Sunday, April 4, 2010

A Chaos Classic

In celebration of Easter, Spring, and my laziness, I present a re-run of a post from back when no one was reading this.

The Worst Song I Heard at Work This Week

I knew I had given out the title to "life Less Ordinary" too soon! Because today I heard "And We Danced" by The Hooters, which is apparently a band made up of busty white-trash waitresses. Just take a quick gander at some of the lyrics these wordsmiths have produced:
(and yes, it took two of them to craft this gem)

She was a bebop baby on a hard day's night
She was hanging on Johnny, he was holding on tight

Bebop baby? really? What the hell does that mean? She was the daughter of Charlie Parker?

Oh, and the Beatles reference, nice! You know, it was clever when Lennon & McCartney coined the phrase "hard day's night" because no one had used it before. You're just repeating a phrase from vastly superior songwriters. No one's impressed. Ooh! maybe I'll entitle my next post "Johnny B. Goode Along the Watchtower Cries Mary!" What craftsmanship!

But hold on, it gets worse! I know! Hard to believe, right?

And we danced
Like a wave on the ocean, romanced

Ok, two things. First, "danced like a wave on the ocean." What would that even look like?

Cuz I'm picturing this:

But more importantly, there's the "romanced" thing. What, did you just tack that word on to the end of the line to make a rhyme? That's the laziest bit of songwriting I've ever seen. You couldn't come up with anything else?
Here, try this:

and we danced
like a couple of pervs with no pants.

or this:

and we danced
like a boil that needs to be lanced.

or even:

and we danced
we were both surgically enhanced.

Oh wait, one more!

and we danced
like a miniature collie from France.

Ok, that took me like five minutes, so there's no excuse for just throwing a random word on the end of the line.
What if other writers took your approach, Hooters?
just imagine. . . . . .

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun, Pancakes!

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Croquet!

Let me tell you about the very rich.
They are not like you and I, Bitch!

Then there's the rest of the chorus:

We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance

(there, see! It's not that hard to find a legitimate rhyme)
And we danced and danced and danced

Oh, come on! Really?
You are the laziest songwriters ever.

Ooh, wait! One More!

And we danced
I had paid for her time in advance.

ok, last one

and we danced
I had borrowed a suit from Jim Nantz.

oh, I just thought of one more

and we danced
she ignored my political rants.

and we danced
to the tune of gregorian chants.

and we danced
she wanted to waltz, but I can't.

Ok, that's it.