At some point between now and Boxing day, some people with whom you are required to spend time may engage in the practice known as "singing Christmas songs." Naturally, you being a cynical, jaded bastard, will not enjoy this activity. But you may be under a certain amount of pressure to "join in," lest you be labeled a "Scrooge" or "grinch" or some other such nonsense. So here's a couple of tips to make the singing of these songs more bearable.
1. Replace the word "Christmas" with "Swiss Miss." Then they become songs about your love of cocoa which is infinitely less saccharine than the love of an over-commercialized corporatized holiday.
Try it out.
"I'll be home for Swiss Miss"
Damn right I will!
"I'm dreaming of a white Swiss Miss"
Swiss Miss doesn't make a white chocolate version,
but you can dream.
"I'll have a Blue Swiss Miss without you"
Still better than no Swiss Miss at all!
2. Replace the name "Santa Claus" to something more fun. Like "Panda Paws."
"Here come panda claws, here come panda claws, right down panda claws lane."
"I saw Mommy kissing panda paws."
Could you blame her? They're so adorable!
Or try other combinations of words.
Candy bras are comin' to town!
3. Remember that there are good Christmas songs: