Monday, June 29, 2009

Asshole of the Year

My second nominee for the coveted Asshole of the Year award is. . . . . . . . . . .
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas!Dang! I'm bored. When do we get to the sexy part?

Back in 2003, a 13-year-old Arizona girl was called in to the principal's office. Someone had whispered a rumor that this girl had brought prescription-strength Ibuprofen to school. (Note: ibuprofen is also known as Motrin or Advil. Prescription-strength Ibuprofen is exactly the same, just more milligrams). When no pills were found in her backpack, school officials made her remove her clothes and show them that nothing was concealed in her brassiere or underpants.

Well, on June 24 of this year, the Supreme Court ruled that this constituted an illegal search. The ruling was 8 to 1. The lone dissenting vote came from our nominee, Clarence Thomas. Even Alito found strip-searching a 13-year-old girl looking for Advil was outrageous, but not ol' Clarence!

"It was eminently reasonable to conclude the backpack was empty because Redding was secreting the pills in a place she thought no one would look," he said.

See, that's what happens when you begin with a conclusion. If you have already decided that the girl must have these pills on her, then when they can't be found in a normal place, like her backpack, you force yourself to assume that they must be hidden elsewhere. If you instead begin with the question "does she have pills on her?" you can search her backpack, have her empty her pockets, and when nothing is found, then you come to a conclusion--which in this case would be, "I guess not." Or you could also not treat students like inmates who have to be searched for contraband at the drop of a hat, but I digress.

Thomas warned that the majority's decision could backfire. "Redding would not have been the first person to conceal pills in her undergarments," he said. "Nor will she be the last after today's decision, which announces the safest place to secrete contraband in school."

Thomas continued, "yesssssss, the best place to hide your special valuables, mmmmmm.... a teenager's panties, mmmmmmmmm........ don't forget to check the bra! Yeahhhhhhhhh........."
Or something along those lines.

Although, in his defense, Judge Thomas may have still been giddy from being the lone dissenting vote in the court's 8-1 decision upholding the Voting Rights Act last week.

So congratulations Clarence Thomas, you've been nominated for Asshole of theYear!