The World's Worst Cartoonist

Granted, I haven't actually seen every cartoonist in the world, but it's hard to imagine one worse than Michael Ramirez.

Ramiriez writes (?) Draws (?) whatever for Investor's Business Daily which means that by all rights I should never have had to have heard of this hack, but our local paper, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has been running his ink turds a lot lately.

See, the AJC is home to Pulitzer-Prize winning editorial cartoonist Mike Luckovich. So, since he is apparently viewed as something of a lefty-loosey, of course there has to be some "balance," hence the AJC's "from the Right" cartoon that must always be run next to his.

Basically, Ramirex is Exhibit A in the case of "Conservatives Should Never Try to be Funny Ever."

This is the first one of his I remember noticing:


There is an almost impressive ammount of douchehackery in this one panel.

Let's start with the fact that this 35-year-old movie reference would only make sense if this was 2012 and Barack Obama had lost his re-election bid and was having to leave the White House with his tail between his legs. It still would be a flaccid, lazy attempt at a spiteful joke, but at least it would make some kind of sense. Or if Republicans were to succeed at an impeachment or maybe force his resignation in some way, I don't know, but none of those things have happened. Look it up.

Then there's the tag-line "Taking America from Riches to Rags," which completely ignores the reality that Obama inherited an economy in shambles and has managed, in the face of unprecedented obstructionism, to make serious improvements. No, he hasn't fixed all of our economic problems. No, the stimulus wasn't big enough. No, the economy is not exactly booming, but to claim that he has taken America from "riches to rags" is close to the opposite of what really happened. And in order for a joke to be funny, it has to be based on some sort of reality.

Also, tossing the mention of "golf clubs" in there is just cheap shoddy ineptitude.

Then there's this one:



I'm not even sure what the point of this is supposed to be.

I get the "Hamas using human shields" thing. Does Hamas use human shields? I don't know, but the right certainly takes it as an article of faith that they do, so let's assume for the moment that they do. What does that have to do with Barack Obama supposedly giving "amnesty" to Central American refugee children? Fuck if I know.
If Barack Obama was giving "amnesty" to these kids, that would hardly be using them as human shields. With any act of kindness he might extend towards these kids, he just opens himself up to barrages of vitriol and accusations from the Right-Wing lunatics that dominate the opposition. This is pretty much the opposite of using someone as a human shield.

Also, not to tell you how to do your job there, Mike, but the "Hamas" headband belongs on the heavily-armed adult, not on the innocent child. Unless you're trying to say that the child is a member of Hamas? You put the label on the person or thing to whom it refers. That's just political cartooning 101. In the same way, the child on the right should not be labeled "Amnesty." If you want to say that Barack Obama is giving kids amnesty, you draw Obama handing the child a gift-wrapped box, and you label the box "Amnesty." Otherwise it makes no fucking sense.




So. . . um. . . . Putin is bad?

Good one?

Then, because for the Right, there's never a bad time to exploit the tragedy of 9/11, we got this journalistic loogie hocked onto our papers on July 22:





 Gawd, how many things are wrong with this one?

First of all, No one has forgotten or ever will forget 9/11. That's just fucking stupid to even suggest.

Second of all, No one is saying that America's borders should be wide open. Well, a few people, maybe, but on July 22, 2014 what we are talking about is allowing child refugees to come into our nation for their own safety. Not having open borders.
See, a conservative will never ever ever argue anything honestly. They won't ever say "here's the problems I see with the Affordable Care Act." They will scream "Death Panels!" and "tyranny!" and "Hitler!!!"
They won't say "here's my objection to the Estate Tax." They'll say "Aughhh, paying taxes twice on the same monies!" or "Deat Tax!" or "Job Creators!"

So of course they won't just come out and say "here's why I think we should slam the door in the faces of terrified children." It's much easier to attack the straw man who says "throw open the borders!"

Also, in the cartoon, who is saying "America's doors should be wide open?" The terrorists? Is that who you think you are arguing against?

And the terrorists who crashed the planes on 9/11 did not walk across our southern border. And even if they had, they crertainly wouldn't have done it disguised as 6-year-old Hondurans.

Also, this whole thing is in EXTREMELY bad taste.

What else you got?




So, these dead people are the murderers? Or are you saying that  they were murdered by Hamas? Because a hell of a lot more people (civilians, children, women, etc) are being murdered by Israel;i forces then Hamas could ever dream of murdering. And making a cheap pun of mass murder? Kind of tasteless.


Says the guy who wants to keep liberty-seeking children out.





I guess the point is that before Obama, Al Queada never managed to strike on American soil. . . oh, wait!
I guess the point is how many more terrorist attacks have happened here since Obama took over. . .oh wait!
I'm stumped, what is the point?





Right, only people with absurdly impractical degrees are saddled with enormous student loan debt. No one with degrees in business, or engineering, or medicine, or . . . oh, wait. Yeah they all do. Jokes are so much funnier when they have no basis in reality. It's just so fucking funny to satirize a situation that doesn't actually exist.

At this point, I should probably point out that all these comics are from July. This is all from less than one month. Seriously, Michale Ramirez is the worst cartoonist in the world. Probably the worstg cartoonist in history. Just absolutely terrible.

Bob Gorrell Is Just Horrible

One of the nice things about living in Atlanta is that we get Pulitzer-Prize-winning editorial cartoonist Mike Lukovich in our newspaper. Unfortunately, there are only so many comics he can do per week, so the paper fills in the gaps with hacks like Bob Gorrell. Here's a recent example:


Oh, poverty! What a rich vein of comedy gold you are!


Here's another:

I mean, seriously, what can you even say about this? If I accept your retarded premise that the "Ground Zero Mosque" (which is neither a mosque nor at ground zero) represents terrorists murdering 3000 innocent people, then I have a hard time seeing how electing a president you don't like is somehow equivalent to that. I mean, that's just in really really bad taste.

Ooh, good one! You're the first person to notice that "Twitter" contains the word "Twit!" Well crafted! And how timely, given that Twitter is something totally brand new that just now burst on to the scene so you can really be on the vanguard of mocking it! Well done!

Oh, biting satire! It's funny because no other first family has ever gone on a vacation in US history, and no first family has ever required secret service protection while on said vacation. Ever. Good job pointing out that things cost money!




Yes, a minaret would totally impale America. Having another mosque in Manhattan would actually KILL America. It would run right through Uncle Sam Junior's gut. Not that Manhattan counts as the real America, except for 9/11-related purposes.




I'm not sure I even get this one. I guess Obama's failure to fix the mortgage crisis that began under the Bush Administration is going to hurt his chances for re-election? And that's funny because. . . um . . . because look how big his ears are! Ha! Got 'im! Zing!

You'd think I would have had to scour the archives to find so many examples of Bob Gorrell's hackery, but no. These are all from August, 2010. One month. Really. He's just really that bad.

This Is Getting Creepy

So, first of all, here's what you need to know about the comic strip character Luann DeGroot:
(courtesy of Knight Features)

About Luann

---

Get hooked on the life of this sixteen year-old girl.

Okay, she's sixteen. The other kids in this series of panels are her classmates, so it's safe to assume that they are also 16, or possibly 17, maybe 15, I don't know. The point is they're sixteen years old.

Okay? So here we go.

So these 16-year old girls seem to be saying that their idea of "service" is to go down to Walter Reed as eye candy for wounded soldiers. That can't really be what they mean, right?

Ok, yeah that is the plan. Go down to the hospital and get ogled at by GI's. And to be sure we don't misunderstand, they make a point of explaining the plan to school bimbo Tiffany. Surely when they get to the hospital, the first responsible adult they run into will explain that this is completely inappropriate, right?

Yeah, not so much. This doctor or administrator or whatever is all too ready and eager to toss these girls into the soldiers' rooms, adding "don't be shy!"





And the wounded veteran is portrayed as ready and eager for a little statutory rape. Unless this strip takes place in a state wherein the age of consent is 16, then it's just wildly inappropriate. And creepy. Although not as creepy as the way Tiffany is drawn, jutting her low-cut top out at the soldier.

Although this is not the first time the strip's author Greg Evans has displayed Tiffany in a far-too-suggestive way.

At least in this series, the school principal is there to act as the responsible adult and tries to get Tiffany to show some self-respect.

Anyway, back to the hospital.

Don't think that I didn't get your little double entendre there, Delta. I know your follow-up line is "morale isn't the only thing that just went up!"


God, even the orderly comes in to leer at sixteen-year-old Tiffany! I think this is supposed to be a heartwarming story of kids who selflessly decide to volunteer their time to help others, but honestly it just creeps me out.

Luann needs some cheering up in the last panel. Don't worry Luann, today is Tiffany's turn to be treated like a sex object, you had your turn earlier. Remember?

Yes Luann, you are! In the world of Luann, high-school girls working as escorts is a rich vein of family-friendly humor.
But don't take my word for it, here's more from Knight Features:

Readers of all ages love Luann, the exciting comic strip by Greg Evans that brings to life the daily drama of being a young woman.

And who has more insight into what life is like for a young woman than this guy?
Evans is also applauded for touching on the real issues that teens face -- from puberty and unrequited love to peer pressure, drugs and alcohol.

And prostitution!

In all storylines, Evans holds Luann up as a fine example of the positive power cartoons can have.

Yeah, not all storylines.

It's Funny Because. . .

It's funny because it's factually inaccurate!

Crankshaft

Crankshaft is technically a comic strip, although i have yet to find the "comic" part.
It's about a grumpy old man who is really grumpy, but deep down has a heart of gold which is also grumpy.

Here's a typical strip. It happens to be from July 3, and so Old Crankshaft is setting off fireworks! Oh, the hijinks that are bound to ensue! I can hardly wait!

See, it's funny because his neighbor got mad when Crankshaft shot fireworks into his yard. It's funny when people get angry for completely understandable reasons!

Later in July, Crankshaft fills in for his fiend driving an ice cream truck His friend's name is, get this, Rocky Rhodes! Where do they come up with this stuff?

It's funny because the old guy likes to look at pretty young women! And that's funny, because well, haven't we all known an old guy who was, you know, heterosexual?

Oh, Crankshaft, you'll never get any business that way! But maybe that's what you intended? Oh, ho, ho Crankshaft! You're incorrigible!

Ho, ho! No, it sure doesn't! You tell 'em Crankshaft!


Oh, Crankshaft, under that crusty exterior, you're just an old softy, aren't you?

One Big Happy

At a time when newspapers around the country are cutting back, or even shutting down altogether (R.I.P. Seattle Post-Intelligencier) many of them continue to purchase newsprint and use it for this: annnnddd, pause for laughter. . . . . . . .

Hold for applause. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . .

Are you done laughing yet? Good, because I am going to reveal to you the secret of writing your own "One Big Happy" strip.

Ready?

Just follow this simple template:

have the little girl mis-understand some common expression:

Or, just copy a page from “The Big Book of Cornball Jokes that were Old When Your Grandfather Told Them” and add cheesy, cloying illustrations:


Oh, the hours of fun and profit you'll make from this hackery!

But don't forget to offend an ethnic group if you can.


I believe the theme of that strip was: Italians, sure they're loud and inconsiderate, but once you get to know them, they're fun to dance with!


And now, the crowning acheivement (experienced hacks only) combine an offensive stereotype with an innocent misunderstanding for comedy GOLD!
See, it's funny because Italian men are so lecherous and horny that they think every woman they see (including, apparently, elementary school girls) is Bellissima! Ouch! My gut just busted! It busted from laughing so hard!

On a Claire day

Believe it or not, some newspapers actually expend newsprint on this:

Want to write your own "Claire Day" Comic? Why wouldn't you, when its this easy!
Just use this simple template:

Frame 1: A character says something.

Frame 2: A brief conversation which seems like it could be a set-up for a punchline.

Frame 3: Someone makes a simple declarative statement about something obvious.

Why waste time being funny or clever or amusing or thought-provoking when you can make money with this can't-miss formula?

Here's an example:

Frame 1: Claire to co-worker: "what's wrong?"

Frame 2: Co-worker to Claire: "I have a headache!"

Frame 3: Claire: "Headaches Hurt!"

POW! Money in the bank! And it only took me like, ten seconds to compose!

Here's another tip:
Never take an art class. Being able to draw well is NOT a requirement for entry into the fun, fast-paced world of comic strip hackery!

Now you're ready. Grab a pen and start hacking!