Thursday, December 31, 2009

On Vacation

We spent Christmas day driving to Florida in an attempt to get warm.

Quantcast FLORIDA

Spent Christmas night in Orlando, only because we were tired of driving because honestly, if you aren't going to Disneyworld or Universal or whatever there is no earthly reason why anyone woulf want to be in Orlando.

Then on to Fort Lauderdale, which is like Miami with less insanity and fewer drunken, oversexed trust-fund kids.
Although, you do get more of this:

Anyway, a cold snap hit Ft Lauderdale, so here we are back in Atlanta.

Will resume regular posting shortly.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Problematic Christmas Song Lyrics

#1-- Do You Hear What I Hear?

I'm willing to accept the lamb speaking to the shepherd boy about something the night wind told him, I just assume the little shepherd boy found some unusual mushrooms to snack on. The real problem comes in verse 3:

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know
In your palace wall mighty king
Do you know what I know

Okay, there is no way this little fucking peasant boy is getting in to see the mighty king.
Do you know how many layers of security you'd have to get through to see a mighty king? It's not like crashing a state dinner at the White House. And then you do somehow get an audience with the king, and you're going to pull that smartass Cindy Brady "I know something you don't know" routine? You're pulling that shit with the fucking king? I don't think so.

Then the shepherd boy finally tells the king what he came there to tell him:

A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold

Silver and Gold? Silver and Gold? The baby is shivering in the cold, bring him a freakin blankie! A little hat. A tiny Snuggie! What is he going to do with silver and gold? Sure, tomorrow he could maybe buy a blankie, but it's the middle of the night and Wal-Mart hasn't been invented yet, so there is nowhere to buy anything until at least tomorrow. And tomorrow Wal-Mart will be closed, because it'll be Christmas Day!

And where are you going to get silver and gold, shepherd boy? You're a shepherd boy! You don't have a bunch of spare silver and gold lying around. When you say let "us" bring him silver and gold, you really mean let "you" bring him silver and gold, don't you?

#2 -- It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I'm willing to overlook lines like "kids Jingle-belling" And "There'll be much mistletoe-ing" because I know it can be hard to find rhymes for words like "telling" and "glowing" but what I can not understand is the line:

There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago

Who tells scary ghost stories at Christmas? What kind of family did this person grow up with? No one sits around the Christmas tree sipping eggnog and "hanging from the door was a BLOODY HOOK!!!!!!!"

And there are what, like a hundred different recordings of this song and No one has ever thought "yeah, let's replace that line."
How about "We'll have veal cacciatore"
Or "There'll be several Hugh Lauries"
Or "There'll be rocks from the quarries"
Or "We'll have large inventories."
Or " We'll vote out the Torries"
I don't know, but there has to be something better than "scary ghost stories"

#3 -- Here Comes Santa Claus

Here comes santa claus, here comes santa claus,
Right down santa claus lane.

He doesn't care if you're a rich or poor,
He loves you just the same.

That is such a blatant lie that it barely merits discussion. Of course Santa cares if you're rich or poor. Santa brings more and better gifts to the rich kids, everyone knows that. Interestingly, this line does not exist in Gene Autrey's original song. It was added to the Elvis Presley version for some reason.

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Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Three Things I Have in Common with Wanda Jackson

1. I've never kissed a bear.

2. I've never kissed a goon.

3. I can shake a chicken in the middle of the room.

Although, to be honest, I never actually have shaken a chicken in the middle of the room, but I feel confident that I could if called upon so to do.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Biggest Story Ever!

Oh My God!!!!!!

Ala. Dem defects to GOP

over health care, policy

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – A U.S. House Democrat who opposes the health care overhaul announced Tuesday he is defecting to the GOP, another blow to Democrats ahead of the midterm elections.

Stop The Presses!
This is a HUUUUUGE blow to the democratic party whose House majority has now been whittled down from a commanding 81 seats to a razor-thin 79!!!!!!

Rep. Parker Griffith of Alabama discusses his decision to switch ...

AP – Rep. Parker Griffith of Alabama discusses his decision to switch from the Democratic Party to the Republican …

And what a valuable ally he's been to Congressional Democrats, voting against healthcare, against the stimulus, against equal pay for women, and against

And now he'll be voting with the Republicans against everything the Democrats propose from the other side of the aisle? What a paradigm-shifting development this is!

So good bye and good riddance, Congressman Griffith. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. And would you mind taking Ben Nelson and Max Baucchus with you?

The Kitten

Monday, December 21, 2009

Courtney Love is Concerned About her Daughter.

Courtney Love: 'I don't want Frances Bean to become Jamie Lynn Spears'

Seriously? Because I really think that might be the least of your worries.

I might be more concerned about her turning into the drug-addicted suicide or the drug-addicted fame whore than I would about Jamie Spears.
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Really. How is Jamie Lynn the scenario you're worried about?

Oh, you know what? You know how you could show your concern? Write something on FACEBOOK!

"I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position. She was deceptive, she lied and she's lying to herself. My daughter is not always honest. She is clearly deluded if she thinks she can buy her grandmother a small house in L.A. I'd love to see how that works. She thinks she has all this money. The point is, I have all the money she has."

OK, no. You're doing it wrong.

"dont worry frances is a wonderful kid. . ."


"dont worry frances is a wonderful kid shes gotbadd people around her and wants it both ways, her aunt brieanne who isnt kurts sister is a black hole, look ask charlie cross or don cobain whart a disaster the drunk as fuck nasty assed brieanne is,ask kelly osbourne,

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Someone call CPS

And send them to whatever trailer park Billy Ray Cyrus is raising his kids in.

Apparently, everyone involved just thinks that this is so super-adorable, the littlest Cyrus auditioning for Scores, that Miley Cyrus put the video on her official website!

Also, who the fuck names a girl Noah? What, did you just flip open the Bible to a random page and grab the first name you saw?

Noah? Is that a girl's name? Aw, hell honey, I ain't got time to do all that there readin' to find out. If'n it's in the Bible, it's good enough fer my kin!

My first and Last Tiger Woods Joke

Oh, Penis! Look  at the trouble you

Quantcast Aw, heck! I can never stay mad at you!

Merry Catsmas!

This Chick Is Bad-Ass!

Before Disney, Florida didn

Friday, December 18, 2009

Chuck Norris Dildo Update

Is Chuck Norris still a dildo?

Let's check in and see!

What if Mother Mary had Obamacare?

Yeah, I'd have to say that Chuck Norris is still a dildo!

For one thing, the byline states that this column is a "WorldNetDaily EXCLUSIVE!"

But do a quick Yahoo! search, and this turns up:

Chuck Norris : What if Mother Mary Had Obamacare? -

What if Mother Mary Had Obamacare? - HUMAN EVENTS

What if Mother Mary had Obamacare? - Yes Weekly

So, this claptrap is published on at least 3 other BS sites.

But anyway, do tell, Chuck. What if Mother Mary had "Obamacare?"

For one thing, she might have given birth in a maternity ward instead of a filthy stable.

Lastly, as we sit on the eve of another Christmas, I wonder: What would have happened if Mother Mary were covered by Obamacare? What if that young, poor uninsured teenaged woman were provided the federal funds (via Obamacare) and facilities (via Planned Parenthood, etc.) to avoid the ridicule, ostracizing, persecution and possible stoning because of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy?

Really? You seriously think that the Angel Gabriel would appear to Mary, tell her that she is going to bear the Savior of all mankind, and Mary would have just said "oh, fuck this, I'm getting me one of them free guv'mint abortions!" Is that what you think? Really?

Will Obamacare morph into Herodcare for the unborn? Imagine all the great souls who could have been erased from history and the influence of mankind, if only they too would have been as progressive as Washington's wise men and women!

Okay, how about this? We make a rule that no one is allowed to get an abortion if she is a virgin? And has been visited by an angel. And the angel told her that the baby she would have was the son of God. Then no abortion! How would that be?

Imagine all the Great souls. . . Did you know Sadam Hussein's mother was considering having an abortion? And some zealot talked her out of it? (or so I've heard) Why do people always make these arguments about aborting the next Beethoven or the next Ghandi or whatever? What if she aborts the next Jeffery Dahmer? Or the next Billy Joel?

And, most of all, Washington needs to run our government as Thomas Jefferson outlined, when he wrote in 1809, "The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government."

And then he fucked his slaves.
And by the way, wouldn't expanding healthcare be an example of the care of human life and happiness? Or are we only counting un-born Americans? Because once they're born, it's apparently OK to send them off to be killed in some god-forsaken desert for no earthly good goddamned reason.

One last "thought" from Chuck:

The big question and bottom line, as Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, asked, is: "Why should people of conscience be forced to participate in any aspect of abortion?"

Gee, I don't know, why are people of conscience forced to fund an illegal, immoral, and ill-advised war in a country that had fuck-all to do with 9/11?
Why are people who are opposed to the death penalty required to have their tax dollars pay for the lethal drugs injected into the condemned? It's called living in a society, dimwit. Once the majority has decided what it believes to be in the best interests of the society, we are all compelled to go along. And we are free to complain and we are free to influence public opinion, and change minds, and we are free to support opposing candidates to try and change the direction of the society, but we don't get to just decline to participate. This is how societies work. Try and keep up.


Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She can Quit!

Damn, she's good at quitting things! She can even quit her vacation halfway through!

(although, I suppose technically, you have to be employed in order to actually have a vacation, let's just say she quit her trip to Hawaii halfway through)

The official Palin statement:

Todd and I have since cut our vacation short because the incognito attempts didn’t work and fellow vacationers were bothered for the two days we spent in the sun. So much for trying to go incognito.

Incognito? Seriously? Do you even know what incognito means? See this?

That's Micheal Jackson. Micheal Jackson knew how to go incognito. You can't tell who that is by looking. You could maybe guess, because who the fuck else would be dressed like this, but you can't look at him and see that this is Micheal Jackson.

You on the other hand, this is your attempt at incognititude:

Sarah Palin -- Click to Launch

What is the thought process here? A-ha, no one will recognize me if I put on a visor! Oh, crap! this visor is left over from the McCain campaign! I know! I'll just cross out his name! Problem solved! To the Beach!

See, you have actually become a very recognizable person, due largely to the fact that you are a shameless, unrelenting publicity whore, so if you were actually trying to go incognito, you'd have to oh, I don't know, maybe put the tiniest bit of effort into it?

But of course you weren't really trying to go incognito, were you?

The very idea of you shunning the spotlight is as absurd as the thought that you might cut short your trip out of concern for "fellow vacationers." You might as well say that you're quitting because it's the right thing to do for America, or for the people of Alaska, and it's all about family and not being a quitter. Oh, that's right, you used all those up when you quit being governor!

James Inhofe Now an Embarrassment to Entire US

James Inhofe used to be just an embarrassment to the people of Oklahoma (although most Oklahomans have yet to realize this) but now he's going overseas to make us look bad in front of the cool countries.

(from Politico)
COPENHAGEN — Sen. Jim Inhofe flew across the Atlantic and — on little sleep — braved the snow, the cold and the dark to deliver his skeptical message at the international climate conference.

How has this dunce not had his passport revoked? Everyone knows you keep the crazy uncle locked in the basement so the neighbors don't see him.

The ranking Republican on the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee hoped to spread two messages in Copenhagen: Global warming is a hoax, and there’s no way the Senate is going to pass a cap-and-trade bill.

Oh, God! How can we expect other countries to take us seriously when this dolt is representing us on the international stage?

Quantcast I Don

What he found when he got here: a few aides and a single reporter.

“I think he’s going to be a little disappointed,” one of his aides remarked.

But Inhofe’s aides eventually rustled up a group of reporters, and the Oklahoman — wearing black snakeskin cowboy boots — held forth from the top of a flight of stairs in the conference media center.

Yeah, that's a mistake. When your boss is James Inhofe, it's probably best to shield him from the international press.

A reporter asked: “If there’s a hoax, then who’s putting on this hoax, and what’s the motive?”

See, these aren't American reporters. They aren't required to pretend to take you seriously. They don't need to act like your ridiculous ideas count as much as the considered opinions of all the legitimate scientists in the world, lest they be accused of liberal bias.

A reporter asked: “If there’s a hoax, then who’s putting on this hoax, and what’s the motive?”

“It started in the United Nations,” Inhofe said, “and the ones in the United States who really grab ahold of this is the Hollywood elite.”

The United Nations? Are you sure you don't mean the Freemasons? Or the Illuminati? At least make your conspiracy theory interesting, if not at all believable. And whomever you decide to accuse of being behind the conspiracy, take the time to assign them a motive. Say the U.N. owns stock in a solar energy company, or the Hollywood Elite want to make everyone afraid of rising oceans so they can have all the killer waves to themselves.

". . . the ones in the United States who really grab ahold of this is the Hollywood elite.”

One reporter asked Inhofe if he was referring to California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

See, foreign reporters aren't just going to accept what you say at face value without asking follow-up questions.

Another reporter — this one from Der Spiegel — told the senator: “You’re ridiculous.”

He's got a point, Senator!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She Can Quit

She can quit showing respect for a man who has lived his life in service to his country!

Sarah Palin -- Click to Launch

Yeah, you blacked out John McCain's name on your hat, way to be a maverick!

You do know that John McCain is the only reason that anyone outside of the Alaska Ethics Commission has ever heard of you, right?

And you do know that you cost him whatever chance he had of winning the election, right?

Yeah, you're embarrassed of John McCain, that's great. He's a war hero, you know, but whatever!

Beyond Pathetic

The "One News Now" group is usually pretty pathetic, bu this time they may have hit the bottom of the barrel.

Obama's Nobel Prize - is it unconstitutional?
Jim Brown - OneNewsNow - 12/14/2009 7:35:00 AM

Seriously? That's what you got? Have you given up on the whole born-in-Kenya, commie-Hitler thing?

A constitutional scholar says President Obama's acceptance of the Nobel Peace Prize may be a violation of the U.S. Constitution because he received the award without the consent of Congress.

And just who is this "Constitutional scholar"?

Matthew Spalding with The Heritage Foundation is concerned about the constitutionality of Obama's acceptance of the Nobel Prize.

Oh, the Heritage Foundation! What, you couldn't get someone from the John Birch Society? The LaRouchies not returning your calls?

(from Heritage website)
Before joining Heritage in 1994, Spalding was a senior policy analyst at the Claremont Institute for the Study of Statesmanship and Political Philosophy

So he's been collecting wingnut welfare his entire adult life?

Spalding is a graduate of Claremont McKenna College. He earned a doctorate in government from Claremont Graduate School, concentrating his studies on political philosophy and early American political thought.

Philosophy and political thought. Not Constitutional law? Oh, sure studying political philosophy, that's the same thing as being a Constitutional Scholar. My major was American History, so I'm going to say I'm an expert in English Literature. Same difference.

Spalding's work on The Heritage Guide to the Constitution, which brought together the contributions of 109 legal authorities, earned him Heritage's prestigious W. Glenn and Rita Ricardo Campbell Award in 2006. The award is given to the Heritage employee who makes "an outstanding contribution to the analysis and promotion of a free society."

Wow! He won an award given out by the organization that includes himself! And he won this award for being one of 109 crackpots to contribute to some book that no one will ever read? How prestigious!

So on what basis does this great legal mind object to Barack Obama's Nobel Prize?

A clause in Article I, Section 9 of the U.S. Constitution states: "No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office or Trust under them, shall, without the consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign state."
That raises a question: Is the Nobel Peace Prize an "Emolument"?

Well, here's the short answer: No.

Here's a longer answer: No it is not. And what the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, do you not have access to a dictionary?

Main Entry: emol·u·ment
Pronunciation: \i-ˈmäl-yə-mənt\
Function: noun
1 : the returns arising from office or employment usually in the form of compensation


–noun profit, salary, or fees from office or employment; compensation for services



/ɪˈmɒl.jʊ.mənt/US pronunciation symbol/-ˈmɑːl-/ n [C] UK formal
a payment in money or some other form that is made for work that has been done
(Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary)

See, if you'd taken a couple of minutes to look the word up, you'd see that an emolument is something which is earned as compensation for service. And since, as it has been pointed out numerous times, President Obama has basically done fucking nothing to have earned the Nobel Peace Prize, there is no way even a brilliant scholar such as yourself can twist the prize into an "emolument."

Is the Nobel Peace Prize an "Emolument" -- a gift arising from one's office which includes some sort of monetary award with it?

No. An emolument is not a gift. It is earned. And even you should know that.

Spalding, director of the B. Kenneth Simon Center for American Studies at The Heritage Foundation, says since the award is technically the property of the United States, Obama has under 60 days to turn the award over to the appropriate authorities for proper disposal.

Do you have any legal argument for the award being the property of the United States and not the property of the person to whom it was given? No? Anything? You just gonna toss that out there as if it were established fact?

"The Commission, the group that gives out the Nobel Prize, is actually appointed by the Parliament of Norway, which is [to] say that it's connected with a foreign state. This makes it very interesting," the Heritage scholar notes.

No. No it doesn't. Not interesting at all.

"In 1993, President Clinton's own Office of Legal Counsel said that it didn't have to be a foreign state acting in a formal way, but could be, rather, indirect.

Of course, they also told him that a blowjob was not an impeachable offense, so. . .

[This] seems to be a perfect example of what the Nobel Prize is -- and the Founders put this clause in the Constitution precisely to make sure that foreign states didn't unwarrantedly influence American domestic politics."

Now he's in the pocket of the Norwegians? Won't that interfere with his loyalty to Allah?
Those damn Norskies have been trying to influence our government for years, and they finally found a way! Look for the Treasury Department to switch our currency from the Dollar to the Herring any day now! Government offices will close for Thor Heyerdahl Day, and Bjork will write our new national anthem!
(I know, she's Icelandic, I don't know any Norwegian musicians)

Spalding believes the Nobel Prize Commission intended to give the award to a president who had not yet accomplished anything, in hopes of encouraging him to do certain things in the future. Interestingly Nobel committee chairman Thorbjorn Jagland has defended the choice of Obama, saying the prize should be an "instrument for peace rather than [a] stamp of approval."

While tenting his fingers like Mr. Burns and laughing like Vincent Price, no doubt!

One News Now, you've outdone yourself this time! This is beyond pathetic!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She Can Quit

Now she can quit paying people for services rendered!

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

Check from Palin in the mail?

Sarah Palin not only annoyed leaders of the Utah Republican Party when she didn't have time for them during her book signing stop in Salt Lake City last week. She also took off from her hotel after arranging for a last-minute hair appointment without paying the hairdresser and leaving her to cover her own valet parking.

But Rhonda Halliday of Images Hair Studio and Day Spa wants to give Palin the benefit of the doubt. She thinks the lack of payment was unintended, and someone on Palin's staff just dropped the ball.

Right, if anyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, it's Caribou Barbie! She might actually be air-headed enough to not realize that haircuts cost money.

Halliday was called by a friend at 8 a.m. last Wednesday and was told Palin needed her hair done that morning. Halliday had planned to take her 3-year-old to the dentist for her first filling that morning, but arranged for her husband to get off work for that chore.

The world must come to a halt so Sarah "jes' plain folks" Palin can get her hair did!

She was told to meet the group at the Monaco Hotel in downtown Salt Lake City and to just leave her car with valet parking.

After being ushered to a room on the 15th floor and given some instructions (don't talk to Palin unless she talks first) she did Palin's hair while the former Alaska governor chatted with her family.

Palin actually does a worse job of putting on the "aw shucks, jest folks" schtick than Jennifer "Still Jenny from the block" Lopez. Don't speak unless she speaks to you? The fucking queen of England is the only other one I know of with that rule. What is she, the Barbara Streisand of politics?

Then, the Palin party left to get to the book signing at Costco on time.

Halliday was the last one out of the room because she had to put her equipment away, then watched as they all drove off without anyone mentioning payment or a tip, which is common when the hairdresser travels to the client for the appointment.

Only Washington Insider Elitists tip! Tipping is socialist! If you tip the commoners, soon they'll forget their place and may try to make eye contact with you.

When the valet attendant got her car, he said that would be $10. She said she was with the Palin party and assumed they would take care of parking. That was news to him, so she had to fork over the $10.

Nice touch! Not only does the poor hairdresser not get paid, she's actually out ten bucks!

She says her friend has contacted Palin's assistant and was told to send them an invoice.

Have your people call my people?

Next time someone tells you about what a down-to-earth, real person Saint Sarah is, send them a link to the Salt lake Journal story about Palin and her entourage. At least you'll get a few moments' peace while they try to figure out how best to spin the story.

Monday, December 14, 2009

See, Joe This is why Everyone Hates You.

Washington (CNN) -- Dashing the hopes of Democratic lawmakers Sunday, Sen. Joseph Lieberman signaled he would oppose a health care bill that includes a proposal to expand Medicare to people as young as 55.

Lieberman outlined steps that he said would ensure the bill passes the Senate with support from Democrats and some Republicans. Forget about the government-run public health insurance option, Lieberman said, as well as the Medicare measure that was proposed last week as part of a package of alternatives to the public option.

Lieberman's other conditions were eliminating a government insurance program focused on home health care for the disabled and strengthening cost-containment provisions.

So Joe, if you've ever wondered why everyone hates you, this is why.
The only way that the mighty Lieberman will allow this bill to pass is if everything worthwhile is removed. It's like Joe will allow the Senate to start up a softball team, but only if they don't get bats or gloves or ever try to play softball.

"We don't need to keep adding on to the back of this horse until the horse breaks down and we get nothing done," Lieberman said.

Yes, much better to have a riderless horse with empty saddle bags than to overload him.

How the hell does this guy keep getting elected in Connecticut?

This is your smurf

This Is Your Smurf

This Is Your Smurf on Drugs

Any Questions?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

A Hot Date on Caturday Night

Quantcast Let me just slip into something more comfortable

Quantcast Ooh, La La!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Supermodel or 1980's Industrial band?

It Can Be Hard to Tell. Runway 14 by heavyweather.

Check out the list of names below and see how many you can get.
View ImageADCD Paper Fashion Show by pixelninja.
View Image

1) Einsturzende Neubauten

2)Doutzen Kroes

3) Die Krupps

4) Laibach

5) Veruschka

6) Nitzer Ebb

7) Nimue Smit

8) Diamanda Galas

9) Miljuschka Witzenhausen

10) Anja Rubik

Test Dept by Herschell Hershey.

Answers: (click names for answers)

1) Einsturzende Neubauten

2)Doutzen Kroes

3) Die Krupps

4) Laibach

5) Veruschka

6) Nitzer Ebb

7) Nimue Smit

8) Diamanda Galas *

9) Miljuschka Witzenhausen

10) Anja Rubik

turkish model by reslaaa.

* I know, she's a singer not a band. Also probably not considered "Industrial." Give yourself full credit for this question.