Monday, March 30, 2009

Gwyneth Paltrow

Yes, Apple, I'd cry too.

First, she names her daughter Apple. Look, I know you must be bitter about being saddled with the ridiculous name Gwyneth, but don't take it out on the kid.
Then, she prances around with a Madonna-level fake British accent saying crap like “I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans,” Which, granted, is probably true, but you don't say it out loud.

But now I find out that she has an ultra-pretentious website called "GOOP"
Yes, GOOP. Maybe she let Apple name it.

The site has six categories: "make" "go" "get" "do" "be" and "see'.
In other words, the great Gwyneth will tell you what to make, tell you where to go, what or who to be, etc.
Let's have a look, shall we?

This week we have a BE that focuses on the question of how to BE with one’s children. There are some familiar voices below, but I have also enlisted the wisdom of two other incredible women, Heidi Butz and Camila Batmanghelidjh. Their responses made me realize that we are all always in the process of evolving, and you do not need to have children to benefit from these ladies’ amazing insights. Simply regard yourself as the child we are asking about, no matter your age, and see what comes up for you.

Thank God! Thank you, God! Parents everywhere were wondering how to raise their children. It seemed so cruel to deprive them of the guidance of a second-rate actress. Oh, please God, tell me there's more!

And if I can humbly add one small idea to their thoughts..

No, I don't believe you can humbly do anything, but do go on.

it has been my personal experience (both as a child and a mother) that children are like little radios picking up our frequency. They know the real truth about what we are feeling versus what we are presenting and it is incredibly isolating to find a major discrepancy between the two. When in my grown-up sphere I am confronted with disappointment or my own intolerance and a bad mood to boot, I often name what is going on (in other words, I say, "Mommy is having a hard day, and I am feeling upset") so that the very mundane human “bad” feelings do not turn into some grim phantom in the room with me. Sometimes I don’t have the maturity in the moment, and when it fails me, I apologize at bedtime when my children and I are having a talk. I have felt my daughter’s whole body sigh in relief when I have simply and very specifically voiced regretting my own behavior.

AAAUUGH!! My Gag reflex!

Ok, enough "be," let's try something else. Tell us, Oh Gwyneth, where should we go?

New York

Ok, New York. That should be Ok, I think. You're not going to ruin it for us, are you?

As much as I am a product of many places, I am a New York girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious city and it is a part of who I am. I was an uptown kid and a downtown grownup and this duality helps define me. I still get an indescribable buzz when I am in New York. I suppose it's the feeling that so many worlds co-exist, that you can lose yourself in any one of them at almost any hour of the day. There will be more newsletters on this great city, with love letters to match. In this issue of GOOP, we will start with restaurants and hotels. I ♥ NY.

Oh, God Damn it! Now I don't think I can ever go to New York! I thought you didn't like America. New York is America, you know.
What about movies? Everyone likes movies. What should we see?

I’m not one of those film people who can tell you who the cinematographer was on On The Waterfront or who most influenced Truffaut. When it comes to knowledge of film history, I’m semi-rubbish (a friend of mine once left the dinner table when I admitted I had never seen one of the most famous and most well-regarded films of all time).

Oh my God, you actually have a friend more pretentious than you?
And no one, ever has used the phrase semi-rubbish. I know it's important to you to try and sound British, but come on.

The films I love best usually contain a breathtaking female performance (The Reader, Sophie’s Choice, Klute), as the genius of a creative woman inspires me in all areas of my life.

Oh, great. You've just put me off actresses. Great. now the only movies I can watch are Sleuth and Lawrence of Arabia. Thanks.

I can see why you prefer to live in a country where no one has a gun. I'm fighting the urge to purchase a .38 and a one-way ticket to London.

JP Morgan Chase

Embattled bank JPMorgan Chase, the recipient of $25 billion in TARP funds, is going ahead with a $138 million plan to buy two new luxury corporate jets and build "the premier corporate aircraft hangar on the eastern seaboard" to house them, ABC News has learned. The financial giant's upgrade includes nearly $120 million for two Gulfstream 650 planes and $18 million for a lavish renovation of a hangar at the Westchester Airport outside New York City. The Gulfstream 650's are described by the manufacturer as the "fastest," "widest" and "most comfortable" private jet ever with superior cabin amenities, an optional stateroom, and 12 interior designs to choose from.

That is it! I can't take any more of this shit! My head is in the process of exploding! These ratfuck bastards drive the economy into a ditch, demand that we bail them out, then they spit in our faces. Give us our fucking money back, you sons of bitches! If anyone sees one of the JP Morgan executives, please, I beg you, kick him square in the balls. I'll make it worth your while. Seriously, I'll buy you donuts.