Friday, April 22, 2016

I'm sorry, what century is this again?
Miss. not adding domestic violence as grounds for divorce

                   A final version of a bill that would have allowed divorces for
that reason passed the House on Wednesday, but died in the Senate a
short time later.

Okayyyyyy. . . .
So, apparently in the great state of Mississippi, you actually need to have a reason to be allowed to get divorced other than "we are two adults who know what we want and we don't want to be married anymore." And the one circumstance that ought to be a no-brainer is not among the allowable reasons.

The state currently allows only 12 justifiable reasons to legally grant a divorce including impotency, adultery, alcoholism, and incurable mental illness among some of the reasons.

Wait. So you can get a divorce if your husband can't get it up, but if he punches you, you're out of luck?

So, I guess if your husband hits you, your only option is to kick him in the balls hard enough that he becomes impotent?

Actually, yeah. That sounds right.
JACKSON, Miss. (AP) — Mississippi will not add domestic violence as a reason for divorce.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Alabama Rep Proposes a Thing

So apparently, there is a thing called the "National Day of Prayer" here in the good ol' US of A. And apparently, every president since Truman has had to sign on to this observance every year while pretending that the separation of church and state is suspended one day a year.

This year, and maybe this is normal, I don't know, but this year the Alabama House of Representatives is issuing, or at least considering issuing a proclamation regarding the day of prayer. Written by Rep. Mack Butler (R-You Kidding Me), the text reads as follows:

WHEREAS, God has blessed America, where freedom exists for all, regardless of belief or creed; and

And also, no mosques!

WHEREAS, America’s heritage is a beacon to the world, a shining city on a hill; and

Wait, you can't just say that like it's a statement of fact. That's like saying "Whereas, the San Francisco Giants are the greatest baseball team known to mankind. . ." Well, bad example, that actually is true, but you get what I'm saying, right?

WHEREAS, America’s exceptionalism was not only on a thoroughfare for freedom beat, but a leader and protector of values and safety around the world; and

What? Did any of that make sense to anyone?
I think he's saying that America (by which he presumably means the United States of, not the two continents in the Western Hemisphere, but it's only an official government proclamation, so precise language isn't really that important)
Any way, I think he's saying that America somehow protects the nebulous concept of "values" and also makes the rest of the world safe? You know, like how the people of Chile felt so much safer after we installed Pinochet? Or how "shock and awe" made the people of Iraq feel all protected and secure?

WHEREAS, though American’s sovereignty did not and would not rule the world, rather than a colonial power, she shared her bounty; and

Oh my God, take a freshman composition class, please.

WHEREAS, America has turned from her values, she is engaged in practices antithetical to her heritage by not protecting the poor, defenseless, and unborn, and has permitted the law to discriminate pitting one’s rights against the rights of others; and

When did we ever protect the poor? I mean, FDR did and LBJ, but you guys all called that Communism and said it was bad and would destroy America.
Also, one person's rights are always pitted against the rights of others. For instance, my right to do what I want with my property is pitted against my neighbors' right to not have an In 'n' Out Burger on the front lawn next door to them. It's always about finding a balance. That doesn't mean that America "has allowed the law to discriminate."

I don't know for sure, but I assume you're referring to dickhead bakers having to bake wedding cakes with 2 brides or 2 grooms on top? Their rights to run their business as they see fit is pitted against the gay couples' right to not have service refused in a place of public accommodation. If the courts have ruled against the business owner's "right" to discriminate, that's not the same thing as the law discriminating.

WHEREAS, America now sits in her sanctuary while the rest of the world is falling into turmoil with genocide against Christians and radical Islamic terrorists wreaking havoc; and

Oh, thank God no radical Islamic terrorists have ever wreaked any of their patented havoc here in America! 

Well, most of us won't. 

WHEREAS, America’s Judeo-Christian tradition recognized a freedom of religion, the first freedom, that let all religions coexist; and 

 And just to reiterate: NO MOSQUES!

WHEREAS, traditional values have been removed from the public square where all values were once spoken; and  

Yes, remember those halcyon days when the public square was full of atheists, communists, free-thinkers and anarchists freely speaking about their values. Oh, those were wonderful times!

 WHEREAS, religious freedom is threatened and God is mocked; and

Um, pretty sure part of religious freedom would be the freedom to mock God if one so chooses.
Also, nobody is threatening the religious freedom of anybody in America! (Except Muslims)

WHEREAS, just as Jesus observed when he drew close to Jerusalem before His crucifixion and wept over the city that thought it knew of the things made for peace, it was now hidden from their eyes and just as high government officials often invoke the name of God, yet they tempt God by abandoning His truths; and


 WHEREAS, America must reaffirm her freedom and her faith; and 

Can't really do both. Can't reaffirm our commitment to freedom and also say we're endorsing a religion.

 Also, this is your last "Whereas." Don't put an "and" at the end. This is how it reads:

WHEREAS, America must reaffirm her freedom and her faith; and

Did you not take English classes in high school? (sorry, high school is a type of school that most states have kids attend after elementary and middle school. ZING!)
You should say ". . . her freedom and her faith. THEREFORE, be it resolved. . ." Saying "whereas. . .and be it resolved" is just,um, not good writing?

Okay, but anyway, we've gotten through all the "Whereases" and we finally get to the resolution. Ready?

BE IT RESOLVED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF ALABAMA, BOTH HOUSES THEREOF CONCURRING, That we urge America to reaffirm and protect its freedoms.

 That's it? That was a hell of a long way to go for that. You're in favor of freedom? Wow! Really going out on a limb, there!

 More? Okay, Popeil, hit me with it!

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the fifth day of May 24 2016 be set aside as a day of reflection by the citizens of the State of Alabama who will humble themselves and pray and seek God’s face and turn from their wicked ways so that God will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land.

 Heal the. . . ? Dude, it's Alabama! There's only so much I can do!

P.S. I apologize to the good people of Alabama. I've been living in Georgia for a while now, and I'm trying to fit in. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to disparage neighboring states. Go Dawgs!

P. P.S. when searching for "drumroll, please" I stumbled onto this gif. Enjoy the awesomeness!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Worst Reaction to Harriet Tubman Bill

When they announced that Harriet Tubman was going to be on the new $20 bill, I expected ignorant assholes to have a problem with that. I expected to see comments like:

So as the USA becomes a 3rd world shithole, the $20 bill goes ghetto

Removing a white from $20 bill to replace with a mudskin is an act of . Wake up, white man.

After Harriet Tubman- let's put this guy on a bill 2 show how blacks would still b living if whitey never came along

You expect this kind of shit from horrible white people.

But I did not see this coming:


Carson: Maybe Tubman should go on the $2 bill

Ben Carson thinks that Harriet Tubman might be better on the $2 bill than the $20.
The retired neurosurgeon and Donald Trump surrogate was reacting to a story first reported by POLITICO that Tubman — the African-American abolitionist and a woman — will replace President Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill.
"Well I think Andrew Jackson was a tremendous secretary — I mean a tremendous president,” the former presidential candidate said Wednesday on Fox Business.

Hey, don't sell him short, he was a hell of a secretary, too. He could do shorthand like nobody's business.

“I mean, Andrew Jackson was the last president who actually balanced the federal budget,"

Are you sure he was the last one? Because I seem to remember, back in the dim recesses of history. . . oh, gosh what was his name? Real skirt-chaser, played the sax?

I dunno, it was so long ago, who could possibly remember the chubby guy who not only balance the budget, but left a surplus.

So, sure. Andrew Jackson. because right-wing history always has holes in it. There was the founding fathers, then everything was good until Jimmy Carter, then Reagan fixed everything, then nothing happened for a while until Barack Obama caused 9/11 and lost all the wars and did Benghazi.

"And here he gets kicked off the $20 bill," host Neil Cavuto said.
"Right, in honor of that we kick him off of the money,” Carson said

Well, I'm not privy to the discussions held in DC about this change, but I imagine it had more to do with Jackson being a genocidal asshole than with having balanced the budget.

“Are you anti-Harriet Tubman?” Cavuto asked.
"I love Harriet Tubman. I love what she did, but we can find another way to honor her. Maybe a $2 bill,” Carson said.

Yes. What better way to honor this amazing woman than by putting her on a denomination no one uses. Perfect. Why didn't they think of that sooner? 

 Oh, yeah.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Ted Cruz gets coveted Y-w-h endorsemsnt

So this came across my Twitter feed today:

Ted Cruz’s Yiddish ad tells New York Jews he is God’s chosen candidate

Well of course he thinks he's the chosen one!
Yiddish advertisement run by the Cruz campaign touted the Texas Senator"s conservative bona fides and religious faith.
"Presidential candidate Ted Cruz is the first and only since President Reagan who believes that God is the one who decides who will be elected president of the US, which is why he is confident that he will be elected." 

Okay, first of all, I'm no linguist, but I'm pretty sure that's not Yiddish. 

But anyway. . . Ted, Bubbeleh,  what are you even talking about? God decides who will be the president? If God decides who gets to be President, where the fuck do you get off complaining about Barack Obama? According to you, Barack Obama was chosen by God  himself to be President of Gods' favorite country, where do you get the chutzpah to kvetch about his choice?

Also, Teddy, you meshuggah pischer,  if God is going to decide who wins, and you're confident that he's going to pick you, what are you working so hard for? Relax, have a nosh. Maybe take a schvitz. If God wants you to be president, you'll be president. Why put all this effort into wrangling delegates away from Trump? Just let God work his magic. You know, if you actually believe what your ad says. Or is it all just a bunch of shmontses? 

Oy! Enough with the fake Yiddish already, you goyish shmegege! 
On my worst enemy, I shouldn't wish such a read as this post!

Friday, April 15, 2016

Goddammit, this is a weird freaking family!

Ted Cruz apparently has a thing for soup.

Bad soup.

According to his weirdo wife Heidi:
When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.

 Campbell's Chunky? You couldn't at least get Progresso? I mean, it's still canned soup, but it's like the difference between Ragu and Prego. I mean even for canned soup, Campbell's Chunky is pretty low. Have you ever tried Snow's brand clam chowder? Now that's a pretty good canned soup. And it's a concentrate, which makes it more surprising. Also, I don't know if you can get Andersen's Pea Soup outside of California, but . . .,_Buellton,_California.jpg/250px-Andersens_restaurant,_Buellton,_California.jpg

Anyway, we seem to have gotten a bit off-topic. Back to Heidi:

This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”

A "tough conversation?" "Don't buy an insane amount of crappy soup" is a tough conversation? A tough conversation is usually something along the lines of "I know you meant well, but I can't wear this whorish outfit you bought me for our anniversary" or "No way in Hell is your lunatic father moving in here!"
No, it would not be like that at all!

So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.

So this marriage is obviously getting off to a solid start. He goes behind your back to buy a survivalist's bunker's worth of bad soup, you go behind his back to return it. Trust is the foundation of a solid relationship!

Also, you're a professional woman. You have an MBA from Harvard. You had just finished working as as an economic policy director on the Bush for President campaign. And you're calling your mother up for Stepford housewife advice?
I was Phi Beta Cappa!

And neither of you realized that your only two options are not 100 cans or zero? You couldn't say, let's get maybe a dozen at a time? It would be the easiest compromise you'd ever have to make. Although, I assume Ted probably would say "I get all 100 cans or so help me, I'll shut down the government!"

And I will read this children's book cover to cover! 
And you will sit there and listen to every word!

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Stupid People Saying Stupid Things

Stupid person number one: Bill O'Relliy

Discussing Trump’s poor showing with black voters and his attempts to appeal to that demographic, O’Reilly let loose :
BILL O’REILLY: But how are you going to get jobs for them? Many of them are ill-educated and have tattoos on their foreheads, and I hate to be generalized about it, but it’s true. If you look at all the educational statistics, how are you going to get jobs for people who aren’t qualified for jobs?

You know, putting aside for the moment that Bill O'Reilly is a huge racist, what the fuck is he even talking about? I've seen a lot of people in my time - black, white, Asian, Hispanic, etc. and I'm pretty sure that I have never seen a black guy with a forehead tattoo. I don't think even Dennis Rodman ever had one. I've seen plenty of white guys with tattoos all over their faces, but never a black guy.

But maybe that's just me. So I Googled "forehead tattoo" and looked at the images.

Image result for forehead tattoo
Image result for forehead tattoo
Image result for forehead tattoo
Image result for forehead tattoo
Image result for forehead tattoo

You have to scroll through about 50 scary-looking white guys before you finally come to this fellow
who for some reason felt the need to have a brand of shoes tattooed on his noggin.

And there are a couple of other black guys, but it's mostly dudes who look like this:

And, granted, those guys are going to have a tough time finding jobs in the non-criminal sector of our economy, but who the hell thinks that forehead tattoo is some kind of a black guy stereotype?

Stupid person number two: Rep. Mark Walker

North Carolina Congressman: Bruce Springsteen Is a "Bully" for Canceling Concert

How? How is Bruce Springsteen being a bully?

A U.S. congressman who represents portions of Greensboro, N.C., is accusing Bruce Springsteen of being a "bully," after the rock star canceled a concert there to protest a new law that's being described as anti-gay.
"It's disappointing he's not following through on his commitments," said Rep. Mark Walker, a Republican freshman congressman.

Yes. that's what bullies do. they fail to follow through on their commitments. That's why everyone hates and fears them.

"Bruce is known to be on the radical left," continued Walker, "and he's got every right to be so, but I consider this a bully tactic. It's like when a kid gets upset and says he's going to take his ball and go home."

 Um, I think you're confusing being a bully with being a crybaby? Bullies don't take their ball and go home. They take YOUR ball and go home. And your lunch money.
 Taking your ball and going home is a response to being bullied, it's not bullying.

 Okay, so you just lost Bruce Springsteen. Care to look on the bright side, Congressman?

"We've got other artists coming soon — Def Leppard, Justin Bieber," the congressman told The Hollywood Reporter. 
 Ahahahaha! Def Leppard!
 Ahahahahaha!! Justin Bieber!

 "I've never been a Bieber fan, but I might have to go. Maybe artists who weren't 'born to run' deserve a little bit more support," he said, referencing one of Springsteen's most famous songs.

You know what? Go. Go to a Justin Bieber show. Sitting through a Justin Bieber performance seems like an adequate punishment. Not for your anti-LGBT laws, but for that hacky "Born to Run" reference.