Sunday, November 30, 2014

The War on Thanksgiving.

About this time each year, the FOX crowd starts trotting out their "War on Christmas" bs machine.

 Oh, they will fight to the death to defend Christmas from the imagined "attacks" it faces from people who, um. . . are willing to acknowledge that some people celebrate other holidays?

Or folks who want to maintain the separation of Church and State?
Oh no,  wait, I mean INFIDELS!!!! AMERICA-HATING INFIDELS!!!!!

And every Spring they pretend there's a "War on Easter" to be fought.

Heck, they've even discovered a "War on Halloween"

Even though the only people who tend to object to Halloween are evangelical Christians who object to the holiday's pagan roots and scary "occultic" overtones. In other words, FOX news viewers.

But what about Thanksgiving?

Because Thanksgiving is actually under attack by the obscene spectacle known as "Black Friday." People are actually having their Thanksgivings taken away from them by stores who now not only insist that their employees be at work before the crack of dawn the day after, but now don't even close for Thanksgiving itself.

Where is the outrage on the right?

Why does the "pro-family" crowd raise no objection to people being deprived of family time in the service of feeding America's frenzy of acquisitiveness and materialism?

What's a bigger affront to holiday tradition, a cashier wishing you "Happy Holidays" or having a Thanksgiving that goes like this:  "Gee, Grandma, everything smells so good, you've really outdone yourself this year. . . well, got to go sell some cheap electronics or I'll be unemployed. See you at Christmas hopefully!" 

See you later. Those robot dogs aren't going to sell themselves!

Every year it gets worse and worse. The entire concept of "Black Friday" is grotesque enough to begin with. Once the term "Black Friday" went from being backroom retailer jargon to part of the everyday lexicon of normal people, we lost a part of our national soul. Once flyers began proudly announcing "Black Friday Sales!" we as a society should have stood up and said "No! We will not create a holiday based on celebrating your corporate profitability!" But we didn't. We allowed this indignity to infect our culture and it quickly spread like a cancer.

First it spread to Midnight of Thanksgiving day. Which of course meant that store employees were forced to leave their families by 10 or 11 that evening.

Then the stores began opening earlier and earlier Thursday evening until they got to the point where many stay open the entire holiday. As if it were just another day to make sales.

So where are the FOX News special reports on the "War on Thanksgiving?" Why does the one holiday that is actually under attack not see the same umbrage raised  as those holidays whose attacks are pure fiction?

Could it be because this war is being waged by large powerful corporations in the interest of increased profits? Instead of by "secular humanists" or whichever right-wing bogeymen are launching the imaginary wars on other holidays? Nah. . . couldn't be.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Asshole Response of the Day

Representative Peter King somehow managed to outdo all the usual suspects with his assholish response to Darren Wilson's . . . not acquittal, exactly, but being allowed to walk free after having committed murder.

Sure, your Coulters and your Nugents did the expected bald-faced racism thing, but King took being a disgusting prick to a whole new level.

Peter King: President Obama should invite Officer Darren Wilson to the W.H.

Okay, first of all, the last time President Obama invited a racist cop to the White House, you right-wingers went apoplectic.

Second. Why the fuck would this guy get an invite to the White House? He killed an unarmed kid and you want to treat him like he just won the Super Bowl?

Even if you're enough of a racist toolbag to believe Wilson's story, there was certainly nothing heroic about what he did. In his version, he was so scared by Micheal Brown's "angry face" that he emptied his gun into him from 35 feet away. Even if you're able to do enough mental gymnastics to convince yourself that this wasn't murder, it's pretty shcoking cowardice.

“I think it would be very helpful if President Obama went and met with the police officer, or invited him to the White House and said, ‘You’ve gone through four months of smear and slander, and the least we can do is tell you that it’s unfortunate that it happened and thank you for doing your job,’” the New York Republican told Fox Business on Tuesday

The late Micheal Brown has gone through 4 months of smear and slander in addition to having been murdered. Wilson has been on a paid vacation during which some people have pointed out the he killed an unarmed kid who was no threat to him which is totally what he did. But sure, obviously he deserves the thanks of a grateful nation for doing his "job." Why the fuck not? Brown's family hasn't had enough metaphorical slaps in the face, let's have the President treat his kiuller like a national goddamm hero. 

“I thought it was terrible how, over the last four months, a narrative was put out there by our national leaders and by many in the media presuming that the police officer was guilty,” King said.

Name one.
Name one "national leader" who made any comments presuming Wilson's guilt. Name one.  And name me some of the "many in the media" who didn't go with the old "he says A, the witnesses say B, I guess we'll never know!" Go ahead. I'm all ears.

King was not happy with Obama’s remarks, and said, “I wish he had said one good word about the police, one good word about Officer Wilson, who has gone through all this.”

Jeezus Christ! Wilson has "gone through all this?" Wilson has? See. I would have thought that the people who have "gone through" a lot would be those who lost their son, those who lost their friend, and all the people who have been told once again by the "Justice" system that their lives don't count. That they can be shot down in the street at any time and no one will ever be called to account. I would have thought that those people had gone through a lot these last few months. But obviously I'm wrong. Obviously, it's much tougher to have kllled a person and have to worry that there's an off chance that the prosecutor might accidentally get an indictment. That's what's really tough.

Even by Republican standards Peter King is a sick piece of shit.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Here we go again. . .

You have got to be fuckin' kidding me!

Boehner: I'm ready to 'reappoint' members to special Benghazi panel in new Congress

facepalm animated GIF

Ughhhhhhh. . . how is there still a Benghazi committee? It's like still having the Warren Commission.
It's done.  All your phony "questions" have been answered. Do you seriously have this little dignity?

“On September 11, 2012, four Americans were killed in a brutal terrorist attack in Libya. Two years later, the American people still have far too many questions about what happened that night — and why,” Boehner said in the statement.

No the "American people" do not have "far too many questions." Only the chucklefucks that believe the bullshit folks like you spew on FOX news have questions. For sane people, all the questions have been answered. At this point, you're pandering to the Alex Jones demographic.

And Boehner knows better. He's not this stupid. He's not Steve King or Louie Gohmert or Michele Bachmann. He knows this is bullshit and he's doing it anyway. Because he feels like he has to kiss the teabagging asses of the kind of people who think King, Gohmert, and Bachmann deserve positions of responsibility. The kind of people who spend half the day with their thumbs up their asses and the other half wondering why their thumbs taste funny.

“That’s why I will reappoint Rep. Trey Gowdy and the Republican members of the House Select Committee to investigate the events in Benghazi in the 114th Congress. I look forward to the definitive report Chairman Gowdy and the Select Committee will present to the American people.” 

You look forward to a definitive report. There has already been a . . . how can you look forward to something that has already happened?

Hey, when you're done, maybe you could look into the Lindbergh baby case. Maybe appoint a special committee to check out who's making them crop circles?Was it aliens? 
God damn you, History Channel!

Monday, November 24, 2014

Bad Ads - Guinness

First of all, this is just so maudlin and dreary. My grandma would have called it "schmaltzy."  And using the strong emotional reactions that people have about the troops to sell your product is unseemly at best. It's just really tacky.

But the really odd thing is the choice of music. The song that they play under the ad is "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" which most people know either as a church hymn or as the song Robert Mitchum sings in Night of the Hunter. So it's either kind of sacrilegious or creepy.

Night of the Hunter, by the way, is an underrated movie. You should give it a viewing if its on Netflix or Hulu or whatever. Kind of a sad story about this movie, it was the first feature directed by actor Charles Laughton. The reviews were so cruel that he never directed another. Which is a shame because the problems with this movie were in the script, not the direction. He actually does some pretty cool camera stuff with light and shadows and whatnot. Check out Roger Ebert's glowing review :

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Witch Hunt Fails to Find any Witches

So the final ultimate super-duper select committee on the BenghaziBenghaziBengahziImpeachTCOT!!! scandal has filed its final report and even the super sleuths of the Issa Mystery Machine committee found that there was zero wrongdoing on the part of the administration. Zero intelligence failures. Zero delays in response. Zero lies told to the American people.

So it's finally over. We can finally put this nonsense to bed and get on to dealing with actual problems that actually exist. And we'll never have to hear another word. . .

Hahahaha! You wish!

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) on Sunday blasted a House GOP-led investigation that recently debunked myths about the 2012 Benghazi attack. 
“I think the report is full of crap,” Graham said on CNN’s “State of the Union.”

Sighhhhhh. . .  of course.

Keep fucking that chicken, Lindsey!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Douche quote of the day

When asked if he felt embarrassed about his new contract paying him more per day than mosr Americans make per year, Giancarlo Stanton said this:

.Giancarlo Stanton Quote


You play a game for a living.

What you do is not really "work."  it is certainly not a "huge responsibility."

This is what a job with "huge responsibility" looks like: 

This is what your job looks like:

Huge responsibility:

Your job:

 Spot the difference?

Of course, Stanton's answer may be less douchey than the headline under which it appeared:

Giancarlo Stanton Nailed It When Asked About Making More In 1 Day Than Most Americans Make In A Year

 Business Insider

 Like that was the best possible answer he could have given. There is just no imaginable scenario in which a ballplayer comes up with a better justification for his obscene salary than "um, I do work!" Bullseye, motherfucker!

So why does Business Insider's Cork Gaines (wait. . .Cork? really?) think this was such a spot-on perfect answer?

What Stanton did not point out is that a lot of work went into getting to where he is. While many Americans work hard, Stanton happens to do it in an industry with a lot of money and he does it as well as anybody else in the world.

Ohhhh, right. . . lots of "hard work."

Yeah, it totally makes sense that someone who works hard and excels at a sports game should be paid as much ad, oh, say 500 people who work hard and excel at, say, putting their lives on the line in service to their country? Or educating the next generation? Or building our nation's infrastructure?

So, at Stanton's press conference to announce the contract signing, one reporter asked the slugger if he was embarrassed to make more in one day ($69,000 on average throughout the contract) than most Americans make in an entire year.
Showing why he is this country's next superstar that is more than just a great ballplayer, Stanton kept his poise, smiled, and delivered the perfect answer, noting that this contract "isn't like a lottery ticket."

Wow, I mean if you could keep your poise under those circumstances. . . being asked about the millions and m,illions of dollars you're going to be paid, I mean most of us would probably collapse weeping or throw a chair Bobby Knight style if someone asked us about our newly acquired vast fortune. But he actually managed to smile and say words?


Thursday, November 20, 2014

How is this a Congressman?

You know, they always say you can't judge a book by its cover, but sometimes you can. Because "Screwy Louie" Gohmert is exactly as stupid and nutty as he looks.

Just check out the sentence-fragment casserole he served up while discussing the inevitable next government shutdown that he and his fellow tantrum babies are undoubtedly going to produce:

“But if we’re funding everything he wants except for certain items that are his little pet piece [sic] or saying, like, we’re not going to fund any more golf outings or any more trips, vacations where he and his family travel on different planes. Just things in America go, really Mr. President, you can keep the government running and yet you’re the one saying, ‘No I want my golf outings, I want my czar for this and my czar for that,’ really, you will shut down the government over that?”

How does that even make sense?

I guess if you pretend that a president golfing is something shockingly unusual

And maybe if you pretend that "czars" are somehow , um, something that, um. . . presidents only appoint for frivolous reasons? Or that they're somehow sinister, or that Republicans weren't demanding the appointment of an ebola czar just, like, a month ago? Maybe that might make some kind of sense?

No. It still wouldn't.

I guess if you also pretended that Obama would allow you to shut down the government if you threatened to prevent him playing golf? And that you shutting down the government somehow equals the President shutting down the government?
Then, maybe?

Pretendin' is fun!

How is this a Congressman? 

Think of the stupidest co-worker you've ever had. Gohmert is stupider. Think of your nuttiest relative - the one that you're dreading seeing this Thanksgiving. Gohmert is nuttier. And yet people thought it was a good idea to put him in a position of responsibility. It's mind-blowing. 

Although it's not as horrifying as the fact that this man used to be a judge! He got to make decisions that altered people's lives! Could you imagine going to court seeking justice and seeing this looking down from the bench?


Ah sentence you to be frozen in carbonite and sent to Tatooine! 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

People defending the indefensible

What the hell is wrong with Whoopi Goldberg?

First she defends Roman Polanski, saying that what he committed wasn't "'Rape' rape."

Now she has "a lot of questions" for the women accusing Bill Cosby of drugging and raping them?

Whoopi Goldberg: “I have a lot of questions” for Bill Cosby rape accusers

"The View" co-hosts expressed general skepticism that Cosby raped more than a dozen women over several decades

“Quite honestly, you know, look, I’m sorry, having been on both sides of this where people allege that you do something, it doesn’t matter now,” Goldberg said. “The cat is out of the bag, people have it in their heads. I have a lot of questions for the lady. Maybe she’ll come on.”

You know, I could see maybe if it was one woman. Maybe if there was only one woman saying that Bill Cosby had drugged and raped her, maybe you might think she was a deranged fan or something, but it's been like 12 or 13 different women with very similar stories. And you have "a lot of questions?"

Although Whoopi's "lot of questions" probably aren't as bad as Don Lemon's one question.
Interviewing one of Cosby's accusers, Lemon actually had the gall to ask this:

LEMON: And you said he made you perform oral sex.
LEMON: You -- you know, there are ways not to perform oral sex if you didn't want to do it.
TARSHIS: Oh. Um, I was kind of stoned at the time, and quite honestly, that didn't even enter my mind. Now I wish it would have.
LEMON: Right. Meaning the using of the teeth, right?
TARSHIS: Yes, that's what I'm thinking you're --
LEMON: As a weapon.
TARSHIS: Yeah, I didn't even think of it.
LEMON: Biting. So, um --
LEMON: Yes. I had to ask. I mean, it is, yeah.

No. No you didn't. You absolutely did not have to ask. The only person who might possibly feel compelled to ask that question would be Bill Cosby's defense attorney and I gotta think even he would say "no, I'm a sleazebag lawyer, but even I have my limits."

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Today in traditional marriage

Charles Manson gets license to wed 26-year-old he said he wouldn't marry!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/manson24n-3-web.jpg

It's just a shame that California's recognition of same-sex marriage has cheapened this sacred union.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Idiot Boycotts Women, Women Probably Not All That Heartbroken

So some individual decided to respond to my last post with an explanation of why he is "boycotting" American women. I assume he is "boycotting" them in much the same way that I am refusing to play Major League Baseball. Except that Major League Baseball is probably not creeped out by me and thankful for my refusal to participate.

Anyway, he included a link to his website, So what was I gonna do, not check it out?

It did not disappoint.

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

Well, I'm gonnna say about 80-90% of American men?

Also, in what country do women (or men) not cheat, get divorced, gain weight, etc?

 This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

Because there are obviously women of many nations just lining up to date and marry the kind of American men who think they're too good for American women! 
 He hates all the women in his country? We're on our way!

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

Right. And the guy who thinks he's too good for every one of the 150 million women in this nation is obviously extremely mature, selfless, humble, altruistic and mentally sound. And you're seriously going to complain about women being "unchaste?" You do know that's the only way you get to have sex, right? If women are being all "chaste," only gay men get to have any sex.  And if the women of America are being "highly unchaste," and most of these women are hetero, that means American men must also be pretty darned "unchaste" themselves.

So, here's the first article on his site:

Israel Star of David flag

Why do so many Jewish men marry Asian women?

Has anyone else noticed how common it is to see Jewish men with Asian women? 

Um, no. No I haven't. Of course, I don't go around checking the ethnicity of every couple I run across because I'm not a psychotic racist asshole, but okay, I'll take your word for it. Let's say there are a lot of Jewish man / Asian woman couples out there. So what?

I have a theory as to why this is. Jewish American women tend to be some of the worst bitches on earth.

Wow! WOW! That happened so quickly! It took all of one sentence to go full-on mysogynist and anti-Semite! I don't understand why American women don't love this guy!

Loud, control freaks, obnoxious, crazy, and just outright nasty vicious toxic people. Jewish men thus learn from a young age to dislike Jewish women, starting with their own mothers.

Yes. Jewish men just haaaaaate their mothers. Obviously.

I can only think of a couple of Jewish women that I actually know personally, but neither of them could be described as loud, obnoxious, nasty, vicious or toxic. Granted, that's not a very large sample, so I Googled "Famous Jewish women" and oh my God, look at these loud, vicious, obnoxious ladies!

Ugh! Who would ever want to marry one of them?

Are you maybe basing your view of Jewish women on reruns of Judge Judy? 

'cuz, yeah, she can be a bit of a control freak.

Therefore Jewish men look for the OPPOSITE of a Jewish American woman, and that would be a submissive, polite, beautiful Asian woman.

Um, you think Asian women are "submissive?" Have you met any? 

So delicate!

Out of all the Jewish men I know, practically all of them are either married to an Asian woman or are actively looking for an Asian woman to marry. To them all, I say congratulations and may you all be happy with your Asian wives! G-d bless!
And then, I swear to God, he includes THIS picture!

Because, yeah, that's a great example! You know how Jewish men love to marry their girlfriends' adopted daughters!

So sorry, American women. This guy is "boycotting" you! Try not to let it break your hearts.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Who's Stupider?

You know what we haven't done in a while?
We haven't played "Who's Stupider?"'s Stupider?

Let's play!

Contestant #1: Ted Cruz.

Ted hails from Canada, where he likes being a delusional asshole and mis-understanding children's books.

Ted, what do ya got for us today?

Wow! Well played, Ted! What you've basically said here is "I don't understand what net neutrality is and also I don't understand what Obaamcare is, but I'm sure I hate both of them." Also, pretending that Obamacare isn't working, which it is despite your party's continual attempts at sabotage? Nice touch!

The level of ignorance, actual or feigned, in this this statement is really stunning. Contestant # 2 has his work cut out for him.

Contestant # 2: Lindsay Graham.

Lindsay hails from one of the Carolinas ( the bad one) where his hobbies include thinking up new countries that need invading and being totally, completely a heterosexual woman-loving macho man!

Lindsey? Have at it!

Lindsey Graham Accuses President Obama Of Acting Like A 'Spoiled Child'


Hmm, okay. That's a lot of projection, coming from one of the chief crybabies of the Congressional tantrum caucus, but you're going to need a bit more stupid to beat Ted Cruz.

 He [Obama]'s completely tone deaf as to the results of this election. Even those who didn't vote Mr. President are polled about your policies. They don't like them any more than the people who did vote. So if he goes it alone on immigration I think not only will it poison the well but there will be a backlash against him that will flow over on Democrats yet again.

Dang!  Pretending that the well hasn't been poisoned over and over again by you and your Republican colleagues? And pretending that the people who stayed home on election day caount as votes for your side? I don't know, that just seems more dishonest than stupid.

GRAHAM: Well, we've got a lot of bills that came from the House to the Senate with bipartisan support from the House that died in the Senate, the Keystone pipeline. I want to take the defense cuts under sequestration which will gut our military and replace them with something more balanced. There are so many areas out there that we could work together. 

Okay, pretending that defense cuts would "gut" the largest, most bloated military the world has ever seen? Now that's pretty stupid! But pretending that there is the slightest possibility of Republicans being willing to work with the President? I believe we have a tie!

And this tie can only be broken American Idol style, by audience voting. Leave your votes in the comments!

They finally found some voter fraud!

They finally found the reprehensible felon responsible for defrauding the American electoral system!

And it's this lady:

Young Mother Arrested For Voting In Iowa

By karoli November 11, 2014 6:30 am

You see, this nice lady went down to the election place and registered to vote and then actually voted even though, unbeknownst to her, she was not actually allowed to do those things. Which might not sound like all that serious a crime, but. . .

Two months after I cast my ballot as a civics lesson for my daughter, the Iowa Department of Criminal Investigation agents parked across the street from my house, questioned me, and eventually arrested me and charged me with voter fraud.

  Which carries a sentence of up to FIFTEEN YEARS!

Of course, all of this horribly fraudulent fraud could have been prevented if only Iowa has a voter ID law. . . oh, wait. . .
They do.

And yet, this dangerous criminal was able to register and vote, just as she would have been had there not been a voter ID law, then someone with too much time on his hands checked the voter rolls against  state criminal records, just as they could have done had there been no ID law and found a match, just as they could have done without a voter ID law and then decided for some ungodly reason to have this woman arrested for doing what many consider her civic duty. Just as they could have done without a voter ID law. You don't need a voter ID law to catch dangerously felonious felons like Kelli Jo Griffin, you just have to be the kind of asshole who hates when people get to vote.

Oh, and the reason she doesn't get to vote? Let her explain:

Let me explain: When I was convicted on a nonviolent drug charge in 2008, my defense attorney told me that once I served my probation, I would regain my right to vote automatically – correct information at the time. But Gov. Terry Branstad suddenly changed the rules in 2011, and now all citizens with a felony conviction lose their voting rights for life. 

Now, I'm no legal expert, but how is that not an ex post facto law? Shouldn't that only apply to people convicted after 2011? Any lawyers out there want to enlighten me?

Anyway, it's reassuring to see that the right-wing wasn't just being total dicks about voting. They actually were protecting our democracy from an actual, serious threat.

This lady: