Friday, February 10, 2012

Picking up chicks at CPAC

One would think the mouth-breathers at CPAC would be busy discussing the super-important issues of these times like how to get the Marxist/Fascist/Islamist out of the White House, and whether to invade Iran or simply nuke them, but they were able to take a little time out of their super-important day to discuss another important topic.

Getting laid.


CPAC Wants To Help You Get A Hot Conservative Date

“‘I was thinking about how sexy it would be to kiss you,’” world renowned pickup artist Wayne Elise told a group of young Rick Santorum fans. “You can say that [to a girl], it’s cool.”

And totally not creepy or overly forward!


One tip, he noted, was to introduce sensuality into early conversations with girls — like the above quote — to keep from falling into the platonic zone with your target. 

Hmm, now that I know that he'd like to bang me, I'm moving him into the "maybe" zone!

“Most guys fall into the category of not being sexual enough, so that girls will easily see them as friend material and the guys have a hard time getting out of that,” he said. “I think one of my ideas that connects to conservatives is that it’s OK to wait but you definitely want to show the person you’re sexual and sensual.” 

Be sure to tell 'em you've got genitalia! 
It's okay to wait? You mean like wait until your wife is bedridden
before you start poking around?

The breakout session, sponsored by, was billed as an opportunity to “learn everything from how to avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation. . .

Because you'd hate to scare away one of the most unpleasant, whiny, nasty characters in all of American fiction. 

On dates, “try to outlaw questions,” Elise said, prompting some quizzical looks from participants. “Say ‘I’m not going to do any questions, I’m going to make statements.’ Why? Because statements say something about you.”  
I love a man who expresses absolutely no interest in knowing anything about me!

Here’s a tip: “When you walk up and you’re talking to the cute girl in a group don’t just talk to the girl. Bring other people in.” In a related tactic, should you see a hot girl in a bar do not approach — instead befriend a less attractive group and then recruit them to help you seduce her. 

Excuse me, none of you are attractive enough for a hot stud like me, but I might be able to make use of you in seducing that attractive woman over there! Because family values!

Other hot pickup lines for young conservatives:

You're so hot, I'd like to knock you up and then deny you any choice in whether to have my baby!

"Hi, would you like to implement a little "trickle-down?"

You could be a great job-creator! Blow-job creator, that is!

Damn, I'd like to reform your tax code!

Let's sleep together. Fair warning, though, I don't believe in equality of outcome!

Just for tonight, let's be libertarians.
Do you believe in the right to bear arms? Because I'd like to bare your arms! (I mean boobs)

I'd like to get the government off your back, and get you on it. (on your back, I mean. I'd like to get you on your back. You know, for sex.)