretty much anyone can issue an endorsement now.

The Duggars endorse Rick Santorum

Via POLITICO’s Maggie Haberman, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has picked up an endorsement from the Duggar family, famous for the TLC reality show “19 and Counting.”

Why would anyone think that the endorsement of this carnival sideshow of a family would be helpful? Is anyone having a hard time deciding on a candidate waiting for these weirdos to weigh in?
Oh, but what if Octomom endorses Romney? What if the women who didn't know they were pregnant throw their support behind Ron Paul? Or the 16 & Pregnant girls line up behind Rick Perry? 

And Santorum gets the endorsement of the entire Duggar family? Aren't most of them children? 

Although, to be fair, none of them are fetuses in Mason jars.

But really, what would go through the minds of these people to decide that " the people should know which assclown candidate our family has chosen."  Because who wouldn't seek guidance from a man who just keeps knocking up the wife again and again with no concern for her health whatsoever and a woman who believes that if the Good Lord has given you a vagina, you should use it to machine-gun fire as many Village of the Damned kids into the world as you possibly can until your last egg is spent. 
I'm waiting to see who the animal hoarders throw their support behind.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

A new civil rights hero!

Colorado high school senior Sydney Spies and her mother are fighting for her rights. Apparently her high school administration is being totally repressive and totally like, violating her rights and stuff. 
There's a bus. Just like Rosa Parks!
Yes she and her mother are out there fighting for freedom of the press and freedom of expression and really, just freedom in general.

So, what was the initial provocation, the violation of this young woman's rights which prodded her into taking a stand and saying "no more?"
A Colorado teenager whose yearbook picture was rejected for being too revealing is vowing to fight the ban with her high school’s administration

Yes. The administration decided it would not put this picture in the school yearbook:

Colorado Student Banned from Yearbook Over Racy Photo (ABC News)

Just because it looks like the cover of High School Lolitas IV.
“I feel like they aren’t allowing me to have my freedom of expression,” Spies told the Herald.  ”I think the administration is wrong in this situation, and I don’t want this to happen to other people.”

Other people. She selflessly thinks of other people at a time like this! Because if it can happen to her, what's to stop them from doing it to you? First they came for the hot chick, and I said nothing for I was neither hot nor a chick. . . 
Next thing you know, You won't be able to wear this dress to the prom!

Fortunately, she is not alone in this fight.

Spies was joined by her mother, Miki Spies, and a handful of fellow Durango High students and alumni in a protest outside the school Wednesday after, she said, administrators informed her the photo would not be permitted because it violated dress code.

Seriously? That's the mother's reaction? Not "put a shirt on, dear." or "let me explain why that sort of picture is inappropriate." No, her mother's reaction is to take time away from whatever she normally does all day to come down to the school to demand her daughter's right to portray herself as eye-candy. Watch out, Dina Lohan, there's a new candidate for mother of the century! 
Look at me! I'm famous! I mean my daughter's famous! I mean LOOK AT ME!

Prior to today’s meeting, the Spies family told local media they planned to meet with a civil lawyer in Denver to review their daughter’s case.

A lawyer. They're going meet with a layer over this issue. 
This generation has no future.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Good Job, Iowa!

This is the guy whose campaign you just resurrected.

Way to go. You just catapulted this vile, loathsome worm back into the national spotlight in all of his sex-obsessed glory.

Now, there's nothing necessarily wrong with being sex-obsessed. If you are say, Wilt Chamberlain or Ron Jeremy, or every teen-aged boy ever. But combine sex-obsession with a healthy dose of self-loathing and a double helping of Catholic Guilt, and you get shit like this:

“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country,”

People using contraception face the danger of not being impregnated or not exposed to HIV. Are you brave enough to take that risk?

“It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

ie, having sex without being punished for it?

It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal but also immunative but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen.

Yeah, I didn't know what the word "immunative" means either. In my defense, neither did Dictionary dot Com.  I did find a definition of sorts on Trade.Mar.Cx:

Pharmaceutical preparations in tablet and liquid form of the treatment of infectious diseases, namely bacteriae and fungus diseases; dietary preparations for use as nutritional food supplements; anti-fungal and antibacterial preparations in tablet and liquid form; antibacterial and anti-fungal wound dressings; antiseptics; medical plasters; medicated mouthwashes; veterinary preparations for warm blooded mammals; in tablet and liquid form for treatment of pulmonary and dermatological diseases

So apparently, sex with Rick is a lot like that. Medicated mouthwashes, warm-blooded mammals, and dermatological diseases. Sounds pretty hot!

That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen. When we take any part of that out, we diminish the act. If you can take one part out, when it's not for purposes of procreation, that's not one of the reasons, then you diminish this very special bond between men and women.

Because you can't really have a special bond with a non-pregnant woman! Am I right, fellas? This guy knows what I'm talking about! 
Look how close they are!

So why can't you take other parts of it out? And all of a sudden it becomes deconstructed to the point where it's simply pleasure. And that's certainly a part of it, and it's an important part of it, don't get me wrong. But there are a lot of things we do for pleasure.
For example.

And   this is special and it needs to be seen as special. And, again, I know most presidents don't talk about those things. And maybe people don't want us to talk about those things. 

Also, otters do not want you to talk about such things.
 La la la la la I Can't hear you making sex sound totally creepy!

I'm not running for preacher, I'm not running for pastor.  But these are important public policy issues.

Yes, important public policy issues. What folks do in private is important public policy. That's the guy you voted for, Iowa! Nice going. Do you know how close we were to never having to hear from this despicable little ratfuck ever again? His numbers were in single digits, he was looking up at Bachmann. BACHMANN! And once he was out of this race, that was it for him. It's not like he has the charisma to start picking up a paycheck from FOX. He was gone. Until you geniuses let him finish a close second. Way to go, Iowa!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Jonesuary Duets

Tom Jones with Aretha Franklin

With Van the Man and Jeff Beck

With Tina Turner

With Janis Joplin

With Jerry Lee Lewis

With little Richard

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

If Newt Gingrich were half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he is.

Why does Gingrich feel the need to constantly try to make people think he's smarter than everyone else?

First he said that he understood the Constitution better than lawyers because he's an HISTORIAN! Oooooh!

Now, there's this:

"I'm an amateur paleontologist, so I've spent a lot of time looking at the earth's temperature over a very long time," Gingrich said. "I'm a lot harder to convince than just by looking at a computer model."

Really? You like dinosaurs so you're an expert on, um, something?

Really? You're an amateur scientist so we should trust you over professional scientists?

And, really? You're interest in paleontology qualifies you to comment on climatology? Really? You think your fake expertise in one field of science carries over into other branches? Like "science" is some all-inclusive field of study? Really? 

I'm an expert in SCIENCE!

Jonesuary 3, 2012

Happy Jonesuary

Monday, January 2, 2012

Fun With Real Quotes

In which I add writer's embellishments to some of the dumbest quotes of 2011.


And I said "Oh, hi Mom!"

And will continue to be for the next four years.

Because no one is more secular and atheist than radical Muslims!


Hear ye, Hear ye!

In my capacity as King, I hereby decree that henceforth, the first month of each year shall be known as "JONESUARY!"

This is, of course, to honor "The Voice," or as he is more commonly known
"Tom Mother-Fuckin' Jones!"

If you've never seen Tom Jones perform live, do yourself a favor and catch him next time he comes around. Or take a trip to Vegas or Atlantic City or Reno or wherever to see the man before it's too late. The man is 70 years old, there may not be a lot of chances left.

We've seen him a few times, most recently last year on his "Praise & Blame" Tour, and he still has the golden pipes. I know, when people think of Tom Jones, they think of kitsch, they think of the guy with the Greg Brady 'fro and the open shirt shakin' his money-maker for a bunch of horny old ladies, but A) looking past the gigolo act, he's always been a great singer and B) he doesn't really do that anymore. The man has dignity. He's not this guy anymore:

Now he's this guy:

And if you haven't heard his latest album, "Praise and Blame," check it out on his MySpace Page, or listen to a couple of samples below: