Thursday, March 5, 2020

Things I learned on Twitter

I'm not quitting the blog. I've just been super busy lately. Hopefully regular posting will resume in the near future. But today, I present Things I Learned on Twitter:

!. Bill Clinton just doesn't know when to let things go.

You know, Bill, no one was wondering. No one is sitting around in 2020, trying to decide between Bernie and Joe and thinking "Gee, I wonder why Bill Clinton decided to get his dick sucked in the Oval Office?" First of all, because all of us who happen to have dicks have no problem understanding why you would want to get yours sucked pretty much anywhere, but especially in the Oval Office. That's not a mystery. We totally understand your motivation there. I'm a little confused about your motivation fro bringing it up now, though. Did you just get up in the morning and think :you know, I haven't humiliated Hillary publicly in a while, think I'll bring up my most famous infidelity in an interview!" Then you popped your head up and said "Hey, America, remember me? Remember that time I got my dick sucked in the Oval Office? That was a baller move, right?" I think I speak for most of America when I say we would like to go back to not having to think about you at all, and we would especially like to not have to keep feeling bad for Hillary.

2. There's a good chance that thi year, the choice for President will come down to a senile compulsive liar who's a Republican and a senile compulsive liar who's a Democrat.

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3. Men in the 1970's were apparently super weird about women's hands?

When you see a headline that reads "Things to do with your hands that men like," you're probably thinking "Yeah, I know what that one thing is." But apparently, you'd be wrong. 'Cuz there are like a hundred other things that men apparently used to want women to do with their hands.Some of them are a bit obvious, like "un-kink his tense neck muscles with a massage." I mean, sure. Who wouldn't enjoy that? Others a re just downright offensive like ". . .put cushions under his head and feet. Bring him a martini."Then there are some that are just bizarre.

Hand his orange juice to him while he's toweling off after the shower.

Yeah, that's the perfect time to hand someone a beverage, when he doesn't have a free hand. He'll think you're a lunatic.

Smash his goblet in the fireplace.

Okay, first of all, who has a goblet? What Medieval fortress are you living in that has goblets and fireplaces? And you know what, goblets aren't cheap. If someone threw my fancy-ass drinking vessel into the fireplace I would have a serious bone to pick with that person.I mean, why exactly am I supposed to enjoy this bit of senseless vandalism?

Section his grapefruit.

Oh yeah. Treat your man like an invalid or a toddler. Hey, maybe you can cut his meat for him too! And give him his beverage in a sippy cup (since you've already destroyed the glassware.)

Do needlepoint while he watches.

Is needlepoint code for some sort of naked activity? Or is your man just incredibly easily entertained and doesn't own a television, radio, or books?

Put your hands on his naked waist and stare at him.

Stare at him? He's naked, you're putting your hands on him, he's thinking there are good times ahead and then you just. . . stare at him? Are you trying to get him to have you committed?

Give him an egg shampoo

Right. . . I know there's nothing I enjoy more than when my wife cracks eggs onto my head and. . . I mean, I guess that's what an "egg shampoo" would be? Like washing one's hair with eggs instead of something that makes hair, you know, clean? Oh hell yeah, baby! Next could you rub raw bacon on my face and coat my skin in cake batter?

Now that egg shampoo thing might seem impossible to top, but what about this thing that us menfolk love for our womenfolk to do?

Make a sandwich out of him and two pillows. Your feast.

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Okay, I'll admit the "your feast" part sounds intriguing, but am I to be smothered between two pillows whilst the feasting is happening? Because I gotta say, that's. . . well, okay, it's not a deal breaker, but it sounds pretty awful.

And there are some that are even a bit insulting.

Pat his stomach and ask if there's any movement.

So, is she making fun of my pot belly? Like pretending that she thinks I'm pregnant? Because that is just rude. I have lost like 15 pounds already, I am doing my best! Nothing is ever good enough for you!

Put your fingertips across his mouth

Okay, I get it. You can just say "Shhh." Or "Not now, I'm watching my stories." You don't have to be a jerk about it!
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