Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Do you believe in MONSTERS? You Will!

At the bottom of this post lies a picture of the most horrifying creature known to mankind. Was it once human? Maybe. But now, it is the unspeakable epitome of dread!

Can you handle the terror?

. . . . .Scroll down if you dare!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .But BEWARE! 


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .For this way lies madness!

If you wish to look into the very soul of terror, 

If you're brave enough to confront your darkest fears, 
then continue. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . But remember,

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You Have Been Warned.



Tuesday, October 30, 2012

How is This Not From The Onion?

This is a joke, right?

Bush’s FEMA Director During Katrina Criticizes Obama For Responding To Sandy Too Quickly

Michael Brown, ex-FEMA head,has advice, criticism for Obama about Hurricane Sandy

Advice? Criticism? From Brownie? You might a s well ask Justin Verlander for advice on how to pitch Pablo Sandoval!

Boom! Gotcha, Verlander!

Colorado is not facing any danger from Hurricane Sandy, but the effects of the storm can still be felt here, with the Obama and Romney camps canceling scheduled rallies. 
That is not "feeling the effects." "feeling the effects of the storm" would include things like losing your home and drowning. Being spared a couple of political rallies is not even in the ballpark. You're one sentence in and already you're a laughable hack.
Today, we decided to check in with a local expert on natural disasters who also has a perspective on potential political ramifications of Sandy: Michael Brown
 Okay, that must be a different Micheal Brown, because the Micheal Brown who was such a spectacular failure during Katrina must be keeping a super low profile to avoid being pelted with rocks and garbage. 

Michael Brown, former director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, who's now a local radio host.
He feels Obama may have jumped the gun with his first announcement about the storm, which is expected to hit the East Coast tonight.
Yes, everyone knows you wait until AFTER the storm hits before you begin thinking about whether to do something about it!
 According to Brown, who famously dubbed "Brownie" by President Bush, [sic]  it's unlikely that Hurricane Sandy will dramatically impact the presidential race and news coverage in the final week of the election. However, he has some words of advice for the president and his reelection team. 

Holding a press conference at FEMA yesterday might have been a bit premature, given that the most serious impacts of the storm are not expected until later today, he feels. 
Yes, why would you hold a statement BEFORE the worst of the storm? After the storm hits is the perfect time to call a press conference to say "everyone should have evacuated." 
"Also, Rite Aid had a good deal on batteries last week, should have stocked up on those!"

"Here's my concern," Brown says. "People in the northeast are already beginning to blow it off.... [New York City Mayor Michael] Bloomberg has shut down the subway...[launched] evacuations.... I don't object...they should be doing all of that. But in the meantime, various news commentators...[and others] in New York are shrugging their shoulders, saying, 'What's this all about?'
No. No one is asking that. No one is looking at the weather maps and asking "what's the big deal?" 
Yeah, this totally looks like no big deal!
Also kinda looks like lady parts.

Brown says he understands why the president might have chosen to have a news conference earlier rather than later. 
 Because he's not a moron?

"My guess is, he wants to get ahead of it -- he doesn't want anybody to accuse him of not being on top of it or not paying attention or playing politics in the middle of it," he says. "He probably figured Sunday was a good day to do a press conference." 
For a FEMA director, Brown says, timing is always an important question: When is it most effective for the president to make an announcement?
"He probably could've had a little more impact doing it today," says Brown
Yeah, press conferences have way more impact when a lot of your intended audience has no electricity! 

What a powerful message! Probably.

 Brown expects that in the coming days, there will also be comparisons between Obama's quick response to Hurricane Sandy and his slower response to the attacks in Benghazi, which has become a challenging campaign issue for the president
If by "challenging campaign issue" you mean "thing that some dicks keep lying about," then yeah.
"One thing he's gonna be asked is, why did he jump on this so quickly and go back to D.C. so quickly when in...Benghazi, he went to Las Vegas?" Brown says. "Why was this so quick?
Wow. Really? Let's pretend for a second that you're right, that the President did go to Vegas instead of responding to the Benghazi attack.  How is your question "why so quick?" Shouldn't your objection be to the slowness of the Benghazi response? (Again, this is in your fictional world in which the President ran to Vegas instead of responding) Why was this so quick? That's your objection? Are you mad because he's screwing up the grade curve? 

There's more to the interview. You can read it here if you're interested. 

It's almost funny if it weren't so maddening. The guy has learned nothing. He has no sense of shame or decency. And of course, he has failed up. No matter how much a right winger fucks things up, someone will give him a radio show or a newspaper column, or  a position at a "think tank." Being a right-winger is a pretty good racket.



Jeb's Delicate Sensibilities have been offended!

Jeb Bush to Newsmax: Obama Campaigning Like '10-Year-Old'

Sunday, 28 Oct 2012 03:56 PM
By David A. Patten and Kathleen Walter

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush is blasting President Barack Obama for demeaning the office of the presidency Friday, citing his barnyard epithets and snarky comportment toward GOP nominee Mitt Romney, and likening it to the behavior of a "10-year-old."
Asked if the president’s personal attacks demean the office of the presidency, Bush replied: “It does, but here’s the sad reality: We have a temporary time in American history where our culture has been coarsened, where people’s expectations are low. We’re living in a different time.

Yes, Obama has coarsened our culture.


Never in our history has a sitting president used such a foul expression.


It's really shocking to consider how lofty our presidential rhetoric was just a few years ago.


What's next? Calling a reporter a "big time asshole," or telling a Senator to go fuck himself on the Senate floor?

“As president of the United States,” he continued, “there’s the old expression that if you work hard, and you play by the rules, and if you have success, you could be just like him. You could be a president of the United States. That’s what dads tell their boys and moms tell their girls.

“When you act like that, it’s kind of hard to say as a parent to your child, ‘You could be a president of the United States.’ Maybe there are other avocations that might be something that would create greater pride. Sadly, when you act that way, people begin to diminish the importance of the presidency,” Bush said.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that if the president is, as you say acting like a ten-year-old, it would be easier to say to a child that she can aspire to be president, wouldn't it?
But sure, calling a bullshitter a bullshitter, that's what diminishes the office of the presidency. Not being asleep at the switch on 9/11, not lying the country into a disastrous, illegal war. Not tossing aside habeus corpus, authorizing torture, or approving warrantless wiretaps. Not even the seeming inability to string together a coherent sentence. No, what diminishes the office of the presidency is calling a liar a liar. Obviously.

Fuck You, Cindy McCain

Cindy McCain empathy win

Seriously, fuck you.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Field Guide to the Beards of the World Series


The "Ladies' Man (c. 1975)"


The "Civil War Veteran"

The "Devil"

The "High school Sophomore"



The "Cartoon Villain"

The "Midnight Toker"


The "Old Testament"


The "Stripper's Pubes"

The "Smooth Operator"


The "Home Recording Studio"

The Cobain

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Who to watch tonight -- Hunter Pence.

Okay, Hunter Pence is not the best player in the world.

He's certainly not the most graceful.


But for my money, no one is more fun to watch than Hunter Pence.

First of all, he looks like this:

If you were making a movie about Hunter Pence, you would probably cast Chris Elliott in the title role.

And for some reason, they just can't get him a pair of pants that fit.

And there is no pitch at which he will not lunge wildly.

Every routine fly ball to right is an adventure.

It's more fun to watch Hunter Pence take warmup swings than to watch most players hit a bases-loaded triple. He swings the bat the way an axe murderer swings an axe. And he goes after each pitch like he just caught the ball in bed with his wife.

Oh, and watch him throw the ball in from the outfield, you'd swear he'd never thrown a baseball before.

The guy is nuts, and that's good TV, win or lose.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I've been very busy lately

Between this weekend's scooter rally

And watching the Giants kick a bunch of red tail-feathers all over the bay,

I've been neglecting my blogging duties.

But no more.

I have one day before the World Series begins, so time to get caught up.

Let's see, what have I missed?

Tagg Romney would like to take a swing at President Obama? Seriously?

I double-dog dare you, Tagg. Seriously, you don't have to worry about the Secret Service. the only thing that might keep the Prez from dropping you like a sack of wet laundry is if the First Lady got to you first.

You prissy little yuppie, you want to go around taking swings at people who call your father a liar? It's gonna be a long fuckin night, 'cuz everyone calls your father a liar. Is your indignation tempered at all by the fact that your father is actually a huuuuuuge liar? That he lies as easily and glibly as any sociopath?

Mitt Romney is a liar! Come at me, bro!

Let's see, what else has been going on?

Oh, I see deadbeat dad Joe Walsh has graduated from the Todd Akin school of lady-parts-ology.

Asked by reporters after the debate if he was saying that it’s never medically necessary to conduct an abortion to save the life of a mother, Walsh responded, “Absolutely.”

“With modern technology and science, you can't find one instance,” he said. “... There is no such exception as life of the mother, and as far as health of the mother, same thing.

You know, I'm no doctor or scientist or anything, heck I don't even have a uterus, but even I know someone who very nearly died from a tubal pregnancy. So, that's one instance right there. What makes these right-wing fellas think they know so much about the female reproductive system?

Oh, and some creepy white-supremacist guy was caught throwing away voter registration forms in Virgina, which is obviously a federal crime, but don't worry, he was working for the Republican party, so that pretty much means it was all on the up-and-up, not like ACORN!

Scary monsters  
This guy couldn't possibly have any nefarious objectives!

State Board of Elections won’t ask attorney general to investigate worker arrested for dumping voter registrations

Sure, no investigation needed here, because, um. . . . wait, why?

RICHMOND, Va. (WTVR) – The State Board Of Elections says it will not ask Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli to investigate the case of a Republican Party contract worker, accused of throwing voter registration forms in the trash. . . .

“There’s no way to tell by party when people fill out these forms, what party they’re affiliated with, so I don’t think there’s any political motivation,”  Virginia Registrar Brandi Lilly said Friday.

There's just no way of knowing whether that voter lives in a heavily Democratic precinct, or is, say, oh, I don't know, black, or female.
And even if there really actually somehow was no partisan political motivation for this creep to throw out voter registrations, the fact remains that he was throwing out voter registrations, denying citizens their right to vote while employed by the Republican party.

Oh, and also this:
(via C&L)

Embedded image permalink

So, the guy throwing away voter registrations not only was a contract worker for the GOP, his profession is "Grassroots Field Director" for the RNC. But, surely there is no partisan agenda at work here!

I keep hearing people talking about how confident they are that Barack Obama is going to be re-elected because Mitt Romney is such a dismal, unlikable piece of work, and I wince every time I hear it. Because they don't seem to be taking in to account the amount of chicanery the GOP is going to throw at the election. They are already doing everything in their power to suppress the vote via voter ID laws, and restricting early voting. They've been caught changing addresses on Democratic voter registrations in Florida, "True the Vote" is training assholes to challenge voters at the polls in swing states, and oh, by the way TAGG ROMNEY BOUGHT THE COMPANY THAT SUPPLIES THE VOTING MACHINES IN OHIO, which pretty much makes us an official banana republic now.

Hart Intercivic supplies voting machines that will be used in Hamilton County, Ohio, one of the state’s most populous counties. In 2008, Barack Obama won the county with 209,000 votes—his third highest vote total among all Ohio’s 88 counties.
H.I.G. Capital, a large investment fund, is a “significant investor” in Hart Intercivic, according to an announcement put out last year by Hart. And H.I.G., in turn, is one of the largest partners, with nearly $10 billion of equity capital, of  Solamere Capital, the investment fund founded and run by Tagg Romney, Mitt’s eldest son, The Nation recently reported*.
Mitt Romney seeded the firm with a $10 million investment, offered strategic advice, and was the featured speaker at its first investor conference in 2010, The Nation reported.
 Wow. I think I was alot happier not paying attention to all this shit.

Can we just go ahead and start the World Series now?

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Another reason to weep for the future of America

Glenn Beck has his own line of designer jeans. Not kidding. Glenn Beck is selling jeans which seems like a great idea since his main demographic looks like this:

Can't wait to see the Glenn Beck audience struttin' around in their designer skinny jeans!
Glenn Beck announced Monday morning the release of 1791 Denim, a new line of jeans made entirely in America. The jeans are the latest from 1791, a clothing line launched by Glenn in 2011.
The team at 1791 has been working on the jeans for close to a year, something unheard of in the fashion industry. 
But completely normal in the incompetent-fashion-industry.

The jeans were conceived by Glenn, who has been involved with the new jeans in every step of the process from the stitching, to the buttons, and to the quality of the rivets. Tim Didonato, 1791 Designer, has been the point man on the design, working with Glenn to make sure his vision for the new line was executed. He has been branding all of the labels on the back of the jeans by hand, as well as managing all of the details of the look of the jeans.

The look of the jeans could be best described by the word "jeans." They look like jeans. They stole the rivet idea from Levi's, and the blue denim from Levi's and, well. . .

Is that really "fashion-forward?"

The idea for the jeans came in 2011, when Glenn was doing research for an episode of TV focused on the fashion industries use of advertisements that celebrated the protests in Europe and the Middle East. Glenn found that jeans, an iconic American product, were no longer being made in America.

What a scoop! You actually did research to find out that shit doesn't get made in America anymore?  In 2011, you were just blissfully unaware that everything is now made in China? What a fine, fine journalist you must be!

Rather than sit back and complain about yet another industry going overseas, Glenn decided to do something about it and tasked the nascent 1791 clothing line, staffed by only Tim and LJ, with making a new line of jeans that would be made entirely in America. And they had to do it as soon as possible – since that is the only deadline that Glenn ever gives his employees.

And in Beck's world, apparently,  as soon as possible means work on it for over a year. Also, I'm not sure what impression I'm supposed to get from that line, that ASAP is the only deadline Glenn ever gives. Am I supposed to be impressed that Glenn is such a tough s.o.b. that he will accept nothing less than as soon as possible? Or is it supposed to be that Glenn is such a cool boss that he doesn't give any actual deadlines, he just tells his employees to get it done as soon as they can?

Here's the depressing part:

Temporarily SOLD OUT

They're sold out. People are buying these. So you can look forward to seeing a lot of guys looking like this in the near future:

Also, because they are "sold out," they don't show a price on the website. According to HuffPo, though they retail for $129.99. What a bargain!

Things I Should Have Said At Work Today

1. Why, yes. Yes, this is all done. I just enjoyed doing that task so much that I decided to do it a second time just for fun, which is why you see me doing it right now.

2. Directions? Sure. Take 285 to Cobb Parkway, exit North. You'll see a Target store on the right. Go in there and buy a fucking GPS because you are a professional truck driver and being able to find your way from one place to another is a big part of your job description. You're welcome, see ya soon.

3. Really? Do you mean to tell me that there is a Redbox location that YOU were unaware of? Alert the media!

4. Don't take this the wrong way, but that is not my fucking problem and I couldn't give less of a shit.

5. Hmm, maybe it would help if you asked me the same fucking question a fourth time. Maybe I've just been accidentally saying no when I meant yes.

6. Aah, isn't that cute? You're such a big helper! Never mind that I just said I didn't need any help because this is a one-man job. The important thing is that you're helpin' daddy!

7. I can't believe that radio station has been on for four hours and this is only the third time I've heard that song that goes "no lie, no lie, no lie-ee-i-ee-iii. . ." That should really be played at least every minute of every day because it's totally not the worst song in the history of recorded music, and that history includes "Friday" by Rebecca Black.

8. How was my lunch? I'm so glad you asked! Let me regale you with tales of the sandwich. Pull up a chair and I'll try to draw you a mental picture, oh if only I'd remembered to take an Instagram of side of coleslaw.

9. I quit.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Mitt Romney Says Weird Things

1. Mitt's "answer" to the question of whether he supported equal pay for women was weird.

And not just because he said "binders full of women." That was weird, but that might have been the least weird part.

First, instead of saying "yes, I do" or "no, I don't," he tells this story about having hired some women. Really not relevant. Then he says his plan is to make conditions such that companies will hire so many people that some of those people are bound to be women. Although, it kinda sucks having women employees, 'cuz you gotta make sure they get off in time to make dinner or whatever it is those women without domestic help do.

Seriously, it was a yes or no question.

2. Mitt's idea of tax relief is to make sure us working stiffs don't have to pay taxes on all our interest, investment and capital gains income. Did nobody tell him that we don't have any of that income? When we hand our tax lady the statement from the bank with all our interest paid over the last year, she rolls her eyes as if to say "why bother?"  Because it's a few bucks. And I'm pretty sure we're fairly typical in that regard. The only people who make a significant amount of money on capital gains or dividends are the members of Mitt's yacht club. The rest of us would like to see the rate on unearned income go up.

3. You get a total of $25,000 in deductions, no matter what. But you get to choose which deductions you put in the "bucket." FREEDOMMMMM!!!!!!!

4. Why does anyone give a fuck when the Prez called the attack in Benghazi a "terrorist action?" Even if he had waited 14 days or whatever, which he didn't, what possible difference could that have made? Would the ambassador be any less dead if the "T" word came up sooner?

5. Does he think that there is some scenario in which government bureaucrats tell women they have to use contraception?

6. What difference does it make that our corporate tax rates are supposedly higher than Canada's? Our corporations don't pay any taxes anyway. And if you want to know what makes Canada a more attractive place to open a business, start with Universal Health Care. Not having to provide employees with health insurance gives Canadian companies a pretty good headstart against US companies. We're also handicapped against British companies. And German. And French, and Danish, and Dutch, and Japanese, and Brazilian, and Norwegian, and Italian, and Swedish.You get the picture. American  firms have to spend a ton of money that companies in every civilized country in the world don't have to because we refuse to have a national health plan.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Debate Observation # 14

Government does not create jobs! Except the one I'm running for.

Repeating "government does not create jobs" like a mantra doesn't make it any more true. Government creates jobs for soldiers, sailors, marines, airmen, cops, firefighters, teachers, park rangers, sewage treatment plant employees, CDC researchers, FBI investigators, CIA spies, meat inspectors, mail carriers, bridge builders, air traffic controllers, road pavers, drivers test examiners, astronauts, airplane builders, bomb manufacturers, uniform sewers, but  I guess those don't really count?

Debate Observation # 13

I'm sorry, did Mr. Free Trade just promise to implement tariffs against China?

You know what would be even more effective than tariffs? Call your friends at Bain and tell them to stop sending jobs to China.

Debate Observation # 12

The President wants to keep AK-47's out of the hands of criminals and the mentally ill.

In other words:


Debate Observation # 11

Why does Candy Crowley keep telling the candidates "don't go away?" Is there some possibility that one of them might wander off?

Also, if you're moderating a presidential debate (and doing so quite well) shouldn't it be Candace Crowley? You're a journalist, not a stripper.

Debate Observation # 10

God, Mitt is so proud of himself for pronouncing "Lorraine" correctly. After asking her to repeat it three times. Fuck, it's Lorraine, not Krzyzewski!

Debate Observation # 9

Oh my God, did Mitt really just say that he had started a "small business?" Like he started Bain capital in his parents' garage?  He went to work for a large company, then was given the opportunity to start a new branch of that large company which he turned into an even larger company, but he never had one cent of his own money at risk. He knows people have Google, right?

Debate Observation # 8

Of course I don't believe that employers should be able to decide who gets birth control. Mt God, I said that like 3 weeks ago! Do you honestly believe that that is still my position?

Debate observation # 7

Oh, my God, will the two of you quit arguing about who is supposed to get the last word on each question? It doesn't make either of you sound presidential.

Debate observation # 6

It was so nice to hear President Obama say that "what you said just isn't true."

I'd really love to hear him just call Romney a pig-fucking liar, but that's a bit much to hope for.

Liars need to be called out on their lies. God knows the press isn't going to do it. To them, one person lying is just a difference of opinion.

Debate Observation # 5

Yeah, balancing a business's budget is not like balancing a country's. You can't just lay off Arkansas.

Debate observation # 4

I rewound that three times and I'm still not sure whether Romney said the top 5% will continue to pay 60% or 16%. If he said 60% that's such a ridiculous lie that even Mitt couldn't say it with a straight face. If he said 16%, that's certainly nothing to brag about keeping in place.

debate observation # 3

Romney admits that gas & oil drilling have increased, but he's upset that the increase hasn't taken place on federal lands. You've got the result you say you want, governor. Why raise a stink about the way that result is achieved?

Also, I thought you liked the private sector doing things on its own without the big bad federal government being involved.

debate observation # 2

Romney says his policies will bring manufacturing jobs back to the US Then he says "they're already starting to come back."  So why do we need your stupid energy policy?

Debate Observation #1

Does Romney really think that people making $250,000 or less have any significant income from interest, investments & capital gains? I know I don't.

Monday, October 15, 2012

The cure for all your ills

Author S.I. McMillen has the solution to all your health problems. Stop being such dirty little sex pigs!

McMillen published a ridiculous book called None of These Diseases back in 1963, which would be not at all interesting except for the fact that it's still being touted by nuts like David Barton.

So, what is the health risk of being the filthy little libertines you are? Oh, only toxic goiters, arthritis, and insanity!

The community does not know, but the physician knows, that breaking through God's fences around sex is the basic cause of Kathy's toxic goiter, or Helen's arthritis, or Suzanne's commitment to the insane asylum.
Yes, that is exactly what the physician knows. The physician knows that all illnesses are the result of reckless sluttiness.

S.I. McMillen apparently truly believes that the Bible holds the cure for all of mankind's illnesses from the common cold to cancer.

Who would expect Moses to make breakthroughs in epidemic prevention? Yet Moses recorded an unlikely promise to the ancient Hebrews:
If you give careful attention to the voice of the Lord your God, do what is right in his sight, give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon you, which I have brought upon the Egyptians, for I am the Lord who heals you.

Which is why no one in ancient Israel ever got sick. In fact many of them are still with us today. I live down the street from the prophet Ezekiel!

But what about all those who did die?

Thousands have dies through the centuries, however, because doctors ignored the biblical rules. Finally, when doctors read and tried these guidelines, they quickly discovered how to prevent the spread of epidemics. . . Even today we are benefiting from God's 3,500 year old instructions. 

One of those instructions was to separate lepers from the rest of the community to keep the disease from spreading, which, yes, does have the desired effect. But one would think that God would have give Moses an  actual cure, rather than just telling him to send the lepers out of the city to die alone. Also, the promise was supposed to be that people would not get diseases in the first place, not that diseases could be prevented from spreading, but perhaps I quibble.

What about mental health?

The individual who has Christ in his heart and the Bible in his hand has splendid fortifications against man's greatest mental disturbance - schizophrenia. Why do I make that statement? It is medically recognized that schizophrenia is the result of anxiety stemming from an inability to meet the adjustments of adulthood. 

Really? Is that medically recognized? Is it?
No. No, of course it isn't. According to the National Institute of Mental Health:

 Genes and environment. Scientists have long known that schizophrenia runs in families. The illness occurs in 1 percent of the general population, but it occurs in 10 percent of people who have a first-degree relative with the disorder. . .  recent research has found that people with schizophrenia tend to have higher rates of rare genetic mutations. These genetic differences involve hundreds of different genes and probably disrupt brain development. Other recent studies suggest that schizophrenia may result in part when a certain gene that is key to making important brain chemicals malfunctions. 

 Studies of brain tissue after death also have revealed differences in the brains of people with schizophrenia. Scientists found small changes in the distribution or characteristics of brain cells that likely occurred before birth. Some experts think problems during brain development before birth may lead to faulty connections.

So, no. Not anxiety.

It is medically recognized that schizophrenia is the result of anxiety stemming from an inability to meet the adjustments of adulthood. In highly predisposed individuals even a little anxiety can tip the scales. Furthermore, it is felt that any individual, if subjected to sufficient stress, could experience the schizophrenic reaction.

No. just no.

 Some authorities state that less than half of married women have ever experienced sexual orgasm. However, the emotions they derive from the sexual act are beautiful and completely gratifying without the need for any physical climax. Their emotions are diffused throughout their bodies. To them the glowing embers of hardwood are just as satisfying as the quick bright flash of a little gunpowder.

I believe the authority he cites in this paragraph is his wife, who produced the landmark study "It's okay, honey."