Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Going Galt

All across the nation, literally dozens of angry, misinformed dimwits are staging "tea parties" to protest policies which they don't understand. These differ from the original Boston Tea Party in that the colonists who staged the original protest boarded British ships under cover of darkness to destroy British cargo, denying tax dollars to the English monarchy, knowing that they risked their freedom, if not their lives, by displaying defiance in the face of the British Empire, while modern "teabaggers"* buy bags of Liptonat the supermarket and then throw them into trashcans.

Um, I don't think that word means what you think it means.

One of the most popular activities at these "tea parties" is threatening to "go Galt" This refers to the fictional character John Galt from the book Atlas Shrugged. Look, guys, I read the book, and if someone were to edit out about 100 pages of repetition, it would be a decent work of fiction. But Ayn Rand is like the Jimmy Stewart character in "Rope." Her ideas may be fun to bandy about at cocktail parties, but you don't try to actually put them into practice. (In the case of the character from Rope, because you will end up in jail for committing murder. In the case of Ayn Rand, because her ideas are stupid.
Since most of you teabaggers have apparently not read it, let me explain something to you. John Galt was an titan of industry who bestrode th
e world like a colossus. You, on the other hand, are, um, not. Honestly, if you "went Galt," if you stopped producing out of spite, no one would notice - except your kids who would ask why there is no money for food.

No. You are not. Really.

The people who would, theoretically, be in a position to "go Galt" um, they're in Wahington begging for government handouts.

And if anyof you don't feel like slogging through all 1084 pages of Ayn Rand's diatribe, lhere's how it ends. John Galt and the other wealthy industrialists all move to a deserted valley in Colorado and start their own society, building new railroads, factories, etc. Does that sound like something you could do?
You are not Atlas. If you shrug, the world will shrug back. Unless you are really going to drop out of society and start your own country, just shut up and go back to work.

Oh, and do a google search for the term "teabagging." You'll be glad you did.

*I swear to God, this is really how they refer to themselves.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Gwyneth Paltrow

Yes, Apple, I'd cry too.

First, she names her daughter Apple. Look, I know you must be bitter about being saddled with the ridiculous name Gwyneth, but don't take it out on the kid.
Then, she prances around with a Madonna-level fake British accent saying crap like “I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans,” Which, granted, is probably true, but you don't say it out loud.

But now I find out that she has an ultra-pretentious website called "GOOP"
Yes, GOOP. Maybe she let Apple name it.

The site has six categories: "make" "go" "get" "do" "be" and "see'.
In other words, the great Gwyneth will tell you what to make, tell you where to go, what or who to be, etc.
Let's have a look, shall we?

This week we have a BE that focuses on the question of how to BE with one’s children. There are some familiar voices below, but I have also enlisted the wisdom of two other incredible women, Heidi Butz and Camila Batmanghelidjh. Their responses made me realize that we are all always in the process of evolving, and you do not need to have children to benefit from these ladies’ amazing insights. Simply regard yourself as the child we are asking about, no matter your age, and see what comes up for you.

Thank God! Thank you, God! Parents everywhere were wondering how to raise their children. It seemed so cruel to deprive them of the guidance of a second-rate actress. Oh, please God, tell me there's more!

And if I can humbly add one small idea to their thoughts..

No, I don't believe you can humbly do anything, but do go on.

it has been my personal experience (both as a child and a mother) that children are like little radios picking up our frequency. They know the real truth about what we are feeling versus what we are presenting and it is incredibly isolating to find a major discrepancy between the two. When in my grown-up sphere I am confronted with disappointment or my own intolerance and a bad mood to boot, I often name what is going on (in other words, I say, "Mommy is having a hard day, and I am feeling upset") so that the very mundane human “bad” feelings do not turn into some grim phantom in the room with me. Sometimes I don’t have the maturity in the moment, and when it fails me, I apologize at bedtime when my children and I are having a talk. I have felt my daughter’s whole body sigh in relief when I have simply and very specifically voiced regretting my own behavior.

AAAUUGH!! My Gag reflex!

Ok, enough "be," let's try something else. Tell us, Oh Gwyneth, where should we go?

New York

Ok, New York. That should be Ok, I think. You're not going to ruin it for us, are you?

As much as I am a product of many places, I am a New York girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious city and it is a part of who I am. I was an uptown kid and a downtown grownup and this duality helps define me. I still get an indescribable buzz when I am in New York. I suppose it's the feeling that so many worlds co-exist, that you can lose yourself in any one of them at almost any hour of the day. There will be more newsletters on this great city, with love letters to match. In this issue of GOOP, we will start with restaurants and hotels. I ♥ NY.

Oh, God Damn it! Now I don't think I can ever go to New York! I thought you didn't like America. New York is America, you know.
What about movies? Everyone likes movies. What should we see?

I’m not one of those film people who can tell you who the cinematographer was on On The Waterfront or who most influenced Truffaut. When it comes to knowledge of film history, I’m semi-rubbish (a friend of mine once left the dinner table when I admitted I had never seen one of the most famous and most well-regarded films of all time).

Oh my God, you actually have a friend more pretentious than you?
And no one, ever has used the phrase semi-rubbish. I know it's important to you to try and sound British, but come on.

The films I love best usually contain a breathtaking female performance (The Reader, Sophie’s Choice, Klute), as the genius of a creative woman inspires me in all areas of my life.

Oh, great. You've just put me off actresses. Great. now the only movies I can watch are Sleuth and Lawrence of Arabia. Thanks.

I can see why you prefer to live in a country where no one has a gun. I'm fighting the urge to purchase a .38 and a one-way ticket to London.

JP Morgan Chase

Embattled bank JPMorgan Chase, the recipient of $25 billion in TARP funds, is going ahead with a $138 million plan to buy two new luxury corporate jets and build "the premier corporate aircraft hangar on the eastern seaboard" to house them, ABC News has learned. The financial giant's upgrade includes nearly $120 million for two Gulfstream 650 planes and $18 million for a lavish renovation of a hangar at the Westchester Airport outside New York City. The Gulfstream 650's are described by the manufacturer as the "fastest," "widest" and "most comfortable" private jet ever with superior cabin amenities, an optional stateroom, and 12 interior designs to choose from.

That is it! I can't take any more of this shit! My head is in the process of exploding! These ratfuck bastards drive the economy into a ditch, demand that we bail them out, then they spit in our faces. Give us our fucking money back, you sons of bitches! If anyone sees one of the JP Morgan executives, please, I beg you, kick him square in the balls. I'll make it worth your while. Seriously, I'll buy you donuts.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Jake DeSantis (AIG Quitter)

WAAAHHH, People are trying to make me feel bad about my million dollar bonus. Waaaaahhhh. My little feelings are hurt. waaaaahhhhh. . . . .I Quit! waaaaahhhhh. .
Hey Jake! No one feels sorry for you! First of all, you begin your pathetic resignation/op-ed by stating "I am proud of everything I have done for the commodity and equity divisions of A.I.G."Are you freakin serious? What the hell are you proud of? Even if, as you say, you were not involved in the shady credit-default swaps that brought the company down, what is it you did? The Commodity and Equities Division? You shuffled immaginary money around from one account to another so that your company could skim off a percentage. How is that anything of which to be proud?
Then you say: After 12 months of hard work dismantling the company — during which A.I.G. reassured us many times we would be rewarded in March 2009 — we in the financial products unit have been betrayed by A.I.G. No, Jake you haven't. You are still getting your obscene bonus in March 2009. What the hell do you consider a betrayal?

I and many others in the unit feel betrayed that you failed to stand up for us in the face of untrue and unfair accusations from certain members of Congress last Wednesday and from the press over our retention payments

That's it? Ooohh, my boss didn't stand up for me when the mean men were calling me names!
Your fucking feelings are hurt? Really? Waahh, My bonus!

In response to this, I will now leave the company and donate my entire post-tax retention payment to those suffering from the global economic downturn. My intent is to keep none of the money myself.

OK, (A) I'll believe it when I see it, and (B) That's not a donation, that's restitution!

Then there's this, adressed to your boss:

I have the utmost respect for the civic duty that you are now performing at A.I.G. You are as blameless for these credit default swap losses as I am. You answered your country’s call and you are taking a tremendous beating for it.

Um, Jake, you're quitting. No need to kiss your boss's ass anymore. And, no, he's not fucking blameless! He ran the Company! All the asses that ran these scams worked for him!

I take this action after 11 years of dedicated, honorable service to A.I.G. I can no longer effectively perform my duties in this dysfunctional environment, nor am I being paid to do so. Like you, I was asked to work for an annual salary of $1, and I agreed out of a sense of duty to the company and to the public officials who have come to its aid.

The only reason you have a job at any salary is because we the people are paying for it. And the ammount of your actual salary really isn't that important when you are guaranteed a fucking million dollar bonus regardless of your job performance. Do you really expect any of us to believe that you are actually working for $1? If you want us to fall for that, you shouldn't have included this line: On March 16 I received a payment from A.I.G. amounting to $742,006.40, after taxes.
Just because your salary on paper was $1 doesn't change the fact that you were paid (by us!) more money than most of us make in a decade.

So what am I to do? There’s no easy answer.

Frankly, my dear, no one gives a damn!

I know that because of hard work I have benefited more than most during the economic boom and have saved enough that my family is unlikely to suffer devastating losses during the current bust. Some might argue that members of my profession have been overpaid, and I wouldn’t disagree.

Enough with the "hard work" crap! Where the hell do you get the balls to talk about hard work? Spend a day on a construction site or at a steel mill or in goddamn Fallujah, then let's talk about hard work. You shuffle papers. You sit in a climate controlled office moving money around with clicks of a mouse. Hard work? Are you kidding me? Don't talk about how hard you work in the same paragraph in which you admit to being overpaid! (The first honest word in this whole pitiful screed)

Mr DeSantis, you are a preposterous buffoon with a completely undeserved sense of sel-importance and entitlement. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Mom! People are saying mean things about me in the blogosphere!

The Worst Song I Heard At Work This Week

The Muzak at my place of employment is a veritable cornucrapia of insipid lyrics set to wearisome tunes, but the all-time cake taker has to be the atrocious "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" by the abominable Paula Cole. (seen here taking herself way too fucking seriously)

The tune, to begin with, is just an unimaginative mediocrity, and Ms. Cole is a passable vocalist at best. If these were the only complaints, this song would barely merit a mention. It would slide by un-noticed like most second-rate records. But, no! Apparently, the producers had a brilliant idea: "hey, Paula, what if, instead of singing the main verses, you recited the lyrics in a semi-rhythmic stage whisper?"
" Oh My God! Brilliant! Now people will know that I'm a serious artist!"

Then there's the lyrics themselves, which are basically a bizarre longing for a pre-feminist relationship in which "I will raise the children if you pay all the bills." and "I will wash the dishes, you go have a beer." (seriously: Link) And she can't even pronounce "beer" like a normal person. When Paula sings it, it comes out like "beeee-yurrrr." How hard is it to pronounce beer? It's one fucking syllable! BEER! There, see how easy that was?

And, hey, Ms Cole, women have spent the last 30-odd years trying to explain to men that we should be more sensitive, more in touch with our feelings, and God help us, we've been trying. We may not be that great at it, but we have been trying to be more Phil Donahuey and less Clint Eastwoodey. And now here you come along whining "where is my John Wayne?" John Wayne is dead. And if he was alive, he probably wouldn't be a lot of fun to be married to. Remember this famous quote from the Duke? “Women have the right to work wherever they want, as long as they have the dinner ready when you get home”
(Although, based on your lyrics, maybe he would be your ideal husband.)

Anyway, just when the song is winding down, just when it seems like the crapfest is over, Ms Cole launches into a ghastly caterwauling which Lyrics.com translates as "yipee yo, yipee yeah," but sounds for all the world like "Dah- ah - ahh, Duh-ha, Duh-ha!" Either way, I'm pretty sure it violates the Geneva Conventions.

And, ys, I know that this song is over 10 years old, but it hasn't gotten any less horrid in the interim.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Michelle Bachman & Glenn Beck

Michelle Bachman (R-Psychopathia)

Apparently, there was a lunatic convention on the radio yesterday. Here is the audio:

These two paranoid crackpots believe that there is some grand conspiracy to put the U.S. and other countries on a single global currency. Never mind that no one has suggested doing this. Never mind that Tim Geithner has, when asked by Ms Bachman, categorically denied that he would support such a plan. Never mind that the very idea is just prima facia absurd. In the deranged mind of the conspiracy theorist, all those things just add more proof of the conspiracy's existence. Bachman and Beck should really be institutionalized. They don't seem to have the slightest toe-hold on reality. Beck makes the absurd point that anyone who brings this up is "deemed a kook." Glenn, that's because anyone who believes this is A KOOK!
Michelle Bachman makes the hilarious assertion that "this is not just Michelle Bachman being a kook!" Um, yes it is.

Seriously, Minnesotans, what the hell? How is this nut your representative in Congress? She would be laughed out of a UFO convention. You really need to do something about this before you become the state that makes Mississippi feel good about itself.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Michael Steele

As if he hasn't embarrassed himself enough lately, Mr Steele had this to say on the subject of global climate change:

“We are cooling. We are not warming. The warming you see out there, the supposed warming, and I am using my finger quotation marks here, is part of the cooling process. Greenland, which is now covered in ice, it was once called Greenland for a reason, right? Iceland, which is now green. Oh I love this. Like we know what this planet is all about. How long have we been here? How long? No very long.”

The warming is part of the cooling process? I'm sorry, did you bring enough stupid for the rest of the class?
Oh, and yes, there is a reason why Greenland is called Greenland.

Norse legends written in the 12th century and later, it is told that Eric the Red explored the southeast and southwest coasts of Greenland in A.D. 983-986 and gave the country its name because people would be more likely to go there if it had an attractive name.
(from Answers.com)

Might want to do a quick Googling before making public statements.

But really, it's not just Mr Steele that's the problem here. For one thing, there's a pretty slim chance that he's actually this big a dullard. The thing is, he's so emblematic of the pernicious strain of anti-intellectualism that has infected our political process. It's this anti- knowledge, anti-science, anti-reason attitude that allows people to consider their "gut feeling" to be superior to actual expertise, that allows people to dismiss educated people as "elitist" or "out of touch." This pro-ignorance stance makes it easy for people to say things like "the jury's still out on global warming," assuming that the considered opinion of every legitimate climatologist in the world is no more authoritative than one's own observation that the last few days have been pretty cold.

That's how we end up with a fiasco like this:

Everyone knew that Al Gore was vastly more intelligent than George W. Bush, so why did so many people vote for W? For precisely that reason. Too many voters disliked Gore because he was smart. They liked Bush because he seemed like an ordinary, regular guy. Problem is, Bush actually is a regular guy. And a regular guy is not qualified to be the leader of the free world. An electorate with any sense would want to vote for an extraordinary person to be president. The previous 8 disastrous years should have served as an object lesson in "why being an amiable, slow-witted dunce is not sufficient qualification to be president," but no. Way too many of the same people have steadfastly refused to learn any lesson from the recent past, which is why we may end up, (God Forbid) with this:

or this:
or this:

in 2012.

Music Break!

The Upper Crust--the greatest Aristocratic Rock band in the world--present:

Let Them Eat Rock!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Michelle Bachman

I tried. I really tried to find a picture of the congresswoman from Minnesota in which she doesn't look like a moron or a lunatic, but I don't think there is one.

Bachman is a real piece of work. No one had ever heard of her (I hadn't, so I assume no one had) until she came up with the suggestion that the media should investigate members of Congress to see which ones were "Anti-American"

Because, you know, there's political gold to be mined in being the new Joe McCarthy!

When asked about this later, she denied ever having said it, apparently not realizing that TV cameras ,um, record things. She claims it was an "urban legend" that she had said this.


Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PkfO4GbvX4

Next, she pops up at CPAC shouting at Micheal Steele "You Be Da Man!"


Not Kidding.

Not satisfied to be the poster girl for wingnuttery and buffoonery, Now she is setting her sights on becoming the next Chuck Norris, or Glenn Beck.

Here is what Ms Bachman had to say on Saturday:

“I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back. Thomas Jefferson told us ‘having a revolution every now and then is a good thing,’ and the people – we the people – are going to have to fight back hard if we’re not going to lose our country. And I think this has the potential of changing the dynamic of freedom forever in the United States.”

She wants an armed mob of Minnesotans fighting a new revolution.


I'm not kidding.

Hey, Minnesotans! This is what you vote for? Really? Jesse Ventura wasn't embarrassing enough for you? What the hell is going on up there?

Seriously, though, if some nutjob decides to take Bachman up on this, someone could get killed. Michelle Bachman, you are not a serious person, and you have no business being an elected representative of any state. What you are doing is called sedition, and it's dangerous, irresponsible, and oh, yeah, ILLEGAL! Here's the new rule. If you can't say something sane, shut your god damned piehole!


First it was toxic pet food, then toxic baby formula, then lead-painted toys. Now it's fucking drywall? You poisoned our drywall? Well, according to this you did.

Is Drywall the Next Chinese Import Scandal?

By Tim Padgett / Miami

. . .it wasn't until her repairman got fed up with fixing inexplicably corroded air-conditioner coils that Beck finally discovered what she and her homebuilder suspect is the source of the poltergeist: the Chinese drywall of the house's interiors. Beck is among hundreds of homeowners in Florida alleging that toxic levels of chemical pollutants such as sulfur are issuing from contaminated drywall made in some Chinese factories. At least four class-action lawsuits have been filed in Florida; others have been filed in California, Louisiana and Alabama.
Goddammit, if you kill us all, you'll never get your money back.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Tea Baggers

Somehow, the "American Family Association" has gotten my e-mail address. So I get e-mails like this:

Please support TEA (Taxed Enough Already) Party day, April 15

March 18, 2009

We currently have people in 600 cities organizing for the TEA Party Day Rally April 15. Help us grow that number to 1,000!

Dear Professor,

Our country faces a grave danger. Our elected officials in Washington are leading us down an unwise path. We need to act now to stop this situation.

I’m writing asking you to help us and also to motivate others to get involved. AFA and other groups have called for a day of TEA (Taxed Enough Already) Party rallies across the U.S. on April 15, including one at noon in front of the city hall in your community. Get with a few friends and go to the rally.

Oh, you're taxed enough? Really? Are you really going to pretend that you don't know that the Obama tax plan only raises taxes on those making over $200,000 a year? And only sets them back to pre-W rates? You do know that most of these gullible mouth=breathers that are mailing tea-bags to their congressmen would actually pay less under Obama's plan, right. But you're just going to go ahead and whip these poor dupes into a frenzy to protect you and your millionaire buddies from paying a little extra come tax time, aren't you? What's the matter, Wildmon?* Trying to censor television shows doesn't take up enough of your time?
For those unfamiliar with the Rev Wildmon, here's an exerpt from his website:

If you are not familiar with his name, you likely are aware and probably have participated in some of his successful boycott campaigns. What about the successful boycott of 7-Eleven to drop Playboy... or the successful boycott of K-mart to remove the porn from their subsidiary Waldenbooks... One of the first activities of the new CEO of K-mart after getting rid of the porn was to contact Don Wildmon and pledge to lead K-mart in a family-friendly direction. Donahue also credited Don Wildmon and the AFA for destroying his program.

He's also been the driving force in the current Disney boycott. He has appeared on Meet the Press, McNeil-Lehrer Report, Good Morning America, The Tomorrow Show, The Today Show, Nightline, the 700 Club, and other television programs. He has also been featured in several publications including Time, Newsweek, People, TV Guide, Christianity Today, USA Today, and the Wall Street Journal.

This is the stuff of which he is proud! Boycotting Disney, for God's sake.

Her's another fun fact about the Wild man:

Wildmon is simultaneously leading an effort to boycott the fast food giant McDonald's, and marshaling the troops in support of Proposition 8, a California ballot initiative that would reverse the state's Supreme Court recent decision in support of gay marriage.

Why McDonalds? A short time back, the home of the Hamburgler donated $20,000 to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (NGLCC) in exchange for membership in the NGLCC and a seat on the group's board of directors. That outraged Wildmon, the undisputed kingpin of calling boycotts against companies that might have a scent of gay-friendliness.

"This boycott is not about hiring homosexuals, or homosexuals eating at McDonald's or how homosexual employees are treated. It is about McDonald's, as a corporation, choosing to put the full weight of their corporation behind promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage," said AFA chairman Donald E. Wildmon.

Finally, these warnings about the consequences of McDonald's actions: From columnist Bob Unruh, writing for WorldNetDaily: "Your dollars for Happy Meals and Big Macs could end up paying for sex-change operations of McDonald's employees if the home of the Golden Arches continues its promotion of homosexuality..."

Oooohhh, McDonalds is promoting the big, scary, homosexual agenda. What exactly are the Wildmen of the world afraid of here? Do they think that they will bite into a burger, feel faint, then wake up in a stylishly decorated loft listening to showtunes? That Ronald McDonald will force them to get washboard abs and enjoy Project Runway? Rev. Donald Wildmon, you are a pathetic, fearful, hate-filled little man. Please do us all afavor and Go Away!

*Rev. Donald Wildmon, the founder of the American Family Association

Friday, March 20, 2009

Billy Bob Neck

I'm 99% sure that this is satire, but either way it's funny, and i could use a good laugh.

(h/t Jesus' General)

Why the Bonuses Matter

I keep hearing that the bonuses being handed out at AIG really shouldn't be a big deal. They only amount to 1/10 of 1% of the bailout, etc. But they do matter, and they are important, because this shit is going to keep happening as long as the little pricks that run these businesses know that they can gamble with other people's money, rack up huge profits, and when it inevitably implodes, not only will the rest of us pay for it, they will still get the bonuses they were expecting. There are no consequences for these fuckers. It's like if you walked in to work and pooped on your boss's desk and he said "that's inexcusable! But, I sure would hate for you to quit, so here's a million dollars. Now send someone else in here to clean up my desk!" Wouldn't you poop on your boss's desk every day, if that happened? Well, these sons of bitches will keep pooping all over the taxpayers unless there are negative consequences for doing it. Losing their bonuses would be one small step in the right direction. They should be given pink slips, and when they apply for new jobs with another company, hiring managers should look at their resumes and say "OH, you're one of those AIG assholes? Security, come remove this human stain from my office." That's how it would work for us normal working stiffs. If I screwed things up so badly at work that the entire company was teetering on the edge of extinction, I would expect to be fired. And I would expect to be treated like a pariah by other companies. Of course, these pricks get to live by another set of rules, where there are no consequences for failure. They get rewarded for success and rewarded for failure.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Glenn Beck's Maniacal Grin

Since my most recent post, I've been spending way too much time trying to figure out Glenn Beck and why he always looks like this:

Seriously. Every time I see him, he has that loony, demented grin. He could be at his best friend's funeral and i don't think he could wipe that deranged expression off his face.

So, I've been trying to figure him out. Does he just like being outrageous because he's a publicity whore, or is he actually baboon-ass crazy enough to believe the shit he says?

Here's my theory. Glenn Beck is crazy, alright, but not the kind of tin-foil-hat crazy that would believe in the kind of paranoia that is his stock in trade. No, Glenn suffers from the kind of bug-eyed, foaming at the mouth, poo-throwing crazy that afflicts teenage arsonists. He knows what he's saying is ridiculous. And he knows that there are nuts out there who will believe it. And that's why he can't stop grinning. He knows he's lighting a fuse, and he's rubbing his hands in gleeful anticipation of the explosion. He can't wait to see what's going to get blown up. Like a teenage firebug, he probably gets aroused thinking about it. And he's going to keep fanning the flames as long as he's allowed to stay on the air.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Glenn Fucking Beck

I was going to complain about Beck being a moron and defending the bonuses at AIG. But then I see this: http://crooksandliars.com/node/26723

Beck starts out by raising fears about Russia (Um, Glenn, the Cold War is Over), then goes completely over the edge talking about FEMA prison camps. First he says that he was tired of hearing about them and wanted to debunk these rumors. But then he did a lot of "research" and found that *gasp* he COULDN'T debunk them!!!! I don't know how you can be unable to debunk something as patently absurd as FEMA prison camps, it should be like debunking the tooth fairy or martians. (Now even i'm sick of the word "debunk." I will try not to use it again in this post)

Now, it's one thing to say that he can't technically disprove the existence of these prison camps, but by the end of the interview, he's referring to them as though they are established fact! Glenn, you idiot! This is an old militia movement conspiracy theory. This is black helicopters, new world order, UN communism nonsense. No sane person believes this. But you know who does believe this crap? People like Timothy McVeigh. People like the Montana Freemen. People wh run around in the woods with automatic weapons preparing for a war against the US government. And when these crazy motherfuckers see someone like you on TV, on a major news channel, talking about htis kind of stuff, it just confirms their delusional beliefs. This kind of irresponsible chatter just encourages these lunatics.

Sorry this post wasn't funny, but there's nothing funny about this kind of thing.

Here, how's this?

One Big Happy

At a time when newspapers around the country are cutting back, or even shutting down altogether (R.I.P. Seattle Post-Intelligencier) many of them continue to purchase newsprint and use it for this: annnnddd, pause for laughter. . . . . . . .

Hold for applause. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . .

Are you done laughing yet? Good, because I am going to reveal to you the secret of writing your own "One Big Happy" strip.


Just follow this simple template:

have the little girl mis-understand some common expression:

Or, just copy a page from “The Big Book of Cornball Jokes that were Old When Your Grandfather Told Them” and add cheesy, cloying illustrations:

Oh, the hours of fun and profit you'll make from this hackery!

But don't forget to offend an ethnic group if you can.

I believe the theme of that strip was: Italians, sure they're loud and inconsiderate, but once you get to know them, they're fun to dance with!

And now, the crowning acheivement (experienced hacks only) combine an offensive stereotype with an innocent misunderstanding for comedy GOLD!
See, it's funny because Italian men are so lecherous and horny that they think every woman they see (including, apparently, elementary school girls) is Bellissima! Ouch! My gut just busted! It busted from laughing so hard!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Jonah Goldberg

For some reason, one of the weekly papers here in Atlanta insists on giving a forum to the ludicrous Jonah Goldberg, a man whose main claim to fame seems to be that he is the offspring of the atrocious Lucianne Goldberg*, and whose magnum opus is a preposterous book which making the laughable claim that Mussolini was a liberal.

When I first moved to Atlanta, this paper (initials S.P.) used to have 4 political columnists. Representing the Left were Jesse Jackson and Arianna Huffington, and on the right were Shrieking Harpy Ann Coulter and congenital Liar and rage-addict Bill O'Reilly, because, you know, who needs credibility? Now the first victim of the budget cuts at the "SP" is the pretense of objectivity. On alternating weeks, the sole political column is written by either the editor ( a reasonable, thoughtful, conservative voice) or the clownish buffoon, Jonah Goldberg.

Can You Spot The Difference?

Let's Take a look at some of Mr. Goldberg's writings shall we?
Here are a few selections from some recent columns:

By now you’ve probably heard: The GOP is becoming too regional, too white, too old to compete at a national level. Democrats look like a merging of the cast of Rent and Up With People, while Republicans look like diehard fans of Matlock and Murder, She Wrote.

That's right, the most hip, current pieces of youth culture Jonah can come up with are "Rent" and "UP WITH PEOPLE!" Up with people? Up with fucking people? That's about as relevant a reference as Frankie and Annette! Or Glenn Miller! Or Vaudeville! Up With People? Maybe someone like George Will or Bob Novak could be excused for this kind of "Those damn kids with their rock and roll" outburst, but Jonah was born in 1969! How does he even know who they are?

Here's another:

Well, given what Obama wants to do, I hope he fails too. Of course I want the financial crisis to end — who doesn’t? But Obama’s agenda is much more audacious. Pretty much every major news outlet in the country has said as a matter of objective analysis that Obama wants to repeal the legacy of Ronald Reagan and remake the country as a European welfare state.

Okay, first of all, do you even understand what you're saying? Barack Obama is trying to end the financial crisis. If the crisis ends, he will have succeeded. If he fails to end the crisis, then it will continue. You can't hope that he fails while simultaneously hoping that he succeeds.
Second, Who are these major news outlets? If any of them are saying what you are pretending they are saying, that would be editorializing, not "objective analysis." Do you even know the difference? And do you understand that the legacy of Ronald Reagan is Crippling National debt, the arming of Bin Laden and Sadam, and the destabilization of latin America? Who wouldn't want to repeal that?

What movie have they been watching? Because I could swear that conservatives opposing the expansion of big government is what conservatives do. It’s Aesopian. The scorpion must sting the frog. The conservative must object to socialized medicine.

So the objection to health-care is just a Pavlovian, knee-jerk response? There's no thought put into it at all?

Obama’s budget priorities are a great ideological bait-and-switch. He says he wants to fix the financial crisis, but he’s focusing on selling his longstanding liberal agenda on health care, energy, and education as the way to do it, even though his proposals have absolutely nothing to do with addressing the housing and toxic-debt problems that are the direct causes of our predicament. Indeed, some — particularly on Wall Street — would argue that his policies are making the crisis worse.
So the Wall Street guys, the guys who were wrong about everything? The Guys who didn't see any of this coming? The guys who were shocked when the dot-coms imploded? Those guys are saying that Obama's policies might make things worse? Those guys? The guys who thought Junk Bonds were a good idea? The guys who were bullish on Enron and World-Com? Those are the guys who are warning us about the President's policies? The geniuses who got us into this mess in the first place?

Oh, and do you understand what bait-and-switch means? Barack Obama ran on this platform af health care, green energy, etc. People voted for him because they liked these ideas. Why would anyone be shocked that he is now trying to implement the ideas on which he ran?

And yet, I’ve met innumerable writers and editors who are scared, even terrified, of one or more of these groups: gays, blacks, Latinos, Asians, Jews, feminists, evangelical Christians, and the handicapped.

Um, innumerable means "too many to count," not "I'm unable to count that high."
And where are you meeting these writers and editors? At he paranoid pants-wetter support group?

What a racket. I wish I could get paid for making shit up.

*most famous as a minor figure in the Monica Lewinsky scandal, she was also one of Nixon's dirty tricksters, being payed $1000/month to dig up dirt on the McGovern campaign staff.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Micheal Lohan

Micheal Lohan, seen here with Stephen Baldwin at an assface convention.

Listen, Mike. Whatever problems your daughter has (and Hoo Lordies, she's got plenty!) are at least 50% your fault. Here is a list of possible courses of action you might take to try and make things slightly better.

1) hang your head in shame.

2) hang yourself in shame.

3) stay the hell out of the public eye.

4) see #2.

But no, you've chosen to actively make things worse. What the hell would motivate you to post shit like this on the interwebs?

While I was enthused that Ali was with Lindsay, rather than SaMANtha, I am torn to see that SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.

Good God, you're clever! I see what you did there, emphasizing the word "MAN" in Samantha to imply that women who are attracted to other women are not really women at all! Give me a minute to roll on the floor. . . .

. . .Ok, I'm back. Ya know what,here's something you might not have thought of. One of those women who loves other women is, um, YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU MORON! Openly mocking your daughter's sexuality in a public forum, hmmm. . . I'm not a father myself, but I'm pretty sure that's the sort of thing that would be described as poor parenting. In fact, I'm pretty sure that fathers are not supposed to humiliate their daughters with open displays of hostility. Well, at least you didn't belittle her spirituality. What? Really? No I haven't seen London newspaper "The daily Mail" recently, why? What does it say?

Lindsay Lohan wants to convert to Judaism to prove her love for Samantha Ronson, according to Page Six:

Lohan flew to London to attend the bar mitzvah of Ronson's half-brother, Joshua. "She's explored the Church of Scientology, she tried kabbalah, and now this. I think it's just another phase," her estranged father Michael Lohan, a born-again minister, told London's Daily Mail.

Ohhh, Mike! Why are you talking to the press? Seriously, just crawl back under whatever rock you crawled out from and leave the poor kid alone.

When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn't happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?
Well, as you can see, I'm not going to sit back and let it slide.

No, really, let it slide. Seriously. You're not helping.

let me say that I never took a penny for my blog or anything I ever did for any of my children. I did what I did, out of love and concern, regardless of any of your opinions. I did it to help them, advance their careers and give them hope. I taught them that anything is possible if you really want it enough, and that when your heart is in the right place, God will make it all happen!

Um, God called, he said to leave him out of this. He's not taking the fall for this one.

For the record, when it comes to sexual preference, I am not biased.

I don't think you understand what the word "biased" means


I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Yeah, enlist the general public's help in destroying your daughter's relationship. Goddamn, you are one class act!
P.S. I wonder why Lindsey doesn't like men? Just saying.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Jim Cramer

I used to think that Jim Cramer was just a raving lunatic who brings the sensibilities of a morning-zoo DJ to the world of high finance.
Then, when he insisted that Bear Sterns was fine 48 hiurs before bear Sterns went belly-up, I figured he was just a moron.
But now, this video has surfaced showing Cramer bragging about the ways he used to illegally manipulate the markets when he ran a hedge fund.

This shameless rat bastard needs to go down! He needs to do time. His shitty advice probably did as much harm to peoples' retirement funds as Bernie Madoff (who at least has the decency to plead guilty) Let's organize a posse and bring this scumbag in, dead or alive!
(note: not an actual incitement to violence or vigilantism, blogger is speaking metaphorically.)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Chuck Norris

I've been inclined to take it easy on Chuck Norris, since i understand that he's been kicked in the head a lot more than most people and it's really no crime to be an abysmally bad actor and a garden-variety imbecille. But in Today's "Wing Nut Daily" (ooh, see what I did there? I changed "World Net" to "wing nut" to express my belief that this website is a gathering place for kooks, spoon-benders, and snake-handlers, but express this belief in a comical way! I hope you're taking notes, other internet writer people. This is how it's done!) Anyway, in today's "wing Nut Daily" (if it's funny once, it's bound to be funnier the second time!) Old Walker goes waaaaaayyyy off the deep end. Norris apparently thinks that Texas may secede from the Union and that he may run for president of Texas. (Oh, please God let Texas secede from the Union! I dream of a country without Texas)
And he's not kidding. Here's what he said to fellow nut-job Glenn Beck:

I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it. As most know, Texas was its own country before it joined the Union as its 28th state.
Oookaaayyy. Before that, it was part of Mexico. Before that it was a teritory of Spain. How is any of this relevant?

And why would Texas or any other state want to secede?

Patrick Henry taught that, "Our Constitution is … an instrument for its people to restrain the government." Yet our Congress and president stampede that founding document, overlook its explicitness and manipulate its words to abandon a balance of power and accommodate their own desires, partisan politics and runaway spending.

Um, OK. Funny how you had no objections when the previous administation was shredding the Bill of rights and running the largest defecits in history, but whatever. Go on.

From the East Coast to the "Left Coast," America seems to be moving further and further from its founders'
And what vision would that be?

John Adams declared that, "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people." Yet we've bastardized the First Amendment, reinterpreted America's religious history and secularized our society until we ooze skepticism and circumvent religion on every level of public and private life.

Ah, should have guessed.
Well, you seem fond of quoting the Founding fathers, how about I take a crack at it?

Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law.

-Thomas Jefferson, letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, February 10, 1814

  • During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity, in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.
- James Madison

My parents had early given me religious impressions, and brought me through my childhood piously in the Dissenting way. But I was scarce fifteen, when, after doubting by turns of several points, as I found them disputed in the different books I read, I began to doubt of Revelation itself. Some books against Deism fell into my hands; they were said to be the substance of sermons preached at Boyle’s Lectures. It happened that they wrought an effect on me quite contrary to what was intended by them; for the arguments of the Deists, which were quoted to be refuted, appeared to me much stronger than the refutations; in short, I soon became a thorough Deist."

Benjamin Franklin. (1706–1790). His Autobiography.

Deism, by the way, Chuck, is , according to Meriam Webster," a movement or system of thought advocating natural religion, emphasizing morality, and in the 18th century denying the interference of the Creator with the laws of the universe."

Oh, and let's not forget the Treaty of Tripoli which states unequivically:

  • As the government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen [Muslims] … it is declared … that no pretext arising from religious opinion shall ever product an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries. … The United States is not a Christian nation any more than it is a Jewish or a Mohammedan nation.

Yeah, Chuck. That's the same John Adams you quoted above. I think that the lesson here is that John Adams did NOT let his personal religious beliefs influence the business of governing. I know, you think that America was founded as some sort of theocracy, but trust me, it wasn't.

But that's not even the worst part! Norris is really ready to go to war.

"If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up."
Anyone who has been around Texas for any length of time knows exactly what we'd do if the going got rough in America. Let there be no doubt about that. As Sam Houston once said, "Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may."

For those losing hope, and others wanting to rekindle the patriotic fires of early America, I encourage you to join Fox News' Glenn Beck, me and millions of people across the country in the live telecast, "We Surround Them," on Friday afternoon (March 13 at 5 p.m. ET, 4 p.m. CT and 2 p.m. PST). Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation. You can host or attend a viewing party by going to Glenn's website. My wife Gena and I will be hosting one from our Texas ranch, in which we've invited many family members, friends and law enforcement to join us. It's our way of saying "We're united, we're tired of the corruption, and we're not going to take it anymore!"

Again, Sam Houston put it well when he gave the marching orders, "We view ourselves on the eve of battle. We are nerved for the contest, and must conquer or perish. It is vain to look for present aid: None is at hand. We must now act or abandon all hope! Rally to the standard, and be no longer the scoff of mercenary tongues! Be men, be free men, that your children may bless their father's name."

Um. Chuck. What you're talking about here, that's called treason. It's punishable by hanging.
Would someone pleas wake Chuck up and tell him that this is not a movie. This is real life. Just stay out of the way and let the grownups run things, okay?

P.S. Would someone please explain to me why the wingnuts seem to equate a financial stimulus bill with some kind of tyrrany or dictatorship? It's just spending money. It's not martial law.

P.P.S. I guess that whole "celebrities should stay out of politics" only applies to Sean Penn?