Friday, January 22, 2010

What the Hell is a "Snooki"?

As of today, January 22, 2010, I have officially given up all hope for our Nation's future.

And not just because gloating over the demise of healthcare is apparently a tenable political position.

And not just because the Supreme Court has apparently decided "democracy, schmocracy, let government go to the highest bidder."

No, it's mainly because of this:

Lehigh Valley’s Star Pre-Owned will host Reality TV star, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at their Easton, PA store on Saturday, January 23rd to raise funds for Haitian earthquake relief.

‘Snooki’ will be signing autographs
and taking pictures with fans during this time in an attempt to help the dealership raise funds for Haitian relief efforts.

Yes, allegedly, people in Pennsylvania will be lining up for the autograph of something called "Snooki."

Apparently, this so-called "Snooki" is one of the "stars" of some wretched MTV show called "Jersey Shore" (because "Animal Planet" was already taken) which features a group of drunken spray-tanned meatheads making asses of themselves in various ways.

And people want the autograph of one of these nitwits?

Jersey Shore Cast. by turizzz.

I swear, you could stop the next person you see on the street and ask for her autograph because I guarantee she'll have a more impressive list of accomplishments than "Snooki."
Honestly, if your resume' contains anything more impressive than "portray buffoonish vulgarian on third-rate basic cable show," you've got her beat.

I once pulled down 10 rebounds in a junior-varsity basketball game. Compared to Snooki, I'm a candidate for "Who's Who."

And the worst thing is, these fake celebrities aren't even the least bit interesting. When Paris Hilton became famous for being famous, the process itself was kind of fascinating. But now it's just been done to death. And it's become just sad and formulaic.

Step one: Have wealthy, over-indulgent, overly-permissive parents.

Two: have a drinking problem, but in the early stages where it still makes you seem "fun."!

Never tire of displaying your probably-fake-but-if-not-admittedly-impressive bosoms? and Check!

"Accidentally" "forget" that you're not wearing undies?


Portray self as an unfettered libertine?!

And by the way, Snooki, if that is your real name, two girls kissing might have seemed shocking or provocative a few years ago, before they started running "Girls Gone Wild" ads during "The Daily Show," but now it's just a cliche. It's just what you expect drunk, trashy girls to do when there's a camera around. No one's impressed.

So the next few steps are fairly predictable. First, the inevitable sex tape. (And you know there is one. There's no way these self-impressed, self-absorbed, self-indulgent oafs are not taping themselves doing it.) Then being stunt-cast in some straight-to-video schlock, then Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew! Then, I'm going to say Playboy? Maybe Penthouse, I don't know, I'm not psychic. Then redemption on the cover of People Magazine, maybe finding religion, a pathetic stab at a singing career in there somewhere, and a little jail time.

The point is, if we truly are a society where people like this are admired, where people will actually seek them out and ask for autographs, then our society is doomed. There's no coming back from this.

Today's Townes Van Zandt Cover

Here's Dixie Chick Natalie Maines with Pat Green covering "Snowing on Raton"

And Townes himself:

There's something about the Massachusetts delegation

In the interest of bi-partisanship, I feel compelled to point out that the Senior Senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry, also has a daughter who sometimes dresses scandalously.

It's apparently a requirement for holding public office in that state.
Unfortunately, Martha Coakley has no daughter, which seems to be the reason that she lost the Senate race.