Wednesday, July 29, 2015

We need a new Australia

We need some sort of desert island where we can send people who are not exactly criminals, or bad people, but need to be removed from decent society.
People like:

1. People who smoke at the beach

Oh, hey, thanks for that, buddy. I was so tired of smelling that clean salty air. Hey, if it's not too much trouble could you maybe stand right in front of me to block my view of the water and shriek curse words to cover the sound of the waves?

2. People who respond to the question "how you doin'?" with "I'm blessed!"

 Screen Shot 2015-07-26 at 8.36.41 PM
 Yeahhhh. . . I was just making small talk. Didn't really sign up for a sermon, there Reverend.

3. Marketers who use the "Peace symbol, Heart, Product" template.

It's not funny, it's not clever, it's certainly not original. And it's kinda shitty to be coopting the concepts of peace and love to sell some stupid product.

Also, whoever is making and/or wearing those "Keep Calm and. . ." T-shirts.

Just stop it. It's not amusing. It's just annoying. And it's a frivolous use of the slogan that was an attempt to help Londoners get through the Blitz.

4. People who put "I Love my Kids" stickers on their cars.$_35.JPG

Oh, do you? You love your kids, do ya? Really? Wow, what a fucking accomplishment! You've managed to achieve an emotional state mastered only by every living creature except goldfish and Susan Smith! Well, where's your parade? How have they not built a statue of you yet? I can surely see how you'd take such pride in this state of affairs that you'd want all the other commuters to know what a fine fine human being you are!

5. These people

These people who can't get on a bicycle without putting on the entire Greg LeMonde ensemble like they're in the Tour de France.
Look, it's perfectly admirable that you're biking to work. It's great that you're choosing a zero-emission vehicle and improving your health and probably having some fun. But you're commuting. You're not qualifying for the Olympics. You really need to shave that tenth of a second off your time to Globotech?
People have been riding bicycles for over a century. And for most of bicycling history, they've done it dressed like this.
You don't need a special bicycle-riding outfit.
No one needs to see you in neck-to-knee spandex, no matter how in shape you are. 
You don't have to wear some ridiculous get-up that makes you look like a rejected superhero prototype. In fact, you don't need to wear anything at all.

So who else? Who else needs to be sent to an island? Leave your nominees in the comments and we'll start rounding them up.

And for the record, I know Australia was not a deserted island. I know that there were people already living there when the Brits started shipping prisoners there and that those people were and still are treated very badly by the Brits. I know.