Friday, April 30, 2010

Sweet Tap-Dancing Jeebus, How Is Bill Kristol Still Allowed to Talk on TV?


From Politicususa:

Fox News contributor Bill Kristol was on Special Report with Bret Baier tonight defending off shore drilling, when he made perhaps the stupidest statement of all time. He said offshore drilling is quite safe, “and very environmentally clean, except where there is a disaster like this.”

Kristol said, “Look the data’s pretty clear in general that the offshore drilling of oil has become incredibly quite safe, not perfectly safe, but compared to other ways of getting energy, quite safe compared to the mining of coal for example, and very environmentally clean, except when there is a disaster like this spill, but Exxon Valdez was much bigger.

Also safe: Russian Roulette. Until the gun goes off.

Juggling Chainsaws. Unless you count getting your hand cut off.

Driving Drunk. Until the inevitable crash.

Seriously, how the hell is this moron allowed on television.
Has he ever been right about anything?

Two More Coal Miners Die in Kentucky

From Tulsa World:

By Staff and Wire Reports
Published: 4/30/2010 2:25 AM

2 killed in coal mine owned by Tulsa firm

A Kentucky coal mine where two workers were killed in a roof collapse has been cited at least six times this year for using too few supporting bolts in the roof, state records show.

With the 29 miners killed at the Upper Big Branch mine 3 weeks ago, this brings the total to 31 coal miners killed so far this year.

So let's tally up the score:

Number of deaths this year per energy source: 31 11 The Occasional Bird ZERO

So, explain to me again why we can't have renewable energy? Because it's un-American?

Just Wondering

US approves massive sea burn to stem oil disaster

How's That "Drill, Baby, Drill" stuff workin' out for ya?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Insane Quote of the Day

From Rockland Progressive:

Kristia Cavere, from Tuxedo in Orange County, is the Tea Party and a Republican candidate for New York’s 19th Congressional District seat held by Hall. Cavere thinks that the Democrats have co-opted Republican values and claims, among other things, that:

“The Republicans are the ones who liberated Europe

in World War II.”

Is there even any need to point out how absurd this claim is? Roosevelt and Truman were the Presidents during WWII. So, what, you're saying that all the soldiers were Republicans?
The Republicans were an isolationist party at the time who tried to stop FDR from intervening on the side of the Allies (leading Roosevelt to circumvent them with the lend-lease program)
But once Pearl Harbor was bombed, Republicans, Democrats, independents, Socialists, etc all lined up at the recruiting stations, and of those who didn't volunteer, many were drafted. So no party holds a monopoly on WWII service.

You know, I said I wasn't going to bother refuting this imbecilic claim.

So, Kristia Cavere, that name sounded familiar. Sure enough, here crazy ass has made an appearance on this blog back in November of 2009, although it looks like I never published that post for some reson, so I will just add it on here.


Is this person serious?

This is the bio for some weird lady named Kristia Cavere:

Click to enlarge

Kristia Cavere

Kristia Cavere lost her brother, an Army medic, in Iraq in 2007. She has dedicated her life to protecting and defending America. Kristia has a Master's of Science in Defense & Strategic Studies. Her website, where she writes daily, is Kristia can be contacted through, Facebook, and Twitter.

I don't know about you, but when someone asks me to tell them a little bit about myself, i don't lead off with how my brother died. But then again, I'm not trying to aggrandize myself by glomming on to my brother's sacrifice. And my brother's not dead. But anyway. . . how is that your lead sentence? I think maybe she intends the first sentence to give some sort of credibility to the second: "She has dedicated her life to protecting and defending America."

Yeah, sounds like it was your brother who dedicated his life to the defense of America. Because while he joined the Army and became a medic, saving the lives of wounded soldiers, you were what, getting you masters in "defense & strategic studies"? Learning about defense is not the same thing as actually doing it.
Even her website, where she writes daily!, is entitled ""
How pathetic is that? 'Cause it feels kinda like you're saying "I have credibility because I made the ultimate sacrifice! Of my brother's life."

So I checked out, and it gets even lamer! She has an expanded bio on the site, under an odd collection of photos of herself during various stages of life.

This is the sort of photo array one generally sees displayed at a memorial service.

So, anyway, in this expanded bio, which is all written in the third person, there are a couple of clues as to how Ms. Cavere became such an odd bird.
First: They listened to their maternal grandparents’ stories of their horror living under Communism in Ukraine from the 1920’s through 1930’s, and then totalitarianism in Germany during the late 1930’s and 1940’s.

Really? My grandparents told me stories about the Little Red Hen and Peter Rabbit, or sometimes stories from the Bible. Her grandparents recited passages from their gulag memoirs?

Second: In order to teach them history in a creative and memorable way, their mother dressed up Kristia and Jon in historical period costumes, and had them act out the historical events as she narrated the tale.

Yikes! See, I think that might be something you might want to leave out of your bio.

Then, both siblings serve their country in their own way:
After his college graduation, Jon proudly enlisted in the United States Army and became a medic in the 10th Mountain Division. Kristia supported and was grateful for his service.

Yeah, you're awesome, Kristia!

Kristia is committed to serving and protecting her country in every way she can,

Except, of course, actually joining the military. But any other way that she can be of service, like oh, I don't know, writing a dumb blog. Yeah, that's totally serving her country!

Kristia’s favorite hobbies are horseback riding, tae kwon do, sailing, painting, and traveling throughout America.

Which obviously doesn't leave a lot of time for, um, serving her country, but hey, she writes on her website Every Day!

Speaking of which, let's see what sort of thing she writes, shall we?

November 9, 2009
America needs industry, Obama needs therapy

More so than any other time in our history, Americans are beginning to believe there are no solutions to the many crises that we are experiencing.

Right, because no one thought that during the 1930's. The Great Depression, the dust Bowl, the threats of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, no one was too terribly pessimistic. But then, they didn't have the spectre of a PUBLIC OPTION!!! hanging over their heads like the sword of Damocles.

The list of industries which have failed is alarming: textiles, automobile, production, agricultural, energy, healthcare, banking, education.

It's not so much that the textile industry failed, as that they sent all the jobs overseas. Same for other manufacturing jobs, which is what I assume you mean by "production." The healthcare industry is shockingly profitable considering that they also have "failed." How exactly has the energy industry failed? Other than Enron, what other energy companies have gone under? Also, education is not an industry. But let's not quibble.

This is the logical outcome of the ever-growing Democratic control of American industry, which has, during the course of the past fifty years, accomplished their ideal form of socialism.

Because during the past Fifty years obviously Democrats have been in charge of everything. You know, if you ignore the Reagan years, the Gingrich Congress, Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, Bush I, and of course the years 2001-2007 in which G.W. Bush was in the White House and Republicans controlled both houses of Congress. Other than that, Democrats have totally been running everything! And they have been so successful in installing socialism that today we have universal, single-payer healthcare, free secondary education for all, and our SAAB factories produce some of the finest cars in, wait a minute! That's not us!

The government now controls the innovation of business,

That's just stupid. You might as well say that the government controls the adorableness of puppies.

Yeah, that was just an excuse to put in a cute puppy picture. You got a problem with that?

The government now controls the innovation of business, and while commerce is floundering Washington is giving taxpayer-funded subsidies to their comrades.

What the hell? I can only assume that you are referring to the various bailouts, since you don't clarify what the fuck subsidies for what the fuck comrades you mean. The bailouts were to Auto companies, banks and other large financial institutions. In other words, COMMERCE!
So you're complaining that, while commerce is floundering, the Democrats in Washington are bailing out commerce? What kind of sense does that make?

The Democrats destroyed our industries,

No, globalization and free-market bullshit destroyed those of our industries which were destroyed. And yes, Bill Clinton is partly responsible for that with his push for NAFTA and GATT and whatnot, but free-market globalization is a conservative principle. It's not the Democrats' fault that everything sold in America is made in China. (Although they haven't done anything to prevent it)

The Democrats destroyed our industries, and those that were most controlled by the Democrats are the industries which are the most damaged through unions and left-leaning management.

I'm sorry, what companies have "left-leaning management?" Maybe Ben & Jerry's? I mean seriously, what companies are run by lefties? If any publicly-traded company were run in a left-leaning way, the board of directors would can the CEO.

Now there is Wall Street to all [sic] to the list of liberal blunders.

See, now a statement like that really requires some sort of evidence to back it up. Would you care to demonstrate how the "liberals" are responsible for Wall Street?

It is a fa├žade that Republicans control Wall Street and big business. Most of those who contributed to Obama's campaign were from large businesses in the financial industry.

Hmm, yeah. That would better serve as evidence that Wall Street has some control over Obama. See, if a company contributes money to your campaign, then you kind of owe them a favor, especially if you want them to contribute to your next campaign. Which you almost surely do. So unless you have something else to back up your silly claim, you may as well just blame the wall Street fiasco on the adorable puppy!

Wall Street gave Obama over $9.5 million, yet the Democrats and their allies in the media have successfully labeled our financial sector as a Republican bastion. In reality, the philosophy of those who are in charge is more socialist than capitalist.

Well, in the sense that these arrogant bastards expect their losses to be socialized, then yeah, you have a point. But I'm sure that's not what you're trying to say. Instead of reading on and on in your silly, stupid column, let me see if I can just summarize your thesis so I can go to bed.

The economy is bad. Bad things are socialist. The End.
P.S. everything is the democrats' fault.
My brother is dead.
I'm a hero.

Dirtbag Nazi Says Things

The bringer of important information People Magazine, has published this on the interwebs:

His Own Words: Jesse James Reacts to Divorce Filing

Because it's only fair to get the dirtball's side of the story. By the way, the story is he's a dirtball.
As Sandra Bullock shares her decision to file for divorce from husband Jesse James and adopt son Louis as a single mom, James tells PEOPLE he has a "huge hole" in his heart, but understands:

"My whole life has been full of hard decisions.

Like deciding which pornstar to screw behind my wife's back. Most guys will never know what a difficult decision that is.
"The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest.

Um, yeah. . .that wasn't really your decision. You don't actually get to decide whether or not she files for divorce. It's not something you LET her do. She did it. Suck on it!

"Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go.

Oh, clearly, yes! The love of your life, that just goes without saying, doesn't it? I mean it's so obvious!
And not to belabor the point, but you don't get to choose whether or not to let her go. She's gone.

Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life.

Jeezalooloo, why does every guy who gets caught poking around get to claim he's an addict now? You thought you could have your cake and eat it too, and you were fine with it until the cake found out about the other cake, or, um. . . . . I had somehting there for a second, but anyway, you're not an addict, you're just a dick.

"I have always taken great pride in proving people wrong.

Like when my mom said I was going to grow up to be a decent human being!
Ha! Wrong again, Mom!

That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am.

Oh, of course you are. That's why everyone says it. If it were a couple people saying it, yeah, then maybe. But there's a reason why EVERYONE is saying it.
Are you going to show us that you're not really a lying, cheating whore-fucker? Go ahead! I'd like to see this!

I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves, and realize that this is an incredible mountain to climb. But I believe that the steps I have taken in the last 30 days are the foundation for making this happen. The lifelong commitment I am making is what being a real husband and father is all about.

Oh, you know in your heart, do you? Yeah? You know that? In your heart?
Well, I know in my Brain that you are never going to be the "mate Sandy deserves." Partly because she's divorcing your Nazi ass. And because if she did take you back, it would be like having "WELCOME" tatooed onto her forehead, so there's no way you would ever be able to respect her. I mean, she wouldn't be able to respect herself if she took your nasty syphilitic ass back into her life. If she ever took you back, you'd almost be obligated to cheat on her just to force her to admit that she needs help. And admitting you need help is the first step.

"I ask that you please do not judge Sandy for the things I have done. She has done no wrong. She played no part in any of this.

Yeah, that wasn't really going to be an issue. No one was thinking, "hmm, I'll bet it's Sandra Bullock's fault that her scumbag husband was fucking pornstars. Probably, Sandra was researching the role of a woman married to a cheating turd who has probably exposed her to every STD there is. Yeah, Jesse would never do this on his own, she must have made him stick his winkie in the open all night chlamydia casino."

Really, no one's going to blame Sandy. You can rest easy now. Your noble concern for your wife's feelings is duly noted.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Insane Quote of the Day

Pat Bertroche, speaking about illegal immigrants:

"I think we should catch 'em, we should document 'em, make sure we know where they are and where they are going...I actually support microchipping them. I can micro-chip my dog so I can find it. Why can't I microchip an illegal? That's not a popular thing to say, but it's a lot cheaper than building a fence
they can tunnel under."

Who's Pat Bertroche?
I have no freakin' idea, but he's running for Congress in Iowa!

Here's what he has to say on his website:

I’m sick of good, hardworking people struggling to support those that just want to sponge off the system. And I’m not talking about people who are disabled, or the old folks, or people that need help. I’m talking about the politicians who pad their wallets on our bill. . . OR the Wall Streeters who are still driving their limos and flying their jets on OUR dime! I’m sick and tired of working long hours just to make sure the fat cats maintain their lifestyle. Aren’t you? Pres. Obama promised us change. Changing to Communism isn’t what I had in mind.

Communism? I don't think that word means what you think it means.
Using tax dollars to help a wealthy elite maintain their lavish lifestyle is kind of the exact opposite of Communism. Nice try, though! Let's check out the page entitled "Pat's Ideas"
Oddly, the page is very difficult to read, since the text is against a strange blue background (check it out)

Conservatism: What it means to Pat

Synopsis of the article:

1. Conservatism for me calls for self governance
2. Live as you preach
3. Compassion and reason for your fellow man
4. Good sportsmanship, and grace in defeat.
5. Freedom and prosperity for EVERYONE
6. The Constitution means something, and shouldn't be subverted for short term political gain

So, let me see if I'm getting this.
Point one: ANARCHY!!!!!

Point Two: Conservatism does not include Larry Craig, (gay bathroom sex) Rush Limbaugh, (druggie and serial divorcee) David Vitter (loves hookers) or Newt Gingrich (serial adulterer and double divorcee)

Point Three: I don't think there's any such thing as "reason for your fellow man." I think maybe what you mean to say is Compassion for your fellow man, and also I'm in favor of reason?

Point Four: Yeah, right! If by "grace in defeat" you mean constant threat of filibuster, and if by "good sportsmanship" you mean obstruction for the sake of obstruction.

Point Five: Communism!!! Seriously, "prosperity for EVERYONE?" Go on, comrade!

Point Six: Yeah, I'll give you that one, except that pretending that that is a principle unique to conservatives is total BS.

Then the rest of the article is a giant love letter to a fictionalized version of Ronald Reagan who was basically Jesus with tax cuts and nukes. Then this:

Ronald Reagan believed in Christ and the principles of Christ and believed whole heartedly in the Way and the Life. If you followed the Way and the Life, which is very similar to what other prophets of God have suggested, then you’d understand the basic laws of decency and kindness and acceptance and equality of those who are different, seeing the individual for who they are and what their potential is.
(emphasis added)

How you go from acceptance and equality to "fuck it, let's microchip 'em like dogs" is beyond me.

Of course, here in Georgia, we actually have a law making it illegal to implant microchips in people against their will.

Seriously. This is what our state legislature feels like they need to spend their time on.

From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

Delusions, the Legislature and an implanted microchip

At the House hearing, state Rep. Ed Setzler (R-Kennesaw), who is shouldering the legislation in the House, spoke earnestly for better than a half hour on microchips as a literal invasion of privacy.

He was followed by a hefty woman who described herself as a resident of DeKalb County. “I’m also one of the people in Georgia who has a microchip,” the woman said. Slowly, she began to lead the assembled lawmakers down a path they didn’t want to take.

Microchips, the woman began, “infringe on issues that are fundamental to our very existence. Our rights to privacy, our rights to bodily integrity, the right to say no to foreign objects being put in our body.”

She spoke of the “right to work without being tortured by co-workers who are activating these microchips by using their cell phones and other electronic devices.”

She continued. “Microchips are like little beepers. Just imagine, if you will, having a beeper in your rectum or genital area, the most sensitive area of your body. And your beeper numbers displayed on billboards throughout the city. All done without your permission,” she said.

It was not funny, and no one laughed.

“Ma’am, did you say you have a microchip?” asked state Rep. Tom Weldon (R-Ringgold).

“Yes, I do. This microchip was put in my vaginal-rectum area,” she replied. Setzler, the sponsoring lawmaker, sat next to the witness – his head bowed.

And Now. . . .

. . . The Punchline!

The woman was allowed to go about her business, and the House Judiciary Committee approved passage of SB 235.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Most Insane Headline of the Day

Apparently, the Washington Examiner is an actual newspaper in some city called Washington Deecee, or something. (story on Wonkette)

The Crazy Lady is Back

The first time I stumbled on to Crazy Lady Debbie Schlussel's website, she was freaking out over the cartoon character Tinkerbell (seriously).

The next time, she was being a total ass about Haiti. (here)

What has she found to freak out over now? The Navy.

With Women, Obama Turning U.S. Navy Into “Village People’s” Navy

Wow! So wrong right off the bat! I'm no expert in the various immaginary branches of the military. I couldn't distinguish between McHale's Navy and Arnie's Army, but I can tell you for sure that there are NO women in the Village People's Navy.

Several months ago, I told you about Barack Obama’s boneheaded plan to put women in Navy submarines, where there are very close quarters, and thus, sanitary and sex issues. It’s not a good idea. And as I noted, when women were put on ships, it immediately resulted in many of them getting pregnant, with many of them having to be sent home during the first Gulf War on one ship alone.

Which means that every woman in every submarine will always get pregnant every time always.

Women on subs will be a huge headache. It’s only just starting. Periods and pregnancies do not belong on Navy submarines.

Of course the good news is, if you have one, you don't have the other.

How many women on subs will get pregnant? And who will end up paying the tab for sending them home? You will. Social experiments in the military are always a disaster. And the U.S. taxpayer is always the loser.

Yeah, social experiments in the military totally suck. Like, remember when Truman integrated the Armed Forces? He tried to make black soldiers and white soldiers fight together in the same unit? And remember how all the black soldiers got pregnant, or something bad? Something bad must have happened, right? I mean, it's not like we still have interracial military companies, right?

Operation Petticoat doesn’t even work in liberal Hollywood’s movies. It won’t work in real life.

Because light-hearted screwball comedies are a pretty good gauge of what will and won't work in the real world. Didn't Adam's Rib teach us all we need to know about why a DA should not prosecute a defendant represented by his wife? And now that's the rule. It's called the Spencer Tracy Rule. Look it up!

Basically, what it comes down to, is if you have men and women in the same space, they're going to fuck. There's just no way around it, that's just a scientific fact. Even though there is pretty much no privacy on a submarine, if there are men to be fucked, Navy women will find a way! And contraception? Pfft! maybe those wimpy Air Force chicks use contraception, we Navy gals prefer unintended pregnancies, and the opportunity to contact STD's! What fun!

Dang, this Debbie Schlussel is some kind of crazy idiot!

P.S. If you want to check out her diatribe, here's the link. Scroll down to the end and you'll see a Village People video with the caption "By the way, here’s a little music video about what Barack Obama is trying to do to the U.S. Navy . . ." just to drive home her point that having men and women serving together is somehow going to turn the Navy gay. Freakin idiot!

Monday, April 26, 2010

I'm Intrigued

Tell me more about your pork-based religion!

Bill Kristol Continues to be a Goddamned Idiot.

Not only is Bill Kristol wrong about everything (really, seriously, wrong about everything), he continues to spout wrongness with that smug, self-satisfied smirk that makes me want to punch his lights out.

Where in holy hell does he come up with 5, or 8, or 13 times? The law not only allows, but requires Arizona cops to stop anyone who seems like they might be here illegally and demand proof of citizenship. That pretty much means anyone in Arizona who looks Mexican (including Native Americans) or has an accent, or likes soccer is going to be stopped and asked for ID repeatedly.
And then he asks "is that what you think the Arizona cops are like?" (paraphrase)
Um, yeah. Have you not ever heard of Joe Arpayo? And he's like a fucking hero down there.
Of course, there are probably many good, conscientious cops in Arizona. Of course they're not all like Arpayo. But even if you are a good cop in AZ, this new law requires you to stop Mexicans and demand to see their papers. Rather than argue honestly, and say "yes, I think it's a good idea to harass all the brown folks in Arizona," Kristol makes up this bullshit about how it will hardly ever happen, and it's not a big deal, and blargh, blargh, blargh. . . .

Honest to God, I'd rather listen to Billy Crystal opine on current events than Bill Kristol.

So here's Bill Kristol getting hit in the face with a pie:

Hmm, I do feel a teensy bit better.

Sunday, April 25, 2010





Lord of the Rings: The Return of Gollum




Wanna see my Kitty?

EEEWWW!!! Gollum, That

Fine, more for me!  Nom Nom Nom

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The AFA continues to be homophobic assholes

Here's the latest headline from the tools at the American Family Association:

Homosexual Supreme Court Justice? Not under any circumstances

Now the problem with starting off a diatribe with a headline like that is that you have to do some impressive mental gymnastics to justify your position. You can't just say "Ungh. Gay judge bad! Gay sex icky. Make Og uncomfortable! Og no like gay judge! Og hate gay!" Even thought that is the basis of your position, that kind of shit just ain't gonna play in Peoria these days. So you have to come up with BS like this:

Sen. John Cornyn has regrettably opened the door to the possibility of an openly gay Supreme Court justice, saying he'd "have to think about" it, and adding, "As long as it doesn't interfere with their job, it's not a particular issue."
The problem with Cornyn's position is that a gay judge's sexual preference will, without any question whatsoever, "interfere with their job." It's not possible for it to be otherwise.

Now any sane person is going to be a bit confused by this, since it doesn't seem to be, for instance, Scalia's heterosexuality that makes him an asshole, or Thomas's porn and harassment predilection that makes him a sort of Charlie McCarthy to Scalia's Edgar Bergen.

Sodomy is still a felony in the criminal code of about a dozen states. The Lawrence decision of 2003, an egregious act of judicial activism, prohibited enforcement of these laws, but the fact remains that 25% of the states in the Union still regard it as criminal behavior.

We simply should not elevate to the highest court in the land people who are known for engaging in sexually abnormal behavior which would technically make them felons in a quarter of the states over which they will have jurisdiction.

By the same logic, Clarence Thomas should be excluded from the court because his wife is white and mixed-race marriages were illegal in many states until fairly recently.

Also, any judge who has ever gambled in a Nevada casino is disqualified because gambling is illegal in many of the states over which he would have jurisdiction.

Your Honor, I move for a Writ of STFU!
A homosexual judge cannot help but give the home-field advantage to every legal team appearing before him who represents homosexual causes. It will be impossible for the visiting team, the team representing sexual normalcy and natural marriage, to get a fair shake in his courtroom.

Just like Antonin Scalia has to recuse himself from any case in which one of the litigants is Italian. And Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonya Sotomayor can not be involved in any cases involving any women. And Roberts, Alito, Scalia, Thomas, Kennedey, and Sotomayor all have to refrain from involving themselves in any case in which Catholics are involved.

Cases involving same-sex marriage are sure to arrive before the Court. Cases involving domestic partnerships and homosexual adoptions are sure to arrive before the Court. Cases involving special rights for homosexuals in the workplace are sure to arrive before the Court.

Special rights like not being fired for no good reason? Or the right to not be harassed at work, or denied promotion because some asshole at your company doesn't like your private life?

Cases involving homosexual service in the military are sure to arrive before the Court.
Only an utter fool could convince himself that an active homosexual judge could be impartial in rendering judgment on such cases. The scales of "justice" would be tipped irrevocably toward the homosexual agenda and it would be moronic to think otherwise.

Almost as moronic as not understanding how scales work. Even if we accept your retarded premise that a gay judge would be inherently biased in favor of gay litigants, that would be one gay judge one side of the scale, and eight breeder judges on the other. No matter how fat the gay judge is, the scales would still be tipped towards the heteros.

What Are You, An Idiot?

With an active homosexual on the bench, Lady Justice will no longer even pretend to be blind. She will be peeking out from under her blindfold to determine the sexual preference of those standing before her, then will let the fold slip back into place before ruling in every case to legitimize sexual deviancy.

Bottom line: the American ideal of absolute equality before the law will inevitably be shredded by a homosexual judge.

And God knows how much I treasure the principle of equality! The kind of equality in which the people I consider deviant are assumed to be less than equal.

Hey, Brian Fischer of the American Family Association:

asshole-of-the-year.gif image by commentsjunkieCongratulations, you're a stupid, hateful asshole!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Right Wing Zen Masters
When Action is Necessary, One must do Nothing.

When one does Not Quit, That is when one
Truly is a Quitter.

Are not Fascism and Communism, although
direct opposites, also the same?

One must oppose that for which one will later take credit.

A true balance may only be achieved through one-sidedness.

Honey, Is The Goat Clean Or Dirty?

The Dumbest Campaign Ad Ever in the History of Campaign Ads. Or Any Other Kind Of Ads.

Someone named Pat O'Brien is running for secretary of state in Arkansas, a position so crucial that George Washongton and Abe Lincoln are taking time off from their Heavenly activities to discuss the campaign. Also Ben Franklin, who seems to have worked out some sort of a plea bargain with God where he gets to go to Heaven, but God gets to hit him with lightning bolts whenever he says something stupid.

Pat O'Brien's two main qualifications for Secretary of State seem to be 1) that Pat O'Brien is a fairly common name. 2) He is running for Secretary of State in Arkansas.
That's it. The first 20 seconds are the Washington and Lincoln doing the worst Abbott and Costello routine in history, then the last 10 seconds are Pat O'Brien chuckling and saying "I'm running for Secretary of State." And what more reason would you need to vote for him than the fact that he is running?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Restoring Stephen Baldwin?

Apparently, Stephen Baldwin needs help.

I don't know what my favorite part of this is. Maybe it's the fact that they plan to show those doubters who think that God isn't helping Stephen Baldwin by helping him themselves. Wouldn't that just prove that they really don't believe that God is going to help Stephen? If you think that God is going to help Stephen Baldwin, why not save your money?

Maybe it's the fact that they think that Baldwin's faith has cost him acting jobs. Not his poor acting skills, his general douchebagginess, or the fact that he looks like this:

Hmm, he used to get plenty of roles when he looked like this:

What could have changed? Probably it's those damn heathens running Hollywood punishing him for his faith!

Or maybe it's at the end when they refer to giving your spare change to a Hollywood D-lister as a "movement."

Then they ask you to go to the website, so for some reason I did.
And here's what I saw.

How This Movement Works


Long ago, when God restored Job he used Token Gifting as the mechanism for his restoration. The scripture says "everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house...each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring" Job 42:10-11

So, God took everything away from Job, including killing his children, (just to win a bet with the devil) and then HE didn't even give Job his stuff back? His friends and neighbors had to take him on as a charity case? I can't believe that anyone who takes that story literally would want to associate with that god!

What if 10% of the 159 million Christians in America gave a Token Gift? What if 10% of the worlds 2 billion Christians gave a token gift? What would the media have to say about such an event?

I think they might say that Stephen Baldwin has come up with the greatest scam of all time. Let's all show our faith in God by sending Stephen some money? And that will bring glory, not to Stephen's grifting ability, but to God? They should glorify God by showing that they have no confidence in God to help Stephen get back on his feet? You'd think they might at least trust God to get Stephen an acting gig. I mean, it apparently works for Kirk Cameron. I guess God liked "Growing Pains" better than whatever it is Stephen Baldwin is famous for.

Oh, and there's a Q & A section:

Q- Why doesn't his family help him?
A- His family does not perceive Stephen’s predicament as a matter of spiritual warfare. They see Stephen’s outspoken Christianity as poor choices therefore they will not help.

Really? They won't help him because they think he's too outspoken? Did anyone actually ask his family about this, or is this just an assumption? I think Billy and Daniel can't help him because all their money goes to the various rehab centers around LA. And maybe Alec just thinks Stephen should quit whining and begging strangers for money and get a damn job!

Q- What happened to his wealth?
A- When he became an outspoken Christian in 2002 his income went down by 70% when he refused roles with gratuitous sex and violence.

And got fat.
Also, if you know you're going to be turning down roles with sex and/or violence, wouldn't it behoove you to cut back on your lavish lifestyle, maybe live within your means? Because 30% of a movie actor's salary should still get you a decent middle-class lifestyle.

Q- If Stephen was not involved how did you get permission to do this?
A- Daniel Southern is Stephen’s spiritual advisor and the President of Stephen’s ministries. We contacted Daniel who gave us written permission to build the site .

God, that must have taken a lot of arm-twisting. "hey, broke guy, would it be all right if we collected a bunch of money for you and you could pass it off as some sort of religious work?"
"Oh, I guess so. If it will help God.'

Q- Why does Stephen need personal wealth?
A- Stephen’s influence is in Hollywood. Hollywood worships money and without it you are seen as a loser and cannot be an effective influence to this group.

And Goddammit, I am not -- I mean Stephen is not going to be a fucking no-money loser! Because he needs to be rich. To help God. And to throw it in that bastard Alec's face, oh he thinks he's soooo great, with his Oscar and Emmys and popularity. But mostly to help God!

Q- How much money does he need?
A- From what I read in public court documents Stephen needs several million dollars to pay all of his creditors but he deserves hundreds of millions for his Job like faithfulness in the face of relentless loss and persecution.

Oh, my God. That is just shameless! This asshat runs up millions of dollars in debt. On a movie actor's salary, and we're supposed to look at him as some hapless victim of godless Hollywood? And reward his idiocy with "Hundreds of millions?" Get a job, you bum! You seriously can't get work on the PAX Network? They built a show around Billy Ray Fucking Cyrus! Where he plays a doctor! A doctor! They have no standards, and no cussing or naughty business. You can't latch on with ABC Family or the Disney Channel? Are you even looking?

Q- What percentage of a gift actually reaches Stephen?
A- 100% goes directly into his bank account through online gifting. The bank account was arranged by Daniel Southern. Daniel was Billy Graham’s Crusade Director for almost 20 years.

Oh, that's reassuring! 100% goes directly into the accounts of Deadbeat McPanhandler? No one is even getting a paying job out of this scam?

Stephen Baldwin has just moved into first place in the voting for biggest turd in the universe.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Glenn Beck's Delusions of Grandeur

Now Glenn Beck is saying he gets messages from God.

And he may even be serious.

Here's what he said on his radio insanity-fest:
(full transcript here)
God is giving a plan I think to me that is not really a plan. . . The problem is that I think the plan that the Lord would have us follow is hard for people to understand.

Because, you know if God had a plan he wanted people to follow, he would make it really confusing and hard to understand. So confusing that the recipient of the plan would not even be sure that it is a plan.

But I’m telling you, here’s what I feel with everything in me, and, if you’ve listened to this program for a long time, you know who I am. Um, and you know many of things I’ve done and said that have put me in, ya know, harm’s way one way or another, they always start at the same place, they always start at my gut or my heart, and then I figure it out as we go along.

Harm's way? When has Beck ever put himself in harm's way? Sounds like paranoid delusions to me.

All the stuff that I feel has been important on the show has been things that I felt
and didn’t understand.

Wow! A rare moment of honesty from Beck. He admits that even he doesn't understand his own ravings.

Because of my track record with you who have been here for a long time. Because of my track record with you, I beg of you to help me get this message out, and I beg of you to pray for clarity on my part. The plan that He would have me articulate, I think, to you is “Get behind me.” And I don’t mean me, I mean Him. “Get behind Me. Stand behind Me.”

That's it? God took the time to send a message to Crazy McCrybaby and it's "Get behind me?" That's it? Really? God wants people to stand behind him? Oh, thank goodness for Beck, because I totally thought that God wanted people to oppose and obstruct him! Now the Bible finally makes sense!

I truly believe I have done years now of reading the Founders, their diaries, their letters, the Pilgrims, their diaries, their letters.

That's not something you "truly believe." You either have spent years reading this stuff or you haven't. There's no believe.

I’ve held their letters in my hands. The exchanges between the Founders, I’ve held their actual letters in my hand. I have seen it with my own eyes — and I will tell you that God was instrumental and then [sic] knew it!

Of course, bear in mind that Glenn doesn't understand things. He must have missed this quote:

Of all the systems of religion that ever were invented, there is no more derogatory to the Almighty, more unedifiying to man, more repugnant to reason, and more contradictory to itself than this thing called Christianity.

-Thomas Paine (The Age of Reason)

Or this:

  • During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity, in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.

--James Madison

Or this:

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.

--Thomas Jefferson

Back to Beck:

But that’s what He’s asking us to do — is to stand peacefully, quietly, with anger, quiet with anger, loudly with truth.

If there's anything God loves more than anger, it's silence!

I said Keep it down!

Faith — is the answer. Get on your knees, don’t take it like a September 11th, get on your knees, please, I don’t care what church you go to, no church at all, I don’t care. Turn to Him.

But, like a week ago, you were pretty specific about what kind of churches we could go to. Now any old church will do? Even no church?

Also, I don't get the Sept. 11th reference. But then, I'm not fluent in right-wing gibberish.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

If My Father in Law Worked in Advertising

A Couple of Observations About Sarah Palin

1) A Sarah Palin sentence is like an Elvis movie.

In an Elvis movie, you start with a certain number of Elvis songs, then fill in enough dialogue and action to flesh it out to movie length. Everything between the songs is just filling space until the next song comes along.

With Palin, she starts with a certain number of buzzwords, then fills the space in between with whatever random words pop into her head.

Here's an example:

"We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ... We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation."
In other words:

Blah, blah, blah, REAL AMERICA, blah, blah, blah, SMALL TOWNS, blah blah blah, PATRIOTIC, blah blah blah PRO_AMERICA!

2) Palin made a big deal about Rahm Emmanuel using the word "retard." Which, by the way, he didn't. He said that some Democrats were "fucking retarded." It was Rush Limbaugh who used the word "retard." But that was OK because, um, I don't know why. But anyway. . .
Why, if it's so horrible for Rahm Emmanuel to disparage people by comparing them to the mentally disabled, is it OK for Sarah Palin to mock the media by comparing them to the physically disabled? Every time she complains about the non-FOX media (ie legitimate media) she refers to them as the "Lamestream Media." Isn't "lame" a rude way of saying crippled? It's Ok to mock people who are crippled? But not the mentally disabled? I'm just trying to figure out the rules, here.

Why does no one ever call her on this?

Oh, right!