Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Chuck Norris Dildo Update

Let's check in with Chuck Norris and see if he's still a dildo.


White House vs. Boy Scouts, Part 1

Well, he's still writing for WingNut daily, so he's probably still a dildo, but let's check his column just in case
(Editor's note: This is Part 1 of a three-part series on the White House and the Boy Scouts. In Parts 2 and 3, Norris will not only give further proof concerning how the Obama administration is creating an arm's-length relationship with the BSA, but show how President Obama's advocacy of the BSA compares to the past 100 years of U.S. presidents.)

because, you know, who cares about healthcare or Afghanistan, the true measure of a chief executive is his relations with the Boy Scouts of America!

Over the past months, a widely circulated e-mail has reported that President Obama is not signing Eagle Scout certificates, which only 4 to 5 percent of Boy Scouts attain. Categorically, Internet watchdog sites like Snopes.com and TruthOrFiction.com have classified the claims as "hogwash." But I have found a steady stream of White House whitewashing when it comes to the Boy Scouts of America.

Snopes and TruthOrFiction have labeled this claim hogwash, but that doesn't fit with my central thesis, so they can be dismissed out of hand.

"No Eagle recognition letters have been received this year from the president," said Richard Meyers, who attained his Eagle rank in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency and is now assistant scoutmaster for troop 162 in Arlington County, Va.

And if you are the Assistant Scoutmaster for Troop 162, you know everything that has happened throughout the entire BSA organization this year. Nothing happens without the okay of assistant scoutmaster for troop 162!

So why the tardiness? The BSA says the primary reason was due to an administrative delay authorizing the president's signature – something they say occurs every time there's a change in the presidency.

Okay, that clears it up. If you're a normal person. I'm going to go ahead and guess, though that it doesn't clear things up for Chuck.

Fascinating how I don't recall any "administrative delay" with the host of presidential signatures on a wide variety of issues and legislation from Obamacare, further stem-cell research, additional federal liberties for abortions or increasing the U.S. debt to bailout banks, the car industry, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, etc.

Yes, because the presidential signature on major legislation is exactly the same as signing certificates proving that Jimmy put up with inappropriate contact from scoutmaster bob all the way through high school. Also, the banks were bailed out during the Bush Administration, and abortion has been legal in this country since 1973, but whatever.

Obama became the honorary president of the BSA way back on March 3, 2009 – an event that was done almost completely in secret in the Oval Office. Since President William Howard Taft in 1910, U.S. presidents have proudly fulfilled the position of honorary president of the BSA. But neither the honor nor event was highlighted in any official White House communication. Nothing said at the March 3 White House briefing. Nothing noted anywhere on the White House official website.

Gosh, why would Obama soft-pedal his association with the Boy Scouts? Well, I think I'll let you answer this one yourself, Chuck.

To be frank, I think Obama's delay in signing Eagle Scout certificates has more to do with White House political correctness and establishing an arm's-length relationship with the BSA than it has to do with any simple "administrative delay," especially when a series of lawsuits have been levied against the BSA because of its stand against atheists, agnostics and homosexuals.

Oh, right. Maybe he wasn't real super-proud to be the honorary president of an organization with an official policy of homophobia and religious intolerance.

http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/dailyweekly/assets_c/2009/11/Boy%20Scout%20Helping%20Cub%20Scout%20Tie%20Knot-thumb-200x267.jpgNo Gays Allowed!
On the other hand, on that single day of March 3, 2009, the White House considered all the rest of the following events as newsworthy enough to post on its official website: . . . "Remarks of the president to commemorate the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior."
Yet, not a peep mentioned about the president's acceptance of BSA's honorary presidency. Could it be the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior ranked of higher importance than Obama's acceptance of the BSA's position in its 100th year of celebration?

How could a major Department of the Federal Government be more important than a bunch of boys in neckercheifs going camping?

For years, I've signed and sent out hundreds of Eagle Scout recognition letters. And I've personally known a host of Boy Scouts, Eagle Scouts and other Boy Scout leadership.

Okay, that's creepy. What the hell are you doing hanging out with Boy Scouts? And if you're signing these letters, I could see where the President wouldn't want to put himself on the level of a washed-up B-movie actor who's taken a bunch of blows to the head.


A Joke told to me by my friends' 5-year-old daughter

Adorable 5-year-old: Why did the chicken throw butter out of the window?

Me: Um, I don't know?

Adorable 5-year-old: Because he wanted to catch a painting!

Me: Fuck, dude! You just blew my mind!

Adorable 5-year-old: It's really more of a Zen Koan than a traditional riddle.

Me: No, yeah, I get it. I totally get it. It's like surrealist humor.

Adorable 5-year-old: Yeah, I'm glad you caught that. It was kind of a hat tip to Andre' Breton.

Me: I saw it as more of an audio tribute to Marcel Duchamp.

Adorable 5-year-old: I don't know who that is. I'm only five!

Okay, some of that was embellished, but that really was the riddle she told me. And it did have a sort of quasi-Zen feel to it.