Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Fun with Headlines

All headlines via Yahoo News.


Kentucky miners block coal train over missed paychecks

Image result for trump + coal jobs
Look, I said the big beautiful clean coal jobs were coming back. I didn't say the paychecks were!


World War III Won't Start Over Iran, But It Could Start Thanks To North Korea

yeah. . . I'm sure this guy

Image result for kim jong un

is going to bring about the third world war. Let me know when he's done invading Poland.


The Reason Why China Refuses to Use Nuclear Weapons First in a War

Um, because they're not insane monsters? Is this really a mystery to someone?


The Trump administration is warning allies to stay away from Huawei — but not everyone's listening

Wow, hard to imagine why our allies aren't heeding the advice of Dumbfuck McAderall!


Trump reportedly authorized the Soleimani strike 7 months ago, throwing a wrench through his argument that there was an 'imminent threat'

Breaking News: Trump lies all the time about everything!


Pelosi warns McConnell, Senate Republicans they will 'pay a price' if they engage in 'cover-up'

Yeahhhh, no they won't. There is never a price to pay if you're a Republican. They've all been ignoring subpoenas and deciding they don't feel like testifying and there have been zero consequences for any of them.


Arkansas governor defends decision to accept new refugees

Jesus Christ! Did you ever think we'd get to a point where public officials would have to explain why they are behaving like decent human beings?


House Democrats launch probe into Trump's "Remain in Mexico" policy

Oooohhhh, a probe! That'll show him! I mean, this despicable policy has only been in effect for how many months now? You Dems sure you want to take such drastic action already?


How the Army Is Training European Militias to Stop a Russian Invasion

Washington is hoping that armed and trained civilians could spot and help stop a Russian invasion before it seized territory.

Oh my God, they think Red Dawn was a documentary!


U.S. Navy: We're Gonna Need a Bigger Budget (and More Boats)

Whaaaaaaat??? A branch of the military thinks it needs a bigger budget? What's next, NFL receivers who think they aren't getting thrown to often enough?


Andrew isn't the only prince with ties to a sex offender: Prince Charles once supported a bishop convicted of molesting more than a dozen young men

Yeah, pretty sure every member of every royal family has ties to at least one sex offender.


I flew Spirit Airlines and had a nightmarish 34-hour delay with terrible customer service, and I'll never use the airline again

Yeah, that's not news. Someone having a positive experience with Spirit Airlines would be news.


They Donated to Trump’s Inauguration. Now These Big Donors Are Funding His 2020 Competition

Gee, it's almost as if rich assholes like to bribe politicians from both parties. Weird, that.