Monday, May 21, 2012

Free Rap Boasts

Featuring special guest Flava Flaaaaaaaaaaav!!!!!

For years, rappers have been searching for comparisons to illustrate how mad are their skills. The boasts usually go something like this:

I've got more action than my man John Woo
And I've got mad hits like I was Rod Carew
--Beastie Boys, Sure Shot

I'm sure they must be running out by now, so I've come up with a few to help out. Aspiring rappers, feel free to incorporate these into your songs:

I got more beats than my man Slim Shady
And I rock the Mike like I was Carol Brady!

Aww, yeah! She always rocked Mike's world!

Okay, how about this:

My rhymes are so fierce you gotta run for shelter
And I give more speeches that Cato the Elder!

Yeah, Boyeeee! 2nd Century BC!

I'm known as a man of indeterminate  gender
And I sit in more freezers than Murray Lender!

Uh huh, uh huh, bagels yo!

Okay, here's another good one:

 I'm strong on defense just like Robert Gates
And I bust more rhymes than William Yeats!

Yeh, yeh yeh, pronounced "Yates" not "Yeets, " suckas!

Or try this on for size:

I got mother issues like Norman Bates
And I run the firm like I was Larry Tate!


Yeeeeeh, Larry Tate! The original Mad Man!

Okay, one more:

Like Jimmy Boeheim, I'm workin' the refs
And I get more young tail than Warren Jeffs.

Nah, man. Not cool.

Just no.