Thursday, May 28, 2009


last Saturday, while waiting in line at the Plaza Theater, I was handed a free CD from a band called Fishhawk. Turns out, they're pretty darn good.

Check 'em out at

If you live in the Atlanta area, you can catch them at the Star Bar on Sat. June 6th, and at Lenny's on June 26th, July 31, and Aug 28th.

here's a sample:

The Attacks on JusticeSotomayor

It's all so predictable. You knew that whoever President Obama nominated for the Supreme Court, you were going to get (insert name) is a liberal activist judge. (insert name) believes in legislating from the bench. (insert name) is outside of the mainstream, blah, blah, blah. . . . . . .

But some of the attacks are so nutty, they caught me by surprise. It's like Lily Tomlin said: "No matter how cynical you get, you can never keep up."

Here's Limbaugh: "So here you have a racist. You might -- you might want to soften that, and you might want to say a reverse racist. ... Obama is the greatest living example of a reverse racist, and now he's appointed one."
On what does he base this accusation? Who the fuck knows? It's Rushworld. You don't need to back up your charges in Rushworld! In Rushworld, the very fact that Rush has said it makes it true.

Here's Pat Buchannan:
The question is, does she believe in reverse discrimination against white males. It appears she does. And: "She is not that intelligent"

Yeah, she only finished Second in her class at Princeton.

Karl Rove:
"I know lots of stupid people who went to ivy league schools."

Yeah, but Sotomayor's grandfather wasn't on the board of trustees at Princeton.

And Tom Tancredo: She’s a member! She’s a member of La Raza! If you belong to an organization called La Raza, which is, from my point of view anyway, nothing more than a Latino KKK without the hoods or the nooses.

Oh, but it gets crazier!

Here's someone named Mark Krikorian:
Deferring to people’s own pronunciation of their names should obviously be our first inclination, but there ought to be limits. Putting the emphasis on the final syllable of Sotomayor is unnatural in English. insisting on an unnatural pronunciation is something we shouldn’t be giving in to.
Ok, let me see if I got this. Judge Sotomayor's name is hard to pronounce (it isn't) so she should change the pronunciation to something more "natural"? You know what else is hard to pronounce? Krikorian! Maybe we should pronounce it more naturally, like
nin·com·poop (nĭn'kəm-pōōp')

(click for sound)

Here's Wendy long of the "Judicial Confirmation Network": On September 11, America saw firsthand the vital role of America's firefighters in protecting our citizens. They put their lives on the line for her and the other citizens of New York and the nation. But Judge Sotomayor would sacrifice their claims to fair treatment in employment promotions to racial preferences and quotas.

Wow! going to the 9/11 well already, eh? That totally doesn't look at all desperate!

here's Jeffery Rosen of the New Republic: Over the past few weeks, I've been talking to a range of people who have worked with her, nearly all of them former law clerks for other judges. . . Most are Democrats but nearly none of them raved about her.

What does that even mean? Nearly none? Is that even a real thing? And doesn't that mean that some did rave about her? And does it matter either way, since these possibly fictitious people were clerks for different judges?

Why can't we just let this one go? She's obviously qualified. Can't we all for once just say, good choice, Mr. President, and confirm her? Why is it so important to be seen as obstructionists that you would gin up these phony objections to a perfectly fine candidate? Who is going to benefit from this? Do you really think that if you somehow succeed in blocking her appointment that Barack Obama will then turn around and nominate a Scalia clone? Sonia Sotomayor is about as moderate an apointee as you're going to see. Just shut the fuck up and let's have the confirmation hearings.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Special Thank You to Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein

Today, I received my first link. (that I know of)
The Daily Irritant can now be accessed by readers of the far superior Monkey Muck.
Go there Now, Dammit!

Thank you, Dr. Monkey for making me legit!

A Religious Fanatic in the White House

Theologian Richard Neibuhr once said:

"religion is a good thing for good people and a bad thing for bad people."

I can think of no greater illustration of the second half of that adage than George W. Bush
(seen here dreaming of the rapture)

First, there was the report that he had told Palestinian leaders: "I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, 'George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan.' And I did, and then God would tell me, 'George go and end the tyranny in Iraq,' and I did."

Then we heard about the memos from Rumsfeld which were festooned with Biblical passages such as: “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
And: "Whom Shall I send, and who will go for us?" next to pictures if US soldiers.

(see the memo covers slideshow at

Now, former French Premiere Jacques Chirac's memoir reveals what Bush told him about the impending invasion of Iraq: "This confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase his people’s enemies before a New Age begins.”

He apparently also told Chirac that the Biblical creatures Gog and Magog were hard at work in the Middle East and had to be defeated. (link)

Now, in all my years of Sunday School, I do not ever remeber hearing about anyone named Gog or Magog, so I did a little research. Apparently, Magog is mentioned first:
Genesis, 10:2-4: The sons of Japeth: Gomer, and Magog, and Madai.

Then in Ezekiel, Gog appears, and he is the ruler of a country named Magog:

Ezekiel 38:1-4 The word of the LORD came to me:

Son of man, set your face toward Gog, of the land of Magog . . . and prophesy against him

So one would think that, if these two characters lived in Old Testament times, they could hardly be considered a threat in 2003, but that just shows what you know! because they pop up again in Revelations, the last and craziest book of the New Testament:

Rev 20:6-10 And when the thousand years are ended, Satan will be loosed from his prison,and will come out to deceive the nations which are at the four corners of the earth, that is, Gog and Magog, to gather them for battle

And that's about it.So even if you are the sort of true believer that takes every word of the Bible literally, there's really no way to tell who or what these names refer to. So how did they become a part of "end-times" lore? Here's what I was able to find on the Google:

Before about 500 AD, references to Gog and Magog occur many times, in the preserved sermons and letters of St Jerome and other early Christians; whenever Christendom was threatened by invaders, the names of Gog and Magog seem to have been bandied about. There is evidence of a lively debate on just whom was meant by Gog and Magog: when the Scythians threatened, it was the Scythians; when the Huns threatened, it was the Huns; and when the Alans threatened, someone would call the Alans 'Gog and Magog'; so too with the Khazars, the Turks, the Magyars, the Parthians, the Mongols. Marco Polo in the thirteenth century thought that Gog and Magog must be represented by the Mongol horde which had just conquered most of the East . . . And so on,

So how, exactly George W. Bush came to believe that Gog and Magog were alive and well and in need of stopping, I can't fathom. I guess you would need to journey into the world of Pentecostal theology, and I'm just not willing to risk it.

So we invaded Iraq, got (as of last count) over 4,300 of our finest young people killed, over 30,000 wounded, and God knows how many Iraqis killed and maimed because George thought that God had called on him to fulfill some vague prophecy that seems to exist only in the minds of the snake-handlers and tongue-speakers who think that God speaks to them directly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you talk to God, that's prayer. If God talks to you, that's schizophrenia.

R.I.P. Jay Bennett

Former Wilco member Jay Bennett died this Saturday of as yet undetermined causes.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Smokey Joe Barton

Representative Joe Barton (R-TX), seen here discovering new depths of ignorance, recently stepped up to the mic in defense of Carbon Dioxide.

“I would also point out that CO2, carbon dioxide, is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term. … I am creating it as I talk to you.
He then added, Oh, did I say CO? I meant BS!

It’s in your Coca-Cola, you’re Dr. Pepper, your Perrier water. It is necessary for human life.

Not to quibble, but does that mean that high fructose corn syrup, caramel coloring, and phosphoric acid are also necessary?

It is odorless, colorless, tasteless,

So is carbon Monoxide, which kills a lot of people, so those may not be the most relevant characteristics.

does not cause cancer, does not cause asthma. .

Yeah, neither do bullets, but I'm pretty sure they're still considered dangerous.

There is nobody who has ever been admitted to the hospital for CO2 poisoning, so it is not a pollutant. “

Are you purposely missing the point? It's not that CO2 is, in and of itself, harmful. the point is that it, along with other "greenhouse" gasses, accumulate in the atmosphere and cause heat to be trapped that would otherwise disperse. Or something like that. I don't really understand how it all works, and by the way, neither do you. But here's the difference. Just because I don't understand all the science doesn't mean that I dismiss it out of hand. See, if my doctor tells me that swallowing mercury is a really bad idea, I don't have to understand how neurotoxins function, I don't need to understand how the chemical properties of mercury interact with the cellular structure of the nervous system. It's enough that I know that she understands this stuff. Just like I don't need to understand the physics of climatology to know that the people who do understand it know that too much CO2 in the atmosphere is harmful. I don't tell my doctor "hey, there's mercury in that thermometer you stuck in my mouth, so obviously mercury is medically helpful." Ok, I understand just enough to get that there is a big difference between mercury in a thermometer under my tongue, and mercury in my bloodstream. Just like I get that there is a big difference between CO2 in the atmosphere and CO2 in a can of Coke.

You're right, Santa. A nice cold Coca-Cola sure would hit the spot right now!

Ugh, I feel dirty. But when that sweet, sweet Coca-Cola money starts flowing this way, I think I'm gonna feel a whole lot better!

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Worst Songs I've Heard This Week

Cha-Cha Slide by DJ Casper

Because it's not so much a song as a set of instructions with a beatbox.

You Were Meant for Me by Jewel

Because I don't need to hear about every mundane detail of your day.
"I got my eggs and my pancakes too"
"I break the yolks and make a smiley face."
"I brush my teeth and put the cap back on."
"put on my pj's and hop into bed."
Good God! If you knew someone like this, would you voluntarily spend a second with her?

Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen
I generally like Bruce. I think he's written a lot of very good songs, OK? This just isn't one of them.
because A) he makes no effort to make the lyrics fit into the meter of the song, and
B) he says his baseball player friend "Could throw that speedball by you" Where I come from, a speedball is what killed John Belushi. The pitch is called a fastball. Who doesn't know that?

Lullaby by Shawn Mullins

Because he recites the words instead of singing through most of the song.

Invisible Touch by Phil Collins

Because its sung by Phil Collins. Also because it was written by Phil Collins.

Always the Last to Know by Del Amitri

Because, as if this song didn't suck enough balls, they put in this lyric:
". . .If you're happy now
or if he's cheating on you, like I cheated on you
oh, oh, oh"
(I swear, the lyric is oh, oh, oh, check if you don't believe me)

then the singer goes into poignant, sensitive mode and sings
"you were the last to know, you were the last to know"
Dude! Don't use your sentimental, heartfelt voice when you're talking about being a total dick!

I'm sure there were more. Our Muzak system at work is programmed by sadists, but that's all I can think of right now.

Stupid Quotes of the Week

Something weird was going on this week, there were even more stupid quotes this week than usual. here are a few highlights.

Micheal Steele:

Steele said, “The problem that we have with this president is that we don’t know [Obama]. He was not vetted, folks. … He was not vetted, because the press fell in love with the black man.

Riiiight, the press loves the black guy. That must be why you are so popular and respected and not at all the object of constant ridicule.

John Boehner:
"It's hard for me to imagine,'' Boehner said, ''that anyone in the intelligence areas would mislead us... I don't feel.. that I have been misled.''

Perish the thought! The CIA stooping to deception? Why the very idea!

Lindsey Graham:

Senator Lindsey Graham basically defended the Spanish Inquisition, saying:
“One of the reasons these techniques have been used for about 500 years is that they work”.

If by "work" you mean "get people to confess to witchcraft," then Yeah, good point, Senator!

Joe Barton:
“I would also point out that CO2, carbon dioxide, is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term.

“And something that the Democrat sponsors do not point out, a lot of the CO2 that is created in the United States is naturally created. You can’t regulate God.

Right, anything that's naturally occurring can't be harmful. Oh, you know what else is a naturally occurring substance? Arsenic! Just saying.

(Barton's CO2 diatribe deserves its own post. if I get the time, I may give it one.)

But this is probably the stupidest story of the year so far:

Republicans on Wednesday abandoned an effort to label their opponents the “Democrat Socialist Party,” ending a fight within the GOP ranks that reflected the divide between those who want a more centrist message and those seeking a more aggressive, conservative voice.

Supporters of the resolution asking the Democratic Party to change its name instead agreed to accept language urging Democrats to “stop pushing our country towards socialism and government control.”

Wow! You just got thumped in the last two elections, you've got the ghost of Cheney popping up on TV every couple of days, Your chairman is Micheal Steele, and this is what you're spending your time on? This is the resolution you're debating? Don't you want to be relevant again at some point? Unbelievable!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Harry Reid

With friends like Harry, who needs enemies?

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid declared in press conference today that he will not support GITMO detainees being held in the United States. Reid said that he supports Obama’s plan to close GITMO, but will not support, “terrorists to be released in the United States.”

Jeez, Harry! Come on! No one is talking about releasing terrorists anywhere, let alone releasing them into the U.S. You gotta stop watching FOX! Do you really think that President Obama would just let terrorists loose to wander the streets of America? How do you explain this position of yours?

Reid was asked why the Senate wouldn’t fund the closure of GITMO
He said,“I agree with President Bush.

Oh Good God Almighty! It's worse than I thought! You agree with Bush? The man who was wrong about, um, everything?

“I agree with President Bush. I agree with John McCain. I agree with Barack Obama.

Yeah, that doesn't really work. That's like saying "I'm a devout Baptist. And also a Hindu. And a Mormon." Oh, right. You are a Mormon, aren't you? What does that church do to its followers' minds?

Reid noted, however, that “many Americans have concerns about terrorists coming into our community.”

Yeah, unless your community is a Supermax prison, that's not really going to be an issue.

Oh, check out this exchange:
REID: I’m saying that the United States Senate, Democrats and Republicans, do not want terrorists to be released in the United States.

QUESTION: No one’s talking about releasing them. We’re talking about putting them in prison somewhere in the United States.

REID: Can’t put them in prison unless you release them.

What? Do you have any idea how prison transfers work? It's not like when your company transfers you to a different branch. They don't just tell you when to show up and who to ask for.

This is how they transport a garden variety criminal.

Not even a high-priority offender. So, yeah, I think that the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security could handle transferring prisoners into US prisons.

U.S. Prisons can handle guys like this

You think they can't handle these guys?

Hey Reid, guess what?


It's Atlanta's own THE COATHANGERS playing live at Georgia State!

Health Care

While trying to make the case for keeping Guantanamo Bay open as a detention center, Republican Sen. John Ensign said of the detainees, “They get better health care than the average American citizen does.”

The sad thing is, he may be right.

Imagine if we ran other vital services the way we ran healthcare. I think it might go a little something like this. . . .(picture gets wavy). . . (dream sequence harp music). . . .

OPERATOR: 911, What's your emergency?

CALLER: Someone's breaking into my house!

OPERATOR: May I have your account number please?

CALLER: Look, I need the police!

OPERATOR: And I'll be happy to assist you today, sir, but I am going to need your account number.

CALLER: Oh, God! It's um, 54A-65293

OPERATOR: Great now how can I help you?

CALLER: I need the police! Someone's breaking into my house!

OPERATOR: Ok, I'll be happy to send an officer out to you. How do you want to take care of the co-pay today?

CALLER: Can't you just bill me?

OPERATOR: Sure, we can do that. Let me just verify your address.

CALLER: 1705 Maple Drive.

OPERATOR: Okay, got it. Now is the intruder armed?

CALLER: I don't know!

OPERATOR: Okay, I'm going to need you to find out, because if an armed response is required, I'll have to check your policy and see if we can cover that today. Normally, for an armed response, there is a 20% deductible.

CALLER: Hurry, he's in my house! And he has a gun!

OPERATOR: Great, so that clears up that question. Now since he is carrying a firearm, that's going to require a 2-officer response. Let me see who we have in the area. Officer Jenkins, no he's not taking any new referrals. Seargeant Thomas, not without a referral from a primary patrolman. See, the problem is that there just aren't a lot of officers we can use with your basic policy.

CALLER: Never mind, I've already been sodomized and murdered.


Let's have a nice round of applause for the not-ready-for-single-payer players!

Manufactured Outrage

In an apparent attempt to prove that the left can gin up a fake controversy as well as the right, Keith Olberman, the Huffington Post, and others are just OUTRAGED! by this comment from Gov. Rick Perry's spokesman:

Carney said he agreed the Republican Party needed to attract new voters. But, he added, "that doesn't mean you take your principles and throw them out the door and become a whorehouse and let anybody in who wants to come in, regardless."

And since perry's opponent in the primary is the undeniably female Kay Bailey Hutchison, some people are acting as if they really believe that the "whorehouse" reference is a misogynistic shot at Ms. Hutchison.

Hey, Keith. Remember how we all rolled our eyes when Republicans tried to paint Obama's "lipstick on a pig" reference as a sexist jab at Sarah Palin? Remember?
Remember how stupid and desperate and disingenuous they looked? Well, now you're kind of doing the same thing. So quit it!
Now let's speak of this no more.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Police look for mom, son who fled to avoid Chemo.

FILE -- In a May 7, 2009 file photo Colleen Hauser, right, comforts her AP – FILE -- In a May 7, 2009 file photo Colleen Hauser, right, comforts her 13-year-old son Daniel during …

SLEEPY EYE, Minn. – A courtroom clash between medicine and faith took a criminal turn, with police around the country on the lookout Wednesday for a Minnesota mother who fled with her cancer-stricken 13-year-old son rather than consent to chemotherapy.

A court-ordered X-ray on Monday showed a tumor growing in Daniel Hauser's chest, and doctors said it will probably kill him without conventional medical treatment.

Before she took off, Colleen Hauser told a judge that she wished to treat her son's cancer with natural healing methods advocated by an American Indian religious group known as the Nemenhah Band. But even that group's founder said Hauser made a mistake by running from the law.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ben Shapiro

Today, I stumbled on to the writings of someone named Ben Shapiro. Oh, internet, is there no end to your delights?

Here's an example of the special blend of stupid and paranoid that Mr. Shapiro is rocking:

Ben Shapiro
If You Disagree With Obama, Are You Anti-American?

Than Lenin.

and you sound like this:

Jesse Ventura Kicks Some FOX Ass!

It's amazing to me that no matter how asinine and brutish they seem on stage, oops, I mean in the totally real ring of mortal combat that is totally not fake, pro wrestlers all seem to be pretty cool and pretty smart in real life.
Jesse Ventura destroys FOX & Friends like it was Andy Kaufman in a cage match. You know these doofuses are overmatched from the start when blondie introduces him as "the governator!" Hey genius, that's Schwarzenegger you're thinking of. Different state, different party, totally different person. Great job!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Asshole of the Year

My first Nominee for asshole of the year goes to Georgia's own Neal Boortz.

(seen here being crowned King Dickwad)

Neal has always been an asshole as well as being one of the primary forces behind the "fair tax" movement. Boortz is sort of infamous, at least here in Atlanta, for saying assholish things like "Muslims . . .are sort of like cockroaches," "Cynthia McKinney. . .looks like a ghetto slut," and : "Give 'em all a little nuclear waste and let 'em take it on down there to Mexico. Tell 'em it can -- it'll heat tortillas."

But now, Neal has stooped to picking on a 16-year-old girl. Really.

It all started when a yearbook photo showed a Florida girl who was apparently not wearing underwear. She said she had not worn underwear because she was embarrassed by the visible panty lines showing through her skirt. Well, of course this young lady was devestated when the yearbooks were passed out, and she became aware of the x-rated nature of the picture.
Now one would think that the proper way to handle this "story" would be to ignore it, since A) it's not a news story and B) discussing it any further would only add to the young lady's humiliation. But not our Neal! Neal had this to say about the incident:

“This 16 year old girl at Sickles High School in Tampa, Florida. First of all, she’s a little hefty.

Ok, let me stop you right there. How do you know that she's "a little hefty"? I think the only way you could no that is if you did a Google search for "pictures of 16-year-old girl with no underpants." That's what you did, isn't it? Normally, if a grown man hears about an underaged girl being photographed 'sans coulotte' he avoids the pictures, you know, lest he be thought to be a degenerate. But do go on.

First of all, she’s a little hefty. She’ s still young enough that she hasn’t blimped up to the point that she is deserving of being an object of ridicule, but she is a little hefty,

Wow! Are you really saying that there is a weight at which one deserves to be ridiculed? Is that really what you are saying? Because if that is the case, I think maybe there is a level of baldness, ugly-as-fuck-ness, and of being half a retard which would be deserving, and believe me, you've crossed all three of those threshholds.

See what I mean?

So maybe we could lay off of the weight-based insults?

"she is a little hefty, and her mom is a blimp, but this does play in here. “

Goddamn are you a dick!

Listen to the audio :

He seems to be upset that "you can't see anything!"

He brags about getting a look at the picture "before they started blurring it out"

And he says he "has no sympathy" for this girl because " “If she wasn’t overweight the visible panty line wouldn’t be a problem.”

Hey Neal Boortz, Guess What!

You're the Front-runner for Asshole of the year!

Oh, and by the way, I saw the news footage of the girl and her mother and she is certainly Not fat! Not that it matters, but she isn't.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Worse Than Home-Schoolers

The Hauser family of Minnesota wants to let their son refuse chemotherapy. Their 13 year old son.

With chemotherapy, Daniel Hauser has a 90 percent chance of surviving his Hodgkin's lymphoma, according to his cancer doctor. And without it?

"It is almost certain that he will die," said Dr. Bruce Bostrom, a pediatric oncologist at Children's Hospital and Clinics of Minnesota.

So what's their reasoning?

Colleen and Anthony Hauser are supporting what they say is their son's decision to instead treat the disease with nutritional supplements and other alternative treatments favored by the Nemenhah Band. The Missouri-based religious group believes in natural healing methods advocated by some American Indians.

So this is their religious beliefs? Not exactly.

The Hausers, who are Roman Catholic, have eight children. Colleen Hauser told the New Ulm Journal newspaper that the family's Catholicism and adherence to the Nemenhah Band are not in conflict, and said she has treated illness with natural remedies her entire life.

So why exactly are they so eager to endanger their son's life?

"My son is not in any medical danger at this point," Colleen Hauser testified.

She then went on to say, "You know, unless you count the Hodgkin's Lymphoma."

Colleen Hauser testified her son became sick and depressed after the first treatment, and said the family only would consent to traditional treatments in the case of a life-threatening illness.
So what are you waiting for? Ebola?

All right, so let's hear about this group, the Nemanahs. This is some sort of Native American group, with centuries of accumulated wisdom and knowledge of natural healing techniques, right?

Nemenhah was founded in the 1990s by Philip Cloudpiler Landis, who said Thursday that he was one-fourth American Indian.

Ouch! This doesn't feel like a scam to you?

Nemenhah adherents are asked to pay $250 to be members.
Oh, come on!

Who is this Landis fellow?

Landis said he founded the faith after facing his diagnosis of a cancer similar to Daniel Hauser. He said he treated it with diet choices, visits to a sweat lodge and other natural remedies.

Wait for it. . . . .

Landis also once served four months in prison in Idaho for fraud related to advocating natural remedies.

OH! there it is! Shoulda seen that coming!

"The issue is Danny's right to decide how he wants to live his life," Landis said. "What if they make him take chemotherapy and he dies from that?

Good point, except NO ONE DIES FROM CHEMO!

If only this group could get a little crazier. . . . .

Colleen Hauser testified that Daniel was a medicine man and elder in the Nemenhah Band.

Seriously, Colleen, a pseudo-religious group that makes a dying 13-year old boy a medicine man and an elder, that might not be the folks you want to be getting a lot of guidance from. I'm just saying. You know what the word "elder" means, don't you? Because apparently, they don't.

The mother said her son made the decision himself to refuse chemotherapy: "I think he understands he has the right to choose healthier forms of dealing with this cancer."

Right, like dying!

This is Minnesota, right? At least now I understand who's voting for Michelle Bachmann.


Judge rules family can't refuse chemo for boy

MINNEAPOLIS – A Minnesota judge ruled Friday that a 13-year-old cancer patient must be evaluated by a doctor to determine if the boy would benefit from restarting chemotherapy over his parents' objections.

In a 58-page ruling, Brown County District Judge John Rodenberg found that Daniel Hauser has been "medically neglected" by his parents, Colleen and Anthony Hauser, and was in need of child protection services.

Finally, some one with some sense has stepped in!

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Is there anyone who home-schools their kids who isn't a paranoid survivalist, a religious fanatic, a white supremacist, or some combination of the above? Who else would want to keep their kids from seeing or interacting with the outside world? Want to see an example of their paranoid, hate-and-fear-based reasoning? Look no further than this article by the ironically named Charlie Butts and Jody Brown:

Calif. school day would honor homosexual pioneer
The California State Senate is poised to vote on a bill making an official "homosexual day" in every public school
Ok, so right away, you know that's not true. There is not going to be "homosexual day" in any school. So to what does this refer?

It would be called "Harvey Milk Day" in honor of the openly homosexual San Francisco Board of Supervisors member who was shot and killed in 1978

Ok, so see, you were lying. Sentence One of your article was a lie. And if I've learned anything from Judge Judy, and I have, it's that if you start out by lying to me, I'm not going to be inclined to believe anything else you say.

Randy Thomasson of says the legislation designates just another day to indoctrinate children in the tenets of homosexuality.

Right, just like when they started observing Martin Luther King day, and everyone turned black!

Oh, any gay readers, could you maybe fill me in on what your "tenets" are? Cause I seem to be missing them. To me, you just seem like everybody else, but in better shape.

"That's why we've called California parents to get their kids out of the government schools and into the sanctuary of homeschooling or a good church-schooling instead," he shares.

Ah, there it is! Yes, let's home-school the kids. Sure, they'll come out thinking that the world is seven thousand years old, and the sun revolves around the world, but by God, our sons are going to like titties, and our daughters are not!
But wait, you say, home-schooled children are actually very well educated? What prestigious group of academics is making this assessment?

Home schoolers get 'A' from marketing exec

Marketing exec? What marketing exec?

Josephine Nicholas is the CEO of Published Daily, a firm started by her brother and run with the help of two other siblings. All four were home-schooled.

Oh, isn't that just adorable? Josie and her siblings are running their own little business that no one's ever heard of and is probably headquartered in their parents' garage! How sweet! Well, surely she's qualified to make judgements about education!

The lovely, and not at all insane-looking Josephine Nicholas

Josephine says, according to research, home schoolers typically score higher and are more ambitious than their peers.

Um, Josephine, if you're going to cite "research," it's customary to include a footnote, or endnote, or something which refers to said research, like who conducted the study, their methods, etc. No, no, it's OK! I understand. See, that's the sort of thing they teach you in real school. You had no way of knowing.

"Once they're graduating -- and many of them are actually graduating younger than their peers -- and as they graduate they're moving into society in general," she notes.

Yeah, mom getting tired of "teaching" you is not actually the same thing as "graduating." Anyone can graduate early if your fake school has no actual requirements. I could home-school Professor Junior and let him "graduate" once he learns to spell his name. But that wouldn't really count for anything.

as they graduate they're moving into society in general," she notes. "Whether it's going and getting a job and really being productive in the work force, or actually many of them are creating their own jobs and creating jobs for others by starting their own businesses."

Wow, moving into society in general! What an accomplishment! And getting jobs, and being productive in those jobs! My God! That level of acheivement is hardly ever seen from grads of actual school! Although, in their defense, graduates of real school would probably know how worhtless this type of anecdotal evidence is. So that's something.

Randall M. Kessler

I know, I'd never heard of him either. But a couple days ago, the Atlanta Journal Constitution, in a bid to speed up their plunge from respectability, gave Mr. Kessler a slot as guest columnist. This is the headline for the treatise up with which he came:

Other states’ gay divorce can affect us

OOOOHHHH, I'm scared already!
How would we be affected?

What happens if a gay couple marries, adopts a child and then divorces, all in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage, but then they move to Georgia? If the custodial parent seeks to enforce a child support award against the other parent, what does the court do?

If it enforces it, then hasn’t the court, and thus the state, recognized same-sex marriage, by enforcing the terms of the same-sex divorce? If it does not enforce the order, aren’t we then harming the most innocent victims, the children who need the support?

You're right, family law attorney Randall M. Kessler, it makes way more sense to deny a large segment of the population their basic equal rights than for, say, Georgia to join Vermont, Massachusetts, and IOWA in the 21st Century. Let's continue a program of discrimination, lest things get too confusing! (oh, and nice touch with the "think of the children" theme!)

What else you got?

If one party was awarded a house that happens to be in Georgia would that divorce order be enforced in Georgia? If so, wouldn’t Georgia then be recognizing, at least by implication, same-sex marriage?

If not, aren’t we sending a message to Vermont or whichever state granted the divorce that we would not enforce their orders? And could this mean that Vermont might retaliate and not enforce orders of our state?

Oh, my God! Vermont might retaliate! Are you fucking serious? Is this something you really imagine happening? A moron judge from Georgia decides not to uphold Constitutional law for fear that it might, like, give aid and comfort to the gay people, so Vermont declares shenanigans?

Doe it concern you at all that the only images I can find to illustrate your ideas come from animated cartoons?

Are you sure you should be practicing law?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Miss California, Again

Good God, am I sick of this woman!

I saw her making her little speech about her grandfather at the Battle of the Bulge, and how he fought for her right to say stupid stuff at a bimbo contest, and she gets all choked up, and I thought I was gonna puke!

Then she says, and I'm going to paraphrase here, because i don't want to have to watch it again to get the exact quotation, but she says something like, I exercised my freedom of speech and I was punished for it!" And I'm thinking, how were you punished? You weren't stripped of your crown, even when it came to light that you had violated pageant rules, nothing bad happened to you, what do you mean punished?
Then I realized, Oh, she thinks that her anti-gay-marriage speech is what cost her the Miss USA title. She thinks that the title is rightly hers, but it was taken away due to her political beliefs. She thinks that the contest is not just based on who's the prettiest and who boinked the most judges. She really believes that she is the victim of a witch hunt by the miss USA audience, whom she says is "95% gay, or whatever."

Let's get everything we have to discuss about Miss CA out of the way here, so we never have to mention her again. First of all, how many of these pictures are going to keep popping up?

She's blaming the new ones on the wind, which apparently blew her shirt off, and blaming the photographer for taking the pictures. . . for which she was. . . posing, or something. . .

Look at the photo on the right. How is she going to say that the photographer shot that "in between poses" (which she is claiming) That's not a pose? For God's sake, at least be honest! Maybe the one on the left, where she looks to be fixing her hair, maybe you could claim that that one was taken without your knowledge, but the one on the right? Oh, Puh-leez! That's a pose if ever I've seen one.

Prejean said the latest round of photos showing her bare chest were outtakes from a photo shoot taken two years ago for a California surfing magazine.

“I actually was standing on a cliff and it very, very windy, and it was the photographer and I, and he had to have gotten some sort of shot of me where I was exposed,” she said. “However they should not have been published.”

Yeah, how could the photographer have gotten a shot of you where you were exposed, standing there all shirtless and all. Boy, that's a mystery! Oh, and those photos were for a magazine, so, yeah, they should never have been published!

The she said this:

"Honestly, I felt as though Satan was -- and I don't want to say that this person represented Satan, but -- I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking me this question. And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, 'Carrie, do not compromise this. You need to stand up for me.

Riiiiight, God Almighty needs bikini girl to stand up for Him. The Lord of Heaven and Earth needs help from an aspiring lingerie model. Ok, then! No delusions of grandeur there!

One last thing.

Why is this:

Considered shocking and distasteful,

But This is perfectly acceptable?

Monday, May 11, 2009


I believe we've touched on this theme before (here) so bear with me if this feels repetitive.

I know by now, it shouldn't be shocking, or even surprising to read something like this column by some pea-brain named Micheal Barone:

Michael Barone :: Columnist
On Guns and Climate, the Elites Are Out of Touch
by Michael Barone

but I'm still stunned by the level of willful ignorance and the lack of simple logic that goes into a statement like this:

Similarly, last month, pollster Scott Rasmussen found that only 34 percent believes that global warming is caused by human activity, while 48 percent said it is caused by long-term planetary trends. That's almost exactly the opposite of what he found 12 months before -- 47 to 34 percent the other way around. However, 48 percent of the group Rasmussen calls the "Political Class" -- in other words, the elite -- continues to believe global warming is man-made.

I'm seriously flabbergasted that someone would actually posit that public opinion polling is in some way relevant to science.
I imagine that if Mr. Barone's car breaks down, he stops 100 people at random and asks them what they think is wrong with it. Then if his mechanic's diagnosis is different, well, the mechanic must be wrong!

In Mr. Barone's world, this counts as scientific research!

What else ya got, Barone?

As for global warming, many Americans may have noticed that temperatures actually haven't been rising over the past decade, as global warming alarmists predicted. The elites are able to hire armed security guards and jet off on private jets, so they are less likely to notice these things.

Seriously, I can't believe I actually have to tell you this, but casual observation is NOT on a par with scientific research.

Here's another point. Let's say global warming has topped off. Let's say that it's not going to get any warmer. Even if that were true, it's already too hot! The polar ice caps are melting, sea levels are rising, if the temperature doesn't go any higher, that just means that these phenomena will not speed up. It doesn't mean that the will stop or reverse themselves.

If you place an ice cube out on the kitchen counter, it will start to melt. Assuming your kitchen is kept at a normal temperature, it will melt pretty slowly. If the temperature is raised, the melting will speed up, but even if the temperature never increases, the ice will continue to melt. No matter how many people you survey who might believe otherwise, the facts don't change.

There's something very wrong with our society if people believe that scientific facts are subject to opinion polling. Sure, everyone has an opinion, and on some subjects, like say, the best flavor of ice cream, or the best hitter in baseball, one opinion's as good as the next. No, scratch that! When it comes to the best hitter in baseball, yes, that's a matter of opinion, and there can never be any one definitively right answer, but the opinion of, say, Willie Mays, or Hank Aaron, or Joe Torre should carry a lot more weight than that of the average baseball fan, and a hell of a lot more than the opinion of someone who doesn't follow baseball. Would anyone disagree with that? Would anyone argue "I know as much about hitting as Willie Mays!" No! No one with any sense would make that claim.

So why should the average person's opinion carry that kind of weight when it comes to science? I'll bet the average Joe on the street knows a hell of a lot more about baseball than he does about climatology, but he would never claim to know as much as Mays, or Aaron, or Torre, etc. But on the much more arcane subject of global climate trends, oh sure! My high-school science class that I slept through and copied off of the smart girl to pass gives me the same level of expertise as a PhD who has spent his adult life studying the subject. Where does this level of bone-headed arrogance come from? It's stunning! But I guess by now I shouldn't be surprised.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

The Procession of "Healing"

I must be a glutton for punishment. I keep opening e-mails from the "One News Now" organization. The latest features a story about a group who puts on something called "The Procession of Healing." I'll let them explain what this is all about:

"People who have abortions or were involved in an abortion [are] very traumatized by it and [feel it's] something they can't be forgiven for," says Jones. "So we decided to do...what we call the 'Procession of Healing,' which is a funeral procession through our downtown area. Last year we had about 300 cars going through the downtown area with black flags."

Wow! So women who have had abortions are traumatized. I have no idea whether that is true, but it's probably safe to assume that some women do have feelings of regret, or of loss, or whatever. I assume this would be a tumultuous time for someone who has had to make this extremely difficult decision. But hey, in case there are any women in town who have terminated a pregnancy but don't feel sufficiently emotionally scarred, let's parade up and down the fucking street in hearses with black flags you know, to be sure that they know that here in Knoxville, TN a lot of us are looking at them as murderers. that should help!

Event founder Aaron Jones, worship arts pastor at Trinity Chapel in Knoxville, Tennessee, explains the event further. According to Jones, in excess of 3,000 abortions take place every year in his area, and the funeral procession gives people a chance to mourn the loss of those lives. He adds that the procession also offers a time of healing for women who have had abortions.

"So we just use it as an opportunity to mourn but also to an opportunity for begin closure and to begin a healing process -- and maybe for some it is closure for them," Jones suggests. "And so that's what this is all about."

You know, Aaron, maybe a lot of these women didn't really need a healing process until your morbid little procession. Do you honestly think you're helping? Can't you at least be honest? I would think a statement along the lines of "we're gonna show those baby-killin' bitches. They'll think twice before exercising choice in family planning after the shaming we're gonna throw at them!" would be a little closer to capturing the spirit of the event.

At least this kind of crap is confined to Tennessee.

The Procession of Healing will be taking place in five other cities: Minneapolis, Minnesota; Miami, Florida; Johnson City, Tennessee; Franklin, North Carolina; and Madisonville, Tennessee.

Oh, God Damn it!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Mustard Thing

This is just pathetic! Are Hannity and co. completely out of straws at which to grasp? How desperate would you have to be to criticize the man's choice of condiments?

And what kind of inbred troglodyte thinks that spicy mustard is some kind of fancy-schmancy luxury item? They have spicy mustard at the fucking ballpark, you idiot! Can you really find nothing legitimate for which to criticize him? He must have made some policy error by now. Is this really what you want to latch on to? He likes mustard on his burger! And doesn't care for ketchup! My God! the man must be some sort of effete aristocrat! Who else could have acquired a taste for a condiment which cost $2.89 at Publix!

I don't know which is more absurd, the fact that Hannity , Ingraham, et al are trying to pass dijon mustard off as some sort of decadent hedonistic indulgence, or the fact that they seem to think it matters. Look, you morons, it wouldn't make a goddamm bit of difference if he had ordered the white truffle burger with fucking caviar relish. He's either doing a good job or he isn't. If you think he's doing a poor job, then let's hear why! Let's not pretend that his mustard preference could possibly make the slightest fucking difference!

Oh, and not that it matters, but President Obama NEVER MENTIONED GREY POUPON!

Perez Hilton


Is not funny.


Is not clever.


Is not amusing. Or cute. Or the least bit interesting.

How in the Hell is Perez Hilton famous?

Writing comments on photos with all the subtle wit of a learning-disabled 5th grader? That's what gets you celebrity status these days?

Maybe his commentary is a bit more scintillating. let's look at what was under the picture of Kirstie Alley.

We mentioned earlier that Kirstie Alley is fat…well, fatter, and she is hoping to get back onto the dieting wagon.

The Cheers alum might get a little help from pal and fellow spokeswoman of Jenny Craig, Valerie Bertinelli.

When asked about her fellow dieter and her recent bikini pics, Kirstie cited her as being "stunning" and "inspiring". She even told People:

"It’s like the student surpassed the teacher, who is now over there in the corner, fat!”

Hahaha. Fact!

But Bertinelli to the rescue! She wants very much to help Kirstie return to her former weight. She tells People:

"She should come work out with me! She should remember you can't do everything in one day [and] her exercise has to be consistent. She can do this. There's no doubt in my mind."

Somebody swoop in and get this reality show. It would be awesome!

Jeez! I had to grind up and snort No-Doz to stay awake through that. Who the hell reads this guy?

Wanna see how it's done? Check out The Superficial:

No wonder Rihanna fled the West Coast. Chris Brown's lawyer Mark Geragos filed his motion yesterday seeking internal LAPD documents about the leaked photo of a battered Rihanna. He hopes to prove misconduct by the LAPD and get Chris Brown's assault charges completely dropped. Radar Online reports:

( there follows an excerpt from Geragos' press release, then comes the joke)

For brevity's sake, let me sum up the most important part of this post: Rihanna's cleavage. Some stuff might have just happened about Chris Brown's high-priced lawyer getting another celebrity off the hook, but seriously, look at that outfit. I'm a journalist, so trust me, that's the real story here. Wolf Blitzer is stroking his beard in agreement.

Here's another entry about the Lohan sisters:

While everyone famous and important (Including Brooke Shields somehow.) was invited to the Met Gala Monday night, Lindsay Lohan was quarantined to the "Haute & Bothered" launch party which she felt was the proper venue to make out with her little sister. Why not? But, apparently, that's just the tip of the psychological iceberg of how Lindsay is ruining Ali. NY Daily News reports:

(excerpt from NY Daily News interview with some quack shrink)

I'm no psychologist, but ultimately, isn't Lindsay keeping Ali from their mom Dina? I'm trying to figure out how that's a bad thing, but all I end up doing is spraying the interns with champagne. Don't get me wrong, Ali will be snorting dump trucks full of blow and doing porn with Lindsay by 18, but that's at least a good three, maybe even five, years later than Dina's plan. You gotta accentuate the positive here.

See? It's funny. Fun-Nee! Get it? So how is Perez famous and whoever writes the Superficial is not? How is that possible? I'm going to bed now. Righteous anger really takes it out of you.