Thursday, March 20, 2014

A question for Canadians

Let me go on record, first, as saying that I love Canada. My wife's family hails from Canada (Montreal and the Sault) and although I've only been there a couple of times I love everything about your wonderful country. That being said, is this considered normal up there?


We've started watching a really good Canadian cop show called Durham County (Netflix, check it out). On this show, the cop's younger daughter often sports this weird anime-looking mask. At first we assumed that she was just a weird kid, but then they show her talking to another little girl in a similar mask. And then she has a birthday party and a bunch of little girls are wearing these nightmare-inducing masks. So I have to ask. Is this a thing in Canada? Is this something that is popular with the kids up there? Because if it is, I'm afraid to ever go back there.

Who names mailboxes?

The companies who manufacture and sell mailboxes employ people whose job it is to come up with names for the various models. Apparently, those people are insane. Look at the names they come up with:

That's right, the "Elite!" Let all your neighbors know that you are a member of that elite strata of society that can afford a TWENTY-DOLLAR mailbox! Just like Lord Grantham probably has. I mean, a tin box in which to receive your mailings? clearly only a member of the landed gentry could own such a prize.

  Oh, wait. I stand corrected

 Rubbermaid Gentry All-in-One Plastic Mailbox and Post-Mount in ....

 Clearly, the gentry would have their mail delivered into a Rubbermaid all in one model.

But what if you're not some snotty elitist gentry guy? What if you're just a good ol' fashioned red-blooded "Murican?

The Rubbermaid Patriot Standard Size Plastic Post Mount Mailbox

 How? How exactly is this mailbox a "patriot?" I'm fairly sure that inanimate objects, such as a mailbox, are incapable of feeling any such emotion as patriotism. Lacking the ability to feel feelings, there is no way that a mailbox feels any sort of attachment to its home country, and if it did, it would probably feel that love for China. So what makes this "patriotic?" It's not like it's red white and blue. It doesn't have a picture of Uncle Sam making love to a bald eagle. It's just a plain grey mailbox. Could it be that maybe the marketing folks just sat around and thought "what words do people react positively to? Oh, I know, national chauvinism! No, wait, even better. . . Patriotism!"

Of course, you might not be all that patriotic. Maybe you're some sort of Anglophile or some other sort of traitor. Well, they have a box for you, too!

Solar Group WMH00B04 Windsor Mailbox

Oooh, I say!  Pass the tea and crumpets. Why, blimey we must be at Windsor Palace, harrumph!

Surely this is exactly the sort of accessory one might expect to see by the front door at Windsor.

If you look closely, you can see the mailbox!

But, hey, if you're going to spend your hard-earned dough on a mailbox, you might as well splurge and go with the "Deluxe" model!

Solar ST200000 Deluxe  Rural Mailbox

What makes it "rural?" Hell if I know. But just check out these deluxe features:

Features: -Mailbox.-Material: Galvanized steel.-Plastic latch and flag.-Durable ribbed body for extra strength.-Holds mail for days as well as small parcels.-Assembly required

Whoah, did you catch all that? A plastic latch AND a flag? On one mailbox? And you're saying that it "holds mail?" and assembly is required? Now that's what I call deluxe! How much would something like that set you back, anyway?

Home Depot
+$2.52 tax and $7.74 shipping

Well, I never thought that kind of luxury would come cheap, but I'm sorry, too rich for my blood. My last name ain't Rockefeller, you know!