Thursday, February 2, 2017

I really really hate Groundhog day

I hate Groundhog Day way more than I can possibly rationalize. I should really have much more important things occupying the hatred centers of my mind like, I dunno, the current President, maybe? But for some reason this annual insult to our national intelligence really gets under my skin.

So today we present a look back at some of our previous Groundhog Day observations.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Can Someone Please Explain To Me

Why in the hell this*

is still going on in this day and age?
Surely there isn't anyone out there who actually believes that the weather is dependent upon whether or not a particular rodent sees its own shadow. And does anyone really think that you can even tell whether he has seen it or not? How does the rodent tell you, how does he communicate this information to you? By returning to his hole? I know if I got up, went out my front door and saw Creepy McMoustache and a bunch of slow-witted ninnies popping flashbulbs in my face, I'd turn around and go back to bed too. But I wouldn't expect anyone to see my actions as a foreboding omen of weather to come.

And it's bad enough that the top-hatted nincompoop battalion


goes through this absurd charade year after year, but media outfits like Reuters, the AP, and even National Geographic cover the nincompoopery as if it were a legitimate news story. Seriously! Look:

Ker Than
Updated February 2, 2010
Don't pack away those winter clothes just yet: This morning famed groundhog forecaster Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. . .

Way to go, National Geographic! news services
updated 12:45 p.m. ET, Tues., Feb. 2, 2010
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. - The world's most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged before chilly revelers in western Pennsylvania on Tuesday to see his shadow, a sign his handlers say means winter will last another six weeks.

What a story! MSNBC, your place for politics! And rodent shadow coverage!

I guess the media has plenty of time to cover retarded nonsense like this, because there's just not that much going on right now. We're only involved in two wars. That's not very many. That should occupy like what, one reporter per war? And maybe a reporter or two to look at the economy, there's not a whole lot to report on there. And there are hardly any allegations of torture coming out at the moment, and only two political parties combining to fuck up healthcare reform. So sure, ther should be plenty of reporters left to cover the fuzzy animal falderal.

Or maybe it's just that there's only one time per year that reporters get to use the phrase "Gobbler's Knob." Yeah, really.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Stop the Presses!

This breaking news just in:

Punxsutawney Phil Isn't Always Right

Wow, way to go, ABC! Way to nail down that scoop! The behavior of a random rodent is not really all that predictive of the future? Well blow me down!

An analysis by the National Climatic Data Center found there is no correlation between Phil's predictions and the actual weather.

The National Climatic Data Center? Please tell me that isn't a government agency. . . ah, crap! They have a .gov web address! Seems like the National Climatic Data Center ought to have bigger fish to fry than determining whether some ridiculous bit of nonsensical folklore involving a rodent might somehow have some shred of veracity in it. (hint: no, it does not)

The well-fed, revered groundhog also has a penchant for seeing his shadow. Ever since the tradition began in 1887, Phil (and his ancestors) saw their shadows 99 times, while predicting an early spring only 16 times. There was no record for nine of the years.

Of course he always sees his shadow! He's not blind. Assuming that it is actually possible to somehow determine what the little guy is actually seeing or not seeing,  wouldn't you just assume that he would see his shadow? And the 16 times he supposedly didn't see it, wouldn't that just be an indication that it's time to break in a new groundhog, because this one's losing his eyesight?

But thank God we have a free press in this country so we can read hard-hitting investigative stories like this. ABC News, give this lady a raise!

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

It's the stupidest day of the year,qw=300.pagespeed.ic.qoCOJTh4Ax.jpg

Everything about Groundhog day is mind-bogglingly stupid.
For starters, where in the world did anyone get the idea that whether or not  a certain small fuzzy animal sees its shadow  is somehow predictive of anything? What is that even based on? I'd Google it, but I'm sure it's stunningly stupid and  I just don't care enough. Also, how in the hell would you know whether this particular cute fuzzy animal has seen its shadow or someone else's shadow or a blade of grass, or. . . how could you possibly know what an animal has seen or not seen?

And yet, every year, these idiots dress up in formal wear and watch this rodent pop up out of some hole and pretend that they're doing meteorology.

Which is bad enough, but every year every goddamm news agency in the country sends reporters, actual reporters who probably went to journalism school to report on this stupid waste of everyone's time. And they're not allowed to report what actually happened. They're not allowed to say:

Dateline: Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
A strange ritual occurred today in this quiet little town as a douchebag in a top hat held aloft a large rodent while pretending that it had some effect on the weather patterns of North America. People who had gathered around for some reason that this reporter could not fathom began to cheer inexplicably as if they had witnessed some sort of actual event. No word yet on whether the top-hatted imbecile has been committed to a mental asylum, but he clearly seems to be a danger to himself as well as not doing the local woodland creatures any favors.
No, they have to go on camera and, with a straight face, talk about how we're going to have a longer or shorter winter this year based on some idiot's idea of what a cute fuzzy animal may or may not have seen. And they have to act like there's something to it. "Well, Bill, it looks like old man winter's going to be around a few more weeks since this overgrown chipmunk seems to have seen its own shadow. reporting live from Pennsatucky, I'm Joan Smith. Please give me a reason not to slash my wrists right here on the air."

I mean, I get why they go on the air and pretend that there are radar sightings of a flying sleigh on Christmas Eve. That's to make children happy. But no child gives a fat fuck about Groundhog Day. Even the smallest child isn't stupid enough to think that a fuzzy animal has any bearing on the climate. So who is it for? There can't possibly be adults who enjoy pretending that an oversized squirrel can predict the future, can there?

Also, the groundhog's name is "Punxsutawney Phil." Who came up with that? If you're going to give the animal a name that starts with "P" to go along with Punxsutawney, why not use a name where the "P" is pronounced as a "P," not an "F?" Why not Punxsutawney Pual or Punxsutawney Pete or Punxsutawney Pat? How hard is that?

Also, what is "Gobbler's Knob?"

A crowd gathered at Gobbler's Knob early this morning, awaiting the emergence of the groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil. After a tap of a cane on Phil's tree-trunk cage, his door was opened, and the animal emerged.

The town is Punxsutawney, PA. Why do they say it happened at "Gobbler's Knob?" What is Gobbler's Knob? Never mind, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

Gobbler's Knob is a pretty stupid name for a town or a neighborhood or geographical location, but it's probably the least stupid thing about Groundhog Day, the stupidest day of the year.