Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Dating advice for creepy weirdos

So some weird creepy creep wrote a weird creepy thing about things that weird creeps should ask on a first date (Because there ain't gonna be a second!) And it goes a little something like this:

11 Things Every Real Conservative Should Ask On A First Date

And none of them are " do you swear you're not a cop?" or "how badly do you want  to stay in America?" or "You sure you're not a cop, 'cuz  if you are, you have to tell me"

Recently, a young being – I don’t want to presume its gender identity, but it’ll probably throw a hissy fit about my blatant chrono-shaming anyway –

Okay, first of all hahahahaha you're so very witty. Secondly, "chrono" means time. I'm not sure what prefix you're looking for here, but I'm pretty sure you aren't referring to "time-shaming."

Recently, a young being – I don’t want to presume its gender identity, but it’ll probably throw a hissy fit about my blatant chrono-shaming anyway – scribbled an article titled 10 Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask On a First Date for his/her/xir fellow liberal freaks. It’s an illuminating view into the twisted minds of the SJWs, but the article never answers the first question we all asked ourselves reading the title: “Why the hell would anyone ever date an intersectional feminist?

 Oh, yeah. Why would anyone want to date someone who is not only opposed to sexism, but also racism and LGBT-hate? Why would you want to date someone who understands who these various -isms can intersect? I mean, she'd have to be all "smart "and "thoughtful" and have a bunch of "self-respect" or something.


Anyway, her/his/xir article is meant to help her/his/xir readers determine whether their prospective mates will be adequate “accomplices in the fight against white supremacy, queerphobia, and misogyny” because “[i]f you’re not going to support marginalized folks, then we can’t be friends, let alone date. The personal is political.” Wow, he/she/xe seems super fun, huh?

Yeah, what kind of a dick would want to spend their time with someone who has a similar point of view? I mean, just because someone hates minorities and women doesn't mean they might not be husband material!

We Normals seek accomplices in reproduction, while SJWs seek accomplices in ideological onanism. Take solace in the fact that we are totally going to outbreed these lunatics.

Yeeeeeah. . . most "normal" people are looking for someone they can fall in love with, have a relationship with, maybe even marry and grow old with. The fact that you think that dating is the search for a brood mare doesn't really make you sound normal.
And I will take solace in the fact that most of your target audience couldn't get laid in a cathouse wearing a suit made of $100 bills.

I’m out of the dating game thanks to my closed-minded, heavily-armed, hot American-Cuban wife,

Interesting sidenote. If you Google "Kurt Schlichter's wife," you get this:

Apparently, he is obsessed with the idea that his wife is "hot," which she may well be, I don't know her, but he seems always to refer to her as "hot wife."

Interesting sidenote to this interesting sidenote: According to Urban Dictionary, the term "hot wife" refers to . . . well, this:

A married woman who has the feedom in her marriage to pursue sexual relationships with men other than her husband. Her husband has full knowledge of her activities and consents to them.
Even though I have been married a long time I am a hotwife and love my freedom!

A quick googling (or check out the #HotWife tag on Twitter, if you have a strong stomach) confirms that this is the term that men who enjoy being cuckolded use to refer to their wives.


So,  based on all available evidence, it seems safe to say that "Normal" Kurt Schlichter's wife has sex with other men and that "Normal" Kurt is okay with that.

Anyway, let's get to the questions.

1. Do you believe that any group’s lives matter more than others?

Okay, that's an easy one. You're supposed to say no, "All LIves Matter" as some sort of rebuke to #BLM. It's a test to check your conservative bona fides, to make sure that you don't empathize with the people who have to live with the fear of being murdered by cops with impunity. So, obviously the answer is supposed to be "no."

The answer should be a resounding, “Yes!”


Wait, what?

American lives matter more than the lives of foreigners, our allies matter more than our enemies, and some people – like jihadists, perverts, and people who refuse to acknowledge the manifest truth that Die Hard is a Christmas movie – matter not at all and should be hunted for sport.


What kind of psychopath. . . I mean, seriously. What the fuck? I don't there aren't there are no words to describe the level of depravity contained in the phrase "American lives matter more than the lives of foreigners." I know I'm supposed to say something sarcastic and humorous here, but  Jesus Christ!

If your date starts telling you some races matter more than others, get up and leave – preferably sticking your date with the check. The last thing you want is some prog-eugenicist who puts people into categories based on where their great-great-great grandfather came from and then justifying it because every pale truck driver from Lawton, Oklahoma, was somehow born with overwhelming privilege.

Riiiight. "Pprogressives"  believe in eugenics. That makes total sense. I mean, it makes sense to people who have decided to start pretending that the Nazis were "liberals" I guess.

And sure, it's foolish to think that your family's country of origin has anything to do with your value as a human being. Everyone knows that your value as a human being is based on where you live now.

2. How many genders are there?

Um, who cares? At least two. But possibly more.

The proper answer is, “Two.”
There are two genders. Not three. Not four. Not sixty–seven. Two. Male. Female. That is all.

I think what you mean is that there are two "sexes." Although I'm not sure into which sex you would shoehorn a person born with both male and female parts, or "ambiguous genitalia." Both of which are absolutely things that happen, so there really are more than two sexes.

human anatomy male and female preeminent male and female anatomy pictures

Here's the thing. As a hetero man, if I were in the dating pool, I would really only want to date people who are  physically female. If I were on a date with someone who was physically female and she said "I don't identify as male or female, I consider myself some third option," I would ask "And is this third option a gender who likes sex with cis/het men?" And as long as she does, I'm golden.Honestly, I don't really understand what "non-binary" or "gender-fluid" mean, but I don't have to. Just because I don't understand something doesn't mean it isn't real.

3. How do you work to dismantle sexism in your life?

The correct answer is, “I don’t. I work to support myself with a job so I’m not some freeloading bum feeding off of Uncle Sucker.”

Image result for non sequitur alert

Um. . . .
You can do both.
You can have a job and support yourself while working to dismantle sexism. The two things really have nothing to do with each other.
It's like if I asked you "what do you want for lunch?" and you answered "Lunch? Forget that, I like baseball!"

If your date has enough dough to indulge in this whiny posturing – money probably provided by his/her ultra-disappointed father, who is living back in some suburb and wondering where he went wrong – then stick him/her with the check.

That's not. . . Um. . . there's no connection here.
There's no connection between financial security and hatred of sexism. And what is this obsession with sticking your date with the check? If this is your attempt at humor, don't quit your day job.

4. What are your thoughts on guns?

Ugggh.This is gonna be gross.

Your date should answer, “You don’t have enough guns.” This answer should come before you mention just how many guns you already have.

Right, because you wouldn't want to date someone who isn't a potential mass-murderer.

You don't have enough - - you know, you only have two trigger-fingers, how many guns do you need?


Even in a John Woo movie, this is the maximum number of guns you can fire.

And I get why you might feel the need for more than two, as different guns have different purposes. For instance this gun


is for hunting.

This gun


is for target-shooting.

And this gun


is for making mass murder easier to commit.

But really, someone who thinks that you can never have enough guns is almost certainly mentally ill and probably dangerous. You should avoid that person like the plague.

Okay, that's only 4 questions out of 11, but it's getting close to my bedtime and I'm not staying up late subjecting myself to more of this. Maybe we can continue this next time.