Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Voyage of the Damned

The National Review is hosting a cruise!
Usually, cruises are fun, but this cruise is, shall we say, unusual?
They have a whole bunch of Speakers!
Here's your headliner:

Karl Rove

But wait, there's more!

Phyllis Schlafly

(apparently still alive, but I wouldn't bet money on it. This has "weekend at Bernie's"
written all over it)

Jonah Goldberg

Bernie Goldberg
(apparently, Lucianne Goldberg was unavailable)

Andrew Breitbart

And the list goes on. Now, it's gonna set you back a few thou for this sneak preview of Hell, but I think I can approximate the experience here for free. Here goes:

Hi, welcome aboard Satan's Shit-boat Cruise Lines. I see you'll be sharing a stateroom with Charles Manson. What? No, not that Charles Manson! Boy, he gets that a lot. No, don't worry, this isn't Charles Manson the murderer. This is Charles Manson the pack of incontinent howler monkeys with boundary issues.

So, here's your itinerary, we'll be making stops at Razor-sand Beach, Syphilis Bay, and the Island of Inappropriate Stepfathers. Oh, and of course, Fire Island. Gay? No, not that Fire Island! This is an Island that is actually on fire. You'll go ashore and spend the night there.

We also make a short visit to the Men's room of the Minneapolis Airport, where you'll meet our special guest. (he's a Senator!) Then on to Sodomy Creek, The River Styx, the Sea of Despair, and the Jersey Shore.

Oh, and you'll love our activities! There's being locked in a closet, Eric Massa's special massages, and watching MTV!
No, we don't have swimming with dolphins, but we do offer having your limbs fed to Orcas. Oh, it's wonderful. Those magnificent creatures really put on a show!

And don't forget to check out our all-you-can-eat bread and water buffet!

Crazy Candidate of the Day -- Incumbent edition

It's Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC) with her crackpot theory about Mexican Hezbollahs or something:

So, let me see if I got this straight, Hezbollah doesn't have enough to do in Syria, so they're going to Venezuela, learning Spanish, then sneaking in to the US to do evil deeds. And they think that if they are stopped by Border Patrol, the smart thing to say is "I'm Mexican!" Oh, you're Mexican? Sorry to bother you senor! Go right on ahead. Here I was worried that you might be one of those Syrians who keep sneaking into San Diego. No, we Border Patrol types welcome Mexicans!

Also, you need to be trained in linguistics to be able to distinguish between Arabic and Spanish? Really? I guess if you think all them foreign languages sound perty much alike to you, and all them sorta brownish people look the same, then you might have trouble telling the difference between a Middle Eastern terrorist and a Mexican migrant.

Also, whenever someone begins with "when you start putting the pieces together. . ." you can just go ahead and tune them out, because what's coming next is going to be a giant crock of craziness.