Friday, January 24, 2014

Crazy Candidate of the Day - Really, Literally Crazy Edition

Today's crazy candidate, who may actually be really insane,
 is Alaska's Kathleen Tonn!

Of course, Alaska has a much higher standard of lunacy than the lower 48, or really anywhere else. So she's got quite a bar to clear!

Here's her little introduction from her Google-Plus page (I know, a Google-plus page, right? Who knew?)

Marching towards the Presidency of the United States of America! A candidate for Alaska US Senator 2014! Social and fiscal conservative republican.
I formerly worked at Wayland Baptist University in Anchorage, Alaska. I handled financial aid and veteran's benefits. I have a Bachelors degree in Education and a Masters in Christian Ministry. I have two sons. I am from a family of 12 children; I am number 11. I love to worship the Lord! I love the Bible!  I stand for limited government, the Declaration of Independence and the American Constitution!  I hate socialism with a passion!!! When the country collapses, what are you going to do?
Oh, she cleared that bar with enough room to fit at least a couple of Palins!

Oh, and this is her profile picture:

No, I have no idea why.
A baby who has never met his daddy and may never meet him because his daddy is off fighting a war and may not live long enough to meet his own son? That's the most depressing photo since Dorothea Lange!

And this is her "Basic Info"

Basic Information

Yep, that about sums it up!
I mean, what else would you need to know?

But so far, this is pretty garden-variety crazy. Or Republican-Primary Variety crazy, anyway. Here's where it veers into Roky Erickson-variety crazy:

This is really worth watching all the way through. But if you're reading this at work, (and shame on you!) or just don't feel like watching, let me give you the gist. She sings in tongues. Yes, sings. It's like speaking in tongues, only even sillier. Yeah, you're clicking "play" now, huh?

For those of you who can't watch, Wonkette has a partial transcript. Here's an excerpt:

“One point of clarification: Speaking in tongues or singing in tongues is very valuable because the message cannot be understood by Satan,” she continued. “But the Holy Spirit can use that message to bring deliverance, to bring clarity, to give discernment and words of wisdom and knowledge, and tongues is interpreted by a person who has the gift of interpretation. So I’m going to go fast.
 Oh, yeah, it can not be understood by Satan. Or anyone else for that matter.
Okay, here's the thing about tongue-speaking. If you believe the Bible, and if you're a tongue-speaker, I assume you do, what it says about the tongue-speaking is this:

Acts chapter 2: 4-11
All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues[a] as the Spirit enabled them. Now there were staying in Jerusalem God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven. When they heard this sound, a crowd came together in bewilderment, because each one heard their own language being spoken. Utterly amazed, they asked: “Aren’t all these who are speaking Galileans? Then how is it that each of us hears them in our native language? Parthians, Medes and Elamites; residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia,[b] 10 Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya near Cyrene; visitors from Rome 11 (both Jews and converts to Judaism); Cretans and Arabs—we hear them declaring the wonders of God in our own tongues!” 

Okay, so if you are speaking in tongues, Whoever hears you should understand exactly what you're saying no matter what language they speak. However, when these people "speak in tongues" all anyone hears is "argle bargle gooble gobble glarrrph!"

 Also, if the tongue-speaking/singing can only be understood by someone with the "gift of interpretations," what are the odds that your sauna buddy has that particular gift? Isn't it highly likely that she is a "normal person" and you're just wasting her time singing gibberish at her?

Anyway. . .Kathleen Tonn is running for Senate now, but it's almost a certainty that her journey ends at the White House. And don't worry, she's well prepared to lead this nation:

Kathleen Tonn

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I had a dream! That America will collapse under the weight of sin in the nation! My preparation is for how to lead a nation that is terrified by the collapse!!!
Well, I know I feel comforted!