It's that time of year again. Time for CPAC, the right-wing Olympics, in which conservative shitheads compete in events like Who Can Tell The Stupidest Lie and Who Can Be The Most Offensive.
In the normal person Olympics, there are categories like Track and Field, Aquatics, or Cycling. In the shitlympics of CPAC, most events are organized into 4 major categories: Dishonesty, Insanity, Stupidity, and Shamelessness.
It's early in the competition yet, but let's check in with some of our contestants.
One of the first notable participants was the "My Pillow" guy, Mike Lindell.
Until recently, Lindell was known only for making a pillow that is pretty much the same a s any standard pillow you'd find in any Target or Wal-Mart and somehow convincing people to pay 50 bucks for them. So he's definitely got shamelessness going for him. Let's see his floor routine.
Mike Lindell, a conservative Christian and owner of My Pillow, asserted on Thursday that President Donald Trump has been “chosen by God.”
Now ordinarily, a move like this would be considered to have a high degree of difficulty, but this is CPAC, where everyone ptetty much already believes that, so he's going to have to add a new wrinkle if he wants to pull down a high score.
During Thursday’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), Lindell told the audience that Jesus had saved him from alcoholism and crack addiction.
Ooh, and he's veering a bit off-topic, this might not play well with the judges. They do love a good Jesus story, but acknowledging that white people get hooked on crack? They may deduct a full point for that. We'll have to wait and see.
“I woke up from years of addiction, and I was oblivious as to what was going on in our country,” he explained. “What I saw before me were friends unemployed, terrible political correctness, people saying happy holidays instead of merry Christmas
Oh, wow! Nicely played! The very thought that the biggest problems our country faced were unemployment and the fact that it wasn't really cool to say racist shit? They're gonna love that at CPAC. And the cherry on top: the fantasy of people afraid to say the words "merry" and "Christmas" even though everyone says those words all the time the entire month of December, that's a sure crowd-pleaser!
“Donald Trump invited me to the meet him at Trump Tower in New York City,” Lindell said. “I walked into his office with high hopes on August 15th, 2016. I walked out of that office after meeting with him and I knew God had chosen him for such a time as this.”
And he sticks the landing!
But, as we said earlier, the low degree of difficulty may cost him here. It's been widely accepted on the right for years that the President of the United States is chosen specifically by God himself to lead the free world unless he's a Democrat. He's really not pulling out anything the judges haven't seen a thousand times before.
Lindell added: “God answered our prayers, our millions of prayers and gave us grace, and a miracle happened on November 8th, 2016. We were given a second chance and time granted to get our country back on track with our conservative values and getting people saved in Jesus name.”
I would say he's beating a dead horse at this point, but to be fair, this is CPAC, where dead horses are beaten like rented mules and these folks eat that shit up.
Now let's head over to the main stage where former governor Scott Walker is preparing to compete in Most oOtrageous Lie:
Holy shit -- here's @ScottWalker suggesting some people "take the baby home and kill the baby at home."— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) February 28, 2019
"By the way, it's not live-birth abortion. It's not infanticide. It is murder if you take the baby home and kill the baby at home, it's murder."
Nobody disagrees with that! pic.twitter.com/w6Q8B6wDrA
Wow! A very strong opening round from Walker! That lie is going to be hard to beat. The combination of the audacity, the brazen untruthfulness, and the repulsive quality - - well, that's just not something you see every day.
Now our forst international competitor, Sebastion Gorka from God knows what country - FakeAccentistan? Gorka is an experienced veteran in the sport of outrageous lying and is also a Nazi.
Former Trump White House official Sebastian Gorka: "They want to take away your hamburgers. This is what Stalin dreamt about but never achieved."— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) February 28, 2019
Oooh. That came up a bit short. I mean, it's completely absurd of course, absurdity has always been Gorka's strong suit, but I don't think we're really seeing the offensiveness that it would take to hang in there with Walker. Gorka's lie is laughable, but not in a way that you would feel guilty about laughing. No mention of dead babies, no accusations of infanticide. . . just not his best work. And the judges agree.
It's going to be tough for Gorka to medal this year.
And I'm getting word now that another former governor, Maine's Paul LePage, has entered the competition offsite.
That's right, Perfessor. LePage is not even at CPAC, but this entry could earn him at least a silver in Blatant Racism.
Speaking to the hosts of the WVOM morning show this week, former Governor Paul LePage lambasted a bill being considered by Maine’s legislature to join with other states to essentially bypass the Electoral College and ensure that the President is elected by the national popular vote.
“Actually what would happen if they do what they say they’re gonna do is white people will not have anything to say. It’s only going to be the minorities that would elect. It would be California, Texas, Florida,” said LePage.
Oh, and that's a stunningly racist statement from LePage! Very few contestants are able to avoid the "sugarcoating" trap and just pour out straight 100-proof vintage racism like that. We haven't seen a racist this strong since the days of Strom Thurmond and Lester Maddox! I gotta say, this makes him the man to beat in this event.
Well, that's all the time we have tonight. Tune in tomorrow for more coverage of the 2019 Shitllympics. Brought to you by overpriced mediocre pillows!