Bizarre videos

Presented without comment: enjoy the madness!




Okay, one comment. I'll have what she's having!

Oh, wait. I missed one!

I forgot that in that same speech, Palin also said this:

“If you lose that foundation, John Adams was implicitly warning us, then we will not follow our constitution, there will be no reason to follow our constitution because it is a moral and religious people who understand that there is something greater than self, we are to live selflessly, and we are to be held accountable by our creator, so that is what our constitution is based on, so those revisionists, those in the lamestream media, especially, who would want to ignore what our founders actually thought, felt and wrote about in our charters of liberty – well, that’s why I call them the lamestream media,” Palin said.

Really?

We are to live selflessly?

I'm not saying that's wrong, but. . . um, you do know that that flies directly in the face of the entire conservative philosophy, right?
I mean, Ayn Rand would spit in your eye for saying such a thing!

How many ways can Sarah Palin be Wrong in One Speech?

Every time I write anything about Sarah Palin I promise myself it will be the last time, that I'm just going to ignore her until she fades away into the dustbin of history, but I saw this excerpt a few days ago and it just stuck in my head like a bad song.

 Speaking about Thomas Jefferson, Palin said:

“He would recognize those who would want to try to ignore that Jesus is the reason for the season, those who would want to try to abort Christ from Christmas,” she said. “He would recognize that, for the most part, these are angry atheists armed with an attorney. They are not the majority of Americans.”…

“Why is it they get to claim some offense taken when they see a plastic Jewish family on somebody’s lawn – a nativity scene, that’s basically what it is right?” she said. “Oh, they take such offense, though. They say that it physically even can hurt them and mentally it distresses them so they sue, right?”

Wow! So many kinds of wrongness!  First of all. Why do people get to claim offense? Because of the First Amendment, genius! You know, in that Constitution you pretend to revere so.

Okay, that's not exactly wrong, just stunningly ignorant.  But your next line? Nobody has ever claimed to be offended by a nativity scene on someone's lawn. EVER. People are often offended by nativity scenes on GOVERNMENT property, because the government is not supposed to promote any religion. Not sure if you're lying or actually that stupid, but either way, WRONG!

 And when people do claim offense, they absolutely do not claim that a Nativity scene physically hurts them. Even you aren't stupid enough to not know that that's wrong.

Also wrong? The "plastic Jewish Family" line. Not that it's factually wrong, it's just wrong that you think you're being clever and you just are not. You really thought "I'll subtly imply that there's some anti-Semitic basis to people's objections to Nativity Scenes. . .Zing! Nailed 'em! Oh, Sarah, you've done it again, you rhetorical genius!" It's not clever. It's no more clever than you're "aborting Christ" line. You think if you imply that there's something violent about secularism, you're going to. . .what, exactly? What point do you think you're even making?

“But heaven forbid we claim any type of offense when we say, ‘Wait, you’re stripping Jesus from the reason, as the reason for the season,’ but heaven forbid we claim any type of offense,” Palin said. “So that double standard, I think Thomas Jefferson would certainly recognize it and stand up and he wouldn’t let anybody tell him to sit down and shut up.”

Thomas Jefferson?

This Thomas Jefferson?



The man who took a scalpel and excised any mention of the supernatural from his Bible?  You think that guy would be on your side in the imaginary Christmas Wars? Really? The man who said this:

 If you think that Thomas Jefferson would be upset about the secularization of Christmas, you are

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, you're stupid and a bad person.

New FCC Rule

There must be at least one Palin on TV at all times.

L to R: Todd,  Nutterbutter, Bristol, Thumbtack, Other Bristol.

Bristol Palin Says Reality Show Will Present Her as a 'Grounded, Normal Mom'

Because what is more normal than being followed around by TV cameras all day?

And what could be more "grounded" than the idea that you deserve to be treated as a celebrity without having accomplished a damn thing?

Palin will star in her own reality TV show. "Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp," will feature 10 half-hour episodes that will air on the Lifetime network starting June 19.
 
Palin, 21, sat down recently with "Good Morning America" anchor Robin Roberts to talk about the show.
 
Asked what it was to have cameras watching her every move, every hour of every day, she replied: "I don't really think you get used to all of it but Tripp was used to it the whole time.

But then, he's a lot more mature and intelligent than I am!

Roberts also asked Palin how her mother felt about her doing the series.
 
"You know, she supports me and she knows that I have good judgment so she is definitely in support of it," Palin replied.

Um, at what point have you demonstrated "good judgement?"
I think your mother saw an opportunity for you to get a bunch of money without doing anything and said "hell, yeah. You should jump on that scam right away!"

And the young woman's strong support of her mother is clearly demonstrated in the show, when she engages in a heated verbal exchange at a bull-riding bar with a man whose political views are different from those of her famous mother.
 
"I think if somebody is going to talk poorly about my mom, I am going to pick and choose my battles and a battle like that, I chose to confront him and see what the real problem was," she said,

Aww, she's already talking gibberish! Sarah must be so proud!

 

Proudly as a peacock of where I would! 

Mama Grizzly!

"and I'm excited for viewers to see the real me in that, because I'm sitting there all tough and shaking and I'm acting tough and instantly when it's over, it's like, 'OK, there's the real Bristol,' because I am calling my boyfriend, I'm calling my mom. 'Ah, get me out of here,' people are going to see the real Bristol in this show."

So even Bristol doesn't know who the real Bristol is? You see the "real Bristol" when she's "sitting there all tough," but then the real Bristol is calling her mom and her boyfriend? The real Bristol says "ah, get me out of here?" I don't get it.

She added that the real Bristol Palin is "a grounded, normal mom."

Ah, that's the real Bristol. Just a normal, grounded mom picking fights in redneck bars from 1981, I guess, because who still has bull-riding in a bar these days?

But sometimes, one Palin is not enough.

TV: Todd Palin to be on ‘Stars Earn Stripes’

Yes, Todd. The quiet Palin. The Kourtney to Sarah's Kris and Bristol's Khloe.

They're the Kardashians of right-wing politics would be the main take-away from that joke.

By Lisa De Moraes, Tuesday, June 19, 7:43 PM

Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd, is among those competing in NBC’s new reality series “Stars Earn Stripes,” the network revealed Tuesday.

This is not entirely surprising, given that “SES” exec producer Mark Burnett also exec-produced Sarah’s TLC reality series “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” And late last year, word around Hollywood was that Sarah and Burnett were pitching a reality series about Todd’s career as a championship snowmobile racer. Apparently, there were no takers.

No takers? Who wouldn't want to watch a show about a creepy secessionist trying to escape his atrocious wife's enormous shadow by riding around in a snowmobile and referring to it constantly as a "snow machine" even though a snow machine is something entirely different, a machine which makes artificial snow for ski resorts? I know I'd watch that. Under certain circumstances.

 

Yeah, that would do it.

 Each week on “Stars Earn Stripes,” the competitors, teamed with members of the military or law enforcement, will attempt to complete “missions” inspired by military exercises. The winnings will be donated to first-responder and veterans groups. Todd, for example, is playing for Armed Services YMCA Alaska, NBC said.

Wow! I'm pretty sure that's the first time a Palin has ever done anything to benefit anyone else. I mean, I'm sure he's getting paid to be on the show, and he is helping feed the family fame-addiction, but still. Armed Services YMCA sounds like a good cause. Not good enough to forgive the upcoming "Real Housewives of Wasilla" show, but still. Pretty nice.

Random thoughts about Sarah Palin on the Today Show

1. Goddammit, I swore I would never write about Palin again. And yet, here I go.

2. Come on, NBC, have some fucking dignity. This horrible woman takes every opportunity to discredit the profession of journalism, constantly accusing you of bias, bad faith, and bearing false witness, not to mention just "makin' stuff up," and you reward her by feeding her insatiable lust for fame and attention? She's made no secret of her contempt for you, why lend her any of what remains of your credibility?

3. That stupid "Tweet." Going to go rogue and infiltrate some turf. You were invited on the show, you ridiculous imbecile! You're not infiltrating anything. You're selling out, and you're using the same weak rationale that every sellout has used, pretending that you're going to take them down from the inside, or whatever. Nobody's buying it.

 

Except maybe these paint-huffers.

4. The whole "oh my God, newspapers!" and "hey, I'm writing on my hand" schtick? I don't know whether to pity you or congratulate you on being self-aware enough to realize that you are a walking punchline of a self-parody.

5. You seriously have the balls to say this about Katie Couric? "And, frankly, I'm ecstatic we beat the 'perky one,' 

The Perky One? Your whole shameful career is based on being the perky one. Your only political "skill" is your ability to say despicable, hateful things with a cutesy-poo smile and wink. You invented perky-as-substitute-for-anything-of-substance. The only reason Bill Kristol was smitten enough with you to twist McCain's arm to ad you to the ticket is your smarmy perkiness.

Yes, yes, and those.

 

This is just adorable!

It's just adorable how Sarah Palin thinks that anyone is still taking her seriously!




I just want to pat her on the head and say "very good, Sarah! You're a big helper!"


Also, she forgot to pretend that teabagging rallies are "grass-roots."


Yeah, you are Americans For Prosperity, we know.

Of Course They Were Cross-Hairs

How stupid do they think we are?

Obviously, these are cross-hairs.



 That doesn't mean that SarahPac is responsible for this Congresswoman's being shot. I have no idea whether this particular act of right-wing domestic terrorism was inspired by Sarah Palin or her gun-sight map. He may never have have seen the map, who knows? He may very well have been inspired by Palin, or he may not have. That's not the point. I mean, it is a very important point, it's just not the one I'm making.

The point I'm making is that it's utterly pathetic for Palin's defenders to take to the airwaves en masse to claim that "oh, no, these aren't cross-hairs, they're um. . . surveyor's symbols, yeah that's it, surveyor's symbols."

If those are surveyor's symbols, what are they symbols of? They don't make any sense unless they are cross-hairs.

Why can't they at least be honest and say "we meant those cross-hairs symbolically, we meant that those districts should be targeted politically." Why do they have to go through the whole pearl-clutching "why I never!" routine acting like it never occurred to them that anyone might think those were gun sights! Obviously this lady knows what gun-sights look like.


And it's not like she doesn't traffic in violent gun imagery






And you know who DOES think the symbol is a "bullseye?" Sarah Palin.

 

By the way, Sarah, a bullseye looks like this:



The symbol you used was a cross-hairs or gunsight. But that's not really the point either.

A Couple of Observations About Sarah Palin

1) A Sarah Palin sentence is like an Elvis movie.

In an Elvis movie, you start with a certain number of Elvis songs, then fill in enough dialogue and action to flesh it out to movie length. Everything between the songs is just filling space until the next song comes along.

With Palin, she starts with a certain number of buzzwords, then fills the space in between with whatever random words pop into her head.

Here's an example:

"We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ... We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation."

In other words:

Blah, blah, blah, REAL AMERICA, blah, blah, blah, SMALL TOWNS, blah blah blah, PATRIOTIC, blah blah blah PRO_AMERICA!

2) Palin made a big deal about Rahm Emmanuel using the word "retard." Which, by the way, he didn't. He said that some Democrats were "fucking retarded." It was Rush Limbaugh who used the word "retard." But that was OK because, um, I don't know why. But anyway. . .
Why, if it's so horrible for Rahm Emmanuel to disparage people by comparing them to the mentally disabled, is it OK for Sarah Palin to mock the media by comparing them to the physically disabled? Every time she complains about the non-FOX media (ie legitimate media) she refers to them as the "Lamestream Media." Isn't "lame" a rude way of saying crippled? It's Ok to mock people who are crippled? But not the mentally disabled? I'm just trying to figure out the rules, here.

Why does no one ever call her on this?




Oh, right!

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She Can Quit

Press Release: Palin Book Deal

HARPERCOLLINS ANNOUNCES PUBLICATION
OF A NEW SARAH PALIN BOOK

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Sarah Palin's new book, currently untitled, will be a celebration of American virtues and strengths. Palin will reflect on the key values—both national and spiritual—that have been such a profound part of her life and which continue to inform her vision of the future. The book will include selections from classic and contemporary readings that have inspired her, as well as portraits of some of the extraordinary men and women she admires and who embody her love of country, faith, and family. She will also draw from her personal experience to amplify these timely (and timeless) themes.

So, Sarah Palin's new book will be a collection of excerpts from other books?

So I guess Sarah Palin has found something else she can quit. She can quit even pretending to write her own books.

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She can Quit!

Damn, she's good at quitting things! She can even quit her vacation halfway through!

(although, I suppose technically, you have to be employed in order to actually have a vacation, let's just say she quit her trip to Hawaii halfway through)

The official Palin statement:

Todd and I have since cut our vacation short because the incognito attempts didn’t work and fellow vacationers were bothered for the two days we spent in the sun. So much for trying to go incognito.

Incognito? Seriously? Do you even know what incognito means? See this?

That's Micheal Jackson. Micheal Jackson knew how to go incognito. You can't tell who that is by looking. You could maybe guess, because who the fuck else would be dressed like this, but you can't look at him and see that this is Micheal Jackson.

You on the other hand, this is your attempt at incognititude:

What is the thought process here? A-ha, no one will recognize me if I put on a visor! Oh, crap! this visor is left over from the McCain campaign! I know! I'll just cross out his name! Problem solved! To the Beach!

See, you have actually become a very recognizable person, due largely to the fact that you are a shameless, unrelenting publicity whore, so if you were actually trying to go incognito, you'd have to oh, I don't know, maybe put the tiniest bit of effort into it?

But of course you weren't really trying to go incognito, were you?

The very idea of you shunning the spotlight is as absurd as the thought that you might cut short your trip out of concern for "fellow vacationers." You might as well say that you're quitting because it's the right thing to do for America, or for the people of Alaska, and it's all about family and not being a quitter. Oh, that's right, you used all those up when you quit being governor!

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She Can Quit

She can quit showing respect for a man who has lived his life in service to his country!





Yeah, you blacked out John McCain's name on your hat, way to be a maverick!

You do know that John McCain is the only reason that anyone outside of the Alaska Ethics Commission has ever heard of you, right?

And you do know that you cost him whatever chance he had of winning the election, right?

Yeah, you're embarrassed of John McCain, that's great. He's a war hero, you know, but whatever!

An Excerpt from "Going Rogue"

Here is an excerpt from Sarah Palin's upcoming book which she totally wrote all by herself!

(from Wonkette)

I have to assume this conversation is heavily edited. I imagine the real conversation went something like this. . . . .

Sarah: I'm not a quitter, Track. That's why I have to quit.

Track: I'm going to pray for you, mom. I'm going to pray that someone teaches you the definition of the word "quit."

Sarah: Fast about it for a day.

Track: Hey, you're the one who's quitting a job she took an oath to complete, why the fuck should I be punished?

Sarah: Okay, forget fasting food. fast from cussing for a day then.

Track: How about I fast from having a normal person's name for the next, um, my whole fucking life? How would that be?

Sarah: I'm a maverick!

Track: Yeah, yeah, I know. You're a maverick, mom. How about you quit on this phone call halfway through?

And scene.

I can't imagine how someone hasn't taken sarah aside and told her to top telling the quitting story. Her agent, her publisher, her handlers, someone's gotta tell her that quitting to prove that your not a quitter doesn't really make you look all that smart. Or sane. Or not an idiot.

Also, how does her editor not do something about the phrase "fasting food?"
One can not fast food. The verb to fast doesn't work that way. It's what you call an intransitive verb. It doesn't take an object, except in the very unusual usage of making someone fast as in: to fast a patient for a day before surgery. (dictionary.com)

I think what she means to say is "refrain from," as in "refrain from cussing for a day." But at any rate, "fasting food" really makes no sense. At least "fast from cussing" sort of makes sense although it is incorrect, as Merriam Webster defines "fast" as: 1 : to abstain from food 2 : to eat sparingly or abstain from some foods.

Seriously, most of us learned this shit in high school.

The Worst Non-Profits

The Worst Non-Profit organizations to which to donate your money:



The American Befuddlement Society.

The March of Dime Bags.

Rabid Cats for Humanity.

Project Open Handed Slap to the Face.

The Salvation Navy

The Boys and Girls Pubs of America.

The Bake a Fish Foundation.

Doctors Without Barnes & Noble.

Friends of Roman Polanski

The Apathy Fund

St. Jude Law Children's Hospital.

And the Number One Worst Non-Profit:


SarahPAC.

No Wonder It's Selling So Well!

I was wondering how they were selling so many copies of a book "written by" Sarah Palin.
Now I know. It's organizations like TownHall.com and Newsmax buying up tons of copies to use as free giveaways.

FREE OFFER

Get Sarah Palin's New Book

Great Offer #1!

Get Sarah's book FREE with our Newsmax magazine offer — Go Here Now.

$34.95/yr. plus your choice of a free book with your subscription Subscribe today by clicking below on your free book choice.

Even for free, I think I'll pass, thanks.

do me a favor, though. Since Sarah and Newsmax and SarahPac and whoever are bound to put their ads under this post, go ahead and click on them. Don't buy anything ar sign up for anything, just click on their ads. It'll cost 'em a couple of bucks which will make me smile. And the revenue keeps Blogspot operating as a free blog-hosty thing.

Farewell, Sarah Palin!

Could this possibly be the last rambling, incoherent speech we'll ever hear from Sarah Palin? Say it ain't so, Joe!

No. It isn't. But Sarah Palin did give her farewell to Alaska speech today. Let's look at some excerpts:

What an absolutely beautiful day it is, and it is my honor to speak to all Alaskans, to our Alaskan family this last time as your governor. And it is always great to be in Fairbanks. The rugged rugged hardy people that live up here and some of the most patriotic people whom you will ever know live here

Also my husband and his buddies that want to secede from the Union.

And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature's finest show. Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun.

Yes, Denali. The Mountain that soars.
Soaring is flying, right? Just checking.

And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins.

Until we kick Mother Nature in the shins and start drilling, baby, drilling!

It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future.

If this is our future, get me Doctor Kervorkian!

And it is our men and women in uniform securing it, and we are facing tough challenges in America with some seeming to just be Hell bent maybe on tearing down our nation, perpetuating some pessimism, and suggesting American apologetics

a⋅pol⋅o⋅get⋅ics

 /əˌpɒləˈdʒɛtɪks/ Show Spelled Pronunciation –noun (used with a singular verb) the branch of theology concerned with the defense or proof of Christianity.

And first, some straight talk

aka lies and gibberish

some straight talk for some, just some in the media because another right protected for all of us is freedom of the press, and you all have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate, and exerting power to influence.

Exerting power to influence? That's a thing, right?

Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that's why
our troops are willing to die for you.

Many a soldier's dying words have been "this one's for you, Frank Rich of the New York Times!"

So, how 'bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quite makin' things up.

'Cuz makin' shit up is my bit! You don't see me stealin' yer "dispassionate reporting of the facts" routine, do ya?

and one other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family too,
so leave his kids alone.

See, if I disguise a jab at the press as concern for someone else's family, it makes me seem kinda noble. Never mind that I have trotted my kids out anywhere there was a camera for the last two years.

OK, today is a beautiful day and today as we swear in Sean Parnell, no one will be happier than I to witness by God's grace Alaskans with strength of character advancing our beloved state. Sean has that.

Has what?

Don't forget Alaskans you are the resource owners per our constitution

And the workers must own the means of production! Power to the people!

Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership... got to stiffen your spine to do what's right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you're going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here's how they do it.

They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes. Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt.

Many Alaskans would face starvation if not allowed to shoot wolves from a helicopter!

but nothing, nothing could have succeeded without my right-hand man Kris Perry. She is the sharpest, boldest, hardest-working partner. Kris is my right-hand man and much success is due to Kris.

Oh, was I not supposed to mention that she's a man? Sorry Kris!

Alaskans will remember that years ago, remember we sported the old bumper sticker that said, "Alaska. We Don't Give a Darn How They Do It Outside?" Do you remember that? I remember that, and remember it was because we would be different. We'd roll up our sleeves, and we would diligently sow and reap

Using our Old-Testament-era agricultural techniques, praying that a plague of locusts might not descend upon us.

and we can still do this to carve wealth out of the wilderness and make our living on the water, with strong hands and innovative minds, now with smarter technology.

All of which was developed in the lower 48 and paid for largely by Federal R & D grants.

We must be prudent and persistent and press for the people's right to responsibly develop God-given resources for the maximum benefit of the people.

From each according to his ability to each according to his need!

And we have come so far in just 50 years. We're no longer a frontier outpost on the periphery of the world's greatest nation.

Now we're a frontier outpost on the periphery of Canada.

Alaska will lead with energy, we will prove you can be both pro-development and pro-environment, because no one loves their clean air and their land and their wildlife and their water more than an Alaskan. We will protect it.

Now start drilling! And get my helicopter, I'm gonna go shoot me some wolves!

Yes, America must look north to the future for security, for energy independence, for our strategic location on the globe. Alaska is the gate-keeper of the continent.

'Cuz some Siberian motherfuckers might try crossing the Berings Strait, fighting their way through Canada down into Oregon, then across the Great Plains, and next thing ya know, they're attackin' the White House!

some still are choosing not to hear why I made the decision to chart a new course to advance the state. And it should be so obvious to you. (indicating heckler) It is because I love Alaska this much, sir

I love Alaska far too much to leave her in the hands of a vapid, uninformed political dilettante with delusions of grandeur and a persecution complex.

with this decision now, I will be able to fight even harder for you, for what is right, for truth. And I have never felt like you need a title to do that.

Vote for me. Palin 2012!

when I took the oath to serve you, I promised...remember I promised to steadfastly and doggedly guard the interests of this great state like that grizzly guards her cubs, as a mother naturally guards her own.

As a mother protects her underaged daughter from getting knocked up by a hillbilly meth-cooker, um, never mind!

And I will keep that vow wherever the road may lead. Todd and I, and Track, Bristol, Tripp, Willow, Piper, Trig...I think I got 'em all.

Goddammit, can't you media types quit talking about my family!

We will forever be so grateful for the honor of our lifetime to have served you.

Not grateful enough to finish out "our" term, but y'know, thanks!

And so on. . . . .


Sarah, we hardly knew ye! Or more to the point, we hardly knew what the fuck ye were talking about!

(Here's a link to some video highlights on Gawker)

PALIN 2012!

In which I try my hand at creating campaign slogans.

Because Finishing the Job You were Hired to Do
Is just Politics as Usual

She Doesn't Know the Meaning of the Word "quit."
Seriously, she really doesn't.

Ethics, Schmethics!

She'll Get Back to Ya!

And Now, A Message from Sarah Palin

Hey, Jagoffs! Just because I've been mentioned a few times on this here blog-thingy doesn't mean I'm endorsing it. So when the "SarahPac" ads come up. I better not catch any of you lower-48 not-real Americans clicking on them. "Cuz every time you do, I gotta pay the Perfessor a couple of bucks.

Seriously, if you have any respect for me at all, you will not click on the SarahPac ads!

If I catch any of you clicking on the ads just to try and cost me money, me and one of my kids will hunt you down and gut you like this fuckin' moose!

Yeah! That moose bitch won't be messin' with me any time soon!

You think I'm joking? I will quit whatever it is I'm doing at the time and come after you hardcore! You betcha! And I won't stop until you're dead, 'cuz I'm no quitter!


You feel lucky punk? Click on the ads for SarahPac! I dare ya! Make my frikkin' day!