Wednesday, December 12, 2018

The all-time worst Christmas song

Okay, I'm back.

Actually, I've been back for a while, but I've been sick. Apparently, the American flu shot doesn't work in Spain because I guess their viruses are metric or something? Any way, mission accomplished. I don't know whether you noticed, but Dec. 5th came and went and Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are still walking around free. You're welcome.We had to sacrifice Poppy Bush, but it was worth it.

Anyway, since returning to the States, I think I have discovered the absolute worst Christmas song of all time. I know, we've done our fair share of complaining about Christmas music in the past ( Like here. And here.  Also here.  And probably here. ) but this is the all-time winner. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you. . .

. . . "Dearest Santa."

Dearest Santa tells the story of a young orphan boy who wants only one thing for Christmas. A family. The one thing he wants is a family and a home of his own - two things. The two things this poor child wants is a home of his own, a mother and a father. The three things he wants. . . All he wants is a family. Which is really sad.

But wait.

All this poor kid wants is a family AND HE DOESN'T GET IT!

How is that possible in a Christmas song?
Shouldn't everyone get what they want in a Christmas song?

here are the lyrics:

Would you listen and lend an ear
'Cause I only come around once a year?
And this is for a very special cause
My name is Santa Claus
One Christmas Eve, I visited a home
Where children lived who've no home of their own
And though I brought them gifts galore
This is what one asked me for...
"Dearest Santa, I don't want toys
Or choo-choo trains with lots of noise
I want a home like other boys
Christmas day
"Dearest Santa, I will be
Just as good as I can be
If you'll give me a family
Christmas day
"I'm so lonesome, I'm so blue
Is there somethin' you can do? oh...
"Please, dear Santa, don't ignore
This little boy who's begging for
A mother whom he'll just adore
Christmas day
"I would be so proud and glad
If I could just say, 'Meet my dad,' so...
"Please, dear Santa, heed my quest
And tell them I'll behave my best
That if they'd take me, they'll be blessed
Christmas day."

And that's it! There's no final verse where Santa hooks him up with a sweet mew pair of parents,. No coda where Santa adopts the kid himself. There's not even a little addendum at the end where Santa encourages the listeners to consider adopting lonely orphans. It's just Santa relating the story of a poor sad little boy begging him for parents and Santa not doing shit to help him.I mean, does Santa think he comes off as the good guy in this story?

And this kid is begging. He is groveling. He has zero dignity, and nothing good happens for him. The song ends where it begins, with this poor kid pining away in the orphanage. Merry Christmas, everybody - life is a cruel joke and no one is coming to save you! Ho ho ho!!!

Agitated Santa showing his middle finger to the camera Stock Photo - 16510656