Terrible Marketing Campaigns - Pistachios

What is the thinking behind this campaign? Are they trying to get us to stop eating their product? What other reason could there be for assembling this collection of the most loathsome creeps in America? I half suspect that these ads are actually produced by the almond people or cashew people with the intent of creating a psychological linkage between the pistachio and this rogues' gallery of lowlifes.



I mean really, Levi Johnston? The man whose very existence seems to be a ploy to make the Palin family seem sympathetic by comparison? A man who is known for only one accomplishment, which was impregnating an underage girl then deserting her? Which, to be fair, is one more accomplishment than this person:



The fact that "Snookie" has touched a pistachio with her bare hands makes me leery of touching any of them lest it be the one she has handled. Is this campaign really working?

And then of course, there is the man who knows no shame.



What the hell? Why would you want a sleazy criminal endorsing your product? How is this supposed to make your product seem appealing? Rod Blagojevich? What the hell? Was Tom DeLay unavailable? You couldn't get "Duke" Cunningham? Cheney not returning your calls? You couldn't find anyone with less dignity than Blagojevitch? Oh, you did?



God, that's just depressing. Miss teen Carolina trying to make a career out of having her IQ mocked. Gee, let's see, I've humiliated myself on TV, the entire internet is mocking me because they think I'm a moron, how should I handle this situation? Maybe I could do something to prove that I actually am an intelligent person. . .no, maybe I'll just start acting stupid on purpose and get paid for being ridiculed!
How am I supposed to get a hankering for your product when I'm just feeling sorry for your spokeswoman?
The whole campaign is just depressing.

Isn't the idea of "celebrity" endorsements supposed to be that on some level the viewer will associate the product with the movie star or athlete or whatever and subconsciously start to think that buying the product will make him in some way similar to the admired person? That's why it's usually someone like Micheal Jordan or Peyton Manning in this type of ad. Is there really a demographic out there who admires any of these people? And do they buy nuts by the truckload? Because otherwise, this whole campaign just doesn't make a bit of sense.

Kim Kardashian Reaches a New Level of Shamelessness.

It was once said of someone that "She would go to the opening of an envelope." That used to be the standard for someone being a pathetic publicity whore. Now, thanks to Kim Kardashian, we have a new, lower, standard.

(via The Superficial)

 

Yeah, she's cutting the ribbon at the grand opening of a public toilet.

Today, Procter & Gamble (NYSE: PG) Charmin® Restrooms return to Times Square for the fifth consecutive year, giving holiday visitors and local New Yorkers a free, clean and family-friendly place to “enjoy the go” during this busy time of year. To launch the 2010 Restrooms, Charmin is calling on one of the newest New Yorkers, Kim Kardashian, to reveal its new location at 142 West 42nd Street, and this year’s themed bathroom stalls representing iconic U.S. locations, as part of the first-ever Charmin Go Nation national competition.

I don't know what's worse, the fact that Charmin is having a grand opening for a toilet, or that they use the phrase "enjoy the go." That is just horrible. Just really awful. And then what sort of competition are they having? No, wait. I don't want to know. 

“With my recent transition to New York, I’ve been checking out all the gifts the City has to offer visitors and New Yorkers alike,” says Kardashian. “During the holiday shopping season, I’m happy to join Charmin as they give the gift of the Restrooms near Times Square.”

"Also, I have no shame and not a spec of dignity!" she might as well have added. "Are people looking at me? LOOK AT ME!!!!! TALK ABOUT ME!!!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!" she practically continued. "How many times do I have to humiliate myself in public before you like me?"

 

How about now? Are people talking about me now? I'm practically committing statutory rape here, people!

 

How about now?

Now?

 

Oh my gosh, quit looking at my big butt! 

 

I'm serious, you guys! Quit looking at my butt!

 

Seriously, stop! Heeheeeheeeheee!

 

Hooray! I'm Famous!

What the Hell is a "Snooki"?

As of today, January 22, 2010, I have officially given up all hope for our Nation's future.

And not just because gloating over the demise of healthcare is apparently a tenable political position.

And not just because the Supreme Court has apparently decided "democracy, schmocracy, let government go to the highest bidder."

No, it's mainly because of this:

Lehigh Valley’s Star Pre-Owned will host Reality TV star, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at their Easton, PA store on Saturday, January 23rd to raise funds for Haitian earthquake relief.

‘Snooki’ will be signing autographs
and taking pictures with fans during this time in an attempt to help the dealership raise funds for Haitian relief efforts.

Yes, allegedly, people in Pennsylvania will be lining up for the autograph of something called "Snooki."

Apparently, this so-called "Snooki" is one of the "stars" of some wretched MTV show called "Jersey Shore" (because "Animal Planet" was already taken) which features a group of drunken spray-tanned meatheads making asses of themselves in various ways.

And people want the autograph of one of these nitwits?

I swear, you could stop the next person you see on the street and ask for her autograph because I guarantee she'll have a more impressive list of accomplishments than "Snooki."
Honestly, if your resume' contains anything more impressive than "portray buffoonish vulgarian on third-rate basic cable show," you've got her beat.

I once pulled down 10 rebounds in a junior-varsity basketball game. Compared to Snooki, I'm a candidate for "Who's Who."

And the worst thing is, these fake celebrities aren't even the least bit interesting. When Paris Hilton became famous for being famous, the process itself was kind of fascinating. But now it's just been done to death. And it's become just sad and formulaic.

Step one: Have wealthy, over-indulgent, overly-permissive parents.
Check.

Two: have a drinking problem, but in the early stages where it still makes you seem "fun."
Check!



Never tire of displaying your probably-fake-but-if-not-admittedly-impressive bosoms?

Check and Check!




"Accidentally" "forget" that you're not wearing undies?

Check!




Portray self as an unfettered libertine?

Check!

And by the way, Snooki, if that is your real name, two girls kissing might have seemed shocking or provocative a few years ago, before they started running "Girls Gone Wild" ads during "The Daily Show," but now it's just a cliche. It's just what you expect drunk, trashy girls to do when there's a camera around. No one's impressed.

So the next few steps are fairly predictable. First, the inevitable sex tape. (And you know there is one. There's no way these self-impressed, self-absorbed, self-indulgent oafs are not taping themselves doing it.) Then being stunt-cast in some straight-to-video schlock, then Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew! Then, I'm going to say Playboy? Maybe Penthouse, I don't know, I'm not psychic. Then redemption on the cover of People Magazine, maybe finding religion, a pathetic stab at a singing career in there somewhere, and a little jail time.

The point is, if we truly are a society where people like this are admired, where people will actually seek them out and ask for autographs, then our society is doomed. There's no coming back from this.