Saturday, November 7, 2015

Rick Santorum is a silly, silly man

Rick Santorum is, believe it or not, still technically running for president.

And here's proof:
. . . in an effort to remind us all he’s out there, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide, Santorum sent out a delightful fundraising letter today, captured by Dave Weigel at the Washington Post    

President Obama is chicken!
Yeah, I said it… because someone had to!

 Yeah, no. No one had to say that. No one had to lob a juvenile playground taunt at the president. Especially one that seems based on absolutely nothing.
 If you're going to call someone "chicken," you have to be able to back that up with something. You have to be able to say "President Obama is chicken. I totally double-dog-dared him to jump off the top of the monkey bars and he totally wouldn't."

President Obama is chicken!
Yeah, I said it… because someone had to!
I’ve dealt with the liberal mainstream media for years. They hate us!

 Okay, see. . . that doesn't follow. If you're going to open with "President Obama is chicken," you need to follow that with "but I'm totally not. I'm the bravest boy in the world. This one time, I went to a cemetery at night all by myself." You can't follow up "Obama is chicken" with "boy, don't you hate that mainstream press?" That's not a smooth segue. It's not a segue at all. It's more like a jarring jump-cut for no reason.

I’ve dealt with the liberal mainstream media for years. They hate us!
But last week’s CNBC debate was a joke and everyone knows it!

Well, when you put up a slate of candidates that look like the cast of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, you can hardly  be surprised it turns into a joke.

Now President Obama mocks us – CONSERVATIVES - for standing up to CNBC? Give me a break! He doesn’t have the guts to appear with Sean Hannity or Mark Levin, let alone take on radical world leaders!

Well, sure, if by "standing up to" you mean whining and crying about how the big meanies at CNBC  were so unfair to you, then sure. You totally stood up to them.
And also, sure the President should totally take time out of his busy schedule to go on with one of the most ridiculous right-wing hacks on FOX and/or some guy I never heard of who apparently has a radio show, you know, if he wasn't so scared of them. 

I’ve taken on the ladies of The View. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Bill Maher. And I’ve debated Rachel Maddow and won.

 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! The Ladies of the View!
Ooh, you took on Raven Symone and lived to tell the tale?

You stood up to the Fearsome Foursome and survived?

 I'm scared just looking at them!

Also, you may well have debated Rachel Maddow, but I promise you you didn't win.

More importantly, I’ve taken on ISIS and Iran.

When have you taken on ISIS?
I'm pretty sure it would have been on the news if you had strapped on a helmet, picked up a weapon and flown to Syria to take on ISIS. 

It's really disturbing how much "cute kid soldier" clip-art is out there.

You're just lying. Even your glue-sniffing, cousin-loving supporters aren't going to believe that you've "Taken on ISIS and Iran." How can you just throw that out without anything to back it up?

Unless. . . do you mean that you've "said bad things" about ISIS and Iran? That you've wagged your finger or shaken your fist at ISIS and Iran?
Did you give them the frowning of a lifetime? 

I’ve taken on ISIS and Iran. They know who I am and I know who they are! 

Okay. But honestly, pretty much everyone knows who ISIS and Iraq are. Whether they know who you are is somewhat less likely. But if they do, I assure you, they are laughing.
Because Rick Santorum, you are a silly, silly man!